Hold On (35 page)

Lex –

I sat outside your door for about fifteen minutes listening to you cry. It was the
most painful thing I’ve done outside of burying Brady. I know I keep comparing this
to that, but it almost feels as bad. I wanted to knock the door down, hold you in
my arms, and tell you that everything was going to be okay. But, I couldn’t. It’s
not okay. None of this is okay. I hope someday it’s better though.

You’ve been the best part of my life for seven years and there are no words to describe
how much I’m going to miss you. Please know I’ll never stop loving you.

I heard a song after we stopped talking a few months ago and it made me think of you.
It’s called Time of Our Lives by Tyrone Wells. Please listen to it.

No regrets Hooka,

Luke

I can’t believe he’s telling me to listening to a song. That’s such a page from my
book. It’s not a song I know so I go to iTunes, download it and look up the lyrics.
I play it and read the words in front of me through my tears.

This is where the chapter ends
And new one now begins
Time has come for letting go
The hardest part is when you know
All of these years
When we were here
Are ending
But I’ll always remember
We have had the time of our lives
And now the page is turned
The stories we will write
We have had the time of our lives
And I will not forget the faces left behind
It’s hard to walk away from the best of days
But if it has to end, I’m glad you have been my friend
In the time of our lives
Where the water meets the land
There is shifting in the sand
Like the tight that ebbs and flows
Memories will come and go
We say goodbye, we hold on tight
To these memories that never die
We say goodbye, we hold on tight
To these memories that never die
But if it has to end, I’m glad you have been my friend
In the time of our lives
Time of Our Lives - Tyrone Wells

I play the song over and over again as tears stream down my face and the sobs I’ve
been holding off all day begin to wrack my body. The lyrics hit home and I force myself
to acknowledge that Luke and I are really, really over. I listen to the song at least
fifteen times before I turn it off. I lie in my bed and try to figure out how I got
here. Five months ago I was struggling to deal with the aftermath of Brady. I was
pulled through the pain by Julian’s love only to be devastated by the reality that
the life I dreamt of having with him wasn’t going to happen. I lost Luke twice in
the process and came out of all of it being so very alone. Each time I thought my
heart was broken, but I guess I hadn’t reached the bottom until now. Now my heart
is truly shattered.

After Brady died, after he killed himself, I struggled to imagine what kind of pain
he must’ve been in to have felt like he had no other options. Even after the rape
and the discovery of his body, I was able to find the strength to get up every day
and move forward. It may have been an inch at a time but I did it. My ability to deal
may have had something to do with the fact that I spent a lot of time feeling numb.
I really wasn’t feeling anything until Julian came in and made me love him. I held
off the pain of the rape by pretending it didn’t happen. Luke made me feel that pain
when he forced me to admit it did happen. Then he made me aware of my feelings for
him too. These men made me feel. They made me feel deeply. Now I find I’m relating
to Brady’s despair. It’s like I’ve come full circle in some twisted way. I never thought
about not wanting to wake up. That is, until today.

Sadness has been a constant companion in my life for so long now that I’m unfortunately
beginning to get crushed under its weight. Because I’m feeling everything now, I’m
being forced to deal with something I haven’t felt before. Hopelessness. I’m unable
to see past this pain and this moment in time. I can’t see myself ever wanting to
love another person again. I can’t imagine any kind of future with love in it. I can’t
imagine ever feeling whole again.

As I lie on my bed and stare at the letter Luke left, the day fades into the night
and my room becomes dark. When Marissa comes in to talk to me I pretend I’m asleep.
I hear her check on me a few times throughout the evening and each time I keep my
eyes tightly shut. I can’t talk about this anymore. Not to her, not to Ellen, not
to anyone.

I eventually fall asleep only to be plagued by indescript dreams of Brady, Luke, and
Julian. They’re all like ghosts in these dreams and slip through my hands each time
I reach out to them. I wake up sobbing and feeling like I’m suffocating. The rest
of the night plays out in a similar fashion and when I get out of bed in the morning
I feel like I’m recovering from the biggest hangover on record. But I also have a
new outlook.

Chapter Twenty-Six

I shower and get ready for work with a new sense of purpose. My personal life is in
ruins but my professional life couldn’t be better. I decide I’m going to focus on
that and put all my energy into making money. I suck at love, but I’m a hell of a
salesperson. I dig through my closet once again to find something that fits my mood.
I decide to go with a black and gray, hounds tooth, A-line skirt and a black, sculpted,
silk tank. The outfit goes with the black, T-strap, Alejandro Ingelmo pumps I splurged
on with my last paycheck. I pull my hair back into a tight, straight ponytail. I do
wonders with my eye makeup and manage to hide the fact I’ve been crying for days.
I look in the mirror and nod at myself. The look and the outfit feel powerful and
a bit hard. It’s exactly the image I want to project.

Marissa and Shannon are sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee. I know Shannon
is here because Marissa told her what happened. I make myself a cup of coffee and
sit with them.

“I’m okay. I mean, I’ll be okay. I cried it out yesterday and I really don’t want
to talk about Luke, Julian, or Brady anymore. You know what happened and I’m not hiding
anything or in denial about anything. I literally can’t deal with this stuff anymore.
I need to move on and I can’t do that if I keep living in the past. I want to focus
on work. Okay?”

I look back and forth between them. They both look at me skeptically.

Shannon responds first. “Did you plan that speech?”

I smile slowly. “Yes. In the shower.”

“You have to do what’s best for you, but we’re here to listen anytime.” Marissa always
says what I need to hear.

“I know. You two are the best. I can’t believe you aren’t sick of me. I’m sick of
me.”

I get up and give each of them a hug and a smile. I’ve decided to fake it until I
make it. “I’ll see you two later.”

When I get into my car I exhale. That was harder than I thought. I’m tired of being
the victim and the girl that everyone is worried about all of the time. I vow to keep
it together when I’m around my friends.

The first person I see when I walk into the office is Serena. She’s perched up near
the front desk with a fake smile, and by the way she’s looking at me I know I’m about
to hear something shitty.

“Hey Alexa. I saw Julian last night when Alejandra and I were over Yvette’s. He came
by to pick up some clothes his Aunt bought for the baby. It was so cute. He seems
so excited. I guess he and Caroline are getting everything ready for their baby.”

Fucking bitch. Really? That’s how this day is going to start? I’m about to say something
back when Lauren interjects. She was coming in behind me and heard Serena’s comment.
She stops right in front of Serena.

“Serena, I know it’s hard not to be such a petty bitch, especially because you have
no life of your own, but do us all a favor and find someone else to torment. All you
do is say mean, thoughtless shit all day long and we’re all pretty tired of it, and
of you. Trust me when I tell you that both Lexie and I have been really professional,
but it’s been hard and if you don’t stop antagonizing her, I promise, I for one, will
stop playing nice.”

Serena actually has the nerve to look offended. It makes me smile a little. I don’t
say anything and walk past them into my office. Lauren follows me in and shuts the
door behind me.

“I swear I want to kick her ass. I mean really slap that fake ass smile off her face.
I’m sorry she said that to you.”

“Thanks for having my back again. I’m not up for her today. I’m trying to stay focused
on work and I don’t need anyone bringing up Julian. I have a hard enough time not
thinking about him.”

“Well, that should shut her up.” Lauren sits down in the chair in front of my desk.
“Anyway, congrats on the sale yesterday. That’s awesome. Drinks on you when that check
rolls in.”

I smile again. “You know it. Drinks and a bunch of new shoes.”

Lauren and I talk for a few more minutes about some other potential buyers and work-related
issues. After she walks out, Evelyn walks in.

“Lexie, honey, you’ve got a call on line three. It’s a Danny Bauer.”

She intentionally came and did that so Serena could hear that Danny was calling me.
I owe her one and as I catch a glimpse of Serena’s face, I know she’s the one who
is upset now. I’m not sure why Danny would be calling me. We haven’t spoken since
Julian and I broke up. I take a deep breath before I answer. “This is Alexa.” I don’t
want to sound too friendly.

“Hey, Lexie. It’s Danny. How are you?”

His voice is familiar and sounds so much like Julian’s. My heart sinks a bit. “I’m
doing well, Danny. What’s up?”

He pauses for a minute and I can hear him exhale. “Well, I have a client who is in
the market. He’s looking outside the Bellavista. He brought up The Promenade and I
thought about you. If he goes there I’d like to connect him with you. He’s been a
client for years and I want him to get good service. It’ll be a big sale. Interested?”

Um yeah. “Sure, Danny. Thank you for thinking about me. Can you email me his contact
numbers and I’ll reach out today.”

“I’d like to sit and talk about this with you before you meet with him. Can you do
lunch today? I’m down here now.”

I’m really not interested in seeing a Bauer today. “Can’t we talk about it over the
phone?”

“It’s a complicated situation and I’d like to explain it all in person. Plus, I’d
love to see you.”

I love Danny. He’s always been so sweet to me. “You’ll come alone, right? And it’s
just about business, okay?”

“Just business and just me, I promise.”

“Okay then. I have an appointment at ten that shouldn’t take more than a few hours.
I can meet you somewhere at noon. How about we go a few doors down to Jett’s?”

Jett’s is safe. It’s been hard being so close to Julian every day. I worry about running
into him on the street every time I go out. I stay really close to work and hope he
has enough respect for me to stay on his end of Ocean Drive during work hours.

“Okay, Jett’s at noon. See you then.”

I hang up with Danny and try to catch my breath. I have no idea why he feels we need
to meet but if he really has a hot lead, I don’t want to pass it up. I keep myself
busy until my clients come. They live half of the year in Brazil and have been renting
for a while. They’ve been here several times over the past month and I’m hopeful this
will be the day they make a decision. I spend the next hour and a half with them going
through a unit they’ve looked at three times and when we get back to the office they
let me know they want to write a contract for it. It’s a smaller one bedroom unit
but they’re thinking of adding a ton of upgrades, so it’ll price out well. I couldn’t
be happier. This is going to be such an amazing month. It actually might be the month
I finally really splurge and buy a pair of Louboutin’s I’ve been eyeing forever.

We make an appointment for tomorrow to do the paperwork and I walk them out into the
lobby. Danny is sitting on one of the chairs, talking to Lauren. They aren’t seeing
each other anymore, but thankfully ended things on good terms. Danny smiles at me
when he sees me walk in the room. As soon as my clients walk out the door he’s on
his feet and closing in to give me a hug. I take a step backward and lean in for a
kiss on the cheek instead. I want this to stay professional. I see the hurt in his
eyes when I pull back. In the short time Julian and I were together, Danny and I grew
close and I see it’s hard for him to be so formal.

“I was a little early so I thought I’d come up and get you.”

“Are you spying on us, Danny?” I hear Serena’s shrill voice behind me. She walks over
and actually hugs him. His return hug is cold and brief.

“No spying today, Serena. Just lunch with Lexie.”

The look on her face is priceless. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head as she walks
away huffing. I can hear her mumble something under her breath about what the Bauer
brothers see in me, blah, blah, blah.

“Fun times working with her, huh?”

“You have no idea, Danny. It’s been non-stop fun since the beginning.”

I tell him to hang on as I grab my purse and phone from my office. I let them all
know I’ll be back in an hour and we head out to Jett’s.

The conversation in the elevator and on the way out is easy and impersonal. Danny
must sense how uncomfortable I am and tries to make me feel at ease. We talk about
the building, the weather, and my friends. I ask about Gabby and he tells me they’re
back together and things are good. He doesn’t seem to want to talk about it though.

The menu at Jett’s is a hodge podge of cuisines. I order a grilled chicken salad and
Danny gets the fish tacos. We continue our chatting until the food arrives. Over lunch,
Danny tells me about his client. The story actually is complicated. The client is
married and he and his wife have a place in St. Thomas and a unit in the Bellavista.
Apparently this man wants to buy a unit for his lover who’s having his baby. His wife
doesn’t know anything about it and he wants something that’s close, but for obvious
reasons, not in the same building. Danny tells me the part about the lover and baby
delicately, and I know now why he wanted to tell me in person. He knew the story would
hit a nerve and be upsetting to me. It is, but I pretend it isn’t as I curse the man
in my head. It sounds like this is going to be a cash deal with a quick closing. I’d
be a fool to let my personal feelings get in the way of a healthy commission. I assure
Danny I can find the perfect place as well as be discreet about what he’s shared with
me. He calls his client right then and we agree on a time to meet this Friday.

“Thank you again for thinking about me, Danny. It would’ve been a dogfight in the
office for sure if he’d have just walked in.”

“I think about you all the time. We all miss you.”

I look down so he can’t see how his words touch me. I also don’t want him to see the
tears that just filled up my eyes. When I look back up I hope my true feelings aren’t
evident.

“That’s sweet, Danny. I’m happy to hear things are going well with Gabby.” I really
want to burn rubber out of the emotional parking lot we’re in, but Danny seems to
have put things in neutral and is idling.

“They are going well. How are you doing? I mean really doing?”

“We agreed to keep this about business, remember? I don’t want to be rude to you Danny,
but no good is going to come out of us talking about anything else.”

“We were friends. We were going to be family and I genuinely care about you. It’s
hard to pretend I don’t.” He says the words with so much sincerity I can’t help but
soften a little.

“I’m doing okay, Danny. Work has been great this month and I’ve been super busy. If
Serena would go away, it would be my dream job. The rest of my life hasn’t quite turned
out the way I planned, and I have some good days and some bad days, but I’m doing
pretty well.”

“You look sad, Lexie.”

Ugh. These Bauer’s never know when to stop pushing.

“I am sad, Danny. Did you think you’d see me and I’d be all smiles and giggles? My
whole world got turned upside down a few weeks ago. It’s going to take me a little
more time to get over it.”

“He’s sad too. It’s so hard to see you both like this. Can’t you find a way to work
this out? You two are meant to be together.”

I really can’t hear this today. I’m still reeling from the Luke episode yesterday
and the last thing I need to hear is how upset Julian is, especially because the image
of him and Caroline picking out baby clothes is still roaming through my mind. Damn
it. It was supposed to be just business.

“Look Danny. I’m really not going to discuss this with you. I’ve already said more
than I planned to. It was supposed to be just business and just lunch, remember? I
appreciate the lead and I’m happy to discuss that transaction with you anytime. I’m
even okay sharing the commission. I’m not okay talking about Julian though, so please
don’t.”

I’ve been sitting with my back to the door and instead of responding to my comments,
Danny stands up and heads toward the front. I saw the look in his eyes, he looked
panicked and that could only mean one thing: Julian or Caroline. I will myself to
keep looking forward and try to remember if I saw a back door near the bathroom. Maybe
I can sneak out before I’m noticed. As I plot my escape route and get up to leave,
I hear Julian’s voice behind me and feel his hand on my shoulder. I smell his distinct
scent and can’t help myself from breathing it in. It makes me weak in the knees and
I have to brace myself on the chair as I turn around. Fuck.

“Lexie?” He says my name like a question.

I take a step back and bump into the table. I feel the water from my glass splash
across my leg. It’s cold and the shock of it helps me focus. I haven’t seen Julian
in over two weeks and I’m not pleased to report it isn’t any less painful to have
him standing in front of me now than it was when I walked away the last time. My heart
drops to my feet. Of all days to see him it has to be today, when I’m hanging on by
a thread. Damn it! To make matters worse, he looks amazing in a pair of charcoal gray
slacks and a button down shirt that’s the same color as his eyes.

“Hello, Julian.”

I’m not sure if it’s instinctual or deliberate, but as I step back, Julian steps forward
and closes the gap between us. He’s staring at me like we’re the only two people in
the room. If this were a movie, I could imagine a spotlight on us. The air is crackling
with tension, both physical and emotional. I step to the side and shake my head slightly.
Julian notices and stops moving toward me. As it is, we’re only a few feet apart.

I watch Julian as his eyes move slowly up and down my body. It’s a gesture I’m very
familiar with. It used to make me feel revered and desired when he caressed me with
his eyes. Right now it’s making me uncomfortable and I cross my arms over my chest
in defiance. When his eyes reach mine there’s a scowl on his face. I’m not sure if
it’s because my reaction is standoffish and indicates I want him to stop or because
he doesn’t like what he sees. I get my answer when Julian looks down at my half eaten
salad and then back at me.