Hold On (20 page)

Alexa:
I just left. Broke up with Julian. Sorry
.
Marissa:
WTF. Where are you?
Alexa:
In car. Going home
Marissa:
This is crazy. Stop. I’m coming to you.

I back out and drive up a few stories so it looks like I left. I don’t want to see
Julian if he decides to look for me. I text Marissa again to let her know where I
am. Ten minutes later I see Marissa, Jenna, and Lauren walking toward me. They open
my doors and get in the car.

Jenna explains where the others are, “Shannon and Cory are paying the bill. Julian
came in and tried to take care of it. He kept asking where you were.”

Lauren chimes in, “Julian looked so upset, Lex. What happened?”

I tell them exactly what happened. I can tell Marissa feels awful for saying anything.
I assure her this isn’t her fault. When I’m done, they’re all looking at me with confusion
on their faces.

“What part do you all not get? He was wrong. I didn’t do anything this time. I didn’t
know Luke would be there and I wasn’t hiding anything. So, fuck it! I’m not dealing
with this anymore. I never do anything right. I just want to be left alone with my
craziness. And you can all stop looking at me like you’re surprised. It was only a
matter of time!”

“This is stupid. You guys aren’t breaking up. He over-reacted and so did you. Go talk
to him.”

“Thanks, Mari, but no. I didn’t over-react and I don’t want to talk to him. You really
think I should I go listen to him tell me how he can get any girl he wants and how
I’m not a good investment. Fuck that! What I want to do is go somewhere else and have
a few drinks and forget about this shitty day that has turned out even worse than
I ever imagined. Are you guys in or out?”

They look at each other and know this isn’t up for discussion anymore. At the moment
I’m pissed and hurt and being stubborn. The broken heart will come later and they
know it. But, they’re good friends who wanted to celebrate my birthday with me so
they agree to go out. Jenna texts Shannon and Cory who say they will meet up with
us soon. We agree to go to a club called Reign a few blocks over on Washington Avenue.
We already have parking at the hotel so we leave my car there and walk. Marissa promises
she’ll drive home, which is her way of giving me the green light to party. I accept
and for the next few hours I do just that.

On the outside I might be able to convince an onlooker I’m okay. I’m dancing and drinking,
smiling and laughing. Inside I’m completely devastated and I keep drinking to push
away the sadness and pain that followed me home from West Palm earlier today. Of course
I can’t stop thinking about Julian. I really just want to go back to him and start
tonight all over again. I want to be in his arms. But, my pride won’t let me. He showed
me today he still thinks about walking away and I’ll be damned if I’m going to watch
that happen. I know my life has sucked and been full of drama. I didn’t need him to
point it out. I live it. That’s why I’ve been alone. I didn’t want to drag anyone
else through it.

I am definitely having a party tonight; a pity party. Around midnight, Marissa says,
“Let’s go. You’re hammered and going to feel like shit in the morning.”

She’s right. I’m definitely drunk.

“I’m going to feel like shit no matter what tomorrow. I’ll be hung-over, Julian is
gone, and so are Luke and Brady.”

The magnitude of the loss I feel at that moment overwhelms me and I have to take a
few deep breaths to keep the tears at bay.

I’m drunk but logical as usual. I know I should go home so I don’t argue and we all
head out the door. Shannon and Cory parked nearby and agree to take Jenna and Lauren
home. Marissa stays with me and we walk back to the hotel. It hurts more and more
as I get closer. It’s as if my body and heart know that this isn’t my place anymore.
My head is spinning and my feet are killing me by the time we get back to the car.
I give Marissa the keys and get in the passenger’s seat. I roll down the window to
get some fresh air because I feel like I’m going to throw up.

I close my eyes as Marissa wends her way down the parking garage. I want to keep them
closed because I don’t want to see Julian’s car but I get the spins when they’re closed.
I open them slowly, and like a scene from a horror movie, Julian appears in the direct
outline of my headlights. Holy fuck, he’s with a woman! They’re standing very close
and leaning against his car talking. They’re on the passenger side, as if he’s about
to open the door for her. His arm is around her and his hand is on the small of her
back. Their lips are inches away from each other. I see the body language Julian exhibits
when he’s sexually familiar with a woman and it makes my stomach heave. I’m barely
able to stop from throwing up but I do. Julian looks up when the lights hit him and
in that split second I see a look I know well. It’s his flirty, sexual, turned on
look. He immediately notices it’s my car and instinctively steps back from the woman.
The expression on his face turns panicked. We’re driving slowly in the garage and
he takes a few steps toward us, as if he’s going to walk in front of the car.

“Get out of here, Marissa. Now!” I yell at her and I know Julian hears me because
he yells back.

“Stop, Marissa!”

She looks at me like she doesn’t know what to do. “Get the fuck out of this garage
now, Mari.”

She sees the look on my face and chooses me. She swerves around Julian and pushes
down on the gas pedal. She flies out of the garage and makes a quick right onto Ocean
Drive.

I’m freaking out and can’t stop shaking.

“He was with another woman, Mari. Three hours later and he was taking someone home.
Oh my God. I’m a fucking idiot! I thought he loved me. Oh my God.”

I’m sobbing now and can’t stop.

Marissa always tries to paint a different picture for me but this time her attempt
is lame and I can tell she doesn’t even believe the words that come out of her mouth.

“You don’t know that, Lex. It could be a friend or a co-worker. They weren’t really
doing anything.”

I turn and look at her. “I know him. He’s fucked that girl and was about to go fuck
her again tonight. I can read his body language. It’s the way he looks at me when
he wants to fuck me. I’m so stupid. Luke was right.”

“Stop it, Luke wasn’t right. I’ve seen Julian around you. He loves you. You know that.”

“The only thing I know right now is that I need to throw-up, so get me home or we’re
going to need to pull over.”

I stick my head out the window and try to keep the alcohol and my broken heart inside
my body. We’re lucky Marissa doesn’t get a ticket because she gets me home in record
time. I run into the house and straight to the bathroom. Marissa sits in the bathroom
with me and rubs my back as I sob and vomit and shake uncontrollably. She’s obviously
scared to leave me alone.

It wouldn’t be pleasant to describe the next thirty minutes but by the time I get
up and move into my bedroom there’s nothing left inside of me. I take my clothes off
and climb into bed in my bra and panties. I’m still shaking. She gets me a glass of
water and tells me to get her if I need anything.

I’m lying there in the dark trying to calm down when I hear Marissa’s voice outside
my window. My room is in the front of the house, closest to the driveway. She has
to know I can hear her.

“You need to go home. She doesn’t want to see you.”

He has come to find me. He sounds desperate.

“Please let me in, Marissa. I need to see her. I need to explain.”

“No. She’s in a very bad place right now. She had a horrible day, you guys broke up,
she’s drunk, and she saw you with another woman. She’s been throwing up for the last
thirty minutes and I’m freaking out because she can’t stop shaking. She’s had enough
today.”

“If she’s not okay, I really need to see her. She may have alcohol poisoning.”

Marissa raises her voice and I can hear she’s pissed at him for me.

“She doesn’t have alcohol poisoning. She has a damn broken heart. Leave it alone and
go home. If she wants to talk to you she’ll call you.”

“Yeah, right. I’ve been calling and texting her since she walked out of my office
and she never answered. Broken heart my ass. She breaks up with me and goes dark thirty
seconds later. It was so easy for her.”

I feel guilty, like I’m eavesdropping. I roll over to get my phone off my dresser
and realize I left it in my purse, which is probably in the car.

“I’m not going to let you in and I’m not going to stand out here arguing with you
all night either. I’ll tell you she left with us and didn’t even talk to a male besides
the bartender and Cory. You, on the other hand, didn’t waste any time moving on.”

“I didn’t do anything. It’s not like that.”

“Julian, we don’t really know each other and I’ve been your biggest fan since the
beginning, but even I saw the body language, and if nothing happened it was only because
you saw us.”

“Is that what Lexie thinks?”

“Well, her exact words were, he has fucked that girl before and wants to fuck her
again tonight. It’s the same way he looks at me when he wants to fuck me.”

“Dios Mio, Marissa. Please let me see her. I swear I won’t hurt her. Please.”

He’s begging now and for second I think Marissa is going to cave.

“No. Go home. Seriously, it’s for your own good. If you talk to her now it’ll only
get worse. I know Lexie. Trust me, she’s not in any condition to talk to you.”

I hear the screen door open and shut behind Marissa.

“Tell her I was here. Tell her to call me please.”

“Okay, Julian. Goodnight.”

I hear the door close and the locks turn. I also hear Julian’s car drive away.

Marissa opens my door. Her voice is a whisper, “Lexie?”

“I heard Marissa, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Do you need anything?”

“No. I just need to sleep.”

“He was freaking out.”

“Good. I’m tired of being the only one.”

“Try to sleep, okay.”

She starts to shut the door.

“Mari …”

“Yes.”

“I love you. You’re a great friend.”

“Love you too.”

As much as I wish I wasn’t feeling the effects of the alcohol I drank I’m thankful
for it. It helps me sleep.

Chapter Fifteen

I’m so glad I took this weekend off. There’s no way I’d be able to make it through
the day. Not only am I unable to lift my head off the pillow without wanting to scream
but my stomach is in knots. I’m hung-over for sure, but I’m also broken hearted. Fuck
me.

I’d hoped I’d see things in a different light when I woke up this morning but I don’t.
I can’t get over what I saw last night. I can say with relative confidence that Julian
didn’t sleep with someone else last night. I say that only because he came right here
after I saw him. But, he may as well have. He wanted to and the only thing that stopped
him was that I parked in his garage and happened to see it about to go down. My stomach
turns over when the image flashes through my mind.

I didn’t think we’d really broken up. I thought it was a fight and that we would make
up today. I needed a break from all the emotional issues that were tugging at me and
I couldn’t handle him being mad at me for something I didn’t do. I just wanted to
spend a quiet night alone with him and this is how it all played out. I never in my
wildest dreams thought he’d want to hook-up with someone.

I lie in bed until close to ten. I don’t want to get out of bed but think I need to
get something in my stomach. I hop in the shower in an attempt to wash away the pain
from last night. I feel marginally better being clean but the soap and water don’t
help erase the images that keep firing through my brain. I put on a pair of black
sweat shorts and a pink hoodie and walk slowly to the kitchen. Marissa and Shannon
are sitting at the table drinking coffee. I make a cup and join them.

“How are you feeling this morning?” Shannon looks concerned and I know Marissa must
have filled her in about last night.

“Horrible.”

I get up from the table and grab the bottle of Advil from the counter over the sink.
I take three and sit back down.

“I got your purse out of the car. Your phone is in it. You might want to check it.
I’m sure Julian has been calling and you know he’ll show up here soon.”

Marissa points to my purse on the counter.

I know she’s right so I turn it on and brace myself. There are eleven text messages
from Julian and five voicemails. I’m not sure I’m ready to read all of them, but I
promised myself I’d stop avoiding things. I open the messages from Julian and start
reading. They started right after I walked out of the hotel last night and stopped
about twenty minutes ago.

Julian:
Please come back. We need to talk. (8:45 p.m.)
Julian:
I can’t believe you just walked away. (9:15 p.m.)
Julian:
This is bullshit. But typical you. Run when you can’t deal. (9:30 p.m.)

Then there’s a voicemail. There were a lot of missed calls but only five messages.
The first was at nine forty-five. Julian’s voice is a mixture of desperation and annoyance.

“Lexie, answer your damn phone. I’m sorry I said what I did about you and Luke being
meant to be together. You know I don’t feel like that. You’re meant to be with me.
I was jealous. I’m sorry. Please call me back.”

Julian:
Are you really going to keep ignoring me? Grow up, Lexie. (10:30 p.m.)

“Call me back please. I’ll stop calling and texting if we just talk for a few minutes.
I can’t believe you’re this mad. How many times do I need to apologize? It was wrong
of me to say anything. I was tired of hearing about Luke and was upset when Marissa
told me he was there. I’m sorry, Lexie.” (11:00 p.m.)

Julian:
I’m done chasing you. Call me when you feel like talking. (11:09 p.m.)
Julian:
Maybe I’ll be inclined to listen. (11:10 p.m.)

“Lexie, I need you to call me back. Are we seriously ending this?” (11:45 p.m.)

Julian:
Alexa, contesta el telefono. Carajo! Esto ya es ridículo. I just saw you. We need
to talk. I’m coming to your house. (12:22 a.m.)
Julian:
I’m on my way to your house and I’m not leaving until we talk. I’m not kidding. (12:30
a.m.)

“I just talked to Marissa. I’m so sorry. We need to talk. Por favor. Don’t do this.
Let me explain. I didn’t do anything. You have to know that.” (1:24 a.m.)

Julian:
You’re making me fucking crazy, Lexie. Please talk to me. This is just a huge misunderstanding.”
(2:27 p.m.)
Julian:
Are you up? Please call me. (8:30 a.m.)
Julian:
Yes, I’m begging you. (8:32 a.m.)

“Okay, you win. I can’t do this. You’ve made your point. I’d appreciate it if you’d
call me so we can talk. I think you owe me that. Te amo, Lexie.” (9:35 a.m.)

On the last and final message he tells me he loves me. I find it a bit odd he waited
until then. His messages are a mixture of emotions and it’s obvious Julian spun out
of control last night. I know something about that and I feel a little guilty for
letting this go on. I do owe him a conversation. I just don’t know what I’m going
to say. My head isn’t clear. I still need time to decide what I’m going to do. I text
him back.

Alexa:
Nobody is a winner here. This isn’t a game. If you want to talk come over later. 4

Four is an arbitrary time but it gives me a few hours to get my thoughts together
and it allows me to feel a little in control. He replies immediately.

Julian:
I’m coming now.
Alexa:
No. 4 or after that. I won’t talk before then so don’t show up.
Julian:
Fine. See you then.

When I’m done with the texts I look up and see Marissa and Shannon are waiting to
hear what he said. I almost forgot they were sitting here. I read them the messages
and tell them what the voicemails say.

“What are you going to do?” Shannon asks first.

“Talk to him, I guess. Listen, and then end it for good.”

Marissa chokes on her coffee. “C’mon, Lexie. Don’t do this. You’re over-reacting and
someone needs to tell you that. He wasn’t with anyone.”

I turn and look at her, then at Shannon.

“I don’t expect you to understand. You both have men who only have eyes for you. Julian
has a reputation for being a ladies’ man and I think he wants to change but he clearly
hasn’t. We got in a fight and he was about to go home with someone else. I know it
in my gut. He didn’t deny it last night either, Mari. I’ve tried really hard not to
feel insecure but women really are constantly throwing themselves at him. That part
is true. I have to hear about it at work and I see it when I’m at the hotel. It’s
hard to deal with and I really don’t want to anymore. It’s bad timing with us and
I need to focus on me now. Like Julian said, it’s too much work.”

“He loves you. You know that. He made a mistake. Don’t do this. You’ll regret it.
He’s the one for you, Lex. He is.” Shannon’s voice is pleading.

“Thank you two. As usual you’re acting in my best interests, but I feel pretty sure
this is the right thing to do.”

I get up and put my mug in the sink. “I’m going to go get a manicure and pedicure.
Do you want to go?”

“I’ll go with you.” I can tell Marissa doesn’t want to leave me alone.

Shannon declines. “I have plans; I’ll be back this evening. Are we still on for dinner
with your parents tomorrow?”

“Yes.” My parents are having a little birthday dinner party for me. Marissa and Shannon
are coming over after work. They told me to invite Luke. I still haven’t told them
we aren’t friends anymore because then I’d have to explain Julian. I haven’t told
them about him either. Good thing I didn’t mention him.

I change into a pair of jean shorts, a red and white striped tank and Marissa and
I drive to the salon. We’re able to get in right away. This was a great idea. The
foot massage relaxes me and getting my nails done always makes me feel better. She
offers to treat me for my birthday but I let her buy me lunch at a pizza place near
the salon instead. As the day goes on, I feel better physically, but mentally I’m
seriously struggling. The day passes quickly and by the time we get home it’s three-thirty.
Julian pulls into the driveway not long after we do. He’s early. Marissa answers the
door on her way out. She’s leaving for a while so we have privacy. I hear Marissa
tell Julian where I am. I’m sitting in a chair when Julian walks in the living room.
I don’t want him to sit next to me. He looks awful, which is a rare sight. It’s the
worst I’ve ever seen him look and I know last night was rough for him too. My heart
starts beating faster and faster and I feel like I’m going to throw up again. This
isn’t going to be easy. My plan is to be calm, cool, and collected. He won’t take
me serious if I act crazy.

“Hi.” I don’t get up; he stands a few feet away from me.

“Can I please hug you?”

I shake my head. He looks hurt but doesn’t ask again. He sits on the couch opposite
me but gets as close to me as he can. He jumps right in and starts trying to fix things.

“I’m so sorry about everything that happened last night. I was totally wrong. You
need to believe that. This is killing me, baby. I need to hold you. This is like a
bad fucking dream.”

I know right away why I didn’t want to see him or talk to him. My body is aching for
him. I want his arms around me. I want this nightmare to end. But it’s still way too
real.

My voice is shaky when it comes out. “I believe you. I can hear it and I can see you
feel bad. This is killing me too.”

He starts to stand up and I have to put my hand up to stop him. He sits back down.

“I get why you were upset about Luke and I’m not surprised you’re sick of all the
drama that comes with me. I’m sick of it too. It’s why I haven’t let anybody get close
to me. It’s a lot to deal with.”

He interrupts me. “Lexie, everything I said was bullshit. I was jealous and acting
like a dick. You don’t need to apologize. I know you didn’t know Luke was going to
be there. I had planned this great night and you were in a bad mood and I snapped.
I wanted to celebrate with you. Shit, I wanted to celebrate you. It’s my fault it
didn’t happen and I’m so sorry.”

“Julian, it’s not what you said that’s the issue here. It’s what you did—”

“Nothing happened, I swear.”

“Please stop interrupting me. This is hard enough to get out and you’re making it
harder. I need to say something to you now. Okay?”

He takes a deep breath, nods, and leans back into the couch. He grabs one of the floral
throw pillows and hugs it to his chest. He’s a very physical man and his need to touch
me is overwhelming him. I can see it and I’m fighting the same pull with everything
I have.

“I could get past the things you said, even though they were very hurtful. You were
upset and although you overreacted, I do understand why Luke is a trigger for you.
I didn’t handle it well and I should’ve stayed and talked it through with you. I had
all I could handle yesterday and I was emotionally spent. I was angry you ignored
my request not to have a birthday party. I knew the day would suck and you just didn’t
get it. But none of that really matters because three hours after we got in a fight
you were ready to fuck another woman.”

The last part comes out with a hiss. I’m trying to stay calm but the thought of him
with someone else spikes my blood pressure.

“I didn’t do anything.”

“I know you didn’t, because by some bizarre twist of fate, I was there to stop it.
But you wanted to, and that’s as bad as if you did. You should’ve fucked her. You
obviously have before and it must’ve been good for you to choose her again. I know
you don’t do repeats unless it’s good sex. She looked pretty, Julian, totally your
type! Is she a model?”

My voice is getting louder and louder. So much for calm and cool. That’s out the window.
All I want to do now is strike back as waves of hurt roll over my whole body.

He doesn’t answer and it makes me angrier. My voice cracks and the tears finally come.

“You should’ve fucked her, Julian. At least you could’ve made it worth losing me!”

Julian closes his eyes and when he opens them the remorse he feels is evident.

“Are you done?”

“We are done, Julian. Say whatever you need to say but it’s not going to change anything.”

I say the words with as much conviction as I can muster. They burn coming out. Deep
down, I don’t want this. I’m just so scared of him leaving me first. I’ve been scared
of this since day one. I never really believed he would actually stay. Why would he?

He sits up and leans forward so he’s looking at me directly in the eyes. I want to
look away because it’s so intense but I can’t.

“Yes, I was going to fuck her. But it has nothing to do with sex. I was trying to
make the frustration I’ve been feeling for weeks go away. I was trying to convince
myself you don’t have that much control over me and that I don’t need you this much.
I told myself it would be okay to sleep with someone else, because after all we’ve
been through in the last few months, you still can’t tell me you love me. I’m so in
love with you that I spent the last twenty-four hours acting like a fucking nut job.
I can’t be without you but I don’t want to compete with Luke or Brady anymore. I want
you all to myself: your mind, your body, your heart. I want to start our future. I’ve
waited my whole life for you and you walked away and ended it because you didn’t like
that I had feelings about you seeing Luke. I know you didn’t want a party, but we
all wanted to celebrate with you. We wanted the twenty-sixth year of your life to
start great because we know how horrible the last year has been for you. We wanted
you to be surrounded by people who love you and support you and think you’re amazing.
Marissa, Shannon, and I planned a great night and I was pissed you were late because
of Luke.”

His words are breaking my heart. Julian is one of the strongest, most self-assured
and composed people I know and to see him like this is shaking me to my core.