Hold On (18 page)

Oh my God, is this really happening? How is this happening? I wanted to see him and
give him a kiss and now we’re fighting about the status of our relationship.

“I’m not sure how this happened, how we got into a fight, but I’m sorry, Julian. I
didn’t tell you and I should have.”

I can’t explain the truth without mentioning Luke, which would be such a bad idea
at this point.

“I’m all over the place and if you want to know the truth, you’re right. I didn’t
want to tell you about this. I didn’t want there to be another crisis for us to deal
with. I want this weekend to be over. I want things to be normal. I just want to be
normal.”

“Lexie, things aren’t going to be perfectly fine because a date has passed. You know
that. This is going to stay with you forever; it’s part of your story now. You may
not want to hear that, but it’s true. You’re going to have to keep dealing with it.
It’ll get easier, I promise, but you’re going to have to walk through this, not around
it. I’ll walk through with you, if you let me, but you can’t keep holding back. It
makes me question everything.”

I move forward and wrap my arms around him. “I’m sorry. I’m trying.”

“I know and I don’t want to sound condescending, but I’m proud of you for doing this.
I would’ve been supportive if you would’ve told me when it happened. We’ve had enough
secrets between us. I don’t want you to ever think you can’t tell me something. You
need to trust me.”

Julian pulls away and pulls his phone out of his pocket. I basically hijacked the
last thirty minutes of his day.

“I’ve got to go back to work. Are you sure you don’t want to go to my place?”

I shake my head. “I’m okay. I’m going to go up around eleven tomorrow. I’ll call you
before I leave.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? Are we okay?’

“Yes, we’re okay.”

His smile tells me we are but as I walk away I feel horrible for lying to him about
Luke and causing that big scene. I’m a fucking mess.

I get home from the movies around eleven and get into bed. I’m tired and not looking
forward to tomorrow at all. I wish Julian was here with me.

Alexa:
Good night. Xoxo
Julian:
Are you home?
Alexa:
Yes. Going to bed.
Julian:
Wish I was there
Alexa:
Was that a question
Julian:
No. A fact
Alexa:
Me too
Julian:
Sweet dreams mi amor
Alexa:
Talk to you in the morning
Julian:
nite

Chapter Thirteen

I almost turn around three times on my way to West Palm. I’m sick to my stomach and
don’t want to do this. Julian helped calm me down and reminded me I can do this. I
get there at noon. I hate that I’m late but I really had a hard time making myself
leave the house. Marissa and Shannon helped push me out when I explained what I was
doing. I guess they all figure this is going to help me. I’m not so sure anymore,
and the closer I get to the house, the more anxious I become.

When I pull up to Brady’s parents’ house, the first thing I notice is Luke’s car outside.
My already racing heart starts to beat even faster than it was before, and I really
start to panic. I can’t believe he’s here. Actually I can, but I’m still surprised.
I sit in the driveway for about ten minutes convincing myself to go in. I finally
get out and as soon as I get near the front I see Luke standing on the porch. I walk
forward, my mind blank, not sure what I’m going to say to him. I’ve been preparing
to talk to Judy and this is throwing me for a huge loop. Luke smiles and speaks first.

“Hey, Lex.” His tone is soft and I hear the nerves in it.

“Why are you here Luke?”

“How are you?”

He’s going to try and work around my anger but it’s not going to happen.

“Cut the crap. You know I hate surprises. Why are you here?”

He takes a deep breath. “Because Judy thought it would be a good idea. She wanted
to talk to both of us. You wouldn’t have come if I told you I’d be here so I skipped
that part. And, I wanted to see you.”

“You’re right. I have no idea what I’m even doing here anymore and you didn’t need
to drive all the way up here to be part of this.”

“I didn’t. I moved back last week. And I am part of this whether you like it or not.”

I’m shocked. He moved back? I know he left the hotel but I assumed he would just find
another job in South Beach.

“You moved back? Why?”

Luke shrugs his shoulders. He looks tired.

“My lease is up at the end of this month. My cousin Josh needed a roommate and I got
offered a job at Surge. It all worked out, so I moved.”

“But your whole life is in South Beach and you hate West Palm.”

His eyes are downcast when he answers. “Things change. My life changed.”

I don’t know how to feel. I’m still so mad at him. But, I also care about him and
it bothers me he changed everything because of what happened between us. The conflicting
emotions I have toward Luke are so powerful.

“So did mine Luke.”

Damn, I can’t help myself from biting on this line of conversation.

“How are you?” He asks again in hope of a real answer.

“I’m good Luke. No thanks to you.”

The hurt side of me says that but the fact is, if Luke wouldn’t have forced this issue
with Julian, I may never have told anyone about the rape. It’s brought me closer to
my friends and closer to Julian.

Luke looks like he’s about to say something but stops. He turns to walk into the house,
looks over his shoulder and tells me to come in. I follow behind and find myself in
the Richard’s massive foyer. I’ve been in the house a few times and am always blown
away by the size. It baffled me that only three people ever lived here. With Brady
gone, I can’t imagine why his parents would stay. I follow him into a room, the study
perhaps, where Judy is sitting and waiting. She looks like she’s been crying and when
I see her swollen eyes my anxiety revs up.

She stands up and comes to give me a hug. We never really spent much time around Brady’s
parents, but each time I saw his mom I remember thinking how strong she was; how confident
and powerful. She’s a partner at a huge law firm, a trial attorney, and deals with
the kind of cases that make the national news. Right now she’s a shadow of her former
self. She looks frail and nervous. I guess that’s what losing a child does to a mother.
My heart breaks for her.

“Thank you for coming all the way here, Alexa. I’m sorry to surprise you with Luke.
He said you would be mad but I thought it would be better if we all talked together.”

Better for whom, I wonder? We sit down and I’m on a chair opposite of Judy. Luke is
next to me on a loveseat. I look over at him and he smiles encouragingly. It’s the
old Luke looking at me, supporting me, and I feel some of the anger melt away.

“Luke was the one who suggested I call you. We had a very long talk last week and
he told me a few things I didn’t know. Things I couldn’t have heard a year ago, or
maybe even six months ago.”

Oh no, what did he say? I face him and scowl. He lied to me. He said this was her
idea.

“I want to apologize first. I’m sorry I haven’t reached out to you since Brady died,
or ever, really. You meant a lot to him and I should’ve taken the time to get to know
you. I’ve been so angry at you, I couldn’t even say anything to you after the funeral.
I knew you were hurting too, but I couldn’t and I’m so sorry for that.”

Angry? With me? What did I do? I must look confused because Judy explains.

“Brady wasn’t spending any time with us and he was with you. I didn’t understand why
you didn’t do more to help him. I figured you had to have known he was in trouble.
We had some idea he was using, but he wouldn’t let us in anymore. We didn’t know it
was as bad as it was and to be honest, we thought it really was just alcohol, not
drugs.”

I sit silently. My blood is starting to boil. I’ll take the blame for some things,
but not his drug use. That’s on him.

“Luke explained to me that you did try to help him. That you all did. And that you’ve
been blaming yourself for his death because you broke-up with him because of his drug
use.”

I turn and look at Luke. His expression is unreadable. I still don’t know how much
she knows.

“I’ve been living with horrible guilt and it’s almost wrecked my life. I don’t want
you to feel the same way. That’s why you’re here. I can’t imagine the pain you felt
when you found him and I’m horrified to say I’m happy it wasn’t me who did. It should’ve
been me.”

I’m still a little confused and not sure where this is going. She’s all over the place.
She’s also really crying now and pausing regularly. She keeps drifting off into her
own world. I can relate, so I’m trying to be patient, but I wish she would get to
her point.

“I was supposed to meet Brady that day. He called me and asked if I could come home
and be with him. He told me he was drinking and that he needed help. He talked to
me about taking him to rehab.”

Oh my God. The light bulb goes off in my head. I see where this is going now. I instinctively
slide forward in my chair and grab her hand.

“You don’t know this either, Luke. I’m so sorry.”

She’s really starting to cry now and so am I. I glance at Luke and see he’s shaken
as well.

“I was so mad at him that I said no. I told him to pass out and sleep it off. He had
just told us a few days before that he failed his bar exam for the second time. He
had also received two DUI’s in six months which his father had to make go away, and
we had recently found out he had stolen fifty thousand dollars from a safe we have
in the house. It was too much and I couldn’t deal with him.”

I look at Luke and see by his expression he had no idea about the money or the second
failed bar exam. We did know about the DUI’s.

“After the second DUI, we tried to get him into rehab and he refused to go. He said
it was only alcohol and that he would stop drinking. I believed him. I believed him
until we got the coroner’s report that showed all the drugs in his system.”

My contact with Brady’s family was very limited after the funeral and I wasn’t privileged
to any of those details. I didn’t need them anyway. I knew about the cocaine and pot
so this isn’t surprising.

“Anyway, I was supposed to be the one to find him. It shouldn’t have been you. He
called me back an hour later and begged me to come home. He said he needed me. I told
him I had to finish prepping for a case and would be home in a few hours.”

Her sobs are gut-wrenching now and I can’t help but break down too. Holy shit. His
mom was supposed to find him and the note. My agreeing to see him was somewhat impromptu
and I never promised I was going to show up. He was expecting his mom. It hits me
that maybe he wasn’t seeking my forgiveness at all. But, I push that thought out as
fast as it comes in. He did want me to forgive him. His texts and messages over the
two weeks following the rape all said so. This is just not only about me. There’s
plenty of blame, pain, and guilt to go around.

I kneel in front of her and try to comfort her like so many people have tried to comfort
me over the last year.

“Judy, it’s not your fault. Brady made the choice. You didn’t do this to him. He was
very sick.”

She pulls away and smiles thinly. “Thank you, but, I was … am, his mom. He was sick
and he needed me and I wasn’t there. I couldn’t live with the guilt so I’ve blamed
you this whole time.” She turns and faces Luke. “And I blamed Luke too. Instead of
reaching out to you, the people he loved, I shut you all out. Brady died thinking
he didn’t matter to me. He probably hated me. That’s the part I can’t live with.”

“It’s okay Judy. We all handle things differently. You lost your son. I can’t imagine
your pain.”

“You lost him too. And you too Luke, and I’m so, so sorry.”

I wrap my arms around her again and we cry together. We cry for the man we both loved
and who we couldn’t save; the man who let us both down and broke our hearts. I know
I need to tell her about the note. She needs to know Brady wanted her forgiveness.

I sit back down in my chair.

“Judy, you aren’t the only one who has been hiding things.” I pause and look at Luke.
He shakes his head. He thinks I’m going to tell her about the rape.

“Finding Brady is the single worst moment in my life. There are no words. We had been
having problems and I had broken up with him. He wanted to talk for weeks and I refused.
I was very mad at him. I did know he was using and I knew it was bad. I tried to help,
but he didn’t want help. He told me he would die if I didn’t forgive him.”

Judy eyes widen when I say that.

“Did you think he was serious?”

I shake my head vehemently. “No, of course not. But like you, I’ve blamed myself for
his death. I didn’t know he was having so many other issues. He kept all of that from
me.”

Judy shrugs her shoulders. “I guess there’s a lot neither of us knew. I wish we would’ve
talked a year ago.”

I turn my head to Luke. He doesn’t know about the note either. I smile thinly.

“Judy, I wish we would have talked too, more than you know. This has been the hardest
year of my life. I can only imagine how awful it’s been for you.”

The thought that Brady’s dad, John, isn’t here crosses my mind for the first time.
I wonder where he fits into all of this.

“You need to know something though. Brady didn’t hate you. He wanted your forgiveness.”

Judy smiles weakly at me. “That’s sweet and I’d like to believe that, but I’m the
one who needs forgiveness.”

I feel nauseous. “It’s true Judy. He left a note.”

I turn and look at Luke and then back at Judy. Their mouths and eyes are wide open.
Luke speaks for the first time since we sat down.

“What are you talking about, Lexie? You never told me about a note.”

Judy has gone white. Her voice is pained and anxious. “You found a note, and never
said anything. How could you do that? Where is it? What did it say?” Her voice is
raised now.

I open my purse and pull the note out. I’ve kept it all this time. It has been in
a box in my closet with a picture of Brady. I had hoped one day I’d be able to look
at both and truly forgive him. I hand it to her.

Judy unfolds the note and mouths the words, forgive me.

“What does it say?” Luke’s voice is raised too.

“Forgive me. It just says forgive me. That’s it.” She hands it to Luke so he can see
for himself.

Judy looks up at me. “You thought that was for you? You thought he killed himself
because of you, all this time?” Her voice is softer now.

My tears have started again.

“Yes. I told him I might be coming over and I thought he wanted me to find it. I thought
this was all because of me. I didn’t want anyone to see the note because I couldn’t
handle the guilt. It destroyed me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

Something in Judy’s expression changes and I see the wheels turning in her head. She’s
more attorney than mom at the moment.

“What did Brady do that was so bad he needed your forgiveness?”

I look at Luke again and he shakes his head slightly. He doesn’t want me to say anything
about the rape. I can’t anyway. The words won’t come out. She doesn’t need to know
that about her son. I can tell I’m not getting out of this without offering up something
though.

“Brady cheated on me, with several women. I found out a few weeks before he died.”

She pauses and I can see she’s debating in her mind whether I’m telling the truth.
I am, so she doesn’t question it.

“So you know about Kim?”

Kim? I have no idea who Kim is. Unless it’s the girl Brady was with that night. The
one who said she was pregnant. The one who Luke told me was lying about being pregnant.
Why does Judy know about her? My brain is rapid-firing thoughts and questions. I turn
and look at Luke. “Who is Kim, Luke?”

And because I know Luke, it becomes so blatantly clear why he told me that this girl
was lying. Why he didn’t want me to come up to West Palm or have anything to do with
Brady’s family. I hadn’t wanted to anyway but Luke really discouraged it. I’m going
to make him say it.

“The girl Brady was with that night.”

I turn and look at Judy. “And she had a baby? Brady’s baby?”

“Yes. I have a four-month-old grandson, Michael.” She smiles when she says it. She’s
happy about this. Michael was Brady’s middle name. “And yes, we’re sure it’s his.
We did a paternity test.”