Hold the Roses (35 page)

Doris had just lost her husband, so I sort of felt a kinship based on that
alone. She was wonderful to work with and we became very good friends.
She's so good that people take her for granted, as far as her talent is concerned. She's really very, very professional and she knows what she's doing,
plus she's got a way about her that you just like her immediately. We worked
well together. I would always tease her about her dogs-she had twenty-six
at that time!

I would also make fun of her that she always got up so early. She's a
morning person and I'm a night person; when I would go to work, it was
dark, and the CBS gate man would always say, "Good morning," and I
would always say, "Looks like last night," and he would always laugh.

I used to tell Doris, "I'm going around shaking trees so no birds will
sleep."

She'd laugh and say, "Oh, you."

But she'd always ask me if I had seen the show on the night it was on,
and I always had. I told her what I thought of the show and she'd say, "I
know I can always count on you for an honest answer." We had a ball for
three years. I loved working with her. She's quite a gal!

After my poodle, Pete, died, I didn't want a dog for a while. I'd always
had dogs, but my life had changed so much and I didn't think I wanted
one. Doris, found about this and nagged me until Noop went to the pound
and found me a bearded Collie called Scruffy. He looked just like his
name... a great dog. Noop would never let me go to the pound for fear that
I would bring ten dogs home. I used to bring Scruffy to the studio every once in a while, and I made Doris his godmother. Doris would bring three
or four dogs a day-every day different dogs, but they were so well behaved. She kept them in her bungalow and they never barked while we
were shooting.

With Doris Day

I love anybody who knows his or her craft, and Doris is one of the
best. We would get different directors and she could size them up the first
day.

She'd say to me, "Watch."

She'd say to the director, "I think this should be a two-shot," and if
the director said, "Oh yes, sure dear, whatever you want, dear," she'd say,
"Oops." She would lose respect for him.

If the director agreed with her and said, "If you want a two-shot, fine,
but I was going to do two close-ups," she'd say, "He knows what he's doing." I learned a lot from her too, and I'm forever grateful.

One day I carried my alligator bag in a scene. She noticed it and said,
"I sure hope that's not real alligator."

I said, "For what I paid for it, it better be."

She looked at me as if I had killed the alligator personally. Then I said
to her, "Did you know that the female alligator lays three hundred eggs at
a time and that the male alligator eats two hundred and seventy five of
those three hundred eggs?"

Doris said, "Really?"

I continued, "If the male alligator didn't eat two hundred and seventy five of those three hundred eggs, then you'd be up to your ass in
alligators."

She looked at me and again went, "Oh, you."

I have to say again, she was wonderful. We still keep in touch with
one another.

After the first year of working with Doris, I decided to do a play at
the Pheasant Run Playhouse near Chicago. I did a play called Everybody
Loves Opal. I took Joy Tierney with me, the wardrobe lady on The Doris
Day Show. Joy and I became very good friends, and we still are to this day.
I would always try to take her with me-it was fun to be with her and she
took care of me like a mother hen. Her husband Johnny was the dearest
man I ever knew. Joy is English and Johnny was Scottish. They looked like
the couple on top of a wedding cake... adorable! Joy was with me for the
Pheasant Run show. In it, I had a very quick change, which we did backstage in forty seconds! She's great as a wardrobe lady, but she's the best
friend you could ever have. I'm very lucky to have her as a friend.

On opening night, Doris sent flowers and a telegram. In fact, most of
the people from The Doris Day Show sent wires; they were a nice bunch of
people. I played the show for six weeks, we did good business, and then we
went back to California. Peter came up one weekend to see the show and we
were together for three days. It was nice. It was nice to have someone, period.

The second year of The Doris Day Show went well, and we were in the
top ten that summer. I went to Sydney, Australia, for four weeks to play
the Chevron Hotel. The Dick Van Dyke Show had been a big hit in Australia. Morey had played there and was a smash. My act was in good shape
and I took the date. It was the biggest mistake of my life! I took Donn
Trenner with me. Buddy Freed was working with Dorothy Shay. As long as
I wasn't doing too much club work, I told Buddy to go with someone who
was working a lot. When the Australia date came up, I called Donn. He
was just great, and he kept my morale up when it was the lowest. Donn
had worked with Lena Horne, Ann-Margret, and Shirley MacLaine. He was one of the top conductors in the business. Peter saw me off at the
airport and off we went. I was supposed to play four weeks and do two TV
shows. It was a long flight, and we arrived about 7:00 A.M.

Was I shocked when Gordon MacRae met me at the airport-at 7:00
A.M. I was so glad to see him. We hugged and all that, and he rode with
Donn and me to the hotel. He kept warning me about this date, which I
thought was strange. He said he didn't go over too well, because they expected him to do what he did in the movies with Doris Day. So he was a
little disgusted. He said the audiences were nice, but the critics rapped the
hell out of him and cancelled his two TV shows. I said, "Great-what did
I get myself into?"

He introduced me to some lovely people and they were most kind to
me and told me not to worry. Everything would be fine. We had a little
party for Gordie and he went back to California. The publicity was great
for me, because The Dick Van Dyke Show was a big hit in Australia-pictures, interviews, the works. The band was good. At rehearsal, they were
amazed that I had book covers for the music. Everyone had a part and I
had good arrangements. I told them, "Who have you had here, Bozo the
Clown?" We rehearsed well and I felt pretty secure. The manager of the
hotel watched the rehearsal and wanted to talk to me after I had finished.

I sat down and he said, "How long is your show?"

I said, "How long do you want it?"

He said, "Forty-five minutes."

I said, "Fine."

He said, "Do you do anything from The Dick Van Dyke Show?"

I said, "Like what?"

He said, "You know, scenes with you and Buddy."

I was floored. I said, "How can I do that without Buddy?" I figured
he didn't know him by his name, Morey Amsterdam-so I said to myself,
Dn dealing with an idiot.

He said, "Don't talk to the audience-they don't like that."

I said, "What if they talk to me?"

He said, "I guess you'll have to answer them."

I said, "Make up your mind."

Then he said, "No kangaroo jokes and don't say you're happy to be
here. The people hate that and think you're making fun of them."

I said, "Why don't I just fall off the roof and you can cancel me?" He
thought I was an idiot.

Opening night. Flowers from Bob Crosby, who had a TV show in
town. Peter sent flowers, of course, as did the people I met with Gordon.
Gordon sent a wire that said, "Screw `em, Baby."

Well, I opened. It was about half a house. The band was good, my
songs went over, the jokes went over, and it seemed to go very well. The
audience started yelling, "How's Dick Van Dyke?" I had to answer. I said,
"He's fine, and sends his love to all of you in Australia." I realized I had
broken two of the so-called "rules"-talking to the audience and mentioning Australia. But I figured, What the hell, I didn't start it, the audience was
yelling up questions. What could I do? I tried to make a joke out of everything and it seemed to go over. I got a nice hand and that was it.

Donn thought it was great. What was I worried about? We did the
second show and it went about the same-I got a good hand. I went upstairs to my room to get undressed. The manager called me to meet him
downstairs in the lounge, which I did.

The greeting I got was, "Didn't I tell you not to talk to the audience?
And you talked about Australia."

I said, "I couldn't help it, the audience started asking me questions."

The publicity gal was more of a publicity man, and she said, "Why
do you wear such sexy gowns?"

I said, "Me? Sexy? I'm wearing ballerina full skirts ankle length, short
sleeves or long sleeves- whichever gown I was wearing-and no cleavage.
What do you mean, sexy?"

She said, "They're too sexy. You should wear street clothes like you do
on The Dick Van Dyke Show."

I got up from the table and said, "You people are impossible. Why
don't you cancel me?" They didn't say a word and then I said, "I don't want
to throw countries at you, but in America, if you do a show like The Dick
Van Dyke Show, you play a character. If you do a nightclub act, you'd better
have an act-and I have a good one! If you are a panelist on a game show,
you act like a panelist, and if you're in a movie, you play another character.
I'm doing my nightclub act as Rose Marie-me-if you don't like it, cancel me." And I went to my room.

I called Donn and said, "Let's go someplace for coffee."

He said, "Okay."

We met in the lobby and went to some joint and I had my tea. I'm
glad I didn't cry telling Donn what happened, I was so damn mad. I talked
it all out. He was amazed that they could be so stupid. I went up to my room and wrote Peter, trying to explain what happened. Now I was waiting for the reviews!

They weren't good and they weren't bad. They said I sang well and
was dressed beautifully and had a few funny things to say, but I really
wasn't what they expected. I looked like I was a nice, friendly person and
all that, but they wished that America would stop sending over acts that
aren't what Australia wants or expects. Well! Now they were making me a
bad ambassador of America-and I really got mad.

Donn called and said, "Fig 'em. What do they know?"

I said, "Yeah, but I've got to go through four weeks of this jazz."

When I went down to do the show that night, the band applauded
me backstage. "Don't pay attention to them, honey, you've got the best act
we've had here in years," one of them said, obviously on behalf of the
whole band.

I said, "Thanks, but I've got to go through this for four weeks."

One of the guys said, "Do the show for us-we love doing your show."

I didn't want to cry, but it was rough going on to do the show that
night. I went out and did Australian jokes, I talked to the audience, I did
everything they told me not to do-and by God, the audiences loved it! I
mentioned the critics and said that they watch too much TV-that they
should get out more often. I had a ball and felt a hell of a lot better. When
I came off stage, even the band applauded-and they never do that!

I got a call between shows from the manager, saying he thought I was
very rude. I told him I thought he was stupid and maybe he should get a
job as a butcher. I went to my room and I never spoke to him again or to
that so-called publicity wo-man.

I called Bill Loeb and begged him to get me out of the date. I couldn't
go on like this for four weeks. I'd be a mental case. He said he'd try. He had
never heard me talk like that before-and oh by the way: I was told that I
had been nominated for an Emmy for the last year of The Dick Van Dyke
Show. That made three nominations. Maybe this year a living person would
win it, but I was too upset to think about that.

I called Peter and told him how miserable I was and that as soon as I
got home, we would get married. He was happy and just said, "Do the best
you can and forget it." Which wasn't what I wanted to hear.

Donn Trenner and I were together all the time, and thank God for
him. We had a few laughs and tried to make the best of this mess. Bill Loeb
called and said that they couldn't get anyone to replace me. The hotel would not permit it. So I stuck out the four weeks. They cancelled my two
TV shows-just like they had with Gordon-so I didn't do them. Great
country, Australia. When you get your visa, it's made from the time you
arrive and the exact date of your departure. You can't stay fifteen seconds
over. They're funny people. Nice and all that, but very leery of anybody
who isn't Australian and who says they love or even like Australia.