Holding On (Hooking Up) (12 page)

She proclaimed me healthy and quite advanced in my pregnancy.  I was already ten weeks along! I was surprised I hadn’t known, but after I told her all about what had been going on in my life lately, she said it was no wonder I was distracted. They performed an ultrasound, and I got the first glimpse of our little blob that would eventually turn into a baby. The blob’s heartbeat was strong and steady, music to my ears, and I felt horrible that Ryan had missed it. The doctor’s office gave me a DVD of the ultrasound, though, so I could share it with my men later.

I left the doctor’s office feeling as though I was floating on a cloud, so happy I was bursting. I went over to my mom’s apartment so she could share in my excitement. She took me out to lunch to celebrate and we had a great time. It was wonderful to have a woman in my life. We spent hours talking about how she felt when she was expecting me. And it was funny; I had the same craving for pickles and watermelon (at the same time) that she did. And it turned out she’d felt nauseated when she’d smelled bacon, just the same as I did.

“So, have you and Ryan thought of any names?” Mom asked, smiling at me over her cup of tea.

“Well, since Benjie says we’re not allowed to have a girl, we’ve only been thinking of boy names.” I grinned at her, but inside, my enthusiasm and exuberance quailed a bit at the thought of my stepson, who seemed to have forgotten his talk with his father and who had recently delighted in making things tough again.

Mom must have noted the darkening of my mood because she frowned and said, “Is he giving you a hard time again?”

“Again? He never really stopped, now that I think about it. He likes to say no to me now, and he won’t let me tuck him in anymore. I think he’s still mad I’m having a baby.”

“He’ll come around.”

“I’m getting sick of people saying that, but God, I hope so. I hate it when he’s unhappy. I love him with all my heart, and I don’t want to upset him. He’s already been through so much.”

“Honey, he knows you love him, and he’s just trying to get used to this. He’ll come around. He’s a very sweet boy, and it won’t be long before his natural loving instincts overrule his anger. You’ll see.”

“I hope you’re right,” I said around a mouthful of chicken noodle soup. The warmth of the broth felt good on my still-sensitive stomach and the warmth of my mother’s love for me erased the angst I felt. For the second time today, I silently offered a prayer of thanks for her.

We finished eating and she dropped me off at home. I let myself into the apartment, kicking an empty box out of the way. We’d started putting some things in boxes just to get them out of our way and to get a jumpstart on packing. The bank had called us the day before to get some more information from us, and it looked as though we’d get the loan, or at the very least wouldn’t be immediately refused. The money from Mom was a huge help, even though the bank had questioned where it had come from. It seemed they questioned everything, and it made me more and more nervous every time we talked to them.

The answering machine was blinking and I pressed play. It was the realtor. He’d called to tell us there had been yet another offer on the house we wanted, and he warned us to make our best offer, and soon.

I glumly dialed Ryan to tell him the news and the tightness in his voice when he responded proved how much he’d grown to like the place, too. It was amazing that we’d fallen so in love with the house, especially since we had been so nervous about committing to such a large purchase. Now it was a hard pill to swallow that we might lose the house we really, really wanted to raise our kids in. It was the house Benjie wanted and I couldn’t bear to tell him we didn’t get it. It would have been just one more thing in his young life to be upset about.

I paced the living room, kicking the same empty box out of my way half a dozen times before I finally sent it sailing across the room. I flopped down onto the couch and closed my eyes, trying to will our desired outcome into fruition. Isamu always told me to visualize what I wanted actually happening. He believed in the power of positive thinking. I always had a problem doing it, and I think it was because good things seldom happened to me, but lately, since so much good had been happening, it was easy to see us all gath
ered around the table in our new dining room, eating our first Christmas dinner in our brand-new house. Mom was passing around dishes of steaming food, Ryan was carving the ham and smiling as he placed it on our plates, and Benjie was laughing and rubbing my pregnant belly with a chubby little hand. I smiled, placing my hand on my still-flat stomach, willing it to grow. I couldn’t wait to start showing, to let the world know I had my husband’s child inside me, that we’d be a happy family for the rest of our lives.

And then I did something stupid. I visualized Gran there with us, a small smile on her properly pleasant face. I visualized her looking at me with love in her eyes, and hope for the new baby in her heart.

The sob that burst from my mouth seemed to come from my toes, it was so deeply rooted. I could deny how important she was to me all I wanted, but it didn’t change the fact that I loved her. And I missed her.

Why did I keep doing this to myself? Why did I insist on caring about her when she obviously felt nothing for me? Was I glutton for punishment?

No, it wasn’t that at all. It was what Isamu always told me. Love, when shared, grows. With all I’d been through, with all the times I’d been kicked when I was down, I still had love to share. Ryan’s love, my mom’s love, Benjie’s love saved me and demanded to be spread. I loved my Gran, regardless of what she did to me, and I wanted to show her. And maybe, just maybe, if I continued to share my love with her, in spite of her continual rejection, she’d learn to love me back.

I stood and picked up the phone before my common sense could stop me.

She picked up on the third ring and I found myself welling up with tears at the sound of her voice. God, how I’d missed her.

“Hi, Gran,” I said shakily.

“Caitlin, what’s wrong? She stole your money and left, didn’t she? Didn’t I tell you that would happen? I wish you’d listen to me.”

I was already exasperated with her and I had to struggle for control. “No, it’s not that. God, Gran, why do you always think the worst?”

“The worst already happened. The rest is just icing on the cake,” she said in a rare bout of self-pity. “So, did she take your money and run?”

“No, she’s great. Gran, I’m pregnant. And I’m happy. I just wanted to let you know.”

“You’re pregnant already? You really should have waited to see if the marriage would work. You’ll end up raising that baby alone. And what are you going to do for money?”

“What do you mean? Gran, you do know I work, right? And so does Ryan. And guess what? We’re buying a house.”

“Well, don’t look to me for help. I’m not going to give you money to help you make another mistake.”

“Did I ask for money?”

She huffed out a harsh sigh. “It’s just a matter of time. How are you going to afford a house and a baby? I wish you’d quit being so impulsive.”

“Impulsive? Since when is growing up and doing what every other married adult does impulsive? Gran, listen to yourself. Do you hear what you’re saying? Really? You haven’t said one nice thing since we’ve been on the phone. Would it kill you to say congratulations?” My hopeful, content, loving mood was fading into a distant memory and the emotions that clogged my throat now were anger and frustration. Isamu could say all he wanted about love spreading, but when it came to Gran, it was a crock of shit.

“You expect me to congratulate you for rushing into something that could ruin your life? Well, congratulations, Caitlin. Don’t come running to me when it all falls apart around you.”

“Don’t worry Gran, I won’t. I know you wouldn’t help me anyway, even if it was a life or death situation. And I don’t need your advice anymore either. I’m an adult, and perfectly capable of living my life without you criticizing it. Maybe one of these days you’ll realize that.”

I heard a swift intake of breath on the other end of the phone but before she could say anything else, I slammed the phone down and lay in bed, curled up around Ryan’s pillow until I fell asleep.

The next thing I knew, Ryan’s warm hands were pulling me into his lap and cuddling me close. “Honey, are you ok?”

“I talked to Gran.”

He groaned. “I take it you told her about the baby?”

I nodded.

He sighed deeply. “I see she took the news well. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you when you told her. You shouldn’t have faced her on your own.”

“It’s done. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I hate her.” My shoulders shook with residual sorrow and Ryan held me close.

“No, yo
u don’t. Catie, you’re incapable of hating anyone. That’s why it hurts so much. But you have a right to be angry, and you have a right to take your time getting over it. She’s wrong, shutting you out like she does. And one day, she’ll regret it, but it’ll be too late. It’ll be her loss, not yours.”

“It hurts so much,” I said on a whimper.

“I know. And that’s why I love you. You’re the most caring, sweet, giving person I’ve ever known. But it’ll be ok. You’ve got me and Benjie, and our baby. And you’ve got your mom. She loves you so much. You don’t need your Gran.”

“I know. But she needs me. She just doesn’t realize it.”

“Well, maybe one day she’ll figure it out. Until then, let’s concentrate on what we can control, and on taking care of Benjie and that baby inside you. I have good news, by the way.”

“News?” I picked my head up and looked into Ryan’s triumphant eyes.

“We got pre-approved for a mortgage. I made a pretty aggressive offer on the house and Joshua said it was accepted.” He smiled at me broadly and my heart leaped in joy.

“We got it?”

“We got it. I called the bank to get the ball rolling. We’ll have to eat Ramen noodles for about three years to be able to afford the place, but it’s ours if we want it. We might even get in there by Christmas.”

Christmas? My thoughts wandered back to the scene I’d envisioned earlier. Incredibly, my positive thinking seemed to have turned my greatest desires into foreseeable reality. Well, almost, I qualified, thinking that one person would be absent from our Rockwell-esque vignette. Still, I wouldn’t let it bother me, no matter how much it hurt. There was so much more good than bad going on, and I’d hold onto it for as long as I could.

Chapter 14

Life became a whirlwind of activity once the offer on the house was accepted. Boxes started stacking up in the living room, our bedroom, the hallway, every closet. Who knew we had so much stuff? I donated a lot of cast-offs and even held a small tag sale in the parking lot of our building. Mom and I had a lot of fun haggling with our neighbors over the price of our junk. Turns out we both loved watching people pay us to haul our trash away.

Between working full-time, dealing with Benjie, keeping baby appointments, running errands and packing, we had home inspections to arrange and attend and worry over, meetings with the bank and our attorney, correspondence to and from the realtor, insurance to arrange, payments to make. We were running ourselves ragged. It was also an expensive time for us. Our paychecks went into the bank and right back out again. I watched in horror as our savings account, once buffeted with a small nest egg, went drier than the Sahara.

Despite my protests, Mom continued to help us with the finances. And really, we couldn’t have done it without her. She insisted on paying for a lot of the extra, unexpected bills as they came up. Ryan and I planned to pay her back, but every time we mentioned it, she either changed the subject or argued with us. She kept alluding to her wise investment but refused to give us any more information about it. I didn’t want to pry, but curiosity was eating me alive. Where did she get all that money?

During this hectic time, my body was changing. Little by little, my stomach grew and my clothes shrunk. My jeans were now held together, or apart, by a rubber band because I hadn’t had any time to shop for maternity clothes. Besides everything else that was going on, work was crazy, with a strange influx of new little patients, and the doctor decided to increase our office hours to help the parents who had full-time jobs get to appointments with their kids.

Benjie continued to be warm and cold to the idea of the baby. He eyed my growing stomach dubiously, his moods swinging from protective and excited to standoffish and downright rude. Ryan and I threw up our hands on more than one occasion, at a loss for ideas.

I noticed a trend, too, because Benjie would usually be at his worst when he’d just seen his mother on one of the visits that started after she completed her state-sanctioned parenting classes. I woke him up because he’d overslept and instead of giving me a hug like he normally would, he shrunk away from me and said, “No, Catie. Don’t touch me!”

“Benjie, why don’t you want a hug? That’s all I was going to do.”  I reached for him again but he shrank back further and eyed me warily.

“You’ll make me get sick. I don’t wanna die.”

I was aghast. “What? Benjie, why would you say that?”

“That thing in your belly. Mommy said it’s a zombie. Mommy said you’re gonna die and if I touch you, I’ll catch it and I’ll get sick too.”

That did it. I looked at Benjie sadly and said, “Honey, that’s not true. I’m so sorry you’re in the middle of all this.  But I can promise you, Benjie, I’m telling the truth. I’d never lie to you. Get dressed and I’ll take you to school.”

I left the room and reached for the phone before I lost my nerve. My fingers shook as I dialed, but this had to be done, and I wasn’t even going to wait to bounce it off Ryan. This was woman-to-woman.

“Hello? Ryan?” Nancy, the frigid bitch, answered.

I took a deep breath and said, “Guess again. You and I need to talk.”

“I have nothing to say to you,” she said with a sneer in her voice.

“Good. Then I’ll talk and you’ll listen. Don’t even think about hanging up on me, either. I’ll have your ass investigated for child abuse if you try.”