Hold On (33 page)

I’m completely unprepared for the rush of feelings that course through my body as
Luke holds me tightly and explodes into me. Every drop of feeling I have for him comes
bubbling up to the surface. He calls my name as his orgasm races through him and with
his words I feel special.

When he’s spent, he lies down on top of me and catches his breath for a moment. When
he moves to pull out, I grasp at him and hold him closer. I’m so afraid that as he
pulls away, everything else that isn’t in this moment will come flooding back in.
I think he understands when he whispers, “It’s okay. I’m here.”

I let go slowly as he rolls backward and gets off the bed to use the bathroom. When
he returns a few minutes later, he climbs under the sheets I’ve pulled up around me
and pulls me into his arms. He looks me deeply in the eyes and makes a plea.

“I don’t want to talk about this tonight. I want to savor every amazing feeling I’m
experiencing until we have to deal with reality. I want to lie here with you in my
arms and fall asleep to the sound of you breathing. Can we do that, Lex? Can we just
be for a little while?”

His words bring me to tears and as a lone one escapes and makes its way down my cheek,
I nod. I’ll give him what he asks because I want this feeling to last as long as it
possibly can too. I need this for me.

We don’t talk about what just happened between us or about anything else for the rest
of the night. There’s nothing to say. We both know the morning is going to come quickly
and the reality of our relationship is going to have to be dealt with. In our silence,
we tacitly agree we will live in this moment until the light comes. I fall asleep
with Luke Miller’s strong, loving arms wrapped around me. I fall asleep listening
to the sounds of his breathing and the feel of his fingers sliding gently up and down
my back. I fall asleep.

Chapter Twenty-Five

When my alarm goes off at eight in the morning, the reality of what happened last
night hits me like a ton of bricks. I take a deep breath before I roll over to acknowledge
Luke in my bed, except, Luke isn’t in my bed. I sit up quickly and find him sitting
in the chair across the room. He’s just sitting there, completely dressed, staring
at me. I’m having a hard time reading his expression, but he doesn’t look happy.

“Morning. Have you been up long?” I’m not sure what to say.

He shrugs his shoulders. “I’ve been up for a while. I know you have to work so I figured
you’d get up soon. I wanted to say goodbye before I left.”

A chill passes over me and I pull the sheet tightly against my naked body and sit
up. I lean over quickly and grab my shirt and shorts that are lying next to the bed.
I slip them on and move to the end of the bed so I’m closer to Luke. I may be imagining
it, but as I move closer to him, he moves back in the chair. He wants the distance.
I’m a little surprised, and a little hurt by the coldness he’s projecting. So I do
what I do and get defensive. “Well thanks for staying to say goodbye. You could’ve
just left a note on the dresser promising to call me again soon.”

Luke shakes his head and I can tell he isn’t amused.

“Is this funny to you?”

“Is what funny? I’ve been awake for two seconds and I haven’t had time to form a thought.
You’re staring at me with an expression I’ve never seen from you, and you’re dressed
and ready to run out the door. What do you want me to say?”

Luke puts his head in his hands for a minute and when he looks back at me his eyes
are sad and wet. “I really don’t think that I can do this.”

“Do what, Luke?” My voice sounds panicked. He’s freaking me out a little.

“I stayed to say goodbye to you, Lex. A real goodbye. But the words won’t come out.”

His meaning comes across loud and clear. “Then don’t say it, please. We can figure
this out.”

He takes a deep breath and exhales. “I have figured it all out. That’s the problem.
Everything is crystal clear.”

In this moment, the moment where he really is going to walk out of my life, I realize
how much I don’t want to lose him.

“Can we talk about this? Please. You didn’t want to talk last night and I agreed,
but I want to talk now.” My voice is desperate and my stomach is in knots.

Luke gets up and sits next to me on the bed. He looks me right in the eyes. He looks
tired and sad. He looks nothing like he did last night when he was looking at me.

“Do you love me?”

I don’t hesitate. I don’t need to. I nod vigorously. “Yes, Luke, I do. I have for
years.”

“Are you in love with me?”

This time the words won’t come out. I can’t, or won’t, lie to him. I shake my head
very softly.

“I care about you so much and last night was amazing. It felt so good to be with you.
It was more than I ever imagined it could be.” I’m grasping at straws, trying to find
the words that will convince him what I feel is enough.

He takes my hand in his. I can feel it shaking ever so slightly so I hold on tighter.

“Lexie, last night was the best night of my life. It was the first time I’ve ever
made love to anybody. I didn’t even know that either. I didn’t know what it felt like
to be that connected to someone. So I understand when you say it was more than you
ever could’ve imagined. I’ve dreamed about making love to you for years, and I never
imagined how much closer to you it would make me feel.”

I’m encouraged by his words. I went to sleep last night not knowing how I’d feel in
the morning and for some reason, right now, I have a sense of clarity. I don’t want
to lose Luke again. Based on how I felt last night, I think we may have a shot at
making this work. I tell him so.

“That means more to me than I can explain. I’ve never felt so close to you either.
It felt right, didn’t it?”

To convince him, I lean over and press my lips to his. He responds by putting his
hands on my face and kissing me deeply. For a few moments, I’m certain there isn’t
going to be a goodbye said today. Unfortunately the feeling doesn’t last, and as Luke
pulls himself completely away, I know he’s unconvinced my feelings are real. I go
on the offensive.

“I know things have been off between us and I know there are things we would need
to deal with and work through, but we care about each other enough to try this.”

Luke stands up and goes to sit on the chair again. He pauses for a few minutes and
when he speaks I hear the conviction in his voice. This is the Luke that doesn’t let
people in. I brace myself.

“I didn’t sleep last night. I stayed awake and watched you sleep. You looked so beautiful
and so peaceful. You looked so much better than when I got here yesterday. I felt
great because I figured I had something to do with it.”

“You did. I was peaceful. I told you I felt great. You made me feel great.”

He lets me finish but then picks up where he left off.

“I lay there looking at you, and for the first hour you didn’t move. You were in my
arms and I didn’t want to let you go. But, my arm fell asleep and I had to move you
off of it. After that you started to move around and toss and turn a little. You started
mumbling in your sleep and I thought maybe you were starting to have a nightmare.”

I shake my head. “I didn’t have a nightmare. I slept great.” Maybe if I keep using
the word great he will start to believe it.

He keeps telling his story. “Anyway, I thought you were having a nightmare so I wrapped
you in my arms and held you to me. I could feel your heart beating against my chest.
Everything about that moment felt so fucking right and I felt like there was no way
what we did could be wrong if I could feel like I was.”

I start to tell him I understand because I shared similar feelings, but he holds up
his hand and stops me. The next words that come out of his mouth break both of our
hearts.

“I held your warm body against mine. The body that had just made love with me and
made me feel something I’d never felt before. I felt your actual heartbeat in rhythm
with mine and I felt like I was home, Lexie. I felt like everything that had happened
had led me to that moment with you and that it was all worth it because you were with
me. After a few minutes you started to move again and you started to tremble a little.
I didn’t want to wake you up so I put my mouth right next to your ear and told you
that you were safe and that you were okay. I told you that I was here for you and
that I loved you.”

He pauses for a second. I have to ask, even though I know the answer. My voice is
little more than a whisper.

“What happened?”

His voice is also little more than a whisper.

“You broke my heart. That’s what happened next.”

“What happened? What did I do?” The tears I’ve been holding back start to flow now
as I force him to tell me what I already know.

“You snuggled in closer to me, lay your head on my chest and said, I love you too,
Julian. Forever.”

Oh my God. I really have no idea what to even say to that. I figured I must’ve said
something in my sleep. I can’t defend something I didn’t even consciously say. I was
fully present with Luke when I went to bed, but if I’m being honest, I’m not surprised
my dreams are about Julian. I’ve been dealing with vivid, relevant dreams for over
a year now and if I know anything it’s that my dreams are a reflection of what’s going
on with me in my mind and heart. Nothing about Luke’s tone implies he was intentionally
trying to hurt me, but I’m devastated by how I’ve made him feel. I can’t sit here
and be silent so I force something out.

“I don’t even know what to say to you, Luke. I’m so sorry I hurt you like this. I
mean everything I’ve said to you. I wasn’t thinking about Julian last night when I
was in your arms.” My tears are flowing steadily; the moment is so raw.

His voice cracks when he responds. “That’s the worst part, Lex. I know you don’t want
to hurt me and I believe you when you tell me how you feel about me. I want to be
mad at you so this would be easier, but I’m not mad.”

I take a small measure of comfort from what he’s saying. I need him to believe me.
We’ve been important to each other for so long.

“Can we talk about this? I don’t want to lose you again.”

“Lexie, I really have been up all night, and I made the decision I wouldn’t lie to
you anymore and I wouldn’t leave here without saying everything I need to say, everything
I should’ve said years ago. So, if you want to talk, we can talk, but I’m not sure
either one of us is going to feel better after.”

“I want that.”

Reality kicks in for a minute when he looks at the clock. “Don’t you need to get ready
to go to work?”

“I have an appointment after lunch today. If I go in later it’s not a big deal.”

I pick up my phone and send a quick text to Lauren letting her know I won’t be in
until later. She texts me right back telling me she’ll cover for me. Thank God. I’m
in no position to go to work right now.

I scoot back and lean against my headboard. I pull the blankets up around my waist.

“Can you come and sit by me?”

Luke hesitates for a minute before he slowly gets up moves toward me. He sits on the
edge of the bed. That’s not what I had in mind, but it’s better than him sitting across
the room.

He takes a deep breath. “I’m in a really hard spot here. I know you. I can read your
emotions pretty well. It’s been a blessing as far as being a friend goes because it’s
allowed me to be a good friend to you. But, now, it’s killing me because I really
can see how conflicted you are about all of this, and I do know you really care about
me.”

I shrug my shoulders. “I’m an open book. I know. But, I’m glad you know how much I
care about you, and it really is as more than just a friend. We crossed a line last
night and I thought I’d wake up regretting it, but I don’t. At least I didn’t until
I realized you did.”

“Is that what you think, that I regret it?” He shakes his head and frowns. “I don’t
regret a single second of being with you.”

“You want to say goodbye to me forever. That sounds like regret to me.”

Luke looks down at his feet for a minute and gathers his thoughts. When he looks up
at me, his gaze is intense.

“Lexie, I’ve loved you for years, and I’m a fucking idiot for not having told you
I wanted you to be the girl I spent forever with before now. I really convinced myself
we would end up together one day. When we joked about being married by thirty-five,
I was never really joking. I could see you in my forever.”

A flicker of frustration passes through me and brings me back to the thoughts I had
last night. All of my what ifs would’ve been different. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?
Why did you wait until now? I wanted more from you for the first couple of years but
I thought you didn’t, so I never said anything. I wanted you in my life so I kept
my thoughts to myself. I figured something was better than nothing.”

“I guess I thought I wouldn’t be able to be the man you needed, or deserved. I knew
if we got together I’d screw it up because I wouldn’t be able to be faithful. I’ve
never been able to stick to anything for a long time. You know that about me. I get
bored and I get restless. I always think there’s something better out there. I didn’t
want you to get caught up in my fucked up patterns. You’ve been the one constant in
my life for the last seven years and you helped ground me. I didn’t want to lose you,
and I never trusted myself to do the right thing by you. I used to be like you and
think having you as a friend was better than not having you in my life at all.”

Everything he’s saying about how he lives his life is true. I have watched him go
from girl to girl and job to job. I know his upbringing has something to do with his
inability to commit. Luke has shared many stories about his parents’ messed up relationship
with me. They’ve been married for over thirty years but apparently both of them have
had multiple affairs. Luke says their “happy and united” relationship is just an act
and that they have a sham of a marriage. He’s told me more than once over the years
he believes marriage and commitment is overrated.

I hesitate to ask my next question, but I have to. “And now? Something isn’t better
than nothing anymore?”

“After you called me Julian … after I caught my breath, I thought about that. I knew
I didn’t have to say anything, and if you woke up and wanted to be with me, I could
keep your words a secret. And believe me, I was tempted. But I can’t. It’s not enough
for me, especially now. I want it all, your whole heart, and I can’t pretend I’m okay
with knowing there’s another man who’s your first choice. I’d always question how
you’re feeling. And you know me too; I’m not a second place kind of guy.”

I do know that about Luke. He usually gets what he wants and he’s a competitor in
all aspects of his life. I appreciate his honesty and I know he’s put a lot of thought
into this. I want to find a way to change his mind though.

“This thing between us, this different aspect of our relationship, is brand new. We
should give it a chance to grow and see where it can go. There’s a lot of good stuff
here.”

If anyone would’ve told me yesterday I’d essentially be begging Luke to try to have
a relationship with me, I would’ve thought they were crazy. But right now, not being
together sounds a little crazy. Yes, I’m still dealing with the end of my relationship
with Julian and yes, I probably will always care about him, but Luke and I really
do have strong feelings for each other and I think we’d have a good chance at being
happy together.

“I thought about that too, Lex. But you’re wrong. The physical aspect of our relationship
changed last night, but we’ve been in a relationship, a close relationship, for years.
My feelings for you aren’t new, and if they grew anymore they’d fucking demolish me.
Making love to you made my feelings sharper and more focused, but I didn’t need to
be inside of you to know I wanted to be next to you forever. I already knew that.”