Hold On (42 page)

“Only good thoughts, Julian, please. Make love to me. I want you so much. More than
ever.”

He just stares at me and I’m beginning to get a little frustrated. The stopping and
starting is throwing me off. One second I feel the heat and sense he could fuck me
for days and the next moment he’s acting like this is the first time he’s ever had
sex. It’s freaking me out because I don’t know what to do.

“Do you want this? Do you want me? Because I’m not sure you really do.”

“I don’t know what I want.” He rolls over and puts his arm over his eyes.

Fuck. The first rule of asking a question is not to ask if you don’t want to know
the answer.

I wriggle away and attempt to pull my sheets up around my body. Talk about feeling
vulnerable. Julian stops me and pulls me to him so I’m in the crook of his arm. I
resist and pull away. He turns on his side and looks at me through tired eyes.

“Don’t.” His voice sounds as tired as he looks.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t start freaking out. I can’t deal with it tonight.”

I can’t believe the words that come out of my mouth. “I’m not freaking out. You are
and maybe you need to process how you’re feeling before anything else happens between
us. You’re understandably upset, and maybe you need some time to deal with what happened
tonight. Clearly being here with me, like this, isn’t helping.”

He takes a deep breath and exhales.

“I’m lying here next to you, next to your beautiful, naked body, and I can’t focus.
I want you. I always want you and it would be really easy to spend the next few hours
having sex with you. It would help make me forget everything that’s happened in the
last month, at least for a little while. And when we stop, I’m going to remember it
all. I’m going to remember that you walked away from me and broke my fucking heart.
I’m going to remember that two hours ago I was going to be a father and now I’m not.
I’m going to remember that I was lied to and played for a fool. I’m going to remember
how much this hurt you and how bad I feel about that. I’m mad and I’m sad and I’m
so fucking tired. I’m so tired, Lexie. I’ve done everything to hold it all together
and it all fell apart anyway. I swore I’d never be in this position again and here
I am. If I could fuck this pain away I would, but it’s not going to change anything.”

Wow. We really are similar. I know this already but sometimes I’m really reminded
of how our pasts have scarred us in the same ways. He doesn’t want to let go and feel
any more vulnerable than he does and he thinks making love to me will force him to
do that. And it will. Our connection will break his ability to remain in control.
It’s what happens when we’re together. He knows it and so do I. I also know what I
need to do. I unwrap the sheets from around my body and climb on top of Julian, so
I’m straddling him. I bend down and place my lips on his. His hands are on my hips
and he turns his head away and asks, “Didn’t you hear anything I just said?”

I don’t back away. “Uh huh. I heard everything you said and everything you didn’t
say. I heard it all. And I get it. You know I get it. You don’t need to have all the
answers right now and you don’t need to be in control, Julian. Not with me. You’re
safe here. I promise. Let me help you forget for a little while. Let me help you remember
what it feels like to let go and get lost in each other. We can figure out all the
other stuff later. Just know I’m here and I’m not letting go.”

Sometimes words work and sometimes they don’t. This time they do, and I see something
in Julian’s eyes change. He’s kind of looking at me like he’s seeing me for the first
time, and I see a flash of desire that encourages me to keep on this track. I bend
closer and run my tongue across the seam in his lips. He parts his lips slightly and
I slip my tongue inside. And then I kiss him. I mean I kiss him like my life depends
on it. I figure I need to do a little convincing but in a few moments he matches my
intensity and kisses me back in a way that tells me we won’t be stopping anytime soon.

I absolutely love kissing Julian and I could do it for hours. He has other plans though
and in my mind I hand over the reins and let him chart the course. He rolls me over
so he’s on top of me and I spread my legs so he can settle in between them. I fully
expect Julian to start touching my body and I also expect him to take his time, so
when he enters me right away, I’m very surprised.

It’s completely unlike him not to make sure I’m ready for him. The physical feeling
of him being inside me like this is both pleasurable and painful at the same time
and I’m instantly conflicted. He feels good. I missed this. I longed for the closeness
that we can only create by him being inside of me and I’m comforted by the feel of
his body on mine. At the same time, the punishing rhythm of his thrusts and the lack
of warmth in his actions hurt me both in a physical and an emotional way. I look up
at Julian and when his eyes flicker open and meet mine I don’t even know who I’m looking
at. He’s not talking to me or touching me. He’s just fucking me, like he said, and
I’m not okay with it. I try to stay calm and remember I’m safe but it’s too difficult.
So, before I go someplace I can’t come back from, I try and reach him. My voice comes
out a bit panicky.

“Look at me.”

He doesn’t so I say it a little more forcefully. “Julian, look at me, please!”

His eyes snap open.

“You need to stop. I want you, but not like this. I can’t. This isn’t who we are and
I don’t want you like this.”

He immediately stops, rolls off of me, and sits on the edge of the bed with his back
to me. He doesn’t say a word and all I can hear is him trying to get his breathing
under control. I just lie there, not sure what to say to him. I’m not sure if I should
touch him. I’m not sure I can. The silence in the room is deafening and I fully expect
Julian to get up and leave. There’s a grand canyon of distance between us right now
and I see, for the first time since we’ve been together, sex isn’t going to help fix
what’s wrong. Actually, it just made it worse and I have no one to blame but myself
for forcing the issue. He knew it was a bad idea and I didn’t listen.

When he stands up and starts putting his pants back on, I feel compelled to say something.

“Julian, I’m sorry. I should’ve listened to you. You didn’t want this and I forced
the issue. Please don’t feel bad.”

When he turns around, I’m taken back by what I see. There are tears streaming down
his face and in his eyes I see the same images I’ve seen a million times when I look
in the mirror. He feels broken. My strong, always in control, confident Julian isn’t
who’s in front of me and it hurts my heart to look at him. His anguish is palpable
and it’s radiating off of him in waves. I don’t hesitate. I get up on my knees next
to him and pull him close to me. He starts to open his mouth and I place my finger
on his lips asking him to stop. We don’t need to talk right now. We just need to feel.

I lie back down and pull him down next to me. I wrap my arms around him and hold him
close. There have been times over the course of our relationship where Julian has
become emotional and I’ve seen him near tears once or twice. I’ve seen and heard him
desperate, and I’ve seen him vulnerable in some respects. But, I’ve never seen him
like this and I have no idea what to do or say. He’s sobbing and holding on to me
like I’m a life preserver. Me. The person who always needs saving. The person he’s
always saving. The irony isn’t lost on me. As I lie there and hold him, I try and
relate this to my own life. I know what it’s like to hold everything in so tightly
that when you let go the result is a rush of emotions so powerful they envelop you
and make you feel like you’re drowning. It’s like a dam bursting and everything that
was being held behind it floods out into your body.

I also know how incredibly difficult it is to let someone else see you like this.
I’m not one for stereotypes, but I’m a woman and it’s different for me and I know
it. My drama is acceptable for the most part. I can be the damsel in distress and
society looks the other way. It’s not the same for him. Julian is a man, a proud,
Latino man who has always had to be the strong one. It’s who he is and so much of
his identity is wrapped up in being the protector. I can only imagine how much pain
he’s in not to be able to hold it in anymore.

We lie there for a long time. I run my hands up and down his back and occasionally
whisper that everything is going to be okay. I whisper that I love him. He says nothing.
I don’t know what he’s thinking about and I don’t ask. There’s so much to think about.
He’s dealing with his feelings about me and our break-up and about how I left him.
How I didn’t stay. He’s dealing with what just happened between us physically. He’s
dealing with the revelation he isn’t going to be a dad right now. I know he didn’t
want it in the beginning but I know Julian and once he embraced the idea, I’m sure
he made plans for the future with this baby. He’s dealing with the hurt he knows his
parents must feel over another loss. He feels betrayed and used and alone. I also
imagine he’s feeling weak, a feeling compounded by the fact I’m witnessing all of
this.

I have so many questions about what happened tonight with Caroline and the baby. He
didn’t tell me much and I know I need to respect that but as we lie here in the dark
I can’t help but speculate on how this night unfolded. I know he’ll tell me when he’s
ready, and I tell myself to be patient. After about forty-five minutes of lying there,
I realize Julian has actually fallen asleep. I look at the clock on my nightstand
and see it’s after midnight. It’s probably been over twenty-four hours since he slept
and I’m glad he’s sleeping. I’m also glad he’s here with me.

My arm has fallen asleep so I need to move it. I pull away from Julian and he doesn’t
stir. I get out of bed as gently as possible and get dressed. I turn off the lights,
get back into the bed, snuggle up next to him and pull the covers over us. Julian’s
breathing is heavy, indicating he’s fallen into a deep sleep. Even so, he reaches
for me and pulls me close. I hope my nearness brings him the same comfort in his sleep
that his does for me. I close my eyes and join him.

The scratchy feeling of Julian’s beard on my stomach wakes me up from a deep, dreamless
sleep. I feel his warm breath on my belly right before he kisses it just south of
my belly button. The next kiss I feel is on my breast right before he takes my nipple
in his mouth and suckles it. I arch my back and raise my body to meet his mouth, immediately
wanting more. A relaxed moan escapes as I’m brought out of my sleep by his tantalizing
touch. Mmm. The things he’s doing with his mouth are waking up each inch of my body.
I lay still as Julian gently slips my clothes off. It’s very dark in my room and I
can only see his silhouette illuminated by the moonlight peeking in through my blinds.
I’m grateful for this. I don’t know if I want to see his face, his eyes. I didn’t
like the way they were looking at me earlier and I just want to get lost in the sensation
of his touch. I just want to feel him.

Julian’s kisses don’t stop at my breasts and he starts a journey upward, kissing every
part of my chest and neck that’s available to him. His breath is warm and his lips
and tongue are soft and moist. By the time his mouth finally reaches mine, I’m so
aroused I grab his face and deepen the kiss. I want to breathe in this moment because
right now he’s my Julian. He kisses me back for a moment and then pulls away. He places
his mouth next to my ear. His voice is tender and apologetic.

“I’m so, so sorry about earlier, baby. I’ll never, ever make you feel like that again.
You’re so precious to me, Lexie. So precious. I want to make love to you. Is that
okay with you? Can I make love to you?”

His words melt my heart along with any reservations I have about moving forward. He
has forgiven me for everything I’ve done and I have no problem with forgiving him
this. I turn my head so his lips brush up against mine and I breathe the word into
his mouth, “Yes.”

His lips slide over mine and he dips his tongue in for a moment before he leaves me
breathless. While his mouth moves across the top half of my body, his hands move between
my legs. Julian spreads them open as he positions himself next to me. When his long
fingers feel the slickness he has brought about with his touch, he groans erotically.

“Mmm. You’re so wet. God I missed touching you.”

He finds a rhythm that soon has me squirming beneath his touch as he slides his finger
over my sensitive clit and into my sex. With one hand I grip the rumpled sheet next
to me and with the other I grab the back of Julian’s head and pull his mouth down
to mine. Our mouths greedily move against each other and when I feel the climax that
has been building start to race through my body, I can’t help but bite down on Julian’s
lower lip. He pulls back slightly and I see a flash of his white teeth and sexy smile
break across his face. His voice is raspy and seductive when he speaks.

“Not so hard, Corazón, my mouth isn’t done with you yet.”

I giggle a little. “I’m sorry. I can’t be held accountable for my actions when you’re
making me come.”

“It’s okay. I love watching you and feeling you come. It’s the fucking sexiest thing
I’ve ever seen. I want you to let go, Lexie. I want you to enjoy every second of me
loving you.”

“I’m enjoying every second of having you next to me again. I love you, Julian. But,
I’m not going to let go. I’m going to hold on this time. Trust me, I’m never going
to let go again.”

I know that isn’t what he meant when he told me to let go, but it felt right to tell
him what I did. I’m not letting go of him, of this, ever again and I want and need
him to believe that.

Julian rolls over so he’s half way on me, presses his forehead to mine, and whispers,
“Those are beautiful words, baby. Trust me, you’re going to need to hold on because
I’m just getting started here.”