Hold On (41 page)

“I need to tell you something, Lex. I promised Julian I wouldn’t, but I have to. Don’t
get mad, okay.”

“What happened, Mari? You’re freaking me out a little.”

“Julian and I’ve talked a few times since you broke up. He called me a few days after
you ended it with him because you wouldn’t talk to him. He was worried about you.
He wanted me to make sure you were okay. We didn’t talk for long but I promise you
I’m not kidding when I tell you he was devastated. He loves you so much. I mean real
love. It doesn’t go away in a few weeks, no matter how big of a pain in the ass you’ve
been.”

I can’t lie. I feel a little betrayed. Luke and Mari? “And you talked after that?”

She can hear the hurt in my voice.

“Yes, he called again, right after you saw him at Jett’s. You had already told me
about it so I knew. He wanted to know if you were okay. He said you were so upset
when you ran into him. I told him you were fine and he asked me if I really thought
you were done with him. I told him I hoped not, because I did hope that. He told me
he wanted to give you space because he thought if he did you’d change your mind. He
didn’t think it was really over. He didn’t want it to be over. He was pretty emotional.
That was two weeks ago. He’s not done. He’s just hurt. Please don’t be mad. I didn’t
tell him anything you wouldn’t be okay with. I just listened really.”

“I’m not really mad, but I wish you would’ve told me. I think, anyway. I don’t know.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know anything, except he’s ignoring me and I’m not sure
what to do. I guess I could go talk to him. But then again, phone rejection is easier
to take.”

“Give it some time. He’ll respond.” She stands up. “I’m going to go take a shower
and probably go to bed early. You good?”

I give her a small smile. “I’ll be okay. I’m going to eat and shower too. I’m exhausted.”

She turns around and as she walks away, she says, “Did you tell your work you weren’t
moving?”

I nod and smile. “Yes. I’m not going anywhere, Mari. Like I said yesterday, you’re
stuck with me.”

I head into the kitchen to find something to eat. I decide a baked potato is a good
idea and after I eat, I head to my room to take a shower. Shannon and Cory are walking
out and Shannon stops to hug me.

“Glad we got this all sorted out. I’m with Mari, though. No more drinking at three
in the afternoon. I can’t take it.”

I haven’t checked my phone for about an hour and when I glance at it before I get
in the shower I see the only call I’ve missed is from my mom. I send her a text to
let her know I’m okay and that I’ll call her tomorrow. I remember I was supposed to
call Jill. I take a quick shower, blow-dry my hair, put on a pink pair of boy shorts
and a white tank top and climb into bed. It’s only a little after eight but I’m wiped
out. It’ll do me good to get a full night’s sleep. I call Jill after I get under the
covers. She answers on the first ring.

“Hey, Jill. Sorry I didn’t call sooner. Busy day.”

“No worries. Just wanted to see what happened with the job. You never called me.”

Crap. I forgot I said I’d let her know what was going on. “Well, I got the job, but
I’m not going to take it. I’ve decided not to move. Don’t hate me.”

I feel bad. We spent all last weekend making plans. I know she’ll be disappointed.

“Good. I’m glad to hear that.”

“Uh, okay. You’re happy I’m not moving closer?”

She laughs. “It would be great to be closer, but you aren’t doing it for the right
reasons. I’m no relationship expert, Lexie, but you need to try and fix things with
Julian. It was so obvious how in love you are with him and moving isn’t going to make
that go away. Plus, I don’t know what I’m even going to do. I might end up moving
down there.”

I spend the next half hour telling her about what happened this week with Julian,
and about my visit to the cemetery. She listens and when I’m done she surprises me
with her words.

“I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this, but you’re so much stronger for it. I envy
you. I really do. I wish I had any sense of clarity. Nothing about what you said surprises
me though. You’ve always been the strong one. You’re just the only one who doesn’t
see it.”

My eyes tear up. It’s been so awesome getting closer to my sisters over the past few
months. Even Tracy and I have been talking regularly. I’ve always thought Jill was
the strong one and I tell her so. I also tell her she just needs to trust herself
and the answers will come. We chat for a little longer and when we say goodbye, I
feel even better about my decision to stay.

Chapter Thirty

As tired as I am, I can’t fall asleep. I have a little TV in my room but I hardly
ever watch it. Tonight I want something to take my mind off of the fact it’s basically
been twenty-four hours and I still haven’t heard from Julian. I flip through the channels
and can’t make myself change the channel when I find The Notebook. It’s probably not
the best movie for me to watch but it’s like a car crash on the freeway and I can’t
stop looking.

Halfway in, I’m reaching for the tissues on my nightstand and thinking about how I
might’ve had this kind of love with Julian had I not totally blown it. I lie there
in the dark, watching Noah tell Allie about the love he feels for her and my heart
feels so heavy. I’m so engrossed in my pity party I don’t hear a car pull up in my
driveway. I don’t hear the knock on the door either. I do hear the ping on my phone
that says I have a new text and when I look at it my heart starts racing.

Julian:
I’m at your front door

Oh my God. I pop out of bed and look out my window. This isn’t a dream. Julian’s Jag
is in my driveway. I run into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face and walk
to the door. I open it and find Julian sitting on the porch steps, his back is to
me. When he hears the door open he stands up and turns around. His eyes are rimmed
with red, as if he’s been crying, and he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. His normal
stubble is more grown out and his hair is longer than I’ve seen it. With that said,
he still looks beautiful to me in his black button down and jeans. Only Julian can
pull of this haggard look and still look incredibly handsome.

The screen door is still shut between us and I push it open as he takes a small step
forward.

I skip the formalities. “Do you want to come in?” I move to the side.

He runs his eyes up and down my body and I remember I’m not wearing much. His searing
look makes me feel naked and exposed, yet desired, for a brief moment. It passes when
he speaks.

He shakes his head. “I’m not going to come in, Alexa. I just came by to tell you something.”

Oh shit. He came by to blow me off in person. He’s nothing if not well mannered.

“What is it, Julian? Are you okay? You look really upset.”

“Caroline had her baby tonight.” He pauses and it seems like he’s gauging what he
should say next. That’s why he looks tired. He’s probably been at the hospital. No
wonder he didn’t text me back. He was busy starting his family.

“You came all the way to tell me that?”

My question doesn’t come out bitchy or sarcastic because I’m not trying to be either.
I’m truly confused as to why he felt the need to drive all the way here to tell me
news he knew would hurt. Oh snap. That’s why he did it, to hurt me back.

“The baby isn’t mine. You were right.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. It sounded like he just said the baby wasn’t his.

“What do you mean the baby isn’t yours, Julian? Are you sure? How do you know?”

I’m trying to remain calm but I can’t. My heart is racing and my hand that’s still
on the door knob is shaking slightly.

“Let’s just say the baby looks nothing like me. I asked her point blank and she admitted
it wasn’t mine.”

My mind shifts into high gear and I push down the questions that are racing through
my mind. I don’t want to seem happy, although I am, because he looks anything but
happy. That in itself makes me uncomfortable. Why isn’t he thrilled?

“I don’t know what to say. It’s obvious you’re very upset and I’m sorry for that.
Are you sure you don’t want to come in? We can talk about it.”

He runs his hands through his hair and takes a step backward.

“You want to talk about it? What exactly do you want to talk about? How happy you
are it’s not mine? How fucking stupid I was to believe her? How hurt my parents are?
How the only thing I could think of after she said it wasn’t mine was getting to you?”
He takes a breath and then continues his rant. “Or do you want to talk about how mad
I am at you? Or about how my life just got turned upside down for the second time
in two months? What should we talk about?”

His voice remains steady and calm but I can see the pain he’s feeling. He’s all over
the place and I’m sure all of the emotions he’s been holding in are bubbling up to
the surface. I don’t see the calm, confident, composed Julian I’ve come to know and
love. I see a man who is lost and it shakes me to my core.

“We can talk about it all, Julian. Just come in.”

My hands are shaking as I reach out to him and take his hand. He lets me, and looks
down at our entwined fingers for a moment before he looks up at me. Through the pain
I see the desire that was sparked by my touch. It’s always this way. No matter what
our hearts and minds say, our bodies know they belong together. I turn and walk to
my room and don’t let go of his hand. I shut the door behind us and only then do I
let go. I sit on my bed and watch as Julian paces back and forth. I don’t know what
to say. I’m completely unprepared for this news and don’t know what to talk about
first.

It feels like hours before he talks even though it’s probably not even minutes.

“Estoy tan enojado contigo, Lexie. So mad.”

Ah. Lexie. Not Alexa. Good.

“I know, and it’s okay. I’m pretty mad at myself too.” I try and lighten the conversation
because the intensity of this moment is overwhelming.

He runs his hands through his hair and keeps them behind his head for a minute. “I’m
pissed because despite everything you’ve done, I couldn’t get here fast enough. You
fucking keep running from me and I keep running toward you. It’s a pull I can’t break
away from, even though I want to.”

My heart sinks in my chest. I don’t want him to be able to stop loving me. I keep
quiet and let him have the floor. He sits on the bed next to me and I can feel the
energy pulsating off of him. I clasp my hands together to keep from reaching out and
touching him.

He shakes his head and when he looks at me I see the hurt. He’s either unable to hide
it or unwilling. “I had to tell you. I had to see you and let you know. I’m not even
sure you deserve anything from me. You fucking walked away and gave up on us.”

His voice is raw and so filled with anguish. It breaks my heart. I want to wrap my
arms around him but his body language doesn’t suggest he wants that.

“I’m not sure I deserve it either. But I want it. I want you. That’s why I sent the
text.”

“What text? I didn’t get a text from you. Nada. I waited for days before I really
believed you were done.”

I’m surprised at this. Julian’s great about checking his phone and responding.

“I sent you a text last night, around ten.”

He takes his phone out of his pocket and scrolls through his messages. When he gets
to what I’m assuming is my text, he looks up.

“I didn’t see this. I was at the hospital and my phone ran out of battery so I turned
it off. I plugged it in when I got in the car to come here, and there were so many
texts and messages. I didn’t see this.”

He sounds apologetic and my heart lifts when I realize he wasn’t ignoring me.

“It’s fine. I understand. You had a lot going on and it’s more important than my text.
We don’t even have to talk about this tonight. You have enough on your plate. I don’t
want to cause anymore drama or problems for you.”

I’m being one hundred percent sincere and I think he’ll appreciate my sentiment, but
instead he stands up, raises his voice and looks down at me.

“What the fuck is wrong with you that you don’t see what’s right in front of you?
The only problems and drama I can’t handle are the ones you caused by walking out
of my life. What part of me telling you I love you, and that I couldn’t imagine my
life without you in it, don’t you understand? I’ve poured my heart and soul out to
you. I’ve turned myself inside out and let you see all of me. Nobody sees that. Nobody.
I’d never be this way for someone else and you still don’t get it.”

He really is like a livewire and the electricity pulsating off of him is a little
unnerving. I push away my wariness and stand up in front of him. I’m inches away,
but I don’t touch him. I look him deeply in the eyes. I need him to really hear, and
see what I’m saying.

“I get it now, Julian. I’m so sorry it took me so long to see what’s been right in
front of me since the very beginning. I want you, baby or no baby. That’s why I sent
the text. You see me, all of me, and it scares me to death, but I love you and I can’t
imagine a life without you in it either.”

He shakes his head a little, his eyes dark and distrusting. “I’m not sure how you
can say that when you’re planning on moving.”

I shake my head slowly and tears well up in my eyes. “I’m not going anywhere, and
you need to know I made these choices before I knew about the baby. I don’t want to
run anymore, unless it’s toward you. I wanted to stay and fight for you, for us. I
couldn’t give up. I couldn’t.”

He reaches up and puts his hand on my cheek. It’s soft and warm. He runs his thumb
slowly and gently over my bottom lip. A sea of butterflies takes flight in my stomach
and I have to force myself to breathe.

“Before I kiss you I need to know this is real. I need to know you really are done
running because I can’t do this again. I won’t do this again. Before I kiss you I
need to know you’re staying.”

“It’s real, Julian. If you still want me, I’m yo—”

Julian lowers his lip to mine and muffles the last words I say. The kiss is soft and
tender at first, almost shy and unsure. I’m told so much through his kiss. He wants
to believe me, but he doesn’t. My words aren’t sinking in and touching him the way
I want them to, the way I need them to. I feel him holding back and I hate that I’ve
done this. There’s never been a time when he withheld himself from me.

I stand on my tiptoes, wrap one arm around his neck, and pour everything I can into
the kiss. I open my lips and slide my tongue into his mouth. He responds in kind for
a moment but then pulls away. The trepidation is so vivid in his eyes.

“Mírame, Julian. It’s real, baby. Let me love you, please. Because I do love you,
so much, and you need to know it. I’m so sorry.”

Julian wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him. He takes my hand and places
it on his chest, over his heart. Then he does the same with his hand. The feeling
that comes over me from being in his arms is indescribable. I can only compare it
to how it feels to walk in the door of your house after being gone on a long trip,
or how it feels to sleep in your own bed after days of not being able to. It feels
right, it fits, and it feels like home. Julian is my home.

We stay like that for a few minutes and I relax into his embrace as our breathing
syncs and becomes one. I can feel his heart beating against my chest and with each
beat I feel the love he has for me seeping through. I look up and him and see that
his eyes are closed.

“It’s not a dream. You can open your eyes. I’ll still be right here.”

Julian moves his right hand away from my heart and as he moves it down my side he
grazes my breast. It’s a whisper of a touch yet it ignites a spark in me that rolls
though my whole body. I shudder and a small smile makes a quick appearance on Julian’s
face. He moves the same hand under my tank top and begins to caress my breast with
firm, possessive strokes. I lean into him and moan softly as he rolls my nipple between
his fingertips. He does the same thing on the other side and in moments I’m lost and
at the mercy of his touch. It’s been weeks since he’s had his hands on me and my body
feels like it’s blossoming under his touch.

I feel his erection growing against me, and when I reach down to acknowledge his arousal,
a throaty groan escapes his lips as well. I slip my hand into his jeans and run my
fingers along his length. I find his shaft hard and pulsating under my touch and as
I wrap my fingers around him and stroke him, he becomes a little lost himself. His
breathing becomes shallower and he involuntarily presses himself into my palm.

We’re still standing and staring at each other as we caress and stroke each other.
These initial touches are the first steps in rebuilding the connection between us
and I’m fine with the slow pace, even though I’m craving more.

I unbutton his shirt and slide it down over his shoulders. He lifts my tank over my
head and tosses it on the floor. He pulls me to him again and his naked torso feels
perfect pressed up against mine. My face is in his chest and when I lean in and place
a soft kiss where his heart is, his intake of breath is audible. He puts his fingertips
underneath my chin and tilts my head up so I’m forced to look into his eyes. I exhale
when I see the warmth I’m used to seeing staring back at me. He’s coming back to me.

“Te amo, Alexa Reed. And before I make love to you I need to know it’s going to be
just us now. Solo tu y yo. I’m done sharing you with anyone or anything. We can’t
let the past ruin our future anymore, baby.”

I nod my head vigorously, in an effort to ban any thoughts of my past, of Brady or
Luke, from this moment. “I love you too. And I need to know the same from you. I don’t
want to share you either.”

“Lexie, you’ve had me all along. I’ve been yours since the moment you fell into me
in the staircase. There’s no one else for me.”

His words ring in my ears as he picks me up in his strong, protective arms and lays
me on my bed. When his lips find mine this time, there’s nothing standing in the way
and our mutual desires collide into each other and ignite a fiery burst of heat. While
his silky tongue and warm, moist lips devour my mouth, I unzip his jeans and attempt
to pull them off of his beautiful body as smoothly as I can. I’m having a hard time
because of the position we’re in, so he pulls his mouth away from mine, stands up
and takes them off. He leans over and grabs the waistband of my shorts and slides
them off. He lies back down, next to me, and I watch as his eyes sweep over my body
from my toes to my eyes. He runs his fingertips over my ribcage and I know he’s thinking
about the weight I’ve lost. This is so not the time for it.