Hold On (40 page)

I do the shot and watch as they do theirs. I’m not sure either of them knows what
to say to my declaration of sanity so I just start talking.

“I’ll spare you all the little details, but I had a real epiphany this morning. I’m
not sure what came over me but I had my first moments of real clarity since Brady
died. I went to the cemetery and I had the conversation with Brady I needed to have
for the last year. It’s crazy but it felt so good to finally say what I needed to
say. I’ve talked and talked about all of this with you, Ellen, my family, Julian,
but I needed to talk to Brady. I didn’t think it would help, but it did. And I’m sane
enough to know it’s not all better now, but I want it to be. And I know running away
isn’t going to make anything better.” I take a deep breath. “And I’m so freaking lucky
it happened right now before I made any other really bad choices.”

“So, you’re not moving?” Marissa seems less concerned about the other stuff and I’m
okay with that.

“I’m not moving. You’re stuck with me and my drama.”

Marissa pours three more shots and holds hers up. “Cheers to that and cheers to getting
drunk in the middle of the day.” We all do our second shot.

“I’m not sure what the hell happened but I’m happy about it. You were freaking me
out. Seriously. I’ve been so worried.”

“Well, this calls for a celebration. Lexie Reed finally figured out we’re all in this
together. Speaking of which, do either of you have plans tonight?” Shannon looks at
each of us and we shake our heads. “Good, because I’m calling Jenna and Lauren and
we’re going to really celebrate the return of our Lexie.”

I can’t help but giggle at her dramatic tone. “Can we just stay home, though? I’d
love to have us all hang out, but I don’t know if I can handle going out.” I shrug
my shoulders. “I’m not there yet, Shan.”

“Fine, we can order Chinese, watch a funny movie and get drunk. Sound good?”

I get up and give her a hug. “Sounds like just what the doctor ordered. I’ll even
pay for dinner.”

Marissa texts Jenna and Lauren and they’re both in. Lauren’s working so she won’t
be over until close to six and Jenna is out shopping and won’t be here for a few hours
either. It’s perfect because it gives us a chance to really talk. And I do just that.
And they just listen. I open up and allow myself to trust these women who’ve always
had my back. I share exactly how I’ve been feeling. When I get to the part about Julian
coming to see me and about the email he sent they look a little surprised.

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s just so hurt. Can you blame him? Sorry, but you haven’t
exactly handled the situation well.” Marissa is back to being her nice PC self.

“Yeah, I know that. I also know he isn’t big on second chances, never mind tenth chances.
He said he was done and I believe him. I wouldn’t even know what to say to him, anyway.
I mean I don’t think a ‘Hey, I’m done being a nut-job. Let’s get back together’ email
is going to work, especially because I’ve basically already been there and done that.”

“How about calling him and saying something along the lines of, ‘Hey Julian. You’re
the love of my life and I royally fucked up. I’m done doing that and I have a clue
now’.”

Shannon isn’t as PC as Marissa.

“As great as that sounds, Shannon, he isn’t going to believe a word I say. I know
him. I’ve pushed too far this time.” I sit and ponder my own words for a minute and
then shake my head as if the action will push the sad thoughts out of my head. “I
don’t want to dwell on this tonight. It sucks, but we’re going to celebrate and I’m
going to be happy for a few minutes, damn it!”

When Lauren walks in the door at six-thirty she finds three buzzed girls. We decided
to keep the party going and opened a bottle, or two, of wine. Because it’s not fun
to be the sober girl, she does two shots of her own to catch up. When Jenna walks
in at seven-thirty, she finds one buzzed girl and three drunk ones. She pours herself
a shot and a glass of wine and sits down in the living room with the rest of us.

We spend the next few hours talking and drinking and laughing. It feels so good too.
I needed this. I need my girlfriends, probably more than ever. We skirt around the
whole Julian subject and focus on what’s going on in their lives. Jenna and Lauren
are both dating new guys and are riding the new relationship wave; Marissa’s excited
because Kevin is going to be home in less than three months and Shannon is convinced
Cory is getting ready to propose any day. I’d be lying if I said it’s not hard to
hear about how well things are going for everyone else, but I really am happy for
all of them. I keep the smile on my face, ask questions and try to feel hopeful. Plus,
there’s no way I’m going to be a buzz-kill tonight. The alcohol helps.

We order pizza around ten and channel surf to find a movie we all want to watch. My
only criteria are we don’t watch any kind of romantic movie and they agree. We settle
on Pitch Perfect and when Lauren and Shannon get up and start singing and dancing,
the night gets better. This really is exactly what I needed.

Around midnight I look up and see Lauren, Shannon, and Jenna are all passed out on
the couches. I glance at Marissa and she smiles. “You did great tonight. It’s good
to see you smile. It’s been a while.”

“This was fun. I’m going to feel like shit in the morning because I’m hammered, and
I have to work at ten, but what the hell. Fake it till you make it, right?”

She nods and gets up. “I’m going to bed too. I’m pretty buzzed myself. Should we just
leave them here?” She motions toward the girls.

“Yes, they look comfortable.” We throw some blankets on them and both head to our
rooms to go to bed.

“Night, Mari. Thanks.”

“Night, Lex.”

As I change and get ready for bed I think about my day. What a day. It’s a testament
to the human condition that someone could wake up in one place in the morning and
end up on the opposite end of the spectrum by the end of the day. That’s what happened
to me. I feel like a different person right now and I’m grateful. I get in to bed
and close my eyes and try to focus on the good that came out of today. Unfortunately
all I can focus on is that my bed is spinning. Shit. There’s no way I’m going to be
able to fall asleep. I sit up and look at my phone for the first time in hours. There
are no messages. I open up my email and see there isn’t anything important in there
either. I go through all of my social media accounts and after about thirty minutes
I remember why I don’t spend much time on them.

I’m bored and buzzed and because I don’t have the noise of my friends or the TV, I’m
being taunted by the quiet. I can’t keep the thoughts of Julian at bay anymore so
I open the door and let them in. The ache I feel is simply massive and my whole body
yearns for him. Now that the wall I was hiding behind crumbled, I’m exposed and vulnerable
again. I hate feeling like this. I know it isn’t a good idea to reach out to him right
now. I’m drunk and it’s late, not to mention I blew him off in a horrible way last
week, but I can’t help myself. The girl who goes dark should really stay dark right
now, but I can’t.

Alexa:
I have something to say now
Alexa:
I’m sorry. I love you. Please don’t give up on me
.

I stare at the words for about five minutes and then I hit send. And then I wait.

I figure Julian’s at the hotel and I know he doesn’t check his phone as frequently
when he’s working. But, I also know he does check his phone. His silence says everything
I don’t want to hear and when I still haven’t heard from him by one o’clock, I know
in my heart he really is done.

Getting up in the morning is hell. I’m hung-over, tired, and sad. I look at my phone
as soon as I roll over and my heart sinks when I see nothing. It’s eight-thirty and
I need to be into work by ten so I force myself into the shower. I take a few Advil
and hope they kick in soon. As the warm water rolls down my body, I wish there was
something I could take that would make my heart hurt less too.

I spend some time in my closet trying to figure out what I want to wear. I choose
an aqua and lime colored, blocked, sleeveless, jersey dress with a rolled collar.
It’s bright and bold. It’s how I want to feel this morning. Fake it until I make it.
I didn’t want to have to do my hair so I didn’t wash it this morning. I’m able to
make it look good by making a messy pony. I do my makeup, put on some jewelry and
head to the kitchen for coffee. Shannon must’ve gone to her room because she isn’t
on the couch and Jenna and Lauren are still sleeping. I try to be as quiet as I can,
curse them for being able to sleep in, grab some coffee and a bagel and leave for
work.

It’s a beautiful morning and there’s no traffic. I get to The Promenade by nine forty-five
and when I check the schedule I’m thrilled to see Serena isn’t working today. I’m
still not ready for her bullshit and I’m actually in an okay mood despite the hangover
and despite the fact Julian hasn’t responded to me. I convinced myself on the drive
over he’s just trying to punish me a little and that I’d hear from him today.

My day is steadily busy and people pop in and out. Sunday’s are usually like this.
I have some promising leads and that keeps me in a decent mood as the day passes and
there’s still no response from Julian. I check my phone more than I ever do throughout
the day. I get a call from Andrea at about two and when I hear her voice, I remember
they’re all waiting for me to decide on the job transfer offer. I actually forgot
I needed to address this. Andrea’s thrilled when I tell her I’m not going to be moving.
She asks why and I’m honest. I tell her running away is probably not the smartest
thing to do. She’s honest back and tells me she thinks I’m making the right decision,
and it’s not just because she wants me to stay. She offers to call Dominick but I
feel I need to do that. I don’t want burn any bridges.

Dominick sounds disappointed when I call and tell him I’m not going to be taking the
job. He doesn’t ask any personal questions, but does tell me he’s heard I’d be leaving
a lot behind if I moved. I’m not sure what Andrea told him but it sounds like he knows
more about my situation than he let on. I guess it doesn’t matter. I thank him for
the opportunity and he lets me know his door is open if I change my mind. I get off
of those two calls and feel relieved. Deep down, I guess moving wasn’t something I
really wanted to do. Oh how everything is just becoming clearer in both good ways
and bad.

When I leave work at five-thirty, I still haven’t heard from Julian. As the hours
pass, the hope that he would forgive me drifts further and further away. So does the
calmness and strength I’ve been feeling. The reality is, if Julian isn’t part of my
life, I’m not going to be okay. Maybe someday I will be okay, but not anytime soon.
I’m about to cross the causeway when my phone beeps. I grab it as fast as I can and
hope it’s Julian. It isn’t. It’s Jill asking me to call her when I have a chance.
My hearts sinks.

Marissa, Shannon, and Cory are all at my house when I get there. The girls are still
in their pajamas and I can see this wasn’t a very productive day for them.

“Must be nice to sit around all day and do nothing.” I smile and give Cory a hug.
“You missed a good party last night.”

“Looks like it. Shannon did drunk text me a few times so I’m not surprised she’s useless
today.”

Shannon throws a pillow at him. “Don’t pick on the hung-over girl. It’s not nice.”
She lifts her head and looks at me. “How the hell were you able to get up and go to
work? I still feel like shit.”

“It wasn’t easy, trust me. It was a rough day.”

In more ways than one I might add. Cory’s comments about drunk texting make me think
about my own drunk texts last night, the ones that are still being ignored.

“And you Mari, how are you.”

“After four Advil and a bloody Mary, I’m good. No more Tequila shots at three in the
afternoon, Reed.”

I plop down on the couch next to them. I haven’t had anything but coffee and a bagel
today and now that I’m sitting down at home, the effects of my night are hitting hard.

“Sounds good to me, Delgado. But remember I didn’t force the second, third, or fourth
shot down your throat. Nor did I force you to drink the wine.”

“I was being supportive. Friends don’t let friends get drunk by themselves at three
in the afternoon.” Marissa is nothing if not supportive.

“Exactly. Appreciate the support. You guys are awesome. Anybody hungry?”

Shannon raises her head off the pillow. “Yeah, no. I’m not putting anything into my
stomach until tomorrow.”

Marissa tells me she already ate and Cory tells me he and Shannon actually need to
take off because he has some report due tomorrow he needs to get done. Shannon reluctantly
gets up to get her stuff together and Cory follows her into her room. Marissa and
I are alone.

“How are you really feeling today? I know you want to be all tough and drama-free
but you can talk to me about Julian if you want to, or need to.”

I look down at my hands and then back up at her. “I texted him last night. It wasn’t
a good idea, but I couldn’t help myself.”

Marissa sits up and turns to face me. “What did you say? What did he say?”

“I told him I was sorry, that I love him, and not to give up on me.”

“That’s awesome. What did he say?”

“Not so awesome. He didn’t respond at all.”

“Really? Are you sure? Maybe you missed it if you had your phone off.”

I actually laugh a little out loud. “I had my phone all night and all day today and
checked it religiously. Nothing. He’s done. Just like he said.” Tears well up in my
eyes.

“He’s probably just making you suffer a little. A little payback. He’ll respond, I
promise.”

“You’re an optimist and I love you for it, but I know Julian and he doesn’t change
his mind once it’s made up. He’s stubborn and proud and I fucked up big time.”