Holding On (2 page)

“Come in, sweetie,” Marienne called.

Ella bounded into the room and landed on the bed with a flying leap. Daniel tucked the pregnancy tests beneath the covers.

“Can we make pancakes?” Ella asked, brushing her hair out of her eyes as she bobbed up and down.

“Yes,” Daniel answered, before Marienne could speak. “Let’s make a special breakfast for Mum today. Chocolate chip pancakes and Canadian bacon?” He studied Marienne’s expression, trying to assess if pregnancy had led to any cravings yet.
Pregnancy. We’re having a baby.

“That sounds perfect,” she said. “But I can make them.”

“We’ll do it, right Ella?”

Ella nodded and scrambled off the bed. “Come on, Daddy. Let’s go.”

Daddy.
She’d been calling him Daddy for months now, and his heart still swelled each time she said the word. Her father, Frank, had been dead for nearly two years. Ella had been so young that now he was nothing but a faint memory and some photographs. Daniel was ‘Daddy’.

Daniel had adored Ella since before she was born, had been at Marienne’s side as her loyal friend throughout the pregnancy, had helped care for Ella after her birth. Frank was never a hands-on parent. He’d been too busy with his job and his mistress to care about what Marienne and Ella were doing.

Daniel had been only too happy to help. He’d always dreamed of having a family, having children. Back then he’d assumed that being a friend and caregiver to Ella was as close as he’d ever get to parenting. He was married to Justine at the time, and she had made it clear that motherhood was not something she ever wanted to experience. It was one of the many, many reasons they’d eventually divorced.

“Daddy, hurry,” Ella called from downstairs. “I’m starving.”

He kissed Marienne. “I love you.”

She held him tight. “I love you.”

He reached up and took off his reading glasses. “You know,” he said, placing them on the nightstand. “I’m really, really liking these now.”

****

Daniel’s palms were sweating as he pulled into the parking lot at Central New Jersey Medical Center’s OB/GYN office. He’d opted to drive to work rather than rely on the train so he could head straight to the doctor’s office when he left NYU. He’d cancelled two afternoon student sessions to allow plenty of time for the commute back to Highland Park. Now he was forty minutes early. He took a deep breath and tried to steady his nerves.

Daniel hated doctors. When he was a child they made him think of being sick or needing shots, neither of which he liked. When he was a teenager, he associated them with his mother falling ill, and growing sicker. It had even been a doctor who’d told a devastated sixteen-year-old Daniel that she had passed. Now he was going to meet Marienne’s doctor. A high-risk pregnancy specialist, necessitated by Marienne’s having had placenta previa while carrying Ella.

His stomach tensed at the memories. Marienne had spent the latter part of her pregnancy on bed rest then one night had awoken bleeding. He could still remember running across his yard toward the flashing ambulance lights at her house, barefoot on the freezing cold January night, her screams echoing from inside the vehicle. She could have died. Ella could have died. But by some miracle they were both okay. The doctor at St. Peters who came out to the waiting room two hours later to inform Daniel and Frank that she and the baby were doing fine was the first doctor Daniel could ever recall liking. He hoped this new doctor today would also be likable. And competent.

He raked his hand through his hair and scanned the parking lot. No sign of Marienne’s car.
Of course not
. She was always on time, but she’d never get there that early. Not wanting to look too ridiculous sitting in the waiting room for half an hour he decided to wait in the car.

****

Marienne turned to the side and looked in the mirror. She lifted her shirt and ran her hand down her tummy. No bulge, yet. Though she did feel one inside. A tightness that wasn’t normally there—Daniel’s baby. Her heart flip-flopped from the thought. There was nothing she wanted more than to have a child with Daniel. He was already the best father she could imagine. The way he loved Ella, the way he cared for her and always had, proved that beyond any doubt. Daniel was made to be a parent. And a husband.

He’d only known about the pregnancy for four days and already he was hovering around Marienne in full protective mode. He insisted on coming to the doctor’s appointment with her.

“It’s not necessary.” She told him. “You’ll have to miss work. They only had appointments before five pm.”

“Then I’ll have to take some personal time. I want to be there with you.” His strong arms had wrapped around her, and any argument she’d been planning to make flew right out of her head. She wanted him there with her. She wanted him everywhere with her. And she was nervous about the appointment.

When she was pregnant with Ella, she’d gone to every appointment alone. Frank never came along. She’d sit in the waiting room, worried about her previa and envious of all the women who were there with their husbands or sisters or girlfriends. Marienne had no one like that, at the time. She knew that even back then Daniel would have accompanied her. He was the best friend she’d ever had. But he was married—they both were—and it hadn’t seemed appropriate. She was grateful that this time was different. Now all she needed was for the doctor to reassure them that everything was okay with the baby.
Our baby.
She smiled as she got into her car.

****

Daniel was too fidgety to stay in the car a moment longer. He was certain he’d already given himself a bruise from the number of times he’d banged his knee on the steering column. He climbed out of the car and stretched his legs. His fingers wove through his hair repeatedly as he made his way to the building entrance.

The OB office was the first on the left, clearly marked with pink and blue balloons painted down the length of the door. He took a deep breath and went inside. The women in the waiting room all looked up as he entered. Two very pregnant women, one with a toddler clinging to her leg, the other knitting while her husband read a magazine, another young girl who was laughing with a woman he guessed was her mother, and two women who looked too much alike not to be sisters. He remembered Marienne talking about attending all her appointments alone and felt sad.

He knew Marienne hadn’t arrived yet, but he checked at the reception desk, just to be certain.

“Marienne Gardner?” he asked, rubbing his thumb along the edge of the counter.

The receptionist smiled. “She hasn’t checked in yet. You’re welcome to take a seat. I’m sure she’ll be here any minute.”

“Thanks,” Daniel said. He sat on the far side of the room, facing the door, so he could see as soon as Marienne arrived.

****

Marienne peered through the glass panel on the office door. She’d seen Daniel’s car in the parking lot and wondered how long he’d been waiting. She saw him as soon as she peeked inside—long legs, wide apart, one knee bobbing rapidly, fingers raking through his hair—he glanced at the doorway and saw her, his face brightening. She smiled as she opened the door.

Daniel looked like he might catapult himself across the room toward her, but he managed to keep himself seated. Marienne signed in at the desk with one of the sunflower-topped pens then took a seat beside him. No sooner had she settled herself and placed her purse on her lap than he slipped his hand into hers. Their fingers interlocked and he leaned over and kissed the side of her head. She felt calmer already.

“You waiting long?” she asked.

“No,” he said, too quickly.

She squinted at him. “How long?”

“A few minutes.” He played with her fingers.

“How many?”

“Ten….Maybe twenty….Forty, tops.” He looked sheepish.

She sighed. “I told you it wasn’t even necessary for you to—” He silenced her with a kiss. The heat that surged through her made her think that if he didn’t stop they might wind up giving the waiting room guests an instant replay of how they wound up pregnant in the first place.

“Marienne Gardner.” The nurse in the doorway grinned at them. “Whenever you’re ready.” She winked.

Marienne flushed and threw Daniel a look. He shrugged his apology as he stood, his own cheeks colored.

****

Daniel sat in the tiny examining room waiting while Marienne went to give a urine sample and get weighed. He examined the medical diagrams on the wall. Babies at all different sizes in every possible position in their mother’s wombs.
How on earth do women do this?
He couldn’t help but think of his own mother. She’d gone through it all alone, no husband, no one to support her.

Marienne returned, wearing a pink polka-dotted gown. She did a quick curtsy before climbing up onto the examining table. She seemed much calmer than he felt, though he knew she was nervous too.

Before he could ask her anything, the doctor entered the room. She was writing in a chart but looked up to smile at both Marienne and Daniel. “Well, you were right. Your urine sample confirmed it. You’re pregnant.” She turned to Daniel and extended her hand. “I’m Dr. Tyler. You must be Daniel.”

Her handshake was firm and reassuring. “Pleasure to meet you,” Daniel said.

“Why don’t you take a seat over here?” She pulled a chair closer to the head of the examining table. “Marienne, let’s get you in position.”

Daniel took a seat, facing Marienne. She reached out and took his hand as she maneuvered her feet into the odd-looking stirrups. He heard the snap of latex gloves.

“Okay, Marienne, knees apart, try to relax.”

Daniel felt her grip tighten at the word relax, and he knew she was doing anything but.

“Deep breath,” Dr. Tyler said. “You too, Daniel, no dads pass out on my watch.”

He chuckled, but kept his eyes on Marienne’s face. She grimaced and flinched which made him cringe. He rubbed his thumb along the back of her hand, hating that she was in discomfort. The sounds of metal clicking into place and instruments being placed on the small table filled the tiny room.

“Cervix looks great,” Dr. Tyler said.

“Can’t hear that often enough,” Marienne said.

“Okay, just going to use my fingers now. Relax your thighs….”

Again Marienne tensed at the word. Daniel kissed her hand. Her eyes were clamped shut. Her lips tightly pursed. She still looked beautiful.

“All good.” The snapping sound of gloves came again, and Daniel turned to see them being tossed into the nearby trashcan.

Dr. Tyler picked up her chart and pen. “There’s no sign of any problem. As we’ve discussed you have a slightly increased risk of previa because of your history, but it’s still a small percentage. Only four percent of pregnancies will have previa issues again, and of those not all will become serious problems. For now, you’re all good. I would like to get an ultrasound just to have as a baseline. Do you have time for that today?”

“Yes.” Marienne nodded. The tension seemed to be easing in her body. Her hand loosened its grasp and felt warmer.

“Okay.” Doctor Tyler smiled. “We’ll be back in a moment to take care of that. I’ll have the nurse bring you some water.”

Chapter Two

Marienne’s pregnancy progressed smoothly. Clean bill of health after every doctor’s visit. Not a single bout with morning sickness. Absolutely no signs of placenta previa. Instead Daniel was the one experiencing all the ill effects. He had daily tension headaches, acid reflux that even the strongest antacids couldn’t seem to quell, and his lifelong struggle with insomnia became a nightly battle.

Daniel shivered and pulled his jacket tighter as he made his way across the bridge to Highland Park. Normally the walk home from the train station was relaxing, but today it was torture. He’d known he was coming down with something the moment he’d woken up, but as the day progressed he felt dramatically worse. His throat hurt, his muscles ached and he was certain he had a fever.

He trudged up the driveway feeling like he’d run a marathon. The moment he entered the house he could tell that Marienne was cooking dinner. He didn’t feel like eating but the scent of roasting garlic and tomato sauce was comforting. It smelled like home.

Daniel hung his jacket on the antique coat rack and headed toward the kitchen.

Marienne gave the pot on the stove a stir then started toward him. “How was your day?” she asked.

“Don’t come too close. I’m sick.”

Her lips pulled into a frown. “I knew you sounded funny on the phone.” She reached out to touch him.

“Seriously,” he said, backing away, “you don’t want to catch this.”

“I’ll be fine.” She planted her hand on his forehead. “It’s probably the flu. I got my shot, and so did Ella. You’re the one who kept putting off the appointment.”

She was right. He hated needles. Now he was wishing he’d gotten the damned shot.

Marienne frowned. “You’re burning up. Sit down. I’ll get you some Tylenol.”

“I just want to go to bed.”

Marienne’s eyes twinkled at him.

“I wish,” he said. Nothing would have made him happier than to climb into bed with Marienne and make love to her, but the way he felt he wasn’t sure he’d even make it up the stairs. He squinted, the light over the stove was making his headache throb.