Holding a Tender Heart (42 page)

And it would go on—though dramatically changed. The trial was a foregone conclusion as things stood now. Joe was going to jail because the
Englisha
court would never believe his side of the story without a witness. And Paul was forbidden to testify. And even if he did, there was that second witness who would testify that both Paul and Joe left the bar early on the nights in question.

Nee
, Paul's testimony would no longer do any
gut
even if he could. Debbie herself had admitted that to Verna. Joe might go to jail for years.

There were moments when bitter thoughts overcame Verna despite her best efforts. If Paul had been allowed to testify, maybe the jury would have believed Joe's story even with the bar owner's word against them. But she mustn't think these thoughts. They were the ones that kept her awake at night. They ate at her. She ought to say them to someone so the sting of their barbs would be less effective, but she didn't dare. Such words had never come out of her mouth before. Even Lois, in her most rebellious moods, didn't speak against the counsel of the church leaders. Would she be the one to set the example for Lois to follow?
Nee
, she must not, Verna decided for the hundredth time. Such a path led nowhere she wished to go. And Lois would likely follow her example and use the same excuses. Only Lois would end up in the
Englisha
world and never return.

Nee
, she must be strong. She must learn to accept
Da Hah
's will. But how escaped her grasp. How did one watch a living death and accept it? How did one not scream protests and writhe with the agony of its pain? Joe would never be the man he once was. Not after years spent in a dark,
Englisha
jail. All that time he'd live without the comforting hand of his people to walk with him. And, of course, the
bann
would be placed on him. Minister Kanagy already had his plans in place, she was certain. The
Englisha
jury would no more then hand down its verdict before Minister Kanagy would act.

At least she knew what to expect at the trial, thanks to Debbie's careful descriptions. And Debbie had said anyone could attend. Verna decided no one would keep her away, even if Minister Kanagy took it into his head to forbid such a thing. But surely even he wouldn't go that far. He wouldn't forbid her to share in Joe's final shame. No man of her people was so heartless.

She would sit in the courtroom and listen to Joe tell his story on the witness stand. And she would believe him even when the guilty verdict came back. Even when the whispers of the Amish community rose around her. Already that was happening, although no one spoke directly to her about it at the Sunday meetings. She wouldn't have blamed them if they had. If this had been anyone but Joe, she might have said the same things. She could even imagine the words…

“This doesn't look
gut
at all.”

“They say there's an upstanding
Englisha
witness testifying.”

“I never thought Joe was
gut
at lying.”

“No wonder Rosy cut off their relationship.”

“Rosy's woman's intuition was working, I would say.”

“That Verna's blinded by her fear of being an old maid.”

“
Yah
, there are not many chances left for her, you know.”

And yet Verna knew Joe was innocent. She would stand by him no matter what. She stared at the darkened wall of the bedroom. From what Debbie said, a guilty verdict could bring a long prison sentence. Longer than even she could imagine. Fifteen or twenty years, maybe. The raw number stared back at her from the darkness. She would wait for Joe. They would be wed after he came out and made things right with the church. Her years of childbearing would be close to an end by then, but perhaps
Da Hah
would have mercy and still grant them a child. Were not
Da Hah
's compassions new every day? She had to believe they were or she would lose her mind.

Verna climbed out of bed and knelt to pray. “O dear
Hah
, this is a burden too much for me. I can't carry it, and yet I can't let go of it.
I see my life with Joe as it could have been. We were so happy with each other. Like we had finally found what both of us were looking for. Surely this was not a sin? Did You not plant this love in our hearts? Why then are You allowing it to be torn away?”

Verna was unable to continue. The pain of what she hadn't dared dwell on throbbed in her heart. Joe's trial would be held very close to the date they had originally chosen for their wedding—the last week of November.

Verna's voice choked as she managed to pray again. “O dear
Hah
, what have Joe and I done to bring this upon our heads? Is this really Your will? How can it be? And yet it must be. You control the world and all that is in it. You name the stars and know the thoughts of every man. How can You not see our pain? You must see it! And You must know that it's for our best. Oh, I cannot bear this, and yet I must believe in You.”

Verna pulled her head up as soft footsteps came from the hallway. Her sobs must have disturbed someone. She crept into bed and pulled the covers over her head even as a timid knock came at the door. When Verna didn't answer, it was repeated.

“Come in,” she said, trying to sound sleepy.

Debbie's face appeared in the soft starlight that flittered past the drapes on the open bedroom window. “Were you crying, Verna?”

I'm crying all the time
, Verna wanted to say.

Her hesitation gave her away. Debbie came in and sat on her bed. “We can talk, you know. Sometimes that helps.”

“I think I've found some peace, Debbie. I don't want to keep you up.”

Debbie didn't move away. “You haven't been sleeping much lately, have you?”

Verna didn't answer. Debbie didn't need the details of her travails thrown upon her.

Debbie found Verna's hand in the darkness. “I think that's like most nights, isn't it? So why don't we talk about it?”

Verna struggled to sit up. “You know what's going to happen. You told me yourself.”

“There's always the hope the jury will believe Joe's testimony. And perhaps I shouldn't tell you this, but…” Debbie squeezed Verna's hand. “I didn't want to give you false hope. But my guess is Joe's lawyer, Ms. Hatcher, will subpoena Paul. She's a tough cookie, and she'll do her job. After that Paul will have to testify regardless of what the ministers say. And you and Joe will have a chance, Verna.”

Verna clung to Debbie's hand. “I'm sure Joe has told his lawyer by now that Paul is not to testify.”

Debbie shrugged. “The lawyer has to act in the best interest of her client. Joe doesn't have final control over the people she calls to testify.”

“But Paul will not speak.”

“They'll make him.” Debbie sighed. “I wasn't trying to make you feel worse, Verna. And I know there are no guarantees.”

“Then you must tell the lawyer that she can't call Paul to testify. You're from the
Englisha
, she will listen to you.”

“But, Verna, this may be your best chance for Joe to go free.”

“
Nee
, you're wrong, Debbie,” Verna whispered. “If Paul is called to the stand, he will refuse to testify no matter what the
Englisha
court says. And that will look very bad for Joe. Besides, Debbie,
Da Hah
is my last chance, and I have made my peace with Him. We must not destroy another life trying to save our own. I'm glad you have told me this. None of us know the strange ways of the
Englisha
court. So you must go to Joe's lawyer and tell her that she must not do this…this
subpoena
thing. Surely she will respect our wishes. Tell her I will wait for Joe while he's in jail—until
Da Hah
's will has been accomplished. Tell her that Joe's heart won't fail him because he will know that he's loved.”

“But, Verna!” Debbie protested. “This is a great sacrifice. And Ms. Hatcher might not listen anyway.”

“You will still tell her, Debbie. Please? I have prayed tonight, and
what
Da Hah
has decided is
gut
enough for me. And I'm sure Joe feels the same way. If you doubt me, you may go ask Joe before you carry my request to his lawyer.”

“I'll think about it,” Debbie finally said.

Verna pushed Debbie's hand away. “I've kept you up long enough now. The road ahead may be hard and long, but
Da Hah
will walk with us as He has for so many others. There have been those of our people who lost loved ones to death for reasons they couldn't understand. What we are being asked to carry is not an unreasonable load. Go now, Debbie. And thank you for doing this for me.
Da Hah
has you here for a reason. I know that even more now.”

Debbie retreated and closed the door behind her with a soft click.

Verna lay back on the bed. Finally peace had come to her heart. She had found acceptance, but at what cost? She had expected joy to come with the peace or perhaps have light cast on the future. But there was none of that. Just the soft stream of starlight that shone through her bedroom window. Her soul felt light and held up by strong arms.
Da Hah has come near
, she thought. And what He would do, she would accept. It was the way of her people, and the way it should be. She closed her eyes and soon drifted off to sleep.

Forty

D
ebbie paced the floor at Destiny Relocation Services. She'd been at her desk most of the day coordinating the moving crews. They had a record number of jobs this week, including two long-distance moves. One relocation went into Texas, and the other to Florida. These required arranging motels for the crews and monitoring their progress. The crew bosses were both longtime employees of Mr. Fulton's and reliable, so her stress wasn't work related. Rather it was Joe and Verna and their situation that weighed on her. She'd finally finagled another meeting out of Joe's attorney, Ms. Hatcher. Their appointment was for today after work.

The truth was, she'd put the meeting off for some time even after she'd finally promised Verna she would contact the lawyer. Only Verna's whispered question a few days ago, “Have you spoken with the lawyer yet?” forced her hand. She had made the phone call.

It seemed such a shame to throw away what little hope there was to turn the case in Joe's favor. And she wasn't certain Ms. Hatcher would follow Verna's request, but it was likely. The weight of her client's wishes, his family, his church, and now his fiancée might be enough to tilt the balance that direction. Debbie would deliver the message to Ms. Hatcher. That was her duty to Verna.

Of all the lessons she'd learned so far from Amish life, this passive
acceptance of one's fate was the most difficult to grasp. This surrender of a situation to God when struggle seemed the best response was odd. Did the Beiler family expect a miracle? Some gift from heaven that would make this go away? If they did, they never said a word about it. Lately even Verna walked around with newfound peace on her face, though sorrow obviously still lay heavy on her shoulders. There were moments when a smile would flicker across her face. Sometimes this happened at evening devotions when her
daett
would read a passage. Last night Verna's reaction had occurred when a psalm had been read, the one where King David wrote, “Rejoice in the L
ORD
, O ye righteous: for praise is comely for the upright.”

Perhaps Verna's peace came from the righteousness of her soul? Debbie could think of no other explanation for a smile on such a sorrow-lined face. Indeed, the life Verna lived would have to make one feel righteous. She had surrendered the future and her innocent boyfriend into the hands of God. Debbie was sure Joe was innocent. If there had been any doubts in her mind, they had long flown away. Last Sunday at the church service, Joe had also appeared surrounded by peace. No guilty man would look so calm, Debbie told herself. Only the innocent could walk with that depth of humility.

Now she had one last appointment at the office today that must be gotten out of the way. Then she'd be done for the week. Someone had called the secretary two days ago wanting a meeting with Debbie for the last opening on Friday. The odd thing was that the man had given his name as Henry Yoder. But that made no sense to Debbie. Why would Henry wish to see her? But there were many Yoder families in Snyder County. The man could well be someone else who needed advice about moving.