Hopeless For You (5 page)

But I didn't. Instead, I tried to deny that I'd ever seen that look on his face. I told myself Momma Jeanne was wrong and even if he
did
want me, he wasn't my type and never would be. I reminded myself how rude he could be. That he played girls. I'd seen fear in his eyes too, hadn't I? Maybe he was worried about losing his job if he played me.

I wrapped my hands around the ring at my neck and the warmth inside me shriveled.

I was left feeling cold, numb and alone.

I left Ash and her friend Gina behind in their dorm and returned to my own building.

Ash had scared the shit out of me. When I heard her screaming, I was out having another smoke. She had one of those voices you could recognize even when she yelled so I ran straight to her dorm and grabbed the baseball bat from the storeroom, then took the stairs four at a time. And what thanks did I get for being her white knight? She basically told me to screw off. I guess she was just embarrassed about being caught screaming her mouth off over a raccoon.

Mmm. She probably wouldn't sound too much different screaming my name in the sack...

With a sigh, I collected the dirty dishes from the common area and carried them back into the kitchen.

Momma Jeanne's presence dominated the small room. She hummed to herself by the sink, scrubbing away at the dishes.

"Kade." She nodded when I set the load of dishes down.

I nodded back, grabbed a napkin and began raking the scraps off the plates and into the garbage. It was pretty gross work but I'd gotten used to it. I placed the empty plates in a pile beside Momma Jeanne.

Once I finished scraping the plates clean, I picked up a dishrag, moved to the other side of her, and started drying the dripping pots.

"What do you think of the newcomers?" Momma Jeanne said.

"Too new." I shook my head. "I bet the two from Tennessee won't last a day of roughing it. One of them couldn't even handle a raccoon in her room..."

Momma Jeanne smiled but didn't say anything. I couldn't tell whether she agreed or disagreed with me.

"They're certainly easy on the eyes," I added.

"They are." She wore a mischievous smile. "Especially the little dark-haired one."

Ash. I remember thinking about her picture for hours after I'd seen it on my phone. She was even more captivating in person. When I first saw her for real, I'd never wanted anyone so badly in my life. I wanted to take her away and make her mine. I wanted to protect her from everything bad in the world and hold her in my arms and fuck her until she forgot about her troubles. Yeah, I'm quite the romantic, I know.

Momma Jeanne's voice brought me out of my head. "You're going to leave her alone, right?" She was watching me carefully. "Don't act so surprised. What, you think I'm blind?"

I couldn't meet her eye. Something in her voice told me I had to be very careful how I answered. "I wouldn't put my job on the line for some intern." Not to mention there was no way I was going to let myself get hurt again—not that I was what Ash wanted, anyway.

Momma Jeanne looked at me a few seconds longer, then nodded to herself, apparently satisfied with my answer. I felt a little ticked that she'd even have to ask me something like that, but she was only looking out for Ash, I reminded myself.

I finished drying the last dishes and then grabbed my leather jacket from the hook by the back door. I pulled the pack of cigs from my pocket and tapped out the last smoke in a cool, practiced motion.

"You smoke too much." Momma Jeanne said.

I shrugged, tossing the empty package in the garbage can. "Last one this summer, promise." It really was the last pack I had, though I'd convinced Don to smuggle me in another two on the next supply run. Momma Jeanne didn't need to know that, though.

"You always say that, then you go back to that city of yours and pick up every bad habit again. Swearing, smoking, drinking. Womanizing." She shook her head.

"You know me too well. Guess I'm just a disappointment. Maybe I should make it my profession. Disappointing people." I fished out my lighter but before I could duck through the back door, she put a hand on my shoulder, her brows knit together in concern.

"Don't say that. You're not a disappointment. Not out here. You do good work for us."

"Yeah, I guess."

"There's no guessing about it. You
do
. Your job is important. Falcons aren't meant to be in cages."

She was right about that. I opened the back door and stepped into the night.

I flicked the lighter and lit my last cigarette, intending to relish it. I was going to be crabby as hell for the next few days while I worked through the nicotine withdrawal. Considering the hours of driving and hiking we had to do in the coming days, I wasn't doing anyone any favors.

The crunch of footsteps alerted me to someone's approach. Blaine's familiar broad shoulders grew near, outlined against the building lights.

"You can see that cigarette from a mile away," Blaine said. "Trying to make yourself a target for grizzlies?"

"I'm more worried about wolves than grizzlies," I said.

Blaine shrugged, and then leaned against a nearby tree. "What do you think about Gina?"

I smirked. "What do you think about her?" I took a deep drag on the cigarette.

He was quiet a moment. "I don't actually know. Mixed feelings, I guess. She's hot, and smart, but gives off a clingy vibe. I'm not sure I can handle another high-maintenance girl."

I took a deep drag. "One thing I can't figure out about them."

"What's that?"

"They're both premed," I said. "Why fly 3,000 miles for an internship completely unrelated to your degree?"

Blaine folded his arms. "I wouldn't say it's
completely
unrelated, but I hear what you're saying." Blaine's brows drew together in that way of his that told me he was debating telling me something. Finally he said, "Gina's on a mission."

"Really?" I drawled. "A mission. What kind?"

"Apparently she brought Ash out here for a reason."

I chuckled, thinking he was joking, but he didn't smile. "Okay. Tell me this reason of hers."

"She wants to
save
Ash. Her words."

"Save her?" I didn't like the sound of that. "From what?"

"I don't know. Herself? Her past? She didn't say."

"Well, whatever." I took a deep drag. "I don't really care." Though I was more curious about Ash now than ever. Even so, I didn't want Blaine to suspect anything so I changed the subject. "By the way, when do you plan on getting into Gina's panties?" I gave him a sly look.

Blaine smiled innocently. "You know the rules."

"There's always ways around them."

Blaine's smile deepened. "I hear we're going to be spending a lot of time in the wilderness..."

I laughed. "Thank God. You picked up what, one chick over the entire winter?"

"I didn't pick her up, we dated." Blaine sounded indignant.

"Which was a huge mistake, if you ask me." I put out my cigarette and the two of us headed for the front of our dorm building. "You only dated her because she threatened to kill herself if you didn't. And then when you were together, she sucked the life out of you. You had no spare time. I remember you skipping out on the gym sometimes to take her to the salon. I mean, come on, you were so grateful when you caught her cheating, I thought you were going to kiss the other guy. Cardinal rule, Blaine—never stick your dick in crazy or desperate. Not to mention high-maintenance."

Blaine pressed his lips together. "Sure thing, Kade. You're the real relationship expert here. Since I've known you, all you've ever had are one-night stands. Never a girlfriend." Blaine pulled ahead of me, taking the stairs of the dorm two at a time.

I didn't move. I just stared at his back.

No, Blaine. I had a girlfriend once. A long time ago.

But she taught me the truth about relationships.

Or rather, the lie.

I guess I owed my ex because her actions made me who I was today. But I couldn't feel indebted to her. She broke up with me and married another dude. I'm not sure what hurt more: the fact that she took my son away from me or that I wasn't good enough. I still felt the pain even five years later.
Five
years
.

At the top of the stairs, Blaine turned around. "You coming?"

Suddenly, I felt extremely tired and it was all I could do to labor up those damn stairs.

Eighteen months earlier...

It was a perfect day.

I just got home from five-o'clock Christmas mass and had to rush upstairs because I still had presents to finish wrapping. My folks liked to do the present opening thing on Christmas Eve. The plan was to celebrate Christmas at my house tonight and then Devon's tomorrow.

Devon spent a few minutes downstairs chatting with my folks and then he joined me in my room. I'd wisely chosen to wrap his present first, and I was just putting the finishing touches on the ribbon. Gosh, ribbons could be such finicky things. I had to retie the thing three times. I wanted it to be perfect.

"Hey," Devon said, whispering in my ear. His warm breath ran down my lobe to the nape of my neck, where he planted a tender kiss. "You look amazing tonight, as always."

"Mmm," I said, pushing my head into him.

"Miss me for the long time we were apart?"

It had been a whole twenty minutes. "You know it."

We kissed. It wasn't a light peck. It was a long kiss that spoke of the years we'd known each other. The years of trust, friendship and mutual sexual discovery. I'd almost say it felt like a
comfortable
kiss, but it was far too arousing for that.

He started to unbutton my blouse. I stopped him.

Both our folks knew we were having sex. Still, I refused to let him seduce me while my parents were downstairs. It made me feel dirty, somehow.

"You know I won't have sex when my folks are home," I said.

"Come on." He tried for my blouse again. "It's not like they'll barge in on us or anything."

There was a knock at the door.

I gave him a self-satisfied look. "You were saying?"

My stepdad Bill poked his head in the doorway. "I'm not interrupting anything I shouldn't be, am I?" He was looking right at me.

"Well, if you were," I said. "You'd be staring at a pair of naked butts rocking it out right now."

Bill frowned. "Thanks for that image, Asha." He always called me by my full name, I guess to annoy me. "I meant seeing any
presents
I wasn't supposed to be seeing." He was already starting to close the door again. "I came up to tell you dinner is ready. Mario's really outdone himself this time." Bill had hired Mario away from a local Italian bistro to head our kitchen. His food was outstanding. "Wait until you taste his turkey souffle. You're gonna love it."

When he closed the door, Devon and I exchanged a disbelieving glance.

"Turkey souffle?" Devon said.

"Sounds really bad."

He gave me a light peck on the cheek and got up. "The weirdness that goes on at your house..."

"Tell me about it," I said, laughing.

The souffle was surprisingly good, and after dinner we sat down in the living room to open presents. Devon and I had decorated the tree, which was a freshly cut blue spruce about seven feet tall. Different colored lights spiraled near the trunk like glowing birds, while Tennessee-themed ornaments such as bears and mountains hung from the outer branches. We'd slathered the whole thing in shiny red and blue icicles so that altogether the tree looked a little like a big, hairy pinecone.

As usual, there were a ton of presents under the tree. They came in all sizes, but I knew most of them were just the usual filler items nobody asked for but got anyway: shirts, ties, socks, chocolates.

"Let's get started," Mom said eagerly. She always got excited at this part. Watching me open presents reminded her of when I was younger, I guess.

I was the self-appointed present giver. I liked being able to choose what presents were opened and in what order. I went to the tree and picked out one I'd gotten for mom.

She took it and read the label. "To Mom, from the Hillbilly Wonka Chocolate Factory."

I always had fun with the labels, and rarely signed my own name. Instead, I'd reference books we'd read in the past few months, or a movie we'd recently seen as a family. Usually I liked to sign something that hinted at what was inside, though sometimes I'd write red herrings just to keep everyone on their toes. Devon and I were the
only ones who ever did stuff like that, but our handwriting was so different, everyone could usually tell which presents were from him or me.

"Well, it's certainly not chocolates," Mom said, shaking it. She knew all my tricks. I think she already realized what it was but she still took an agonizingly long time opening the present. It wasn't chocolate, of course, but one of the romance novels she'd asked for this year.

Bill's turn was next. Again, I gave him one of mine.

"To Bill," he read. "From Dan Brown. Hmm." He devoured the wrapping paper. Inside was the latest treasure hunt thriller from Dan Brown. "How'd you know I wanted this? Thanks, Asha."

I glanced at mom and she gave me a conspiratorial wink.

I figured it was my turn next and I decided to grab the gift Devon had gotten me. I knew which one it was because of the label.

To Ash, From Your Most Secret Admirer
.

Devon looked at me apprehensively. "Maybe you should open that one later, Ash..."

"Why?" I shrugged happily and tore off the silver wrapping paper, revealing a small box. At first I thought there was a watch or an earring or something inside. When I opened it up, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

The moment I'd been waiting for had finally arrived.

Devon knelt in front of me and wrapped his hands around the box and the silver ring it contained. "Ash. We've been through a lot together, you and I. You mean everything to me. We're not like other couples—you're by my side day in and day out and I wouldn't have it any other way. Let's make it official. Will you marry me?"

I glanced up and saw mom and my stepdad close to tears where they sat on the couch. I was nearly crying myself.

I knew Devon was the one and I was certain that someday he'd put a ring on my finger. His timing had caught me a little by surprise, but we'd been dating three years and now was as good a time as any.

"Yes," I said. My face was wet with tears of joy. "Yes."

Devon slid the ring onto my left hand.

I knelt and slammed my lips into his. My stepdad and my mom clapped in the background but I hardly noticed. This kiss was different than the one we'd exchanged earlier in my room. More urgent. Like we wouldn't get the chance to kiss like this again.

He was the first to pull away, and he glanced sheepishly at my folks. "Sorry."

"No," mom said, the happy tears streaming down her face. "Don't stop because of us."

Devon glanced at me, seeming anxious to pick up the kiss, but I only smiled politely because for me, the moment was already broken.

Besides, there was something I had to do.

"Wait here," I said. I ran upstairs and retrieved a small, wrapped gift from my room. I'd been debating whether or not to put this one under the tree but eventually I'd chickened out. I could give it to him now, though.

"I have something for you," I said when I got back downstairs.

Devon unwrapped the present, revealing a small, black leather box. He opened it.

"I don't know what to say, Ash." He held up the titanium ring. "Guess I've been
dragging my feet. Good thing I got the nerve to propose to you tonight or you would've beaten me to the punch."

I shook my head. "Honestly, I've had it a few months but I never actually had the nerve to propose. I decided I'd give it to you when you gave me mine. To show you how much I love you. Take it. Use it to remember me when we're apart."

"I don't need a ring to remember you but I'll take it." He slid the ring onto his left hand and we kissed again, a polite kiss that was mindful of the watching eyes of my folks. Though I supposed we shouldn't have been shy because everything was official now.

Devon snuck into my room that night and for the first time we had sex while my folks were home. Devon picked up on my urgency and we made love with the same intensity as we'd kissed beneath the Christmas tree. I'm not really sure what had gotten into me, but I felt like we had to treat every moment we had together as something precious.

I stifled my moans with the pillow, and when we were done, I just held him in my arms, not wanting to ever let go.

"What's wrong?" Devon said.

"Nothing." I couldn't keep the sadness from my voice.

"Ash..."

"Just promise you'll never leave me?"

He sat up in bed and tenderly held my cheek. I could see his green eyes in the dim light of the lamp. "Of course I won't. You mean everything to me."

I closed my eyes and nuzzled his chest.

"Baby, what's wrong?" he said.

"Nothing." I wore the bravest smile I had.

He knew I was lying. "Tell me."

I sighed. "I guess, well, I'm scared."

"Of what? Married life?"

That wasn't it, but I murmured in agreement, anyway.

"Nothing's going to change, Ash." He entwined his left hand through mine and our engagement rings touched with a satisfying clink
,
just as they had during our lovemaking. "Things are only going to get better from here on out. I'll never leave you. I swear it."

We made love again.

It was a perfect day.

* * *

We'd been fighting.

Devon had wanted to wait the traditional three months before hosting the engagement party, but I'd insisted on having the engagement party sooner. As in right away.

It just seemed, well, too good to be true. I kept having this premonition of bad things to come. Which was strange because I knew life wasn't out to get me, that bad things didn't happen to good people.

But I also knew my mom and dad had divorced when I was ten years old.

Most ten-year-old kids were good.

All I could do was bury myself in the engagement party planning, and of course,
the subsequent wedding. I tried my best to ignore the premonition but it ran through everything I did like this poisonous undercurrent, making my voice bitter when it should have been happy, sarcastic when it should have been serious.

Needless to say, Devon had trouble dealing with this new, insecure me. It didn't help that my plans for the party, not to mention the wedding, didn't match his own.

I wanted the best wedding ever. I wanted singers and dancers and a big cake and all my friends and an amazing buffet with nine different stations. Weddings only happened once in a lifetime, at least as far as I was concerned, and a wedding was the one time it was okay to really go all out and splurge and not feel bad about it. Gina and I had been dreaming about getting married since we were five years old, so of course I wanted everything involving the wedding to be special, including the engagement party.

Devon, on the other hand, wanted a small wedding, and an even smaller engagement party. Thankfully, my folks also wanted a big one, and since the engagement party was traditionally hosted by the bride's family, I got my way in the end. At least for the engagement party.

Gina helped me plan everything. She was my maid of honor and wedding/engagement party planner rolled into one. Devon and I usually ate Mexican on Saturdays for dinner, so of course I insisted on having a Mexican theme for the engagement party. Despite the short notice, Gina called in some favors and arranged for a live Mariachi band to play. On the menu were chicken wraps, mini beef tacos, amazing guacamole, and margaritas. Dessert was churros, of course. They were so good, especially with that extra thick
manjar
caramel slathered on top. Probably bad for the dress size, but engagement parties only came once in a lifetime, right?

I wanted to have the party as soon as possible and my folks were happy to oblige. They wanted the wedding almost as badly as me. See, what I haven't mentioned is that Devon was the son of a shipping magnate, and heir to a staggering fortune. But for me it wasn't about the money. It never was. When would my folks understand that?
My stepdad already had a lot of money, so I didn't see why it was so important to him and mom that I marry someone rich. Anyway, long story short, my folks let me roll the engagement party in with their own New Year's Eve party, so of course all my stepdad's friends and their children were here. At least I'd be spared the awkward conversations that always came when my stepdad's friends (re)introduced their sons to me—hopefully now they'd finally get the message that I was off the market.