Hold On (21 page)

“I feel like nothing I do is good enough for you. I gave you my heart and it’s not
fucking good enough, and I don’t know how to deal with that again. You keep walking
away from me and it kills me each time. So, yes, I wanted someone else to make me
feel like I was enough. It was wrong and I know I fucked up. I don’t want her, or
anyone else. There isn’t anyone else for me. I know why you saw me and so do you.
We’re meant to be together. You know that. I know you do. I fucked up, and I’m so
sorry. Please forgive me.”

I’m not sure anything other than chains could keep me in my chair. I feel compelled
to go to him and I can’t stop myself from climbing onto his lap and wrapping my arms
around him as tightly as I can; as if my life depends on it. I was determined to walk
away again. I really was going to end it this time, but not because Julian isn’t good
enough for me. It’s because I don’t think I’m good enough for him. I’ve never thought
I could be what he really needed and wanted. Every single thing he said is true. He’s
done everything to make me feel secure and wanted and loved, and because I make everything
about me all the time, he doesn’t know how I really feel.

Julian returns my embrace with the same intensity and I can feel him trembling as
he presses his face into my neck. We sit quietly like this for a while. Neither of
us wants to say anything and break the moment.

I know what I need to do, or say. I’ve been so wrong to have waited this long. I’ve
been a coward. I pull back and put my hands on his face. I place my lips on his and
kiss him softly.

“I love you, Julian Bauer. I started falling in love with you in the stairwell, the
first time you touched me. There isn’t anyone else. It’s me who doesn’t feel like
I’m good enough, Julian. I’ve been so scared you’re going to wake up and change your
mind. But you need to know how I feel about you.”

I take his hand and place it over my heart. “It’s yours. It has been since day one.”

Julian places his hands on my face now and the kiss he gives me is full of love, tenderness,
and relief. His lips and tongue are soft and gentle. I kiss him back and try to pour
all of the love I’m feeling into this moment. I open my eyes and see him staring at
me. His eyes shine with love as well. We sit there for a few minutes and just stare
at each other. I mean the kind of stare where you see into another person’s soul.
It’s so intense and so intimate.

“What do you want from me? What do you need from me? I’ll do anything for you. Anything.”

I believe every word he’s saying. I know he would do anything for me. He keeps showing
me time and time again how much I mean to him. Last night was bad, really bad. If
anyone would’ve asked me if I thought I’d be able to move past it I would’ve said
no, certainly not this quickly, if at all. But, there’s no way I can look into his
eyes and walk away. There isn’t enough of a reason to let go. He made a mistake and
it hurts that he was so close to taking things so far with another woman, but I’ve
made mistakes too and after listening to his words, I know I’ve hurt him too. It’s
so baffling that two people who seem to love each other so much have such a hard time
holding it together. Julian rests his forehead on mine and runs his hand through my
hair. He kisses me softly on the lips and whispers my name, “Lexie.”

“Make love to me. I just need to be close to you.” My words are a whispered plea.

Julian stands up with me in his arms and walks toward my bedroom. He doesn’t take
his eyes off of me the whole time. He sets me down in front of my bed and we begin
to slowly undress each other. I feel naked and exposed even before I’m undressed.
The moment is so raw and the pure emotion of this situation is hanging heavily in
the air. I pull his t-shirt over his head and begin working on getting his shorts
off. When we’re naked, he lays me on the bed and positions himself next to me. He’s
still staring into my eyes. I have to know what he’s thinking.

I touch his cheek with my fingertips. “Say something please.”

He kisses them and puts my hand on his heart. His voice is quiet.

“I’m trying to find the words to describe how those words make me feel and I can’t.
There really aren’t any words. You’re everything to me, Alexa Reed. Todo. I’ve wanted
to hear you say them. I’ve needed you to tell me you love me. Not knowing has made
me feel weak and insecure. Two things I’m unfamiliar with. I needed you to look me
in the eyes and let me know I wasn’t imagining this thing that has been happening
between us.”

I whisper, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was afraid. I wanted to tell you when I
knew I was ready to give you everything you deserve. You’re an amazing man and I love
you, Julian. I’m so sorry you didn’t know all of that.”

“Do you believe me that there’s nobody else but you, Lexie? Nunca mas. Solamente tu.”

I want to believe it. I have to believe it because I can’t imagine my life without
this man in it. I nod and place my lips gently on his. I breathe the words into his
mouth, “I’m yours, only yours.”

We spend the next few hours making love and telling each other how we feel. We don’t
talk anymore about anything that happened yesterday. I don’t want to talk about Luke,
or Brady, or whoever he was with. I don’t even want to know who she is because I want
her to be irrelevant. I want to push away any lingering insecurities I have, and focus
on Julian and our relationship. I want to create a bubble around us and exist in it
for a few hours. So, I do.

At around eight, we decide to get out of bed and get some dinner. I didn’t eat much
at lunchtime and now I’m hungry. I don’t feel like going anywhere so we order Chinese
food. We get dressed and head into the kitchen. When we pass through the living room,
both Marissa and Shannon smile brightly at us. They’re thrilled to see Julian is still
here.

“Are you two hungry? We’re going to order Chinese.”

They tell us what they’d like and Julian calls to place the order. While he’s on the
phone they ask if everything is okay.

I nod and smile. “Yes. We’re good. We talked about everything.”

“Is he coming to your parents tomorrow?”

Marissa says it loud so Julian can hear her as he walks back into the room. She knows
I didn’t invite him and she just did that on purpose. I don’t answer because Julian
does.

“She hasn’t invited me to her parent’s house tomorrow.” He looks genuinely hurt.

Shannon joins in and I don’t know if I should be mad or happy they’re forcing this
issue.

“We’re going to dinner at seven-thirty. It’s her parents, her sister Jill, and Marissa
and I. I’m sure Frank and Claire would love to meet you.” She’s laughing by the time
she finishes and Julian can’t help but smile. Neither can I.

“You can come. But be prepared for the inquisition. Frank and Claire are going to
expect big things from you if I bring you home to celebrate my birthday.”

I almost expect him to decline because it was a forced invitation, but he doesn’t.

“Great. I’ll be there. I’ll pick you up after work and we can go together.” He actually
grabs my phone off the coffee table and tosses it to me. “Call them now and let them
know to expect me. It’d be rude to show up unannounced.”

“Um, okay. Worried I might rescind the invitation?”

They all laugh because it’s something I’d do.

“Um, yes.” Julian chuckles. “I’m going.”

They all stare at me while I dial. My mom answers and after a few pleasantries I let
her know I’m bringing someone to dinner tomorrow. She asks who and when I tell her
it’s a man I’m dating, I can hear the excitement in her voice. She starts to ask me
all of the who’s, what’s, and where’s but I cut her off. I promise her she will get
all of those questions answered tomorrow. She’s super excited and I’m feeling better
about inviting Julian. It seems so much more real in the last few hours if that’s
possible.

After I hang up, I turn and look at Julian who is sitting on the couch.

“You get to celebrate my birthday with me. I hope you don’t regret it.”

He winks at me. “I can’t wait.”

We spend the next hour and a half eating Chinese food and talking about my parents.
I’m surprised Julian isn’t scared off by all the talk about how much they want me
to get married and settle down. I told him some of this before but my friends back
it all up with specific comments and stories.

“Are you staying here tonight?” I’m hoping the answer is yes, but I don’t know what
his plans are for the morning.

“You couldn’t make me leave, Corazón. We can drive in together tomorrow and to your
parent’s house after work. They’re in Aventura, right?”

“Yes, Aventura Lakes.”

“I’m looking forward to meeting your parents.”

“You say that now. I promise they’ll have a million personal questions for you.”

“I’ve got nothing to hide. I’m happy to let them know I’m crazy about their daughter.”

I smile at Julian as I bring our dinner mess into the kitchen. He follows behind me
with the last of the food.

“Do you want your present now or tomorrow?”

I’m caught off guard. I really hadn’t thought about a present. I pause for a moment.

“And don’t make any comments about how I didn’t need to get you anything. I haven’t
bought you anything except dinner since we met and I’ve been dying to. Your birthday
is the perfect reason.”

I think about that quickly and realize he’s right. I also wonder why he making such
a big deal about it. I don’t need him to buy me things. It’s not why I’m with him.

“My birthday is officially in two hours so I guess it’s okay to get a present now.”

Julian flashes me his big, happy smile and walks out the door to his car. My heart
starts to beat faster and I can’t wait to see what he got me. I’m nervous though.
What if it’s something I don’t like? I push that thought out of my mind. Julian has
great taste and I’m sure I’ll like whatever he gets me. He walks back in with a duffle
bag. He walks toward my room and I follow. I shut the door behind me and sit on my
bed. He sits down next to me and puts the bag next to him.

“I got you a few things.”

He has a sheepish look on his face. I shouldn’t be surprised; I know he’s a generous
man. He takes the first gift out. It’s a flat, rectangular box that looks like something
a picture frame comes in. It’s wrapped in pretty black and white paisley paper. He
hands it to me.

I unwrap it and see my guess was right. It is a frame. I smile as I open it, anxious
to see if there’s a picture in the frame. I open it upside down and when I flip it
over I can’t stop the happy tears that come to my eyes. I look up at Julian, who’s
smiling brightly at me.

“Who took this?”

“Gabby. She gave it to me a few weeks ago to give to you. I decided to save it for
your birthday. I have one too. I have hidden it from you but it sits next to my bed
when you’re not there.”

Inside of a beautiful 5x7, white and blue mosaic, tiled frame is a picture of Julian
and I from the first day we spent at the beach together. It was taken when we walked
up to the water and he stopped and wrapped his arms around me. We’re looking at each
other and now I know what Gabby saw that day. We’re looking at each other like we’re
in love. The ocean is in the background and the breeze is blowing my hair. I didn’t
see her with a camera that day and I can’t believe I didn’t notice her taking this
picture. It’s pretty close-up so she must’ve used a powerful lens. It’s an intimate,
candid shot and I absolutely love it. That we’re both wearing turquoise blue bathing
suits makes the picture pop even more.

“This is incredible. I love it and I remember this moment exactly. Is she a photographer?”

“Yes. She’s been freelancing for about a year now and trying to build a business.
I think she’s really got an eye for it.”

“Me too. Thank you. It’s beautiful and I love the frame. The colors are perfect. I
love that you have one too. You need color in your bedroom.”

Julian laughs. He knows I think his place is boring. He’s told me I’m allowed to make
it more colorful. Maybe I’ll get Gabby to help out with some photography.

“I’m glad you like it. I remember the moment too. But, there’s more …”

Julian reaches in and pulls out an envelope. It’s plain and I have no clue what’s
in it. I open it up as Julian watches and I pull out six front row tickets to the
Bruno Mars concert in September. Holy shit! I’m so excited. I really wanted to go
to this and missed out on buying the tickets when they went on sale. I had mentioned
it casually to Julian a few weeks ago. I lean over and give him a huge hug.

“Julian, this is amazing. You were listening. I really wanted to see him.”

“I always listen. I figure you, me, and four of your friends can go.”

Not only did he get tickets for us to go but he included my friends. My heart swells.

“Thank you so much for including my friends. They’re going to be so excited. We all
love Bruno.”

“Danny got tickets too so there will be a lot of us going. It should be a great time.”

“That’s even better. I can’t wait. Thank you again.”

Julian smiles at me and reaches into his bag.

“One more thing¾”

“Julian, the tickets and the frame were enough, too much really.”

“Like I said earlier, I haven’t spent any money on you. I’m happy you aren’t with
me for my money, but I do have a little bit of it, and if I want to spoil you on your
birthday I think I should be able to.”

“Well, if you insist, I guess I can’t say no. It’s been a while since anyone spoiled
me anyway.”

Julian’s face turns serious for a moment.

“You deserve to be spoiled every day, and if you’d let me I’d love to be the one to
do it.”

I lean over and kiss him softly. He reaches back in the bag and pulls out another
box that can only be one thing; a shoe box. Holy shit, he bought me shoes. How awesome
is this? The box is wrapped in the same pretty paisley paper.