Hold On (19 page)

My head is spinning. This just keeps twisting and turning. A DNA test after he died?
That must’ve been awful. I take a few deep breaths and try to figure out how I feel.
I run through the list and realize I feel it all: mad, sad, betrayed, hurt, happy
for Judy that a piece of Brady’s is still living, and relieved.

I dig deep and pull out the happiness. “Congratulations. It’s a blessing for you to
have a piece of Brady.”

Judy gets up and takes a frame off of the desk behind her. If I had seen it when I
walked in I would’ve thought it was Brady. His son looks so much like him. No DNA
test was needed. My happiness is gone. I feel like someone just punched me in the
gut. I’m not sure why I feel sick about this now. I guess it’s because the only thing
Brady left me were scars that won’t seem to fade. I try to smile but it’s forced.

“He’s beautiful. He looks exactly like Brady.”

She nods. “He does.” There’s a big pause. “Kim is a good mom. She’s allowing us to
be part of Mikey’s life and we’re grateful. She lives nearby with her parents and
we see her and the baby regularly. John and I want to help as much as we’re allowed.”

I really don’t know what to say to any of this. I think I’m in shock. I didn’t see
Kim at the funeral and I believed Luke when he said she’d been lying about the baby.
It’s so surreal to know this whole year has been filled with even more secrets than
the ones I was keeping. I want to say something to Luke but it’s not the time.

Judy senses I’m having a hard time absorbing all of this and tries to comfort me,
“This must be very hard for you. I thought you knew. Luke told me a few days ago you
didn’t. There have been so many secrets.” Her voice tapers off and I know she’s thinking
about the note.

I nod. “I think they’re all out now, right Luke?”

I want him to agree. The rape will remain buried. There’s no reason for Judy to ever
know.

Luke’s voice is almost a whisper and he can’t look at me, “Yes, Lexie.”

I have reached my limit now and I feel myself shutting down. It’s what happens when
I overload on the emotional stuff. I need to get out of here. I told them about the
note. I have nothing left to offer in Brady’s world. I look at my watch and see I’ve
been here for close to two hours. I know there will be multiple messages from Julian
on my phone too. He was worried about me coming here alone.

“Thank you for wanting to talk, Judy. I think it did us all some good to talk about
this. I truly am happy for you about Michael. I hope you can move past some of the
guilt. I know I have. There is still a long way to go but I have a great support system.”

I stand up, grab my purse from the floor, and move toward the door. My exit is abrupt
but I feel like I’m going to explode.

“Thank you. Thank you for telling me about the note. I’m so sorry you’ve had to shoulder
the guilt over Brady’s death by yourself. We could’ve leaned on each other.”

She walks me to the door and Luke is right behind her. She hugs me tightly. “Please
let me know if you ever need to talk. My door is always open.”

I know in my heart this will be the last time I see Judy Richards in any personal
context. I’ve laid all of my cards out on the table and I’m leaving this all behind
me. I tell her I’ll be in touch but we both know I won’t. I walk quickly down the
steps toward my car and hope I can get out of here before Luke catches up to me.

I see him running down the driveway toward me and although I want to pull away, I
can’t help getting the final word in with him too. I stop when I’m outside the gates
and wait for him to catch up. I figure he’s going to walk around to my side of the
window but he gets in the passenger side instead.

“Get out, Luke.” My voice is laced with venom. “You’re a big fucking liar and I don’t
want to ever see or talk to you again.”

The adrenaline is pumping now and the hurt and angry feelings are rising to the surface.
He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off.

“How the fuck could you lie to me about a baby and then have me come up here and get
ambushed like that?”

“I was trying to lessen the pain for you. I thought it would be worse if you knew.
I didn’t know Judy was going to say anything. She told me she only wanted to talk
about the day he died. I came here last week and we talked for the first time in a
really long time. She asked how you were and I told her you still felt so guilty.
I didn’t know a lot of that stuff either, Lex. I swear. I just wanted to give you
some peace. I know how much I hurt you. I wanted to try and fix it. I miss you so
much.”

“You can’t fix this, Luke. It’s so damn broken now.” The tears are coming again.

Luke is looking at me with tears in his eyes and I can see the pain he’s feeling.
There’s a tug on my heartstrings but my feelings of betrayal muscle out my feelings
of love, friendship, or sympathy.

“Are you the only one who’s allowed to keep secrets? Is that how this works? You act
like you’re completely innocent in this.” He isn’t yelling and his question actually
sounds sincere.

In return, I try and keep my sarcasm to a minimum.

“Are you really saying I think I’m innocent in all this? You’ve watched me tear myself
apart with guilt over this for a year. I’m not innocent, Luke, and I’ve never pretended
to be. But my secret, about the rape, was mine to keep if I chose. I know how hurt
you must’ve been that I never told you, but I chose not to tell anyone. Nobody knew.
I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. It wasn’t about you!”

“I was your best friend. Why couldn’t you tell me? There were so many chances over
the year.”

I look at him and shake my head. The tears are running down my cheeks. “I told Marissa
and Shannon last week, and Ellen. They’re all hurt and feel betrayed and I’m dealing
with that. I’d do things different if I had another chance but I can’t change the
past. I did the best I could.”

“And Julian? Does he know?”

“I really don’t want to talk about Julian with you but the answer to your question
is yes, he knows. He knows everything. You made sure that would happen.”

“I’d apologize, but I guess it worked out well if you’re still together. It looks
like I did you a favor.”

The anger resurfaces. “Is that why you did it? You thought if he knew he would break-up
with me? That’s beyond fucked up, Luke. FYI, Julian has been nothing but supportive
of everything I’ve told him. You have no idea who he is.”

“Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t matter anymore, I guess.”

I reach in my purse to pull out a tissue and I feel my phone vibrate. I look and see
that Julian is calling. I also see he has texted twice and left a voicemail. I answer
this call.

“Hey you, I’m just finishing. I’ll call you in about ten minutes.”

I hear him exhale on the other end of the phone. “Are you okay, baby?”

“I’m okay. I’ll call you back soon.”

“Okay. Bye”

I hang up the phone and look at Luke. His head is tilted down and he has his hands
pressed to his eyes.

“If we’re done here you can get out now. I have to go home.”

Luke leans his head back on the headrest and turns to look at me. His big, beautiful,
blue eyes are wet. This is brutal.

“I’ll get out but I have to say a couple things first, okay?”

I consider telling him no for a moment but relent. I shrug my shoulders at him and
cross my arms over my chest. “Fine.”

“I really am sorry, Lex, for so many things. I shouldn’t have lied to you about the
baby and I shouldn’t have tried to cause problems between you and Julian. Most importantly,
I never should’ve said the things I did about Brady and what happened between you
two. That was so fucked up for me to have made you talk about it with me and with
Julian.” He takes a deep breath. “But, I love you. I’m in love with you and I have
been for years, maybe since we met. I guess I thought you felt the same and were also
too afraid to mess up our friendship. There were so many mixed signals.”

He pauses and waits for me to confirm or deny my feelings for him.

“I have so many conflicting feelings toward you at the moment, Luke, that it’s hard
for me to sort it all out. But, I will tell you that prior to all this stuff that’s
happened in the last few months, I did love you. I wasn’t in love with you, but you
meant the world to me. I guess I always figured you didn’t feel that way about me,
so I didn’t really ever go there in my mind after that first night. You watched me
go in and out of relationships and never said anything. I was with your best friend
and you never said anything. Why now? Why did you do this now? That’s what I’m most
upset about.”

Luke smiles thinly at me. I see the pain in his eyes and I know the words he says
are hard to speak.

“Because I knew it was real, Lexie, what you were feeling for Julian. I know you and
I could see the change in you. I saw a change in him too. It was never real before
so I never worried. I knew things weren’t going to work out between you and Brady.
I had to fight this time. I didn’t want to lose you.”

Whoa! I didn’t expect to hear that from him.

“I think it’s way too early to be sending out wedding invitations, but yes, it’s real.
If you knew that you could’ve just supported me and been happy for me. You could’ve
been my friend. You ruined that.”

“I tried. It might not seem like it, but I did. I didn’t want this, for us to be out
of each other’s lives. But, at the end of the day I couldn’t live a lie anymore. There
were too many lies between us already. It made me crazy to see you with Julian. I
could never be around you two. You’d end up hating me more than you do now.”

I turn and look at him head on and let the tears fall. “I don’t hate you, Luke. I’m
just so hurt. I miss you horribly. I think I’ll always miss you. But, I can’t see
us being friends if I’m with Julian. And I am with Julian.”

“I understand. I fucking hate it, but I get it.”

I look at the clock. It’s three-thirty now. I told Julian I’d call him back in ten
minutes and it’s been another thirty.

“I really need to go.”

I reach over and grab his hand and squeeze it. He pulls me in for a hug and holds
me tightly. My tears flow because I know this is the last time I’ll be seeing Luke.
My heart hurts and I can’t believe our friendship has ended like this. I pull away
first and as I do he kisses me gently on the lips.

“Take care of yourself, Hooka. Be happy. You deserve it.”

I wipe the tears away with the back of my hand. “You too. You do too.”

He gets outs, turns and walks back up the driveway where his car is parked. As I pull
away, I feel a little piece of my heart break off and crumble. I get back onto the
highway before I call Julian. He answers on the first ring.

“Hey you. That was a long ten minutes, I was getting worried.”

“Sorry, we weren’t done yet. I’m on my way home and I’m okay.” I’m lying. I’m not
really okay. I’m drained.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not now, not while I’m driving. I’ll tell you about it later tonight. I’m kind of
talked out for the moment.”

I hear the disappointment in his voice.

“Okay.”

He knows me enough by now to know I shut down and he would rather I didn’t. He also
knows if he pushes it becomes worse.

“Are you going home first or coming here. I told Dario we would be there at seven-thirty.”

I really don’t want to go out to dinner tonight. I just want to go home and curl up
under the covers.

“I’m going to go home. I’ll probably run and I’ll meet you there by seven-thirty.”

Julian hears something in my voice that makes him question my plan. “You’re coming,
right?”

“I just said I was. I’d rather stay in but you want to do this so I am.” Shit, that
did not come out like I wanted to.

“I know you’re in a bad mood. I can hear it and I get it. But, I’d really like to
have a nice night with you so do you think you can leave the drama at the door for
a night? We can deal with it tomorrow.”

Seriously? My response was rude and his was ruder. He has no idea what I just had
to deal with.

“Excuse me. Is my bad mood interfering with your plans to celebrate my birthday? Something
I have no desire to do anyway.”

He backs off a little. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m looking forward
to spending the evening with you and I was hoping you were feeling the same.”

There’s no need for the guilt trip here.

“Julian, we spend most nights together and I didn’t say I didn’t want to see you.
I just said I’m not thrilled about celebrating my birthday, or anything. I’d rather
stay in.”

“I’ll see you at seven-thirty. It’ll be a nice night, I promise.”

Something about the way he says it makes me think he’s planning something.

“Julian, did you plan something other than dinner?”

“No. I’ll see you later.”

We say our goodbyes and I can’t help but think he’s lying. I made it clear I didn’t
want to make a big deal out of my birthday and I hope he didn’t.

Chapter Fourteen

I get home close to five-fifteen because I needed to stop for gas and hit some road
construction traffic on I-95. I’m disappointed nobody’s home. I was hoping one of
my roommates would be. I wouldn’t mind talking about what happened with Luke with
them before I share it with Julian. It’ll help me be less emotional. I send a text
to both of them to see what’s up and find out they’re together.

Alexa:
Where are you two?
Marissa:
Out with Shannon and Cory. Dinner and movie. You ok?
Shannon:
How’d it go?
Alexa:
Shitty. Learned a lot. Luke was there.
Marissa:
WTH?
Shannon:
Why?
Alexa:
Long story. Tell you tomorrow. Going for a run and then dinner with Julian.
Marissa:
You sure you’re ok?
Alexa:
Yep. Bad mood. Don’t want to go out.
Shannon:
GO
Marissa:
yes, GO
Alexa:
ttyl

I change into shorts and a tank and head out for a run. It feels good. I think about
my day and the running helps clear my head. I needed this. Before I know it, I’ve
run close to five miles. I look down at my watch and see it’s already six forty-five.
Shit. I’m going to be late. I still need to shower, get ready, and get down to South
Beach in forty-five minutes. It’s not happening. I text Julian so he knows I’m going
to be late. We’re just eating at Ursa’s so I don’t expect it’ll be a big deal.

Alexa:
Running late. Lost track of time on my run. Getting in shower now.
Julian:
En serio? You lost track of time?
Alexa:
You can be mad at me later. I need to get ready. Be there by 8.

He doesn’t respond and I try and push it out of my mind. We’ve made some great steps
in the right direction these past two weeks, but we got into that little argument
yesterday and I don’t have it in me to fight with him today. I wish he’d understand
a night in with him would be preferable over a night out. He just doesn’t get it so
here I am forcing myself to go out. It’s progress though. A few weeks ago I wouldn’t
have gone. I would’ve crawled under the covers and felt sorry for myself. I still
want to do that, but I’m not going to.

While the water is warming up, I assess my hair to see if I can get by without washing
it. I ran with it in a ponytail and if I keep it in one I think I can make it work.
I love dry shampoo. I take a super-fast shower and start tearing apart my closet looking
for something to wear. I’m really not in the mood to wear something sexy or dressy.
I’d love to put on jeans and call it a day but we’re going to be at the hotel, people
will see us, and I know Julian will look nice. That’s the problem with dating someone
like Julian. He always looks good, in style, and appropriate. He also always attracts
attention. It’s especially annoying at times like this when I just don’t care.

I finally decide on a pair of dark, ankle length, cropped skinny jeans and a sleeveless,
black fitted faux-leather top with a laser cut design. Julian hasn’t seen me in it
and I know he will like it because it also accentuates my boobs. I slip my feet in
a pair of Jerome Rousseau, black and white, giraffe-print peep-toe pumps with flirty
cutout sides. I add some silver bangles, my favorite silver hooped earrings, and fix
my hair into a messy, boufannt-ish ponytail that hides the fact I didn’t wash it.
I do my best to hide my swollen eyes. It’s hard because I’ve been in tears all day.
I do a quick once over in the full-length mirror in my closet, decide this is as good
as it’s going to get, and walk out the door by seven-thirty. I got ready in record
time. I send Julian a quick text when I get in the car.

Alexa:
On way. See you in 20

I don’t get a text back and assume he’s busy working. I pull into the hotel parking
lot at five after eight and park next to Julian’s Jag. Free and great parking is definitely
a perk of being the owner’s girlfriend. As I make my way to Ursa’s, I see a few people
Julian has introduced me to and they all make a point of smiling and saying hi, everyone
except Candace that is. She scowls at me and turns away. Whatever. I’m not going to
let her ruin what exists of my decent mood, which isn’t much.

I don’t feel comfortable walking into the back by myself, where I assume we’ll be
eating, so I walk through the front entrance instead. I see Marissa, Shannon, Cory,
Lauren, and Jenna immediately. They’re sitting at a table near the back, clearly trying
to surprise me. My heart sinks. I really didn’t want to have a birthday party and
I made it clear to all of them, especially Julian. It doesn’t even make a difference
these are my nearest and dearest. I’m not in the party mood. I take a deep breath
and try to fake a smile as I walk over. I won’t fool any of them anyway so I’m not
sure why I bother. I don’t see Julian and wonder where he is. Marissa sees me first
and gets up to come greet me. She doesn’t look happy and I see the worry in her eyes.
What the hell is going on?

“Lexie, don’t be mad. We all really wanted to celebrate your birthday this year. We
wanted to start it off right because last year sucked so badly for you.”

I give her a hug. “It’s okay, Marissa. I get it. I just didn’t want to do this tonight.
It’s been a shitty day.”

I look around the restaurant again. “Where’s Julian, anyway?”

Marissa looks down and when she looks back up I can tell she’s about to tell me something
really bad.

“I’m not sure he’s going to be joining us.”

I’m really confused. “Um, why would you think that? He planned this, didn’t he?”

“Lex, you’re not going to be happy with me but I kind of said something I think really
pissed him off. He didn’t say anything but he left about twenty minutes ago and hasn’t
come back. We’ve been sitting here not really sure what to do.”

My heart starts to race. “What did you say, Mari?”

“He asked me if I talked to you and if you were okay with what happened today. I told
him it stressed you out to have to deal with Luke.”

“Fuck, Marissa! I didn’t even have a chance to tell him I saw Luke. I’m sure he’s
more than pissed!”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you hadn’t told him.”

I shake my head. Great. I walk over to the table.

“I’m going to go find Julian. You should stay. I’ll be back soon … I hope.” I start
to walk away and then turn around and face my friends.

“Thank you for coming. I love you all.”

I have no idea where Julian is. He didn’t answer my text earlier and now I know why.
I don’t bother texting again. I walk over to the front desk and ask the girl working
if she knows where Mr. Bauer is. Candace is standing close by and answers for her,
“He’s in his office, Alexis, but he’s very busy. I can tell him you came by.”

“Candace, you can keep acting like you don’t know my name or who I am, but it doesn’t
change the fact I’m Julian’s girlfriend. Deal with it.”

I flash a big, fake smile and walk past on my way down the hall to his office. The
door is open slightly and I peek in. Julian’s sitting in his chair at his desk but
the chair is turned the opposite way facing the windows that look outside. I walk
in and shut the door behind me. The chair doesn’t turn.

“Hey you,” I say as I walk up next to him. His head is back against the chair and
his eyes are closed. If I didn’t know better I’d think he was asleep or meditating.
He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. Wow, he’s pissed. His look almost stops
me but I really don’t want to fight. I bend down to kiss him and he turns his face
away from me. He’s never done that before and it throws me for a loop. I decide, on
the fly, I’m going to pretend I don’t know what he’s mad about.

“You’re this mad because I’m a little late? Sorry. I saw everyone at Ursa’s and nobody
else is mad.”

“Maybe your friends already know how inconsiderate you are and they expect it from
you. But you being late is the last thing I’m pissed about, Alexa.”

Oh, he’s mad alright. And that was just plain rude. I let it slide. “Care to share,
Julian?”

I move so I’m right in front of him and lean against the window sill. Julian looks
me up and down and I catch a flash of desire in his eyes. He thinks I look good. He
does too. He’s wearing a pair of black slacks and a white, long-sleeve polo with the
sleeves rolled up.

“Want to tell me about your day now, or still not in the mood? I mean you must be
tired of talking about it with Marissa and Shannon, and with Luke.”

He looks at me challengingly, like he’s waiting to catch me in a lie. Damn. I was
going to tell him everything. I just didn’t want to do it over the phone.

“You obviously had a little chat with Marissa or Shannon. So, I’m surprised they didn’t
tell you I haven’t really talked to them either. I sent them a text. I can show it
to you.”

I reach into my purse and Julian shakes his head.

“As far as Luke goes, I didn’t have to talk to him about my day at all. He was there
and witnessed the whole thing. I had no idea he was going to be there either. I had
every intention of telling you all about my incredibly shitty day when we saw each
other tonight. I didn’t want to start crying in the car and get into an accident.
So, sorry if my disclosure wasn’t in your time frame.”

Julian purses his lips and it looks like he stops himself from saying something. He
pauses for a moment and then speaks. His tone is cold and calculated.

“First of all, nothing in this entire relationship has happened on my time frame,
so don’t give me that bullshit. Everything you do or don’t do, or say or don’t say
is when you fucking want to. I just have to sit around and wait until you decide I’m
worthy of knowing it, right? We talked about this yesterday, about you not telling
me things. I told you it wasn’t working for me.”

I match my tone to his. “So much for being understanding, huh, Julian. But, newsflash,
you don’t have to sit around and wait for shit. Nobody is forcing you to stay.”

He shakes his head at me. “You just don’t get it, do you? He’s gone, but he really
isn’t. He’s still sharing these personal moments with you. He’s comforting you. You
want me to believe you didn’t know he’d be there, but I don’t. It’s why you didn’t
tell me in the first place. I’m fucking over it! If you want to be with Luke then
be with him. I don’t want to deal with this fucking drama anymore. We can’t go for
more than a week without some stupid bullshit coming up and it always comes back to
Luke. Maybe you two are meant to be together. I’m fucking sick of working so hard
for something that isn’t getting me a good return. I have women throwing themselves
at me every day, and I just keep chasing after you. It’s a joke. This is a joke!”

I stand there for a minute and try to catch my breath. I feel like he just punched
me in the stomach. I can’t believe what he’s saying.

“You’re over it? Over me? That’s ironic because you were the one who fucking begged
me to stay. I wanted out so you wouldn’t have to deal with all my drama and you wouldn’t
leave.”

Great, here come the tears again. I’m a hot mess today. Julian continues to look at
me with ice in his eyes.

“I was ambushed today! I had no idea he’d be there. You can believe it or not, but
it’s the damn truth! But, you know what? I’m glad he was there. I got to tell him
how great things were between you and me. I got to clear the air and get closure so
I could really move on. I got to hear how he’d been lying to me for a year about how
Brady had a baby with that girl he was with that last night. A baby, Julian. I got
to tell him there’s no way he and I could ever have a relationship of any kind because
I chose you. I said goodbye to him forever.”

Julian just keeps looking at me, like he’s waiting for me to say something that makes
him feel better.

I’m so hurt that my words are coming out in tear-infused bursts.

“You knew this weekend was going to be hard for me and you don’t even care. You planned
a party after I told you repeatedly not to. So, sorry you wasted the effort. I’m not
celebrating tonight. Consider yourself off the hook for having to deal with my drama,
Julian. Feel free to go find another woman who gives you everything you need and is
a better return on your investment!” I point back and forth between us. “This, this
joke, is over!”

I can’t deal with anything else today. I’ve been trying so hard to hold onto my composure
all day and I can’t anymore. I move to get by him and he grabs my hand. I don’t even
look at him and yank it away.

“I’ll let my friends know.”

As I walk toward the door, Julian moves stealthily around me and gets in front of
me.

“We aren’t done talking. You always act like I have no reason to be upset about anything.
Like you can do whatever you want and it’s okay. You don’t always get to have the
last word and walk away. You need to grow up and think about someone else’s feelings
for a change.”

“Move, Julian, I’m done talking. You said what you needed to say and so did I.”

I’m so mad and so hurt that it really doesn’t register I’m breaking up with him. I
just want to run.

He stands in front of the door and doesn’t move. His arms are crossed and his expression
is steely.

“We aren’t done talking. Turn around and go sit down.”

My voice is laced with venom and comes out in a hiss.

“Are you going to physically make me do something I don’t want to? You know I can’t
move you.”

He understands the inference in my comment and looks stunned. It’s a low blow but
I want to leave. He looks at me with shock in his eyes and steps to the side. I open
the door and walk away. I don’t look back.

I walk as fast as I can to my car. I keep my head down because I don’t want anyone
to see my tear-streaked face. Thankfully, Candace is nowhere to be seen. I feel bad
that my friends are in the restaurant waiting but there’s no way I’m going back there.
I get into my car and text Marissa.