Hold Me (4 page)

"Look, I get it. I have Janet's death on me and no matter how many times anyone tells me it wasn't my fault, I'm still going to feel guilty."

"That's ridiculous. Janet's death wasn't at all your fault. This on the other hand—"

"No. Janet's death was my fault. I'm the one who insisted we go look for Will. If I just waited like she wanted, then Will would have made it back and we never would have left there. Janet would be alive, and technically, Will never would have gotten scratched, so really, everything is my fault."

Dan pulled a chair over and motioned for me to sit. "You don't really think that, do you?"

I lowered my head and sighed. "Kind of, yeah."

"Nothing that happened is your fault. Janet would never have agreed to go out looking if she didn't think it was the right thing to do."

"But, I was going to go with or without her. She came so I wasn't alone."

"You can tell yourself that all you want, but I know Janet. If she just wanted to keep you safe she would have duct taped you to a chair and locked you in a room. There's no way in hell she would have put herself, or you, at risk if she didn't think it was the right thing to do."

"She might for Will."

"If she was just going for Will, she would never have brought you. You can't take the blame for her death, love. This world sucks and bad shit happens."

"Tell yourself that next time you start feeling guilty about what happened to Will."

Dan smiled and took a deep breath. "Yeah. I know."

Will stirred in bed and we looked over to make sure he was okay. I stood up and found my balance on the crutches. My arms were already sore from using the bow and the crutches were only making it worse.

Dan took my arm for added safety and helped me find my footing on one leg. "Why don't you just sit and let me get whatever you need. You really need to keep it elevated so it can heal."

I thought about agreeing. It would be much easier to let Dan get the meds and give my arms a rest, but I just needed to get up, move, something. Too many thoughts swirled around in my head and I needed to do something to take the focus off the dark places my mind kept trying to go.

"I got it. You should stay with him... just in case."

I hobbled past him and down the hall. My ankle throbbed against the bandage, but I knew releasing it would only lead to more pain. I grabbed some ibuprofen for my ankle and the bottles of antibiotics.

On the wall next to the medication cabinet was a photo of me and Mom. It was taken a couple years before the outbreak when I dressed up as a nurse for Halloween. She brought me to work with her that year to show me off to her friends. The idea of me following in her footsteps was like some intense form of mommy crack.

I never actually wanted to be a nurse, but it made her happy, so I let her think it was a possibility. The truth was, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life back then. I figured I had all the time in the world to decide. I still didn't have a clue what I wanted to do, but the difference was, back then, I actually had choices.

I sat down on the stool and took in the room. When the outbreak first happened, the room served as both weapons storage, and nurses station. Since we had some of my school friends and neighbors living with us there, it was the place where Mom could still hold on to part of her old life as a nurse and take care of people.

It was kind of fun at first, having my best friends and my crush all living in the one small space together. That wore off fast though. Back then, I would have given anything to have life go back to the way it was. Two years later, just having them back there in the basement with me would have been more than enough.

I stood up and took one more look at the photo. It helped to keep my mother's face fresh in my mind. Her dirty blonde curls and face that matched my own. The older I got, the more looking at her photo was like looking into a mirror.

There was nothing I could do to bring the past back. That life was over, but I still had a lot to be grateful for. I had Will, at least for the moment, and I was going to make the best of it.

I shoved the bottles into the pouch in the front of my hoodie and hobbled back down the hall. Dan and Will might think I was crazy for trying the antibiotics, and maybe I was, but I couldn't just sit back and give up. I wouldn't give up. If Will was going to die, it would be only after I could say that we did everything we could to save him. Just like he would have done for me.

CHAPTER FOUR

Will was in and out of consciousness for the rest of the day. It was exhausting and my ankle was paying the price. Dan and I took turns sitting with him and trying to comfort him the best we could. I managed to keep the tears from falling, but they were replaced with a sort of numb feeling that left me detached and outside myself.

When it was my turn for a break, I took to the couch for a nap. I just needed a little space from the death watch. I woke a few hours later and knew right away something was wrong.

"You move one inch and it will be the last move you make," Dan said from behind the couch where I was sleeping by the door.

My heart practically jumped out of my chest, as my eyes tried to adjust to the dim light and figure out what was happening. I pushed up and peered over the back of the couch to see what was going on. It was dark, but I could make out Dan holding someone up against the wall by the door with a knife to his throat.

What the hell
?

I reached over, slid my knife out of the belt on the coffee table and hopped up onto one crutch. I had no idea what I was going to do on one leg with one free arm, but I sure as hell was going to try.

"Andi, go in the other room," Dan said between clenched teeth.

"Andi?"

Dan pressed the knife harder against his throat. "You know him?" He called back to me, never taking his eyes off the intruder.

I grabbed the lantern and hopped around the side of the couch for a better look. "Derek?"

Derek was up against the basement wall, his hands pressed flat and his head turned sideways away from me, as Dan held the knife to his throat.

"Yes, I know him. Let him go." I exhaled, only then realizing I was holding my breath and waited for my heart to slow down a bit.

Dan released him, but continued to glare.

Wait... how did you even find me?"

"Janet drew me a map before we left. She told me where to find the key and secret entrance, which was a good thing, because it wasn't exactly easy to get in here. She said if we ever got separated or anything happened, this was where you'd probably go. She wanted to make sure you were safe, Andi. She really cared about you."

I choked back the guilt. I couldn't help but feel at least a little responsible for her death, no matter how irrational it seemed. "I know she did."

Derek took a step forward and eyed my crutch. "You okay?" He turned to Dan and looked over him with suspicion.

"I'll live. So, then I guess you found..." I didn't want to speak her name.

"Yes." He closed the distance between us and gave me a tight hug, lifting me off the floor, our bond made stronger by our shared loss.

"I'm so sorry." It was little consolation, but there wasn't much else I could say.

"Me too," he whispered into my ear and placed me back on the floor, careful to make sure I had my balance before he let go. "So who is this?" He tossed his head in Dan's direction.

"This is Dan. Janet might have mentioned him?"

"Ah, yes. She certainly did mention him." He held out his hand for Dan to shake.

I nudged Dan in the ribs with my elbow. "This is... was... Janet's boyfriend, Derek."

Dan took his hand and gave it a firm shake. "Sorry, about the knife... and Janet. She was a great girl."

Derek nodded and dropped his eyes. "You find Will?"

It took me a moment to answer and I twisted my fingers around one another to distract myself from the reality. It should have been great news, but considering I was losing him for good, I couldn't be happy about it. "Yes."

"Was he..."

My legs betrayed me and I leaned against Dan for support, suddenly needing something more solid to hold on to. "No, but..." The words refused to make it out.

Dan took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "We had some problems. He got infected."

"Damn. I'm really sorry. I wish I could have gotten to you sooner." Derek shrugged out of his enormous backpack and dropped it on the couch.

I hobbled back around the other side and sat down next to Derek's pack. "I'm sure it wouldn't have made a difference."

"Maybe, maybe not." He moved the pack onto the coffee table and took the seat next to me. "Before I left, I discovered a few things."

"What things?

Dan sat in the chair on the other side of Derek and propped his feet up on the coffee table. "So what kind of things did you find out? Anything interesting?"

"Yes, actually. Your friend Rose, the one you brought in with you when you first came to the military base... she didn't die right away. A buddy of mine told me she held on for about three weeks."

"Three weeks? You've got to be kidding." Flashes of Rose, writhing in pain like she was when we left her, went through my mind. She was in bad shape after being bitten and we did everything we could to get her to the base in hopes of a cure.

"According to Tommy, they were using her in some research trial they've been working on, trying to make a vaccine. They had some weird experiments going on, people in cages and some shit, Tommy didn't even wanna talk about. I totally understand why that place worried you. Although, I can't say that it's not worth it to find a way to beat this thing."

Dan sat forward in his chair, his interest clearly piqued. "So they are working on a vaccine, but not a cure?"

"That too, but their main focus was on the vaccine. Tommy said they have a
quasi-cure
. Basically, it's an experimental cure that only works about fifteen percent of the time. That weird friend of yours, Hadley, she is apparently immune. They've been taking her blood since she got there, trying to find out how she was able to fight it off."

"So the rumors are true. She did survive an infection." I'd planned on asking her about it, but the time never seemed right.

"Hell yeah. I was there when they brought her in. We aren't supposed to talk about it, but she was definitely infected. She was sick for like a month, then out of nowhere, she just started getting better. Never seen it happen since though."

"So what about this
quasi-cure
? Fifteen percent ain't great, but it's worth trying on everyone, no?" Dan asked.

"I think so, yeah, but apparently the military isn't so generous. They want to continue studying and keep it quiet."

"While people just die. That's fucking great." Dan got up and paced across the room.

"Where is Hadley now?" I was surprised she hadn't insisted on going back with Derek.

"I left her at the infirmary. She had another seizure before I got back with those girls you left with the radio. They're fine, by the way."

"Oh my God, I totally forgot about them. It seems like that was so long ago. I'm sorry I left them for you, but I just couldn't bring them with me to look for Will."

"Not a problem." Derek leaned back and rested his head on the couch. "They were a yappy bunch, but I'm sure they'll do fine at the base."

"Is Hadley going to be all right?" She was one of my only friends at the military base and I kind of missed having her around.

"She should be. Nurse Sue was putting her on some anti-seizure meds. The crazy girl tried to sneak out with me again. I caught her just before I got out of the gate. I was pretty sure she was gonna jump out from behind a tree any moment for the first few miles."

Hadley tried exactly that when we left the base to look for Will. She managed to stay out of sight for a few hours before we noticed she was there. Janet was pissed, but I was happy to see her. That was until she had a seizure and Derek had to leave us to take her back to the base. Maybe if Hadley hadn't followed, things would have turned out very different.

I looked up at Dan who was still pacing the small room. "Can you check on Will?" I didn't like leaving him alone, even if he was probably still unconscious.

"Wait, what? He's still alive?" Derek sat straight up and looked from me to Dan with wide eyes.

"Yeah, he got scratched yesterday. Why?"

"Oh my God, Andi. You should have told me that right away." He lifted his backpack up and pulled it to the table in front of him

"Um okay...sorry?" It wasn't like he knew Will that well, so I wasn't sure why it mattered.

Derek dug around in his pack and pulled out a black leather case. "Before I left, Tommy snuck me a few doses of that supposed cure in case we ran into trouble getting back. "

He unzipped the case to reveal three syringes filled with a yellow liquid. It took my brain a moment to catch up with what I was seeing.