Hold On (39 page)

I know she’s hurt at the thought I told him before her, again.

“No, I didn’t tell him. I wasn’t going to. Serena overheard a comment Andrea made
to me and took it upon herself to tell him. I only discussed it with Andrea because
I need a job. I told Jill and my parents over the weekend. I was going to tell you
tonight. I just didn’t know how to say it.”

Marissa stands up and pushes the chair in. I guess this conversation is over.

“Well the way you did it is messed up. But, I should be used to it. It’s who you are
now. I kept hoping you’d go back to being the considerate, loving, open friend I knew
for nine years, but it seems like that girl really might be gone for good.”

She puts her wine glass in the sink and turns to walk out of the kitchen.

Ouch. Her words sting and make me feel worse if it’s possible. “It’s not personal,
Mari. I don’t want to hurt you.”

She spins around and I see the tears in her eyes. “That’s the problem. You don’t think
anything is personal. You’re so wrapped up in your own little, dark world you don’t
see how anything you do affects the rest of us. It’s your life and you’re a big girl,
but you’ve become someone I don’t even know anymore. The Lexie I know would never
walk away from all the people who love her and need her.”

She takes a deep breath and puts up her hand to stop me from responding. I wasn’t
going to yet though. I’m still reeling a little from her words.

“Yes, Lexie, we need you too. I need you. Julian needs you. Your other friends need
you. But, you don’t feel the same way, and it’s become painfully obvious with this
latest stunt. How in the world did you think it would be okay to plan on moving without
even mentioning it to me or Shannon, or to Julian?”

I snap out of the daze I’m in when she mentions Julian’s name. “I understand why you’re
upset I didn’t tell you and I could apologize about it for days. But, you would’ve
tried to stop me and I didn’t want to be stopped. Why would you even think I should
tell Julian anything? He said the same thing. He was as mad as you.”

“Are you really that clueless? Did you really think Julian thought your relationship
was over?” She looks at my face and sees that yes, I really thought that.

“Really, Lexie? The man asked you to marry him a month ago. Did you think he’d walk
away that easily? I even know him better than that and I don’t even really know him.
He was giving you space so you’d come to your damn senses and realize you two are
supposed to be together.”

“I do need space. I need a whole fucking other planet between him and me so I can
get over him. Seeing as I can’t make that happen, I’m moving to Tampa. And if he didn’t
take me seriously before, he does now, so don’t worry about him. He sent me an email
and told me he hated me.”

I think about his last email and it makes me sick to my stomach like it did the first
time I read it.

“Well I understand how he feels. I kind of hate you right now too. You’re sabotaging
your life and we’ve all been forced to watch it because you’re so damn stubborn. You’re
making the biggest mistake of your life. I’m serious. This is wrong.”

“Tell me how you really feel, Marissa. It feels great to hear you hate me too.”

“I know you think I’m being harsh and maybe I am, but I can’t do this anymore. You
don’t listen to anyone and you can’t see what’s right in front of your face. I don’t
hate you and neither does Julian, but you’ve broken both of our hearts with this plan.
Maybe one day I’ll understand why you feel the need to run away from your home, but
right now I can’t be supportive of it. I’m sorry, but you’re on your own with this.”

As she walks out of the kitchen I respond truthfully, “I’ve been on my own for a long
time now, Marissa. Hopefully you never know what it feels like to be surrounded by
people who love you and still feel totally alone.”

I watch her back as she heads to her room. I sit at the table for a while and finish
my wine. When I’m done I go to my room, take off my dress and get into bed. I hear
the front door open and hear Marissa’s car drive away. I’m so tired it surprises me
I don’t fall asleep immediately. I lie there as the day gives way to the night, and
think about my conversation with Marissa. She said some really painful, but true things.
I’m not the same person I used to be. I tried to tell everyone that and nobody will
listen. I guess they’re all seeing I wasn’t lying when I said I was broken. As I think
about everything that’s happened in the last few months, I’m forced to admit I’m really
scared. I’m scared of how I’m feeling because right now, I feel like I have no control.
I know I’m doing all the wrong things, and I can’t seem to stop myself. As I lie in
the dark and feel so incredibly alone, I say a little prayer and ask for help. I don’t
know what else to do.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I fall asleep sometime after midnight and wake up periodically throughout the night.
My dreams and thoughts are jumbled together and at some point I even feel wetness
from tears on my cheeks. When I finally open my eyes in the morning, I’m shocked I
don’t feel sad, or numb. I feel a new emotion. I’m not sure where it came from, or
why it’s coursing through my body, but I’m filled with anger. Real, serious, I want
to kick someone’s ass, anger. I can’t remember the last time I was truly angry at
someone. Over the last year, the times when I said I was mad were really times when
I was hurt and trying to pass it off as anger. Not now. Right now I’m pissed. I lie
there for a while and try to get a grip on what I’m feeling. I went to bed feeling
so incredibly sad and right now I want to beat someone up. I chuckle nervously at
myself when the thought crosses my mind I might be having some sort of breakdown.
Who the hell feels like this?

I get out of bed and change into some shorts, a tank, and my tennis shoes. I want
to run. Maybe I’ll feel better after. I see Marissa’s car isn’t there and neither
is Shannon’s. I head off down my street and turn my music up as loud as I can bear.
I’m trying to drown out the thoughts in my head but it doesn’t work. As my feet hit
the pavement I think about Julian, Luke, and Marissa and all the things they’ve said
to me over the last few weeks. I think about how they’ve called me out as not being
me anymore. It’s true and it makes me even angrier. I fucking hate who I’ve become.
I want to be mad at them instead of myself but I can’t because they’re right. I run
faster, as if I can escape my thoughts, but there’s no escape and Marissa’s words
keep looping through my head on auto repeat, “It’s your life and you’re a big girl,
but you’ve become someone I don’t even know anymore. The Lexie I know would never
walk away from all the people who love her and need her.”

Sometimes when I’m running I lose track of how far I’ve gone and this is one of those
times. By the time I realize where I am, I’ve gone almost four miles. I slow down
and start to jog. I really don’t have the energy to be doing what I’m doing after
not sleeping or eating right for weeks. I feel my body start to protest as the adrenaline
wears off and I’m smart enough to recognize I need to stop. There’s a park next to
the road where I’ve stopped and I go find a bench to sit down on.

It’s a beautiful morning and tons of people are already out. I sit there and people
watch while I catch my breath. Unfortunately, as soon as I stop running, I feel the
anger start to resurface. I still have my headphones in and I scroll through the music
looking for a song that might have a calming effect on me. I’m not looking at the
titles; I’m just pushing the fast forward button when Call Me Maybe comes through
my headphones and Brady’s face pops into my head, everything becomes crystal clear
for the first time and I know, finally, what I have to do.

I jog slowly back to my house. I’m calm when I walk into my empty house and calm when
I take a shower. I’m able to stay calm in the car for the forty-five minutes it takes
me to get where I’m going. I’m calm as I walk through the cemetery, trying to remember
where Brady is buried. I haven’t been here since the funeral, but I’m able to find
his grave quickly. I’m calm until I sit down on the grass next to his headstone. There
are fresh flowers here and a picture of a little boy, his little boy, Michael. I look
at the picture and it makes me angrier than I was. This little boy doesn’t have a
dad now because of Brady’s selfish choice. I’m not a particularly religious person,
although I was raised Methodist, but I do believe it was some sort of divine intervention
that brought me here today. It’s the only explanation for why, all of a sudden, I
know this is what I need to do.

Others like Marissa, my mom, and Luke have suggested I visit Brady’s grave to get
some sort of closure and peace, but nobody ever suggested I come here and tell him
how I really feel about what he did to me and to himself. Nobody told me it was okay
to let him know how angry I am with him. I never got a chance to say these things
to him when he was alive and right now I know my decision to hold these feelings in
was the worst decision of all. The anger and hurt in my heart have taken up all the
space that should be filled with love and happiness. There’s no way I would’ve ever
been able to forgive him or myself without really acknowledging what this all did
to me. I’ve never wanted to face the truth. I wanted to be strong and I wanted to
forget. I thought I could do this all on my own. I was so wrong.

I look around to make sure nobody is nearby and I start talking. Actually, I kind
of start yelling, and once I start I can’t stop.

“Brady, I have no idea where you are, if you’re anywhere. I don’t know if you can
see me or hear me. I don’t know a lot of things. But I know I’m so fucking mad at
you I can hardly breathe and I can’t live like this anymore. I haven’t lived since
the last night I saw you. Since the night you shattered every bit of trust I had in
people. I loved you and I trusted you and you broke me. Do you hear me, I’m broken.
Damn you, Brady! You took away my ability to love and trust and believe in myself.
Do you know that? Do you remember that confident, fun girl you met in the bar? Well
she’s gone and I hate you for that. And I feel so bad for hating you because you’re
dead. And being dead trumps everything. And I hate you for that too because I’ve felt
so fucking guilty for feeling the pain from what you did to me. I had to hide and
pretend like it didn’t happen so it wouldn’t hurt anyone else. I couldn’t even hurt
because I didn’t want anyone to feel any worse. I protected you even after you violated
me in every way possible and you didn’t deserve that from me. I didn’t tell anyone.
But you did. You told Luke. I just found that out and it ruined everything. I’ve lost
him too and it hurts so much.”

I wipe away the tears that have been rolling down my cheeks and take a few deep breaths.

“How could you have done this to us? We all loved you Brady, me, Luke, your parents.
You broke our hearts and left us to pick up the pieces. And if you’re watching you
know what a mess I am. Marissa says I’m not even the same person anymore and so much
of that’s your fault. I’ll take some responsibility, but I’m going to blame you too.
I was a different person before you came into my life. I liked who that girl was and
you destroyed her. And I want her to come back so badly.”

I sit quietly for a few moments and picture Brady’s face. I try and imagine him smiling
and laughing. He had a beautiful smile and a warm, sincere laugh. I’ll never understand
how a person filled with so much light could get swallowed by so much darkness.

“I’m sorry too, Brady. I’m sorry I didn’t let you say you were sorry. I couldn’t see
you and I couldn’t talk to you and now you’re gone and I’ve lived with that guilt
for a year. But, it’s not my fault you did what you did. I didn’t deserve to be cheated
on and hit. I didn’t deserve for you to rape me and I didn’t make you choose to die.
It was so unfair I had to be the one to find you. Did you know I would? Did you want
to punish me more? That’s the worst thing you could ever do to someone, Brady, and
you did it to me. You told me you loved me and I had to find you. My God, Brady, why
would you choose this? It was the wrong choice. You made the wrong choice and I’ve
been making the wrong choices too, because I’m so scared of ever feeling this kind
of devastation again. I loved you and you’re gone and it was all so bad at the end.”

I start to feel lighter with each truth I utter and with each tear that rolls down
my face I start, for the very first time, to really let go of the pain, shame, and
guilt I’ve been holding onto for so long. The depth of these feelings was truly unknown
to me before now. I thought I was so much more okay than I am which isn’t saying much.

Before I left the house I wrote down some lyrics to a song. I was worried I wouldn’t
be able to come up with my own words so, as I so often do, I rely on someone else’s
to help me. It turns out that in this case, I didn’t need the help. But, I want to
make sure I walk away from here empty, empty of the darkness that has been trying
to swallow me. I take a piece of paper out of my purse and read the words from the
song Guarded by Kevin Daniel, out loud.

But I won’t be free, ‘til I’ve made peace with never knowing,
What went wrong and was the fault in me.
I just wish your ghosts were gone, Cause I’m ready to love,
I’ve been guarded long enough.

When I finish, I put the paper back in my purse. I sit quietly next to Brady’s grave
for almost an hour and try to remember the good things. I try to remember the laughter
and the smiles and the love we shared. I search my soul for the forgiveness I need
to give him and for the forgiveness I need to give myself. I’m a realist and I’ve
been shown things can change in the blink of an eye, but in this moment, I’m absolutely
convinced I’ve finally begun to let go.

“I’m not sure I’m going to come back here, Brady. I don’t want to look back anymore.
I wish so badly you were in front of me so I could give you what you asked of me in
your note. I’m going to forgive you, Brady. I’m going to forgive you and I’m going
to forgive myself. Goodbye, Brady. I hope you found your light again.”

As I walk back to my car I’m very conscious of how I’m feeling. I’m exhausted but
I truly feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off of my body and I have
a sense of clarity about my future I didn’t have until now. I couldn’t believe in
the future because of the shadows of my past. It’s all making sense now. As I drive
home I try not to beat myself up for not having done this sooner. I wasn’t ready.
I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t and I keep telling myself I did the best I could and
I need to really forgive myself, not just talk about it. I’ve hurt so many people
and made so many bad choices. It’s hard to think about it.

I-95 is a parking lot once I get into Dade County and as I sit in traffic I can’t
help but think about the damage control I need to do. I need to talk to Marissa as
soon as I get home. Our conversation has been weighing so heavily on me. I don’t know
what Shannon knows but she needs to be part of this too. I also need to talk to Ellen.
I’ve shut out so many people. And Julian. Oh my God, Julian. He reached out for me
again and I shut him out completely. I didn’t even respond to his last email. I’d
be wrecked if he ever did that to me. What makes me feel even worse is I don’t think
he ever would. That man has been there for me over and over again and I kept pushing
him away. I’m not sure what, if anything, I can or should do. He told me he was done
and right now the thought of that being true is devastating. I try and focus on what
I can fix and I start the conversation I need to have with Marissa in my head. I space
out a little and try to collect my thoughts. When I get into the car I plug my phone
in and let the music shuffle. It’s uncanny what song comes on the radio. I listen
and feel my heart hurt at the truth in a song I could’ve written myself. And just
like Adam Levine says, I’m so, so sad. What have I done?

Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wonderin’ if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I’m scared to death that there may not be
Another one like this

Sad – Maroon 5

The tears start to flow again and instead of turning the song off or trying to think
of something else, I force myself to feel the pain and acknowledge the magnitude of
what I’ve done. I walked away from Julian in his time of need and showed him I didn’t
love him unconditionally. I didn’t stay when he needed me. I didn’t hold on. I didn’t
trust him and give us a shot. I don’t know if I really could’ve made our relationship
work under the circumstances, but I didn’t even really try. I ran and hid and felt
sorry for myself. Oh God. And Luke. I didn’t technically cheat on Julian but I betrayed
our love by trying to fill in the hole he left with Luke. I knew it was wrong and
I did it anyway. Fuck. I did this.

When I pull into the driveway, both Marissa’s and Shannon’s cars are there and I’m
happy, and nervous, as I walk in the door. They’re both sitting in the living room
and neither of them smiles when I come and sit down on the couch next to Shannon.
She doesn’t wait for my butt to hit the cushion before she lays into me.

“I’m not sure what’s going on with you, and I’m sorry I haven’t been around more,
or been a better friend, but you’ve lost your fucking mind if you think moving is
what you should be doing. You need to be around your friends and family. Stop freaking
running already.”

Marissa jumps in before I have a chance to respond. “You’re wasting your breath, Shannon,
Lexie has already made up her mind she’s better off cutting all of us out of her life.”

I hear the hurt in her voice and see the pain in her eyes. It makes me feel worse.
I sit and listen and let them say what they need to say to me. When Marissa finishes,
I stand up and walk toward the kitchen. I look over my shoulder.

“Press pause on the lecture for a minute would you. This calls for wine. Or a shot?
Which would you prefer?” I look at the clock and see its three o’clock and decide
its okay to start drinking now. Plus, it’s Saturday.

I hear them laugh a little and I smile. They both say they don’t want anything but
I ignore them and grab the bottle of Patron from our little bar. I also get three
shot glasses and go back into the living room. “We’re all doing a shot. We’re celebrating.”

They are both looking at me like I’m crazy. I’m going to let them know I’m not. I
pour the shots and hand them out. I raise mine and although they’re looking at me
skeptically, they do the same.

“Cheers to the fact I’ve finally come to my senses and I’m not moving. Here’s to you,
Marissa, for finally saying what I really needed to hear, here’s to you two being
the best friends a girl could have and here’s to me for acknowledging I’ve totally
fucked up my life and if I don’t get it together, I’ll ruin it for good.”