Holding On (Hooking Up) (9 page)

“Are you sure?” he asked after he recovered.

“Well, no, since this has never happened before, but I’ve never been late before, either.”

“Catie, you’re always late,” he said, totally missing my point. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Whoa. You’re freaked out, aren’t you? I wasn’t talking about
that
kind of late. I meant my period.” Secretly, I was enjoying this. My unflappable cop, my rock, was losing it. It was actually quite funny to watch.

“Freaked out? Not me. Go get a stick and pee on it, would you?”

“Why do I have to go? I’m the sick one here.”

“Fine. I’ll stop at the store after I get out of work. Benjie! Come on, I’ve got to get you to school!”

“But Daddy, Dino Wrestlers are on!”

“I know, but you have school. And I have to go to work, then find a stick for Catie to pee on.”

“Eww, Catie!” Benjie popped his head into the bedroom. “You’re even grosser than Daddy.”

“Cool,” I decided. That was high praise indeed. “See you after school, buddy.”

They left and I flopped onto my back, splaying my fingers over my flat stomach. Was there a life growing inside me right now? A piece of me and a piece of Ryan? A mini-Benjie?
Oh, Lord help us
, I thought with a smile. But how great would that be? The baby was family. We’d be a family.

I pictured Benjie’s cute little sandy mop-top next to a baby whose hair was sure to be dark brown, both of them smiling in a family photo. I pictured our baby in my mother’s arms, in my arms, and burst into a happy grin. I wanted to be pregnant. I really did. It was an unexpected gift, but one I wouldn’t squander or take for granted. And it explained a lot. I’d been sick the day I picked my mom up from the airport, and it was looking more and more clear to me that it wasn’t due solely to nerves.

The day seemed to drag so while I waited for my men to come home with my pregnancy test, I called in sick to work and lay back down, trying to control my mounting excitement. Surprisingly, I slept most of the day away. I was amazed at how sluggish and tired I felt. When I woke up, I ate like a pig and had the scary thought that I’d turn into a hog if I ate like that for nine months straight.

Finally, at four o’clock, they stomped inside and Benjie delivered the package to me solemnly. “Here’s your stick. Why do you gotta pee on it?”

I laughed. “It’s a test.”

“Oh, like in school?”

“Well, sort of.”

“Can I watch?”

“No, I think I’ve got this one, but thanks.” I ruffled his sandy curls and he scampered off. I went to the bathroom and performed the test. It was hard to do with my fingers crossed, but I managed and set the stick on the back of the toilet to cure or develop or whatever it is they called it.

A minute later, the results were in. Two lines meant I was indeed carrying Ryan’s baby inside me, and I couldn’t have been happier. It was a dream I hadn’t even thought to wish for, but it was suddenly of vast importance, and about to come true.

I walked out to the living room where Ryan and Benjie waited. Benjie was bouncing with anticipation and Ryan looked faintly green. As they saw me enter, Ryan jumped up and a slow smile spread across his face as he gazed at mine. He pulled me into his arms and swung me around in a circle, nuzzling my neck.

“Really?”

“Yep, two lines,” I told him smugly.

“Did you pass your test, Catie?” Benjie asked me, catching our mood and twirling around the living room, dancing around us and making all kinds of racket.

‘Sure did, Benj. Come here, buddy.”

I grabbed him and cuddled him close and he squealed in delight. Abruptly, he quieted and asked, “So, what did we win?”

“Let’s talk about it,” I suggested. I carried him to the couch and sat down with him in my lap. Ryan took my lead and sat next to us, his arm draped over the back of the couch.

“Benjie, what would you say about a little brother or a sister?”

“No, thank you,” he said promptly.

“Why?” I asked, laughing. At least he had remembered his manners.

“I don’t want one. No, thank you.”

A subtle feeling of dread hit my trembling stomach and I gulped. “But, Benjie, I’m going to have a baby.”

“Why?”

“Well, I—” I was at a loss. What do you say to a question like that? Oh, God, were we going to have to give him THE talk? I glanced at Ryan for help, but he was just as panic-stricken as I was.

Benjie must have gotten tired of waiting for us to say something. “I don’t want a baby!” he shouted and ran off into his room. I rose to go after him, but Ryan held me back.

“Let’s give him a minute to accept this, ok? He’ll be fine, but it might take a few days to sink in.”

I hoped so, but the look on his little face before he ran off was haunting me already. It was a look I never wanted to put there: the look of utter sadness and confusion. I clung to Ryan, hoping he was right and our first-born would come around. 

Chapter 10

The day after my stick displayed two lines, Benjie became a different kid. We thought he’d accept his sibling-to-be, but we were sadly mistaken. Our sunny, happy little boy turned into a royal little monster, and we had no idea what to do about it.

In the morning, I asked him what he wanted for breakfast, as usual, but instead of asking for a bucket of Sugar Rings, he gave me the cold shoulder. I ruffled his sandy hair and gave him a gentle squeeze and a tickle to try to get him out of his mood, but all he did was make a protesting shriek of some sort that took me aback. I’d never seen him throw such a temper tantrum before.

“Benjie, don’t you want breakfast?”

“No. Go away. I’m not hungry.”

“But you have to eat if you want to be big and strong like your Daddy.”

“Nuh-uh. I don’t wanna.”

“Ok, fine, but you’ll be hungry later. Let me know when you’re ready to eat.”

He didn’t answer. Instead he turned away from me to stare out the kitchen window. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him stick his tongue out at me. I was amused, but also worried.

Ryan padded out of our bedroom and walked to my side to give me a good-morning kiss. I melted into his arms and he made an appreciative sound deep in his throat.

“Good morning to you, too,” I purred, perfectly content in his arms.

Benjie made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl.

“What’s up with him?” Ryan motioned to Benjie, who was still facing the window.

“Not sure. He’s cranky.”

“Hey, Benjie. How’s it going this morning, my man?”

“Go away, Daddy. I don’t want breakfast,” he insisted.

“Well, ok, but I didn’t ask you if you wanted breakfast. I asked how it was going this morning,” Ryan said evenly, raising an eyebrow as he took in the sight of his son, hunched over defensively, chin tucked firmly into his chest.

“Poopy.”

“Poopy?” Ryan repeated, trying to hide a smile. “What’s so poopy about today?”

“I hate Catie,” he said with a huge frown on his face. A tear spurted from his eye and tracked down his cheek. He looked fierce.

I felt like my heart was breaking. My sweet little guy hated me?

“Why would you say something like that, Benjie? That’s not nice, and I know you don’t mean it.”

“I do, too. Everything is diff’rent now. I don’t like it.”

“It might be different, but it’s better. Someday you’ll understand. But right now, being angry and saying you hate someone won’t help. I think you owe Catie an apology.” Ryan stood in front of Benjie, the expression on his face loving but stern. Seeing him deal with Benjie’s attitude in such a kind yet firm way gave me another lump in my throat. He was an amazing dad and Benjie and our unborn child were very lucky.

“Now you like Catie better than you like me. I don’t wanna ‘pologize.” He stormed off to his room and slammed his door with as much force as he could muster, leaving Ryan frowning and me heartbroken.

“I don’t understand what’s gotten into that boy,” Ryan said, running his hands through his hair.

“He’s upset. He’s gone through a lot of changes in a short period of time. He was removed from his mother’s home after suffering a pretty severe trauma at her hands. He lost your undivided attention when you married me, and now, just when he’s started to settle down and accept everything, things are changing again. All things considered, I think he’s handling it pretty well.”

“I’ll go talk to him.”

“I’m coming with you. We’ll do this as a family.”

We went into Benjie’s room to find him sprawled face-down on his bed, sobbing his little heart out. Ryan turned on the light and sat on the edge of Benjie’s bed, rubbing his back.

“I don’t want a baby,” Benjie mumbled.

“Why, son? Tell me what’s bothering you so much.”

“You won’t be able to spend time with me,” Benjie said, turning over and scowling up at his dad.

“Yes we will,” Ryan insisted. “Why wouldn’t we be able to spend time with you?”

“Because you’ll have to take care of the baby. Mommy said you’d forget me when you and Catie had your own kids. She said you’d love the new baby more than me.”

I fumed inside, wishing Nancy was there. I’d tell her a thing or two about her big, fat, lying mouth. But Benjie was here now, and he needed reassurance from both of us. Nancy, the bitch, would have to wait.

“Benjie, we’ll never forget you. We promise. You’re our special boy. We love you, and we always will.”

“You’ll send me away.”

“Who said that? Mommy?”

He nodded, looking like he’d just betrayed a confidence. The way he acted that night during his bedtime story made a lot more sense now and I wished more than anything I’d picked up on it then. It never occurred to me that Nancy would have done this to the boy.

“Look at me, Benjamin Isaiah Ashford. I love you.
We
love you. We’re a family and we’ll never,
ever
, send you away. I promise.”

He looked up at us with fat crocodile tears perched on his eyelids. “You mean it, Daddy? I don’t wanna go away.”

“Cross my heart, Benjie. Come here,” Ryan said gruffly and encircled Benjie’s slender shoulders in a gentle hug. Benjie threw his arms around Ryan’s midsection and sobbed his little heart out.

“Benjie, family is forever. Nothing will ever change that. We will always, always be here for you. Always. I promise you that.” Ryan cuddled him closer and stroked his back, waiting for him to calm down and get all the anxiety and misery out of his system.

I felt the tears drop down my cheeks and wiped them away impatiently. This was no time for me to cry. Benjie needed us. I rubbed his little back and made soothing noises. Nancy had done a number on this little boy, but we’d make it right, come hell or high water.

Eventually, he settled down and we were able to talk more calmly about our new addition. Benjie seemed to accept the idea for now, especially when he learned that the baby wouldn’t be here for quite a while.

Finally, I asked him the question I’d been dying to know. “So, what do you want, Benjie, a boy or a girl?”

“A boy. Girls suck.”

Chapter 11

Our talk seemed to calm Benjie down a bit that day, but we still had our issues. Over the next few weeks, he insisted he didn’t want the baby again, and though Ryan and I were getting used to his fluctuating moods, it was always interesting to see what new objections he came up with.

“Babies are loud. I won’t be able to sleep ‘cause the baby’ll be crying all the time,” he hollered one day.

I chuckled at that. I was more concerned about the baby getting sleep than Benjie. Apparently he had no idea how loud he really was. Besides, the kid played so hard during the day, he slept like a rock every night. Atomic bombs could go off and he’d still be snoring. Hopefully our infant would inherit the same sleeping genes.

Another time, he declared, “I don’t like girls. What if you have a girl?”

“Catie’s a girl, remember?” Ryan asked gently.

“No, she’s not. She’s my other Mommy.” His logic was skewed but funny.

And then it was, “Daddy, he’ll break all my toys. I like my toys.”

“Benjie, the baby won’t be able to play with your toys for a long time. And he’ll have his own. He won’t need to play with yours. But it is nice to share, right?” Ryan reminded him. Benjie didn’t like that. The frown on his face was priceless.

“But Daddy, Jimmy’s mommy had a baby and Jimmy has to share his room. I don’t wanna share my room.”

“Benjie, we have a while to think about all that. You aren’t going to have to share. Don’t worry,” Ryan said, trying to reassure Benjie, but I had to admit, the kid had a point. He scampered off to watch Dino Wrestlers and Ryan and I sat down at our kitchen table.

“Who knew raising kids could be so tough?” He sighed.

“The kids are the easy part. It’s everything around them that makes it tough.”

“What do we do? Every day it’s something new. I just wish he’d realize how much we love him, that this won’t change anything, really.” Ryan ran a hand through his hair and the frustrated concern on his face touched me. I reached for his hand and squeezed it.

“But it will change. He won’t be the center of attention anymore. Nancy may have gone about it the wrong way, but she has a point. He’s going to have to learn to share a lot more than his room. I guess about all we can do is love and reassure him and make him feel like a part of things. And I think it’s important that he keeps his own space. That’s something we need to think about, you know. This apartment is a two-bedroom, and I’m not sure it’s conducive to raising a family. It’s a little modern and breakable, you know?”

I walked to the living room doorway and cast pointed glances at the urban leather couches, Murano art glass sculptures placed around the room for color, the huge flat-screen TV that could easily be pulled over by a baby learning to walk. The glossy black glass coffee table had sharp corners that could poke little eyes. The balcony off the living room had wrought iron bars that suddenly seemed too far apart to keep a baby from toppling three floors down. Ryan had style, that was certain, but it was a bachelor’s style.