Hold On (24 page)

I shake my head again. “No husband.”

“I’m single too. Divorced. No kids.”

Okay. I didn’t ask, but thanks for sharing. And I didn’t say I was single. I guess
we have different definitions. The waitress brings the bill, which Diego covers, and
I’m luckily spared from answering any other personal questions. Diego returns to talking
business on the way back to the office. By the time we get there, I think I imagined
the whole “are you hitting on me” vibe I was getting from him during lunch.

About thirty seconds after I get back, Lauren walks in my office and shuts the door
behind her.

“What the hell was that? A private lunch?”

I can’t tell if she’s joking or is actually mad.

“I don’t know. He asked me to go and said he wanted to go alone. We talked about the
company and about South Beach. It wasn’t a big deal, so please don’t make it one.”

“It’s a little odd he just wanted to go with you, right?”

I tell a little white lie to deflect answering something I have no idea how to answer,
“He said he wants to meet will all of us. I guess he started with me.”

“Started with you, huh? Remember he’s our boss.”

“Really, Lauren? You’re the one who needs to remember he’s our boss. I’m not the one
drooling all over him. A colleague asked me to lunch and you’re freaking out. Serena
looked like she wanted to kill me too. It’s ridiculous.”

Lauren processes what I said. “I guess you’re right.”

“I am right. And I also need to go shopping and buy a dress for this weekend. Want
to go with me after work? I want to hit Neiman’s in Bal Harbour. My parents gave me
a gift-card for my birthday.” I change the subject on purpose and hope she bites.

“Sure. I don’t have plans. I can get something too. I have a dress but I don’t love
it.”

I hide in my office the rest of the afternoon to avoid any other questioning eyes.
Diego passes by a few times and each time he does, he flashes his smile. Ugh. This
could get complicated.

Alexa:
I’m going to go shopping after work with Lauren to get a dress for Fri.
Alexa:
Can I come over after?
Julian:
I thought you were. We had plans
.
Alexa:
Oh yeah. Your tongue. Me…
Julian:
You forgot. I’m hurt.
Alexa:
Had to forget. Too much of a distraction. Needed to work. Can’t think about you and
sex all day long. I’d get nothing done.
Julian:
Then you must not be a good multi-tasker. I run a successful hotel and I think about
you and sex all day, every day.
Alexa:
Mmm. I like that. I’m not as talented as you
.
Julian:
Oh you’re very talented. Don’t ever doubt that
.
Alexa:
I love you.

His flirty banter makes me feel so good. I switched gears but I couldn’t help it.
His response isn’t immediate and takes a few moments to come back.

Julian:
I love you too. Don’t ever doubt that either. See you later tonight. Text me so I
can tell you where I am.
Alexa:
Ok. Xoxo

Finding the perfect dress to wear to the opening proves to be a lot harder than I
imagined. I usually love shopping, but tonight it’s wearing me out. Lauren and I have
both tried on a ton of dresses by the time she finds the one she wants: a red, might
be a little too short and nightclubish, cocktail dress. She looks great in it and
has her heart set on it, but it’s not something I’d wear to this function. She’s getting
annoyed with me that I’m being so picky, but she doesn’t understand how important
this is to me. The opening is for my work, but Julian and many of the people in his
world will be there as well and I want to look perfect. It’s sort of a coming out
party for us as it’s the first event we’re attending as a couple. Lauren has ceased
to be any help because she keeps telling me I look good in everything I try on and
that I need to hurry because she’s starving.

After about two hours, I’m about to give up and go to another store when Florentina,
the saleswoman I’ve been working with, brings another dress back to me. I like the
way it looks on the hanger and it’s definitely the type of dress we’ve been looking
for since we got here. The dress is all black with a high square neckline and a crisscross
open back. It’s sleeveless, with cut in shoulders, which will accentuate one of the
better features on my body. It hits an inch or two above my knee, making it not too
long or too short.

I take it off the hanger and immediately know if it fits, it’s the one. One turn in
the mirror and I’m sold. It meets every criteria I have. It’s only costs fifty dollars
more than my birthday gift card and will look great with my Jimmy Choos. It’s classy,
stylish, and it looks great on me. I open the door and show Lauren and Florentina.

Florentina’s smile says she agrees it’s a winner and so does Lauren’s comment, “That
looks awesome on you. How much is it? She asks because my alternate dress isn’t in
my budget.

“My birthday present basically covers it. I love it. I’m done.”

“Good, let’s go eat.”

We stop and get Thai food after and Lauren grills me about my lunch with Diego. I
tell her verbatim, what was said. Everything that is, except the part where he wanted
to know if I was single. There’s no need to add any fuel to that fire. We also catch
up on her night with Danny, which we never really discussed. She tells me they had
a great time, that he’s good in bed, and that he basically told her he wasn’t looking
for anything serious.

“Have you talked to him since?”

“Not really. He texted me last week and told me he’d call so we could get together
to go out, but then I never heard from him. I figured he was just doing that to make
himself feel better about a one night stand. Either that or he did it because he didn’t
want you to get mad at him.”

I shrug my shoulders. “I have no idea what’s going on with him. All I know is he has
a pretty serious on and off girlfriend, who was apparently off that night. Julian
said they do this all the time. Maybe they’re back together?”

I feel bad laying it out like that but she needs to know. Lauren always seems to pick
unavailable men, which is a shame. She’s a great girl and it would be nice to see
her end up with a guy who wants the same things she does.

“Whatever. He’s a nice guy and it was a fun night. I didn’t expect anything to come
from it so I’m not that disappointed.” She takes a sip of her drink and when she looks
up she smiles. “Well, I’m actually a little disappointed. I will tell you Julian isn’t
the only Bauer who knows how to take care of a woman.”

Julian’s still at work when I text him but tells me to meet him at the condo because
he won’t be much longer. I go for a quick run on the beach when I get there and find
him waiting on the terrace when I get back. He’s changed in to shorts and a t-shirt
and has a bottle of wine opened next to him.

“Take a shower and join me.” His smile melts my heart.

I take a quick shower, change into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt myself, and sit
down next to him on the loveseat. There’s a breeze blowing and the sky is lit up with
stars. It’s a beautiful night. Julian picks up the wine bottle next to him and pours
me a glass. He pulls my feet up onto his lap and starts rubbing them. He looks pensive.

“How was your day?”

He chuckles. “My day was good. Pretty boring but brightened by your texts. And yours?”

“Good. I met Diego.” I’m just going to get it out there so we can discuss it and move
on.

“And?”

I shrug. “And what?”

“How long did it take for him to hit on you?”

I cock my head to the side and pause before I answer. “I wouldn’t say he did.”

“Okay, how long before he asked you if you were single?”

I smile and he knows he’s on to something. He doesn’t smile. He smirks. I tell him
the truth because why wouldn’t I?

“He asked me to lunch. Just me. I went although I thought it was odd he wanted to
go with just me. It was mostly about business but at the end of the conversation he
asked if I was single. I told him I had a boyfriend. He made a comment about me not
being married, implying that I was actually single. Then he told me he was single,
divorced, no kids.”

“And that didn’t seem like he was hitting on you?”

I don’t mention that I got that vibe from Diego. “I’m not clueless, Julian. It was
a little personal, but if a woman would’ve asked me the same questions I wouldn’t
have thought twice about it. They’re normal questions.”

“Then why were you uncomfortable?”

“Who says I was?”

“Your reluctance to talk about it speaks volumes.”

“My reluctance comes from you acting all weird this morning when I mentioned him being
there and also from your comments about what I was wearing. You obviously have an
issue with him and the last thing I want to do is talk about something, or someone,
that isn’t relevant to me or us.”

The last part makes him smile a little. “Sorry about the dress comment. You looked
pretty, as usual. I don’t care for him. He has an international reputation for being
a player and I’d rather you not work so closely with him.”

“You had a reputation as being a player.”

Julian doesn’t deny his playboy past. “Maybe, but I never broke up anyone’s marriage
and I don’t sleep with people I work with.”

Oh. So he does know some personal information about Diego. I’m not even going to ask
although I’m curious. I have to work with this man and it’s a better idea for me if
I keep my opinions strictly professional. So, I try to lighten the conversation. “Well
that’s another reason for me not to work with you. I’d hate to stop having sex with
you.”

“I’m serious.”

“Julian, I don’t want to diminish your somewhat biased opinion of me, but men aren’t
beating down my doors trying to get in my panties.”

“You weren’t wearing any today, baby, and trust me, you’re more desirable than you
give yourself credit for.”

I climb over into his lap, take his face in my hands and kiss him.

“You’re forgetting the most important thing. I don’t care. I love you. I only want
you. Solo tu.”

That comment gets me picked up, carried to the bedroom, and assaulted by Julian’s
tongue. He promised and he delivers.

We don’t talk about Diego again. Not that night and not the next day when Julian drops
me off at work. He has made his opinion known and I did what I could to let him know
it didn’t matter who walked into my life. We’re together and that’s that.

Chapter Eighteen

I’m not going to lie. For the first time since the first time, I’m scared to go to
my session with Ellen. I walk into her office and she greets me with a smile. I don’t
sense any tension so that makes me relax a little. I sit down on my chair, take a
deep breath, and go on the offensive.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

“You’ve put me in an awkward situation, and I didn’t realize it until last week. I
haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. Do you think you’re okay with hearing
what I have to say?”

I laugh nervously. “Um, do I have a choice?”

She isn’t laughing. “Yes, you do.”

Her seriousness is making me uncomfortable and I really don’t know if I want to hear
what she has to say but I’m not sure we can do anything productive unless we get this
over with.

“Go ahead. I’m good.”

She leans back in her chair and takes a deep breath.

“You aren’t the one who needs to apologize, I do. I’m so incredibly sorry we have
spent the last year working together and I didn’t get this. The signs were all there.
I have plenty of experience working with rape survivors, and I missed this. I’ve thought
about it, and it’s so obvious now. I knew there was more to your story but I truly
thought it had something to do with Brady’s death; like maybe you were using with
him when it happened, or that you bought the drugs for him. I speculated that was
why you felt so guilty, and why you blamed yourself. You did such a good job of not
acting like a victim that I didn’t think you were, if that makes any sense.”

I start to object and she puts up her hand to stop me.

“Please let me finish. I’ve spent the last week questioning my abilities as a therapist
and we, or I, need to clear some things up.”

“Please don’t do that. You’re amazing at what you do. I wouldn’t be here, where I
am, if it wasn’t for you. I didn’t want you to know.”

She smiles a little. “There are a lot of things people don’t want me to know. I’m
trained to see them anyway. I’m supposed to see what isn’t obvious. I failed you on
this and I can’t apologize enough.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to see things people don’t want us to see, even for professionals.”

“It’s funny you use that word, professional. I think that’s where the problem is.
I haven’t been completely professional with you.”

“I don’t understand. Why would you think that?”

“Because you, and your life, have become personal to me. I don’t just look at you
as a client. I look at you as a friend, or a family member, and I’ve had a really
hard time separating my personal feelings about what you shared last week from my
professional opinion on how to move forward. That’s what’s awkward. I’m not sure I
can be your therapist anymore.”

I don’t even try to hide the shock on my face. “What? That’s ridiculous. You’ve done
nothing but help, Ellen. I said I was sorry for not telling you everything. I want
to continue this. I need to continue this. Please don’t do this.”

She sighs and I can tell she’s conflicted.

“If we continue, I need you to promise you’re going to be open about what’s going
on with you. I can’t help if you aren’t and it becomes detrimental to both of us.”

“I promise. You know everything now anyway.”

“I doubt that.”

“No more secrets, I swear.”

We sit in silence for a few moments as Ellen seems to process what it is she wants
to talk about. I came in prepared to talk about the rape, because I figured that would
be right where she wanted to pick up. I’m right.

“I’m not sure where we should start. You shared so much last session and made a point
of saying you didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I have a hard time with that,
seeing as we haven’t really discussed anything from a therapy standpoint, but I don’t
want to push you into talking about anything you aren’t ready to, at least right now.”

She smiles a little and I know we’re going to be okay.

“I’m not sure what else you want to know. I told you exactly what happened between
Brady and me.”

“It’s not about what happened. It’s about how you dealt with it and how you’ve been
able to move forward. I’m interested in knowing about how you feel about it today;
a year later.”

I can’t help but cough up a sarcastic laugh. “It’s ironic you would use the words
deal with it. I never really dealt with it. I just pretended it didn’t happen. I’m
pretty stubborn.”

“I’d agree that keeping this to yourself wasn’t a wise decision, but you’ve managed
to move forward, Lexie. You’re in a relationship, a very intense relationship, and
despite some bumps, you seem to be doing well.”

“Are you asking me how I’m able to be with Julian? Because that’s what it sounds like.”

“I’m not sure it’s Julian-specific, but yes, I guess I am.”

I shrug my shoulders. “What everyone, including Julian, fails to remember is that
this happened a year ago. It isn’t recent. I didn’t date or sleep with anyone for
almost a year. I couldn’t. And I didn’t want to either. You know how uncomfortable
I was with Julian when I met him. This hasn’t been easy for me.”

“Yes, we’ve talked about how emotionally uncomfortable you’ve been throughout, but
never how you felt physically. I don’t ever want to compare your experience to anyone
else’s, but your ability to be so intimate with Julian, isn’t necessarily the norm.
From my experience working with rape survivors, it takes a very, very long time to
be able to feel comfortable with any level of intimacy.”

“I’ve actually thought about that. Ever since I opened up to Julian, and then to all
of you, about what happened, I’ve started reading about the after effects of rape.
From what I’ve read, it’s different for each person. I don’t expect my story to be
like anyone else’s and I don’t want to be compared to anyone. All I know is that what
happened between Brady and I did way more damage to me emotionally than it did physically.
I don’t want to downplay the actual act, because it was horrifying, but it was what
it did to my soul that hurt the most. He was someone I loved and trusted and he demolished
it all in minutes. The two weeks after it happened were brutal and I was in a very
dark place. I was totally lost. But then he died, and the whole focus of what he did
to me shifted to what he had done to himself. And killing himself trumped everything.
I got so caught up in what I felt was my part in his death that I didn’t deal with
my own pain, my personal pain of what he did to me. I know it sounds crazy, but I
was sort of okay with the attention being shifted away from what he had done to me.
It helped me implement the whole ‘it didn’t happen’ plan I was trying to execute.”

“There isn’t a thing you’ve said that sounds crazy. It makes sense. I think we all
protect ourselves the best way we know how, and your way was denial. That part is
common.”

I’m finding that sharing this feels good, and I want to keep talking.

“As far as the intimacy thing goes, you’re right. But it did take a while, almost
a year before a man really touched me. And the thing I can’t explain to you is why
it was okay when Julian did. It just felt okay since the beginning. It felt almost
necessary. I used to think I should feel uncomfortable with the physical aspect of
our relationship but I never have. He’s always made me feel safe. It’s the emotional
stuff I struggle with, not the physical. That’s why I ran the first night after having
the best sex of my life. I couldn’t handle the emotional part. That’s what Brady did
to me. That’s what I still have issues with.”

I shrug my shoulders as a sign of acceptance that I still have work to do.

“You need to be incredibly proud of the strength and courage you have. You’re a very
strong woman, whether you believe it or not. I’m proud of you and I’ll do whatever
I can to help you make your way through this.”

She glances at the clock and when I look over, I see time is almost up.

“I’m glad to hear that, because there are days when it’s still really hard to believe
in the good. I want to, so I try, but I have to fake it sometimes. Julian is amazing
and I don’t know if I’d be able to do this with anyone else.”

“I’m glad you believe in his love, because from where I’m sitting it looks strong
and it looks real. Hang onto it, and to all the other people who love and support
you. Keep feeling and keep your heart open and it will get easier day by day.”

“That sounds like a good plan, Ellen. Thank you for being honest with me today. I
think of you as one of the people I can count on for support.”

I know my words touch her and she gets up and gives me a hug. She walks me to the
door and tells me she loves the poppy-colored, Jean Michel Cazabat, platform sandals
I’m wearing. For the moment, it’s all good again.