Hold On (17 page)

I watch as a warm smile breaks across his face and I snuggle into his arms even tighter.
I want him to hold me. I don’t need anything else from him right now. I just want
him to do what he said he wanted to do and help me not feel alone.

We talk quietly for the next few hours. He’s in a bit of a sharing mood and I ask
him some more questions about Isabelle and about his past. I hear the pain in his
voice when he talks about her death and it causes a ground swell of emotion in me.
Julian notices and asks me if I want to talk about Brady, or about what happened last
year. After a few minutes I decide to tell him. I don’t have a very hard time talking
about it, which even surprises me. It might be because I talked about it for months
on end with Ellen. I talked about it because it helped me not focus on the rape. It
was a calculated decision on my part and when I tell Julian how I walked in, after
knocking for several minutes, and found him dead in his bed next to empty pill and
whiskey bottles, I’m able to do it without freaking out. It was the most horrific
thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life, but a year later I feel somewhat detached
from the event.

I explain to Julian how I checked for a pulse and couldn’t find one and how I called
911. I tell him how I ran to the main house and screamed at the housekeepers to call
his parents. I tell him how I called Luke and sobbed into the phone that he needed
to come. When I think about it I can picture the sirens and flashing lights from the
ambulance. I can hear his mother wailing and see his father trying to comfort her.
I can remember being asked questions by a police officer and I remember Luke carrying
me to his car and taking me to his parent’s house. Of course I see Brady’s face. It’s
what I always see in my nightmares. I explain to Julian that the next week passed
in a blur as I tried to come to terms with what had happened. The funeral was a few
days later, the day after my birthday, and after I went, I pretty much shut the door
on that part of my life and vowed to not look back. It was so ugly and so painful
that completely removing myself from the situation was the only way I could see to
survive. I don’t really talk to Julian about Luke, but I think about him as I’m telling
the story. He was devastated and we really did lean on each other for support. After
he heard the details once, he never really wanted to discuss the actual event again.
Brady was gone by the time Luke got to West Palm, so he was spared that visual. I
was envious about that.

My sisters were both in town visiting when this happened and did what they could to
be supportive. So did my parents. I wouldn’t let them do much for me. They wanted
me to move back home for a while but I wanted to keep living my normal life, whatever
that was. Eventually they stopped talking about it. My friends tried to be as supportive
as possible too, but this was so outside any of our areas of knowledge. We had lost
grandparents but not one of us had had a close friend, someone so young, die. And
we didn’t know anyone that had killed themselves. It was a dark time for all of us
and looking back now, I think we all wanted to put it behind us. My sister, Jill,
stayed with me for a few days before she went back to Tampa. It was odd, but I didn’t
argue when she asked to stay over. She watched me like a hawk for three days and when
she was leaving she begged me to get professional help. The nightmares had started
and she witnessed a few. After two weeks of waking up terrified in the middle of the
night, I made my first appointment with Ellen.

Julian gives me his full attention and listens to every word I say. He keeps me close
to him and squeezes my hand at times and runs his hand up and down my back as well.
This moment has none of the same raw emotion the other night did, but I can still
see the empathy Julian has for me in his eyes. When I finally do fall asleep, I feel
a bit lighter for sharing another piece of my painful past.

Chapter Twelve

For the first time in forever, I wake up before Julian. It is a surprise, and a treat,
to find him in my bed when I wake up. I woke up before my alarm and reach over to
turn it off. I lie there and stare at him for as long as I can. In his sleep, Julian
looks so young and so peaceful. It makes me think of the picture he took of me sleeping
and I grab my iPhone and take a picture. He’s lying on his back with one hand behind
his head and one on his amazingly ripped stomach. He’s naked, of course, and my yellow
sheet is pulled up to his waist. It really is hard for me not to look at him and get
turned on, but I talk myself down and just take him all in. He’s constantly moving,
constantly doing things, and to see him so still is a rare treat. When I listen close,
I can even hear him breathe. I feel closer to him right now. I feel special to be
able to see him in such a vulnerable state. I know not many people see this side of
him and my heart swells. I feel lucky, and I feel so much love.

I need it today; to feel the good vibes. Today is the official one year anniversary
of Brady’s death. I feel better than I thought I would and I’m sure talking to Julian
last night helped. I’m beginning to see the more I share, the less burdened I am.
I wish I would’ve figured that out sooner. I think about where I was a few weeks ago
and even I can see the progress. It makes me smile a little when I think about how
far I’ve come.

The smile is still on my face when I walk back out of the bathroom after my shower
and find him still in bed. He’s awake and on the phone, but still there and still
relaxed. I go to him with the innocent intention of giving him a kiss good morning.
His intentions aren’t so innocent, as I quickly find out when he pulls me onto the
bed on top of him. I see, or feel, right away that all of him is awake. He hangs up
his call and brings me down into a tight, full body, bear hug. I’m in a robe, with
nothing on underneath and I can feel the heat from his skin through the silky material.

“Well good morning to you too.”

He gives me a peck on the lips and rolls me off of him.

“Good morning, mi amor. On second thought this isn’t a good idea. That was Candace
on the phone and I have to get into work. I don’t have near enough time to do the
things I want to do to you this morning. Rain check?”

“Absolutely.” I’m okay with the rain check idea, I actually prefer it. I’m in a pretty
good mood considering what this day means, but I’m a bit distracted. I also don’t
feel well. I thought it was PMS, but when I looked at my birth control pill box this
morning I realized my period shouldn’t be here until next week. I guess all of this
stress is really doing a number on my body.

I meet Julian in the kitchen after he showers and hand him a cup of coffee to go.
He notices I haven’t packed anything for the weekend. “Not planning on staying over?”

“I heard you mention you had to work tonight, that Ruben was out for the weekend.
I really don’t want to hang out at the club and I don’t want to be alone tonight so
I’m going to come home.” His disappointment is obvious. “Julian, it’s okay. You have
to work. I’m fine. Lauren asked me if I wanted to go to the movies, so that’s probably
what I’ll do.”

He doesn’t argue but I wonder if he’s thinking about the last time he wasn’t there
for me when I needed him. I spent Memorial Day with Luke and that did not end well.

“Seriously, Julian. Please don’t worry about it.”

“Okay, but if you need something, let me know and if you change your mind I’d love
to come home to you. We’re still on for tomorrow night, right?”

Ugh. Yes. My birthday dinner. Julian is all about celebrating my birthday. When I
told him I was having dinner with my parents and my sister on the actual day, he strong-armed
me to agree to dinner Saturday. He was disappointed I didn’t invite him to join us
but after the debacle with his parents he didn’t push. I made him promise we’d do
something low-key and just the two of us. We agreed to go to dinner at Ursa’s and
then go back to his place. It sounds like he has to work now, so I’m hoping it really
will turn into an early night.

Julian drops me off at work and as soon as he drives away my good mood follows. Damn.
I knew it was too good to be true. I hate to admit it but his positive energy and
support really do wonders to my mood. He’s been the strength I’ve needed to make it
through these last few weeks and I’ve become a little dependent on him. I feel a sadness
start to creep in.

I’m sitting at my desk and trying to concentrate on anything other than the date on
my calendar when I hear my phone ping with two text messages. I’m hoping its Julian.
It’s Luke.

Luke:
Hi
Luke:
Are you okay?

Damn him. I want to be mad at him. I want to hate him because then I wouldn’t miss
him. But, then he goes and does this. It’s early for him, especially if he worked
last night, and his first thoughts are of me. Damn him.

Alexa:
Hi. Not really. How are you?
Luke:
Shitty. Hard day
Alexa:
Yep
Luke:
Can you talk for a minute?
Alexa:
No

I want to hear his voice but I know I’ll start crying.

Luke:
Okay. Judy asked that I reach out again. She’d really like to see and talk to you
tomorrow. Are you sure you won’t go?

I’m not sure what the hell comes over me, but all of a sudden I feel like this might
be a good idea. I was able to talk to Julian about this calmly last night and maybe
talking to Brady’s mom will be the final step in my healing journey. Before I change
my mind I text him back.

Alexa:
Okay. Tell her I’ll come. 12?
Luke:
Really? She’s going to be very happy to hear that. Thank you.

I think about what else to say to Luke and I don’t know what to write. I want to say
so much, but it all seems inadequate today.

Luke:
I’m here if you need to talk about this. Just this.
Alexa:
Thanks. I’m good. Take care, Luke.
Luke:
You too, Lex.

Tears well up in my eyes. How did we get here, Luke?

After I stop texting I realize I’m going to have to tell Julian about my plans. He’s
not going to be happy with this and if I had to bet, I’d say he’s going to want to
go with me, which isn’t going to happen. I decide to tell him later, so he’s not annoyed
about it the whole day.

I finish doing everything I need to do today and figure nobody will care if I go home
a little early. I stop by the hotel on my way home; I’m feeling this pull to go. After
about ten minutes of looking for him, I find Julian outside by the pool. He’s talking
to some guests who are enjoying the day. I watch from a distance as he animatedly
talks to them. I can’t hear what he’s saying but everyone is smiling. He shakes one
of their hands and turns to walk back into the building. He sees me standing by the
door and a smile breaks out across his face. He walks toward me, takes my hand, and
gives me a kiss on the cheek. I’d like more, but we have an audience so this will
have to do.

“This is a nice surprise. I didn’t expect you. Are you okay?”

Ugh. Always looking for the bad.

“I’m good. I missed you. I’m heading home and thought I’d stop by for a kiss before
I left.”

I don’t mention that I’ve felt like a basket-case since he dropped me off.

Julian pulls me around a corner where nobody can see us and puts both of his hands
on my face. He presses his lips to mine and gives me a soft, sweet kiss. I wrap my
hand around the back of his head and deepen it by sliding my tongue into his mouth
and kissing him passionately. He slides his hands down my sides and pulls me close.
The burst of passion that ignites is electric and for a few moments we both become
lost in the kiss. We haven’t had sex since last Sunday and that’s a long time for
us. At the start of this relationship I was doing everything I could to make things
about the physical, and about the sex. I didn’t want the emotional. Now I feel like
the pendulum has completely swung the other way and everything is emotional. I need
it to swing back toward the center because I’m feeling so vulnerable.

Julian tries to pull away and I cling to him tightly. I keep my mouth on his. His
body on mine is a good distraction from my dark thoughts and I find myself feeling
desperate for his touch. He kisses me for another few moments and then really pulls
away. He’s panting and trying to catch his breath.

“Wow. Where did that come from?”

“Sorry. I guess I got carried away.” I try and catch my breath too.

Julian kisses me softly. “Don’t ever apologize for kissing me like that. I just didn’t
expect it.”

“Good, because I’m not sorry. It wasn’t my intention to get you all riled up, especially
here. It’s your fault really. I can’t help myself.” I try to make the mood light,
even though that’s not how I’m feeling at all.

He smiles and takes a step back.

“I can’t help myself either. That’s why we need to stop. It’s been a while, baby,
and I’ve missed you.”

I stare at him and think about what he said about it being a while.

“What, Lexie? And don’t say nothing. Your wheels are turning pretty fast right now.”

I don’t deny it. “I just feel off. It has been a while and I get why, but when we
aren’t connecting physically it makes me … uncomfortable.”

He looks confused and totally unprepared for this conversation.

“Uncomfortable, how?”

“Like an important part of who we are isn’t working, like we’re disconnected.”

I don’t want to go into a big, detailed discussion about how I need the physical connection
to feel okay to feel balanced. How his touch distracts me from the emotions that keep
overwhelming me. How the minute he drove away this morning I started to feel alone.

He ponders what I said for a moment and then offers his response. “I could literally
make love to you every day for the rest of our lives, so please don’t ever think I
don’t want you, or want to be close to you. But you need to know, for me, this relationship
isn’t just about sex. We’ve had some serious stuff going on lately and it hasn’t seemed
right. It bothers me you feel disconnected because I’ve been feeling closer to you
than ever before.”

He sounds disappointed and a little hurt. I shrug my shoulders. I can’t change what
I said because it’s really how I feel. I didn’t plan this conversation but now it’s
happening and I can’t stop it.

“I’m not sure what to say about this, except that you have an issue being close with
me. You opened up so much in the last few days and let me in, and now you want things
to be back to being only physical. It’s what you do when you start to get overwhelmed
by your feelings. We need to get past this.”

I try and backtrack a little. “I don’t only want you for your body. Don’t worry.”

He doesn’t smile. “It’s not funny, and you know I’m right.”

“Fine. Be right. I didn’t come here to argue. I’m not going to see you until tomorrow
night and I wanted to give you a kiss. It didn’t need to turn into a big conversation
about how unstable I am.” I take a step back now and turn to leave.

“Tomorrow night? Didn’t you take the day off tomorrow? I thought we were going to
hang out and then go to dinner.”

Crap. Now I have to tell him what plans I made.

“Oh, I’m going to go to West Palm Beach and meet with Brady’s mom.” I throw in a little
lie. “She called me this morning and asked if I’d come and talk to her. I don’t really
want to but she kind of begged.”

Julian shakes his head in confusion.

“What? She called you this morning, out of the blue, and you agreed to go. And failed
to mention it all day?”

His bullshit radar is going off.

“You seemed busy and I knew you’d have a problem with it. I was going to tell you
tonight.”

“I can’t go with you tomorrow. I need to stay close by.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t think you could go. I know Ruben is out of town.”

“And this is a perfect time because you don’t want me to go?”

“Julian, stop trying to pick a fight with me. I didn’t come here to argue with you.
I wanted to see you. I missed you and wanted a kiss and you’re giving me crap for
that. Now I tell you I’m going to have a conversation with the mother of my dead ex-boyfriend,
because she asked, and you’re mad about that too.”

“En serio? You’ve just spun this around and made it about me. You’re the one over
here telling me you feel disconnected from me. You tell me you forgot to mention you’re
going to talk about one of the most traumatic events in your life with someone who
randomly called you today, and I’m supposed to believe you? When did she call you?”

I’m busted. There’s zero chance I’m mentioning Luke and confessing he was involved.

“Tuesday. I wasn’t going to go but she called again today. I didn’t say anything because
we have so much going on already. I figured this would be just another thing for us
to argue about and I was right.”

“Why are you going?”

“Because I want this to stop. I want this behind me. I’m going so I can listen to
what she has to say and move on. I’m tired of thinking about this and feeling so guilty.
Her son died and for some reason she wants to talk to me about it a year later. I
don’t know why. She didn’t want to talk then.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? Just like that?”

“Yep. Just like that. Do what you need to do Lexie, you always do.”

“Thanks for the support!”

“Really? I’ve been nothing but supportive of you since day one. I sit here while you
dole out bits and pieces of your life as you see fit. We get close, so close, and
then you pull back. I actually don’t think this is a bad idea, you going, but once
again it shows how little faith you have in me. You had no intention of telling me
right now. It slipped out and then you tried to make this about my reactions. Why
don’t you make a list of the things we can talk about and the things I get to have
an opinion about?”