Hold On (29 page)

They sit there with me and offer their quiet support. There really isn’t anything
to say. After about an hour I get up and go into my room. It’s already ten o’clock.
I can’t believe this day. It started out like it was from a dream as I rode the high
of the weekend, and now it’s like a nightmare. I’ve been checking my phone all day
and I continue to do it all night. I keep waiting for Julian to call and tell me this
is all a big misunderstanding, because it has to be. But, the call never comes and
by eleven I’m tired of waiting. I turn my phone off, take the beautiful ring Julian
just gave me off of my finger, and cry myself to sleep.

My sleep is restless and I have a nightmare for the first time in weeks. It’s a variation
of my normal dream but Brady is replaced by Julian. I’m running, literally, around
South Beach looking for him so we can talk. In the dream I’m always two steps behind
him though, and I wake up in a sweat with tears on my cheeks. I never find him in
my dream.

I told my co-workers I wasn’t feeling well yesterday so it’s believable when I call
in sick. After turning my phone on and seeing Julian hasn’t called or texted, it’s
the truth anyway. It’s early and I’m able to leave a message. I just lie there and
cry. There’s nothing else for me to do. I hear Marissa open my door to see if I’m
awake and I pretend I’m asleep. That’s how the rest of the day goes too. I get up
a couple times to get some water and to use the bathroom. I force myself to eat some
crackers and a banana even though I have no appetite. This is so bad.

Shannon comes in when she gets home from work to check on me. I tell her I want to
be alone and she reluctantly agrees. I hear her tell Marissa on the way out my door
that she’s worried about me. That makes two of us. I’m worried about me. Lauren texts
me later in the day to see how I feel. I text back that I think I have the flu, and
I most likely won’t be in tomorrow either. I keep my phone on until around eight before
I turn it off again. I figure it being off is a great justification for why it’s silent.

I don’t dream at night, but then again, I really don’t sleep.

I get out of bed at five o’clock Wednesday morning and have to run to the bathroom.
I’m sick to my stomach. My nerves are shot and I haven’t eaten since early yesterday.
I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. I haven’t seen this girl in a few
months. But, she’s back. I’m dramatic and I know this about myself, but the reality
is I can feel the proverbial walls of my heart hardening. I can’t do this. I can’t
be hurt like this again because I don’t think I’ll be able to recover this time. I
dig deep and pull every single ounce of strength I have inside of me and prepare myself
for whatever is about to come my way. I know I can’t hide out in my room forever so
I make some tea, grab a blanket and lay down on the couch. I also leave a message
for Ellen cancelling my appointment, again. I didn’t cancel for a year, and now it
seems like a regular thing. I can’t deal with her questions tonight, especially when
I have no answers. Marissa finds me there around six-thirty. She looks at me and knows
nothing has changed. She asks anyway.

“Did you hear from Julian?”

I sit up and answer. “I turned my phone off around eight last night. I haven’t checked
since then. At this point I’m not sure I want to talk to him.”

“You’re going to have to eventually talk to him. Let him explain.”

I feel the tears again.

“He’s not calling Mari. Anyway, what can he say that’s going to make any of this okay?
He asked me to marry him three days ago, and now he’s refusing to see me or talk to
me. In what world is that okay or normal or explainable? I’ve wracked my brain trying
to figure out what could’ve happened and I can’t. Nothing makes sense. I mean something
happened after he dropped me off here on Sunday but for the life of me, I can’t imagine
what it could be that would make him act this way.”

“I’ve been thinking too. I know you don’t want to hear this but do you think Alejandra
is involved? Or another woman?”

“I thought about that. I doubt Alejandra is involved. I don’t know why, I just don’t
see that. As far as another woman goes, I don’t see him cheating on me on the night
after he asked me to marry him or on a normal Monday afternoon, but I guess it’s possible.
If you would’ve asked me Sunday if I thought Julian would ever get drunk, avoid my
calls, ask his brother to lie for him and refuse to see me, I would’ve said hell no.
But that’s what’s happened.”

“I’m so sorry. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I really do.
Can I do anything?”

“You could go with me to his condo to get my stuff. I don’t want anything of mine
there. I’m not going into work today and I really don’t want to go alone.”

“Really, you want to get your stuff? Before you’ve talked? Don’t you think you’re
overreacting? This isn’t over.”

“To me it is. I don’t want to do this, Mari. I can’t. I can’t make it through something
like this again. I’m not strong enough. Julian is obviously not the man I thought
he was.”

She shrugs her shoulders. She can’t argue with anything I’ve said.

“When do you want to go?”

“I figure he’ll be at work by nine, so any time after that is okay.” It suddenly occurs
to me that she has to work. “But you have to work so never mind.”

“I’ll go in late. I have a few sales calls to go on anyway. Nobody will miss me. We
can leave at nine. I’ll drive and bring you back.”

I nod. I’m so lucky she’s my friend. I get up and take a shower. I feel a little better
after and force myself to eat some toast. I put on a pair of khaki shorts, a multicolored,
striped t-shirt, and a pair of red Toms. I don’t bother with makeup and put my hair
in a ponytail. We walk out the door at nine. I still haven’t checked my phone.

We pull up to the Bellavista and I make Marissa find parking out on the street. I
have a key to get into the garage but I’ve already started to separate myself from
this and I want the distance. We walk into the lobby and Axel is working the desk.
I wave, act like it’s a normal day, and head to the elevators. He waves back and goes
about his business. This is all so odd. Yesterday I couldn’t get by him.

When we’re in the elevator I go over the plan with Marissa. We’re going to get in
and get out as quickly as possible. When we get to Julian’s door, I put the key in
the lock and take a deep breath. This is going to be hard. As I’m turning the key
the door opens and Julian is standing in front of me. He looks like hell. He looks
like he’s been up all night. He looks like I feel. I’m shocked to see him. I really
didn’t think he’d be here. I’m sure Axel called up and told him I was coming up. Damn
it.

I don’t know what to say and words won’t come out anyway. He just stands there and
looks at me and then at Marissa. It’s incredibly awkward and I feel horrible she’s
here and involved. I notice him look at my hand. A pained expression crosses his face
when he sees I’m not wearing the ring.

I take a deep breath and push the words out. I need to break the deafening silence.

“I’d like to get my things.”

He steps to the side, indicating I can come in. I turn and look at Marissa. She looks
worried and confused. She’s scared for me.

“Mari, wait for me in the lobby, please. I’ll be right down.”

At first she shakes her head but then relents.

“Are you sure, Lex?”

I offer a small smile and nod. Then I turn and walk in alone. She doesn’t need to
be a part of this.

I walk right past Julian and straight to his room. I head into the closet and start
pulling my stuff off of the hangers. I grab the bag I keep there and start throwing
things in it. Julian doesn’t follow me in and hasn’t said a word. It’s so surreal.
My heart is pounding and I’m sweating. I’m also amazed at how much stuff I’ve left
here over the last few weeks. I cram as much as I can in the bag and zip it up. I
see an empty shopping bag in the corner and use that too. It barely fits.

When I walk out of the closet, I find Julian sitting on his bed with his head in his
hands. He hears me come out and looks up. I set the bags down and pause in the middle
of the room. I’m waiting for him to say something. Anything. Again, the silence is
deafening.

“Have you turned on your phone today?” His voice sounds a little accusatory and it
pisses me off.

“No.”

“I didn’t think so. I told you I was here and asked you to come over. You looked surprised
when I answered the door.”

“I stopped waiting for your call around eight last night. That’s when I decided I
didn’t want to talk to you anymore. I still don’t. If I would’ve known you were here
I wouldn’t have come.”

I try to keep my voice calm and devoid of emotion but I know he can hear the hurt
under the anger.

I hear him exhale as I walk over to the nightstand next to his bed. I take the box
holding my engagement ring out of my pocket and set it down. I set it next to the
picture of us at the beach. Then I turn the picture face down. I want to be strong,
but I can’t keep the tears from falling. I know whatever Julian is going to say is
going to destroy me. That’s why he hasn’t made any attempt to be near me. I turn back
around and let him see my face. I want him to hurt. He looks as distraught as I do.
His eyes are wet and his words quiet. It doesn’t make me feel any better.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say to you right now. We need to talk and
I can’t find the words. I don’t want to hurt you, baby.”

I can’t help but snicker. “Too late. I don’t have any idea what happened since you
dropped me off at home two days ago, but I know I’m done. I can’t be with someone
who acts like this. I don’t even know who you are right now. Maybe I never did.”

“You know me better than anyone and you know that. I want to explain but it’s so fucking
hard. It’s going to break your heart, and I can’t do it.”

“Just fucking say it already, Julian. Be a man. You obviously regret asking me to
marry you. I get it. But don’t worry. You’re off the hook.”

He stands up and moves to me. He looks a little stunned by what I said.

“That’s what you think? That I don’t want to marry you?” He reaches out to embrace
me and I step back and push his arms away.

“You couldn’t be farther from the truth. I meant every word I said on Saturday. I
want to spend the rest of my life with you. But, you might not feel the same way anymore.”

I try and quickly process what he’s saying. What could’ve happened that would make
me not want to marry him? He knows how much I love him. If he hasn’t changed his mind
about marrying me, there’s only one other explanation for his behavior. Deep down
I really don’t believe what I’m about to say, but I’m so confused.

“What happened? Did you cheat on me? Did some girl threaten to tell me? Are you worried
I’m going to find out you’ve been fucking someone behind my back.” My voice gets louder
with each question.

One look in his eyes and I know I’m on to something. My heart begins a free-fall through
my body and shatters at my feet.

“Oh my God! You did! After everything we’ve been through, how could you do that to
me? To us?”

“I didn’t cheat on you. I haven’t been with anyone else since before we met.”

Something in the way he says before makes me pause. This is about a woman he was with
before me. Alejandra? Victoria? Or is this about the woman he was almost with that
night before my birthday?

“It’s another woman. You still have feelings for another woman. Alejandra? Victoria?
Who, Julian?”

I’m thinking all of these things on the fly. I haven’t had time to process any of
this and nothing is making sense to me.

A look of utter frustration crosses Julian’s face. He pulls me to him and doesn’t
let go this time. I let him hold me. He looks down at me and in his eyes I see him
begging me to believe his next words.

“Damn it, Lexie. How many times do I have to tell you there isn’t anyone else for
me? Sólo te amo a ti. You mean absolutely everything to me. Me tienes que creer.”

He wants me to believe I’m the only one? That he only loves me? The words do make
me feel better, and for a moment I’m comforted by his acknowledgement that he still
wants me. As long as he loves me and only me I can handle whatever he’s going to tell
me. At least that’s what I tell myself during the moments I’m in his arms. I can feel
his heart beat against my chest, and he’s trembling softly.

I stay there for a few more moments, and he says nothing. It’s frustrating, and I
can’t wait anymore. I’ve been torn up by this for three days. I pull away from him
and take a step back.

“I’m tired of playing guessing games. I’m totally confused. Is someone holding something
over your head? Did an ex threaten you with something? Because if you love me and
want to marry me, I can’t figure out what the hell has been going on for the last
three days. What is it? Tell me already.”

No matter how prepared I thought I was, no matter how strong I’m trying to be, nothing,
and I mean nothing, could prepare me for the words that come out of Julian’s mouth.

“I’m going to be a dad.”

Chapter Twenty-Two

I hear the words but I can’t process them. It sounded like he just said he was going
to be a dad.

“What? I don’t understand. What are you saying?”

“Can you sit down so we can talk? Please.”

“I don’t want to sit down.”

I want to run the hell out of here and back to a place and time where those words
don’t exist.

Julian takes my hand and leads me the few steps toward the bed. I really am in shock.
He sits next to me and keeps holding my hand. He tries to at least. I pull it away.
He looks hurt by my rejection.

“I don’t know where to start. I’ve been avoiding you because I don’t know how to tell
you all of this.”

I’ve always found Julian to be compassionate and sensitive to my feelings, and Lord
knows he’s always been patient with me. However, right now, he sounds weak and it’s
a total turn off. It refuels my anger and the shock starts to fade away. I grab ahold
of the anger coursing through my body and pull it tight against me like a shield.
It feels comforting and I know why. Angry is better than devastated.

“Start from the damn beginning. How’s that for a plan? Explain to me, the woman you
just asked to marry, how in the world you’re going to be a dad when I sure as hell
know I’m not pregnant.”

He recoils a bit when he hears my biting tone. “The sarcasm isn’t going to help.”

The laugh that comes out of me is bitter.

“Oh nothing is going to help. You don’t get to call the shots here. I’ll act anyway
I choose. You have.”

I see the frustration building in him and it fortifies my anger and resolve.

He takes a deep breath but doesn’t argue.

“When I got to work on Monday, Caroline was waiting for me.”

Caroline? My mind takes a rapid fire trip through the list of women I’ve heard about
from Julian’s past and I come to a screeching halt when I get to the tall, blonde
woman he was with at the club the first night we were together. I think back to that
night. She didn’t look pregnant, but I can’t remember what she was wearing. She’s
tall and thin and maybe she was able to hide it.

“The woman you were with the first night we were together?”

“I wasn’t with her that night, but yes. I hadn’t seen her since that night and she
didn’t look pregnant to me then, but I guess she was wearing baggy clothes. Anyway,
she came to tell me she’s almost eight months pregnant and the baby is mine.”

“And you just believed her?”

Somehow my mind is in rational mode and this seems like a valid question.

“Not at first. I had questions. But, the timing fits. I was with her when she would’ve
gotten pregnant, and she’s not the kind of girl who sleeps around. She wouldn’t lie
about this.”

Whoa! Who is this man in front of me? The Julian I know isn’t trusting or easily fooled.
How in the world did she convince him without proof? Or maybe there is proof. Maybe
he knew this the whole time. I try and trip him up to see if he’s lying about just
finding out.

“Again, I ask, you just believed her? That’s so not like you, Julian. Any proof?”

“Lexie, I’m not sure what proof you think I would have in two days besides her word.
They can’t do a paternity test until after the baby is born. If I have any questions
then, I’ll make sure it’s done.”

I’m livid he’s so resigned to this truth. I keep pushing and my words come out in
a hiss.

“And the whole, ‘I haven’t had sex without a condom in eight years’ story you told
me was bullshit?”

A look of guilt passes through Julian’s eyes. It’s subtle but I see it.

“No, it was true. We had a night where the condom malfunctioned. I guess that’s when
it happened.”

“Malfunctioned? Like it broke? How? From fucking too hard? We fucked pretty hard and
it never broke on us. Or did you just not put it on right? I’ve watched you. You know
what you’re doing.”

My words are immature and not helping but I can’t stop myself. I’m trying to hold
onto the anger because when it’s gone I’m going to break into a million pieces.

Julian is staring at me and watching as I spin out of control. He doesn’t respond
so I keep going.

“So you had sex with her a couple of times, the condom broke once, and she shows up
here eight months later pregnant claiming it’s yours? And that doesn’t sound fishy
to you?”

I need him to see all the angles here. I can’t believe he’s just taking her word for
it.

“Do you think I’m stupid, Lexie? That I’m that gullible? I asked her all the questions
you can think of and it makes sense. I know you don’t want to hear it, but it does.”

“It’s not easy to get pregnant, Julian. Most women don’t get pregnant right away.
It usually happens when people are sleeping together regularly.”

As the words are coming out of my mouth the expression on Julian’s face changes. He
looks guilty all of a sudden and just like that it becomes crystal clear.

“Oh my God. I’m such an idiot. You were sleeping with her regularly. You were in a
relationship with her, weren’t you? That’s why you know her so well and why you believe
her. I’m so fucking stupid. All of the ‘Julian hasn’t been in a relationship forever’
speeches were total bullshit. You’ve been lying to me this whole time. When did you
stop seeing her, Julian? That night? The night we fucked for the first time?”

Julian’s starting to lose his composure now and his voice is raised when he replies.

“I’m not going to talk about that night with you. Not like this. You’re angry and
I get it but I didn’t do this to you intentionally. I didn’t mean for this to happen.
I didn’t cheat on you and I didn’t lie to you about anything. I never said we were
together only once or twice. I said we weren’t in a relationship and we weren’t. It
was casual and she knew that. It’s why we stopped seeing each other. She wanted more
and I didn’t. This wasn’t planned, Lexie and it would be nice for a change if you
would think about how this affects someone other than yourself.”

His words hit home. He’s right. He didn’t do this to me. If the dates are right, I
wasn’t even on his radar. I’m not sure I buy the whole ‘it was casual’ thing at the
moment though. And I also don’t really think it’s fair to ask me not to think about
how this affects me. This changes everything and I’m crumbling inside so I continue
to lash out.

“Excuse me for not saying the right things. I haven’t had the luxury of a few days
to let it all sink in. While you were dealing with this, I was at home, trying to
figure out why you wouldn’t see or talk to me.”

“I’m not asking you to be okay with any of this. I’m just asking you to stay calm
so we can work through this.”

“Work through this? We can’t work through this, Julian. It’s a baby, not a math problem.”
An icy, sarcastic laugh slips out. “Or maybe it is. You plus Caroline plus a baby
makes three. Not four.”

I stand up and begin to walk away from the bed. I have to get out of here. I can’t
even think straight. Julian grabs my hand and pleads, “Please don’t walk out on me,
Lexie. Not now. Not after all the times I’ve been there for you.”

I look down at him and see the tears that are threatening to spill out of his eyes.
He looks wrecked by this. I can’t help myself, and I wrap my arms around him. I love
this man with every single ounce of my being and he’s hurting. He’s been there for
me time after time and I owe him this. So, with a voice that barely sounds like mine
I tell him I’ll stay. I text Marissa and tell her to go home. She wants to know what
happened but I can’t tell her the truth, at least not yet, so I lie and say it has
something to do with his dad. I feel like if I can somehow keep this truth from spreading,
its impact will be less. It’s crazy thinking and deep down I know it, but I’m hanging
onto a shred of hope this will turn out okay.

For the next few hours we talk about what has happened in the last three days. He
recounts the whole story word for word of what Caroline told him and what he said
back. He tells me how he came right home and tried to figure out how he was going
to tell me. He tells me how he couldn’t come up with the right way to tell me so he
called Danny for help. He tells me how they ended up getting drunk and how, as the
hours went by, it became harder and harder to find the words. He tells me how sorry
he is over and over: for ignoring me, for refusing to see me, for hurting me. He apologizes
for not being man enough to tell me immediately what had happened. He tells me things
aren’t going to change and that Caroline knows about me and doesn’t expect anything
from him. I just listen. And I nod sometimes. I’m trying to keep it together for him
and for me, but inside I want to scream. He’s in total denial, and for once, I’m not.

He barely lets go of my hand the whole time we’re talking. He constantly reaches out
and touches my face or my arm. He even slips my engagement ring back on my finger,
as if we can just move on as planned. He places sweet kisses on my lips and keeps
hugging me. He thinks the physical contact will hold us together and act as the glue
that will save us from this situation. I know better and so should he. I tried to
use our intense physical connection as a band aid the first few months of our relationship
when emotionally I was struggling. It never worked. He knows that but he’s still trying
to pretend our whole world didn’t just get turned on its axis.

The rest of the night turns into a blur. I’m completely overwhelmed as I try to be
the loving, supportive fiancé Julian needs, rather than the terrified, hurt fiancé
that was just told the world as she knows it doesn’t exist anymore. I even manage
not to cry … at all. I think I fool him into believing I think we can figure this
out. I really don’t, but I’m going to try.

And try is what I do for the next few days. I go to work and talk to my friends and
act like nothing happened. I can’t even utter the words, “Julian is having a baby
with another woman” out loud. My friends keep pressuring me for details about what
happened those few days, but I hold them off with vague comments about Julian’s family.
I feel bad lying, but once this is all out in the universe, I’m going to have to deal
with all of their questions and opinions, and I can’t handle that yet. I’m barely
hanging on.

Julian lets it go for the first couple of days. I assume if he’s talking to her, he’s
doing it when I’m not around. He tries to act normal, but he’s so stressed it shows
on his face and in his voice. On Saturday night, three days after he broke the news
to me, and one week after we got engaged, he corners me in bathroom as I’m getting
ready for bed. I worked all day and chose to stay in and lay low tonight. Julian arranged
it so he didn’t need to be at the hotel.

“We need to talk about this. You’re acting like everything is fine, and I appreciate
that you’re trying to be supportive, but we both know you’re going to explode if you
don’t talk to me, or someone about this.”

I had told him earlier today I still hadn’t told anyone about the baby. He has only
told Danny, not his parents. I’m not sure what he’s waiting for.

“You get upset when I freak out and now you’re questioning why I’m so calm. Which
Alexa would you like me to be? I’ll see if I can bring her out to join the party.”

Julian frowns when he hears the sarcasm in my voice. “I want you to be the Alexa that
cares, the one who doesn’t shut down and go dark. If that’s the freaking out Alexa,
then that’s the one I want. At least she feels.”

“Go dark? I’m right here. I haven’t left your side in case you haven’t noticed.”

Go dark, really?

“You haven’t and that’s great. I’ve noticed. I’ve also noticed you a have a fake smile
glued to your face. I’ve also noticed you haven’t really let me touch you in three
days. I’ve also noticed how you’re avoiding your family and friends. I’ve also noticed
you’ve done everything you can to keep us from really talking about this, about the
baby.”

My heart sinks when he says the words, “the baby”. It’s easier for me to deal with
this situation when I focus on the other woman, not the baby. The baby is innocent
and I don’t want to feel resentment towards it. I do, but it makes me feel like an
awful person, so I try not to go there.

“Your powers of observation never cease to amaze me. It looks like you’re spending
a lot of time focusing on me. I’m fine. Perhaps you should spend some more time focusing
on Caroline and your baby. I’d think you’d have a lot of stuff to figure out.”

Julian cringes when he hears me put an emphasis on the words “your” baby.

“You, we, are my focus. You can be as sarcastic as you want, but you know I know you.
Can we talk about this, please?”

He does know me and I know he’s right. We do need to talk about this whole fucked
up situation. We spent the first night talking about how we were feeling about it,
but not how we were going to deal with it in real life. I haven’t brought it up, or
I’ve avoided it like the plague, because I have no freaking idea how to deal with
any of it.

“What would you like to talk about Julian? You know I’m not thrilled about this. You
know I’m jealous and insecure and hate that another woman is in our lives, forever.
Do you want to talk about where the crib is going to go? If you get to help pick a
name? How often you get to see the baby? If you’re going to be in the delivery room?
I started out calm, but when I really let myself start to verbalize the millions of
questions that have been running through my head non-stop, I can’t keep the emotion
out of my voice. He wanted freak out Alexa and now he’s going to get her. “Breast
or bottle? Oh wait, you don’t need to talk about those things with me, because it’s
not my baby.”

Oh shit, here come the tears. I knew the minute I opened up about how I was really
feeling, this would happen. The pain I’ve been feeling since Monday comes pouring
out in torrents. I walk out of the bathroom and sit on the floor next to his bed.
Julian sits down next to me and takes me in his arms. He doesn’t say anything for
a while. He just holds me and lets me cry. I assume he’s thinking about all of the
questions I threw out. They’re real questions that need real answers, and the reality
is, I’m not the person who gets to answer them. I’m an outsider. There’s no way around
that and I think it just really hit Julian for the first time.