Hold On (16 page)

“When Luke and I pulled away he wanted to know what happened. He could see on my face
I wasn’t okay. I told him everything, except the rape part. I told him about the other
girls, about him hitting me, about him lying and using. I told him we were up all
night and I was exhausted. I told him I was hung-over, which wasn’t true at all because
I’d only had one drink. I gave him enough so he believed me. I convinced him I was
okay and that I wanted to forget the whole night and never talk about it again. He
didn’t ever ask about it again.”

As I look around the room, I realize I did the same to all the people in this room
too.

“Brady started calling and texting immediately and this time I did turn my phone off.
Luke took me straight to our house and I took a shower and tried to pretend nothing
happened. And I’ve been trying to pretend every day since.”

The tears keep coming and I’m really shaking now. I’m scared to look up. Marissa gets
off of her chair and comes to me. She wraps her arms around me and hugs me tightly.

“I’m so sorry, Lexie. I’m so sorry you went through this alone.”

She has tears running down her face and when I look around I see Shannon does too.
Marissa sits on the floor next to me and takes my hand. I look at Ellen and for the
first time ever, her composure is cracked. She has tears in her eyes and she looks
stunned. I can’t even look at Julian.

“Unfortunately there’s more. You all know Brady tried to get ahold of me non-stop
for two weeks, right? I told you he kept leaving me messages and sending me texts.
Well he kept telling me he would die if I didn’t forgive him. He used those exact
words: he would die.”

I’m sobbing now and the words are harder and harder to get out. “And he did die. He
died and when I found him, there was a note next to him that said, Forgive me. That’s
all. Forgive me. He told me he would die unless I forgave him and I didn’t. It might
not be all my fault, but I could’ve stopped it. I’m so sorry. I didn’t forgive him
and he died.”

We all sit there for at least five minutes with nobody saying anything. I did this
here so Ellen could help us through it, but even she’s silent. I’m trying to stop
crying. Marissa is still holding my hand, and I have yet to look at Julian. I can’t.
It wasn’t easy to tell him all of this the first time and I did it without details
then. Now he knows the whole story and I’m scared to look at him.

Ellen finally speaks. “Lexie, I know I can speak for everyone in this room when I
say we understand how hard that was for you to do what you just did. It’s obvious
everyone is having feelings about this and I’m not sure you’re in a place where you
can hear what we all have to say. Do you agree?”

I think about what she’s asking before I reply. “If anybody has anything to say, I’d
rather hear it now. I want to move past this. I don’t want to keep talking about it.
I never wanted to talk about it.”

I look up at Marissa and shrug. I’ll let her go first.

She wipes a tear from her eye. “If I wasn’t so heartbroken right now I’d be mad at
you. Why didn’t you tell me? I thought we shared everything. I feel so bad for not
knowing. I know you. You’ve been my best friend for ten years. We live together. You
haven’t been you and I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.”

I squeeze her hand. “This isn’t your fault, Mari. You don’t have anything to feel
bad about.”

I turn to Shannon so she can talk.

“I feel exactly the same way Mari does. But I don’t want to make this about how I
feel. I want to know what I can do to help you through this?”

“You just need to keep doing what you’ve been doing. You’re amazing friends and I
love you. I kept this from you. I tried to deal with this myself. I thought I was
doing a good job too.”

The comment about dealing with it myself makes me look at Ellen. She has thought she
was helping me deal with things. She starts to speak before I can say anything.

“You and I will talk next week and figure out how we move on from here. I know you
hate when I get shrinky on you so I’ll spare you that right now. But be prepared.”

She smiles and I know she’ll be okay with this eventually. I’m sure she feels betrayed,
and I don’t blame her.

I take a deep breath and look at Julian for the first time since I shared all of the
details. The look in his eyes takes my breath away. He’s angry. Like, kick someone’s
ass angry. I’m not sure I want to hear what he has to say but it’s only fair.

“Julian?”

“I’m fine. I knew all of this, remember?”

I shake my head. “No you didn’t. You didn’t know any details and you’re not fine.
I’d rather you say what you need to say here.”

“We can talk about this later tonight.”

I know Julian doesn’t want to lose his cool in front of my friends, but I meant it
when I said I wanted to be done with this.

“I was serious. Say what you need to say now or forever hold your peace. I’m not going
to keep doing this with you.” I reach to grab his hand and he pulls it away this time.
I feel a shot of pain through my heart. He’s rejecting me.

I’m unable to keep what little composure I have left and I don’t care that we aren’t
alone.

“God damn it, Julian. If you don’t want to be with me anymore, just fucking say so.
I’m so over worrying about it.”

He turns so he’s facing me and he looks even madder if it’s possible. His voice is
raised to just below a yell.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Alexa? You’re still questioning if I want to be with
you?” He throws his hands in the air. “How is that even possible?”

He’s shaking and I realize his desire to not talk about this right now was his way
of remaining calm. He isn’t calm anymore.

“You want to know how I feel? You won’t like what I have to say, but here it goes.
It’s a good thing Brady’s dead because if he wasn’t I’d fucking kill him. How’s that
for an answer? I’m so mad I can’t see straight. And Luke, what the fuck was he thinking
leaving you there? He doesn’t love you. He would’ve never left you in such a bad situation.
You can blame yourself all you want but there’s plenty to go around.”

He stops short of accusing the others of anything specifically, but when he looks
around the room at Marissa, Ellen and Shannon, I know he blames them for not helping
me through this.

“I’ve known Lexie for less than two months and it was obvious to me the first night
we were together something really traumatic happened to her. I didn’t know her and
I knew. I’m not sure how you all missed it.”

“You’re not being fair. This isn’t their fault. I hid it from everyone.” I’m not okay
with him attacking my friends and Ellen.

“Not from me. You didn’t hide it from me.”

I shrug my shoulders again. “But I tried.”

Marissa has moved back into her chair and Julian has moved closer to me. He takes
my hand.

“Lexie, you already know how I feel. I hurt for you.”

Ellen speaks up. “All of these feelings: anger, sadness, guilt; they’re all normal
reactions. We all really care about you, and it hurts to know you chose to try and
deal with this yourself. Blaming each other or ourselves isn’t going to help though.”

Julian looks around the room. He obviously feels bad for his outburst.

“I’m sorry. I love her too.”

Marissa smiles at Julian and I’m so thankful she gets it. I look at Shannon and she
offers a small smile too. Everyone looks raw and emotional. I think we’re all talked
out for now.

I glance at the clock for the first time and see we’ve been in here for almost two
hours. Ellen notices the time too.

“So I will see you next week, right, Lexie?”

I nod as I get up off the couch. Julian is reluctant to let go of my hand but he does.
Everyone stands up and they each hug me. We walk outside together and Marissa and
Shannon head home together. Julian wraps his arms around me and pulls me close. We’re
leaning against his car. Neither one of us says anything about what just happened.

“I’ll go get something to eat and bring it over.”

I knew this was coming. What I want, what I need, is to be alone tonight and I know
Julian isn’t going to take it well.

“Julian, I’m going to go home, alone.” I say the last part in a whisper.

Julian pulls back and looks at me. “Why?”

“Because I need to process all of this and it’s hard to do when I’m worrying about
your feelings.”

“Please don’t worry about my feelings, I’m fine. I just got pissed.”

“I know. I’m not worried like that. You need to process all of this too.”

“What I need is to be with you.”

I hear it and I see it in his eyes. He’s scared I’m pulling away. I can’t blame him.
I’ve given him very little reason to believe I’m going to stay. I kiss him gently.

“Julian, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not pulling away or shutting you out. I just
don’t have anything left to give tonight. I need to be alone and feel all of this.
Please try and understand.”

Julian looks down at me and I see the skepticism in his eyes.

“I promise. I’m holding on.”

I know he doesn’t want to let me go but he reluctantly does.

I squeeze him tightly and kiss him softly on the lips again. “Thank you. I’ll talk
to you tomorrow.”

“I’m here for you. Whenever and however.”

“I know that. I don’t know much else right now, but I do know that. You’ve no idea
how much it means to me.”

He’s silent as he walks me to my car, and despite my reassurances, I can see he isn’t
happy I’m leaving without him.

“I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

Julian nods his head slightly and kisses me on the forehead then turns and walks away.
He doesn’t see the tears start to fall again and I don’t see the sadness in his eyes
either.

I’m not sure what to expect when I get home. Marissa and Shannon may act differently
when we’re alone. I’ve cried the whole way home from Ellen’s office and I don’t feel
like I’m going to stop anytime soon. I can’t stop thinking about the words they all
said to me. They’re all hurt. Hurt, not mad. I know about that. I’m glad I did what
I did as far as getting them all together and telling them the truth. It was painful,
but it was good. I can’t stop thinking about Luke though. He should’ve been there
today. He was so much a part of what happened. I know he’s hurting too, and the closer
we get to the actual anniversary of Brady’s death, the harder it’ll be on both of
us. I have an open wound as far as our relationship goes and deep down I know that
I’ll need to heal that too. I just don’t see how I’ll be able to make that happen.
There isn’t a place in my life for both Julian and Luke.

Marissa and Shannon are sitting in the living room when I walk in. Shannon is first
to speak.

“It’s hard to know what to say. We aren’t sure what you need from us.”

“I just need you to keep being such amazing friends. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.
I didn’t want it to be true and I thought if I pretended it didn’t happen, it would
go away. I know it was wrong and clearly it didn’t work, but the longer I went without
telling you, the harder it became to say anything.”

“Julian knew before we did, didn’t he?”

I can tell this is a very sensitive point for Marissa so I try and help her understand.

“I tried so hard to hide it from him. He was the last person I wanted to know. But
we’re together and he sees me. Like sees everything.” I go on and tell them everything
that happened the night Julian found out. I tell them all about Luke and how he set
me up. They’re pissed at Luke, and tell me so, but are glad he did it in the end.

“So now you know everything. Really. And I just want to move on from this. I need
to move on.”

“Julian meant what he said. He loves you. How do you feel about that?” Shannon is
very good at reading people.

“I believe it, most of the time anyway. I love him too. I just haven’t told him yet.”

We talk for about it for fifteen more minutes and they finally see I need to stop
talking. I’m worn out. They offer to get dinner but I really just want to take a shower
and be alone. I hug both of them, apologize again, and go to my room.

The warm water feels great and I stay in the shower until it starts to turn cold and
the skin on my hands looks like a prune. The tears are coming intermittently and instead
of holding them in, I let them fall. As bad as this feels and as much as it hurts,
I know I need to feel it all. It’s better than not feeling at all. I do know when
I shut down, things can get really bad very quickly.

By the time I get into bed it’s almost eleven. I check my phone and see there isn’t
anything from Julian. I think about all of the things said today, and I know he’s
probably hurting too. I know if I call him I’ll start crying again, so I do what I’ve
done since the beginning, I send him song lyrics. I’m not sure if he’ll be checking
his email tonight so I text him the lyrics to Broken by Lifehouse instead. They say
it perfectly.

Alexa:
Please listen to this – Broken by Lifehouse. It says it all for me.

In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
I’m barely holdin’ on to you

He responds after about five minutes. I wonder if he listened to the song.

Julian:
Don’t let go baby. I’ve got you.
Alexa:
Goodnight Julian. And thank you
Julian:
For what?
Alexa:
For everything…for everything.
Julian:
Te amo, Lexie.

Chapter Eleven

I don’t have the best night’s sleep and when I wake up and look in the mirror, I know
I’m going to need to bring out the heavy artillery. It’s obvious I’ve been crying.
Knowing I have to see Serena makes it worse. She has no tact or filter where I’m concerned
and I’m sure she’ll say something about how I look. I hate that I even care, but I
do. I always look good when I go to work but now I feel like I’m going to be judged.
Ugh.

Today feels like a day for pants so I put on a pair of gray trousers, a red silk blouse,
and a pair of red to black ombre, Vince Camuto Signature pumps. I put my hair into
a side braid and put on way too much makeup. I look a little better but it’s still
obvious I’ve been crying.

Marissa and Shannon have both left for work; I’m glad. I don’t want to deal with them
worrying about me today. Julian calls me while I’m on the way to work.

“Hey you.”

“Hey, Julian. How are you?”

“Me? I’m okay. How are you?”

“Tired and a little sad but I’ll be okay. Please don’t worry.” I really, really, really
want things to be normal.

I hear him exhale. “Okay. I’ll try not to worry about you, but no promises. What are
your plans tonight? Can I see you?”

This is Julian trying to do what I asked and give me space. “I don’t have plans. I
want to run tonight, that’s all I know. Yes, you can see me. Can you come to my house?”

“Sí. I’ll see you tonight. I’ll bring dinner from Ursa’s.”

“Thanks, Julian. Have a good day.”

“You too, Lexie.”

There’s such an underlying sense of tension in our interactions. He doesn’t know how
to act and neither do I. This has been such an emotional week for both of us. I’m
so ready to move past the drama and be a normal couple, whatever that is. I wonder
if it’s ever really going to happen.

I spend the day moving into my office. I do what I can to make the place feel like
my own. I make a mental note to get the picture of Julian and I at the beach printed
out because I’d like to have a picture here.

Everyone’s excited to be moving into the building which helps create a good mood around
the office. Even Serena is playing nice and refraining from making shitty comments
to me. She actually even asked if I’d like her to bring me something back from lunch.
I politely decline. I’m not entirely convinced she wouldn’t try to poison me.

I get to my house a little after six and see Julian is already there. Shannon’s car
is in the driveway and I figure she must’ve let him in. I find the two of them in
the living room, talking quietly. They stop when I walk in. I’m sure they’re talking
about what happened yesterday and because I don’t want to join the conversation I
keep my mouth shut. I walk over to Julian, bend down, and give him a kiss on the cheek.
I’m going for normal tonight. We all talk for a few minutes and Julian reminds Shannon
there’s food in the kitchen from Ursa’s. She tells me Marissa is at her parents as
she walks in the kitchen to make a plate.

When she’s gone, Julian focuses on me.

“Do you want to run?”

He’s still dressed in work clothes but I notice his gym bag next to the couch.

“I do. Are you coming with me?”

“I was planning on it. You know, it’s really not a great idea for you to run so far
by yourself, especially at night.”

I take a deep breath and tell myself he’s just saying this out of concern for my safety.

“Julian, I’ve been running around here for over a year. I’m always safe and I don’t
run when it’s dark unless Marissa is with me. Please don’t start getting all protective
like that. I do know how to take care of myself.”

In light of last’s night conversation about my decision-making skills, I’m not sure
Julian agrees, but he doesn’t say anything else about it. He literally bites his lip,
shrugs, and walks to my room. We both change into running clothes and because there’s
zero flirting going on, I know he’s still processing what I told him last night. When
I initially told him about the rape he didn’t even attempt to touch me for a week,
and if I wouldn’t have initiated something, it could’ve gone on for longer. I have
a feeling he might act the same way again. I’m not feeling very sexy or relaxed at
the moment and not messing around is fine with me.

We run six miles in relative silence. I look at him a few times and see he’s lost
in his own little world too. I hate that there feels like so much distance between
us, but I’m not sure how to bridge it when we really aren’t fighting. It’s hard to
fix what you don’t know is broken.

We both shower when we get back to my place and sit down in the kitchen to eat. My
mood elevates when I see the food he brought back. I truly love the food from Ursa’s
and the Spanish-style tortilla is my favorite. Julian brought two, which means I can
eat one all myself. We talk about his day and I tell him about my new office and about
Diego, the guy who’s coming to work for us. A dark cloud passes over his face when
I mention Diego. “Do you know him?”

“We’ve met a few times. Same industry.”

“And you didn’t like him?” I don’t need to hear his reply to know the answer is no.

“Not particularly. He’s got a reputation for being pretty cut-throat when it comes
to business dealings and I know a few people who haven’t had a great experience with
him.”

I’m surprised Julian knows him and I’m surprised my company would hire someone who
has a reputation for being unethical. I don’t get into it with Julian because he’s
our biggest competition and he might be a little biased.

After dinner, Julian asks me if we can go to my room and talk. It makes me kind of
nervous. It also makes me feel like a teenager who is hiding from her parents. I admit
to myself things are easier when we’re at his place and have no one else around. I
don’t tell Julian what I’m thinking because it’ll only serve as ammunition about why
I should be there and not here.

Julian sits down on my bed and pats it so I sit next to him. I look right at him and
try to gauge what’s about to happen.

“I know yesterday was hard for you, baby. It was hard for me too. I hate that you’re
still hurting so bad and when I really thought about how you just shut it out, shut
everyone out, it made me think about how I felt after Isabelle died. I did a lot of
thinking last night and came to some realizations that I pretty much did the same
things you did. I went through a lot of the same things. I didn’t handle it very well
either and my choice to keep it all in kept me from getting close to anyone until
you. I want you to know I understand. I really understand how hard it is to rely on
people and to be open. I want you to know you can count on me.”

He reaches down, gets a piece of paper out of his wallet and hands it to me. “Please
read this; I’ve never shown it to anyone before. I haven’t even looked at it in years,
but I think it’ll help you see I understand some of the pain you feel. I know I told
you some of this already, but I think this will make you know why I’ve stayed and
why I’ve fought for you.”

I unfold the paper and notice the faded ink. After reading the first few words I see
it was written close to ten years ago. It’s written in Julian’s handwriting on a simple
piece of lined paper.

Julian Bauer – Age 21 (written so I won’t forget)

It’s been two months since we buried Isabelle. Two months since a beautiful light
left this world a darker place.

I didn’t think I’d feel even close to okay by now, but I thought I’d feel a little
better. I don’t. The ache that consumes my body is constant and the sadness that’s
clawing at my heart hasn’t lessened its grip in the slightest. If I hear one more
person say she’s in a better place I’ll fucking scream. I want her here with me, with
us. I know I’m being selfish. She was so sick and in so much pain. It killed me to
see her suffer. When she was alive I could only focus on her suffering. Now I’m forced
to look around and see the complete destruction that was left behind after she died.

My dad has completely disappeared. He’s a shell of who he used to be. When he does
come around he’s always wasted. He cries all the time. He isn’t showing up to work
and things are falling apart there. They keep calling me. As if I am capable of making
the decisions that need to be made. My dad needs to fucking get a grip. I need him
to be the man of the family and of the company. I need him to be strong. I need him
to be my dad again.

My mom can barely get out of bed. She’s stuck in a deep depression she can’t get out
of. She’s completely checked out. I’ve basically moved back home to take care of Danny.
He should get to enjoy his senior year as much as possible and he’s too young to handle
this on his own. He’ll be graduating in two months. I’ll be graduating in two months.
Isabelle has been dead for two months. I worry about Danny. He’s trying to hold it
together but I know him and he’s not okay. None of us are. But for some reason he
and I are the only ones functioning. We’re taking care of our parents instead of the
other way around. My aunts are focused on my mom too. They make sure there’s food
in the house but other than that we’re on our own. It’s like nobody has anything to
give to anyone else. I’m trying to be there for Danny but right now I’m having a hard
time taking care of myself.

Alejandra came to the house today for the first time in a month. It didn’t go well.
She only stayed long enough to criticize how I’m handling my life. She hates that
I’m living at home. She complains that I’m spending so much time with Danny and not
enough with her. When I try and talk to her about how I’m feeling she shuts me down.
She needs me to be the same strong, confident man she agreed to marry. I’m not that
man right now and she doesn’t like it. I don’t like it either but give me a fucking
break. It’s not like things are normal around here. When she caught me crying a few
weeks ago she looked disgusted. I know the look. It’s the one I get when things aren’t
perfect, or perfect in her opinion. She keeps hounding me about what scouts I’ve heard
from and what’s going on with the draft. The coaches have been supportive but I can
see they’re questioning my commitment now. I can’t blame them. It was such a priority
and now it feels like a chore.

Mateo has been acting distant. He was right by my side the whole time Isabelle was
sick and for the first month after she died. Then he started to disappear too. He’s
been avoiding my calls. We’ve been best friends since we were eight and we’ve never
gone a week without talking. It’s been eight days since I’ve have heard from him and
I’m not going to call him. Fuck it. I know he’s torn up about Isabelle because she
was like a sister to him, but I never thought I wouldn’t be able to count on him.
I have no clue what the fuck is up with him.

I’m lonely. I’m around people all day long at school and at home. But I’m alone. The
people I need are gone. Isabelle is gone and when she died, the family I knew died.
It looks like my relationship with my fiancé is dying. It looks like I’m losing my
best friend too. I’d never do this to anybody I love. I’ve been there for all of these
people and now they’re all leaving me.

The nightmares are coming every night now. The panic attacks are coming pretty regularly
too. I’m exhausted. All I want to do is sleep. I haven’t worked out in weeks. I worry
I’m slipping into a depression too and I can’t let it happen. I can’t. Danny needs
me. I have nobody to talk to and nobody seems to want to listen anyway. I’m dealing
the best way I can but it would help if someone understood what I’m going through.

Fuck. I’m twenty-one and I’m supposed to be a man. I thought I was a man. I’m a man.
I need my mom. I need my dad. I need the woman who said she’d always be there for
me when I asked her to be my wife. I need someone to help me mourn my sister and make
it through this. It’s fucking swallowing me whole. All these people are supposed to
be there for me and not one of them is. Everywhere I turn someone is leaving. Nobody
will stay.

I barely see the last words through my tears. I turn and look at him and he wipes
my cheeks.

“Don’t cry for me. It was a long time ago and I’m okay now. I want you to really know
that I get it. I don’t need you to be perfect and I don’t need you to always be strong.
I just need you to believe in what we have and trust me that I’m going to be here
for you through this.”

I wrap my arms around him and pull him down on the bed with me. I scoot up so we’re
actually on the whole bed and I let him wrap me in his hug and take care of me as
the tears I’ve been holding back start to fall. We lie in each other’s arms and I
process what he shared with me. After a while I pull back from him and run my hand
over his cheek. I flinch a little when I see the faint remnant of the scratch and
bruise I left behind a few days ago.

“Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it’s a big deal for you, to share yourself
like that. I guess I really didn’t get it. I didn’t think you truly understood anything
about what I’ve been dealing with.”

“Our stories aren’t exactly the same, and I don’t know what it’s like to go through
some of the stuff you have, but I know what it’s like to feel lost and alone … and
broken. I can’t change the way you feel about yourself inside, but I can try and help
make you see what a strong, beautiful person you are and I can make sure you know
you aren’t alone.”

I kiss him softly on the lips and then pull back so I’m looking at him directly in
the eyes. I ask a very simple, but very serious question.

“Why, Julian? Why would you want to?”

He pauses for a few moments and my stomach sinks as I think he doesn’t know how to
answer. I’m about to tell him never mind when he responds with the simple words, “Because
I can’t imagine not having you in my life. I’ve tried, and I can’t.”

I exhale and smile. “I feel the same Julian. I feel the same. And Julian, you aren’t
alone anymore either.”