How to Handle Your Emotions (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (56 page)
“A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold”
(P
ROVERBS
22:1).
Question:
“Why do some people prefer not to focus on self-esteem, but only on self-worth?”
Answer:
The phrase
self-esteem
actually has two different meanings that are opposite to each other.
—The first kind of
self-esteem
is an
objective regard of your value,
which the Bible refers to as
humility.
This self-worth is rooted in the recognition of your sin and your need for the Savior. It recognizes your need to live dependently on Him and affirms the fact that Christ established your worth by dying for you.
“This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word”
(I
SAIAH
66:2).
—The second kind of self-esteem is an
exaggerated regard of your value,
which the Bible refers to as
pride.
This self-esteem is rooted in the idea that you are “good enough” within yourself to meet your own needs and therefore you do not need to live dependently on the Savior. Your worth is established by your “inherent goodness” and personal accomplishments.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves”
(P
HILIPPIANS
2:3).
In the Bible, God places these two types of self-esteem in sharp contrast to one another:
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble”
C. What Is an Inferiority Complex?(1 P
ETER
5:5).
10
How could Dorie not feel inferior when, for years, she was continuously treated as inferior? Emblazoned in her memory are scenes of her mother tucking her sister into bed saying, “Marie is a pretty girl—she’s not like you.” Then after tenderly kissing Marie, her mother would callously walk past Dorie.
11
Repeated instances of rejection are the building blocks of an inferiority complex. Constant rejection can cause a person to feel he or she has little worth, and lead that person to think such thoughts as these:
“Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors; I am a dread to my friends—those who see me on the street flee from me. I am forgotten by them as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery”
(P
SALM
31:11-12).
An
inferiority complex
is a painful, debilitating feeling of being less valuable than others.
— Inferior
means less valued than others.
—
A
complex
is a group of beliefs based on the past that has a powerful influence on present behavior.
An
inferiority complex
is an acute sense of low self-worth, which can produce two very different results:
—Fearfully timid
attitudes and actions that cause the person to easily cave in to others or feel rejected by others.
“I’m nothing…I know I don’t matter.”
—Overly aggressive
attitudes and actions expressed in an attempt to compensate for feeling rejected.
“Since people hate me, I’ll give them something to hate!”
When Dorie was placed in an orphanage, she became the bitter bully who punched and pinched the other children just to make them cry. Openly hostile, Dorie used fear tactics to get her way—and get her way she did!
12
This psalm describes what she was like:
“When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you”
(P
SALM
73:21-22).
Mephibosheth
Mephibosheth felt like the weakest link in the royal chain. Crippled in both feet at a young age, he never felt able to live up to the accomplishments of his family. His grandfather, King Saul, was a fierce warrior. His father, Jonathan, was an accomplished soldier.
But Mephibosheth was unable to stand on his own two feet, let alone to do battle. Following the deaths of both Saul and Jonathan, when David claimed the throne, Mephibosheth sank into financial and emotional quicksand. He lived in the land of Lo-Debar, which means “the House of No Bread.” Though his family had ruled the nation and enjoyed substantial wealth, he ended up with nothing. He went from the palace to poverty. Because he could not even afford his own lodging, he lived in another man’s home.
King David summoned Mephibosheth to appear before his throne. Mephibosheth was afraid not only because his life offered no “value” to David, but also because the custom of the day was for kings to execute those who might pose as a threat for the throne.
Mephibosheth felt helpless and hopeless. He shuffled on his lame feet, crawling into the new king’s house to answer David’s summons. He threw himself on the ground before David and declared himself to be nothing more than a “dead dog” (2 Samuel 9:8). David’s response shocked the young cripple, who had known little kindness in his life: “Don’t be afraid…for I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all the land that belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will always eat at my table” (2 Samuel 9:7).
Imagine Mephibosheth’s astonishment! David—the powerful warrior-king—demonstrated compassion to a cripple. But why? Why would he show kindness to a weak invalid who was, in his own words, a dead dog who could offer no service to the king, who was a reminder of his grandfather’s murderous vengeance—all directed toward the newly crowned king David? Because long before, David had entered into a covenant relationship with his dear friend Jonathan—a covenant vow of loyalty that extended to the family of Jonathan. And as David promised, “Mephibosheth ate at David’s table like one of the king’s sons” (2 Samuel 9:11).
Picture David’s sons and daughters gathering for an evening meal: the aristocratic, selfish Amnon, the proud…handsome
Absalom…the beautiful sister Tamar…and the scholarly, quiet Solomon. Then shuffling along behind—taking his place among the king’s sons and daughters at the finest table in the land—is this “dead dog” Mephibosheth. He may have once felt worthless and utterly without value, but because of the king’s grace, he is now a part of the family, and he discovers he has infinite worth.
If you suffer from feelings of inferiority or feeling like an emotional cripple, know that the King of kings, in His grace, has reached out to you with care and compassion to
adopt you into His family
and take you as His own. The Bible says, “In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will” (Ephesians 1:4-5).
As a member of the family of Christ, you have a place reserved at the King’s table…forever. Make no mistake, you are no mistake. Not only are you wanted, but you also have immeasurable worth.
Given her mother’s rejection, Dorie struggled over a lack of self-worth. Some people would say she
should
not have any sense of self-worth because that’s prideful. Others would say she
should
have self-worth because it’s healthy. Which is right—especially from a Christian standpoint?
Is there a place in the life of a Christian for self-respect, self-worth, and self-love, or does the Bible exhort us to disrespect, devalue, and even hate ourselves? The Bible appears to support both self-love and self-hate, a seeming contradiction that has resulted in some very real controversy. Because the Bible cannot contradict itself, we need discernment to know how to think accurately about ourselves.
“The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction”
(P
ROVERBS
16:21).
The Three Views
1. I S
HOULD NOT LOVE MYSELF
“It’s wrong for me to love my own life. Instead, I should hate myself.”
Biblical support:
“The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life”
(J
OHN
12:25).
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple”
(L
UKE
14:26).
2. I
SHOULD LOVE MYSELF
“God tells me in His Word that it is appropriate for me to love myself.”
Biblical support:
“Love your neighbor as yourself”
(L
EVITICUS
19:18).
This commandment is found twice in Leviticus, and then repeated in six other books of the Bible…a total of ten times!
—Leviticus 19:18,34 | —Romans 13:9 |
—Matthew 19:19 and 22:39 | —Galatians 5:14 |
—Mark 12:31 and 12:33 | —James 2:8 |
—Luke 10:27 | |
3. I
DON’T KNOW WHETHER
I
SHOULD LOVE MYSELF, BUT
I
DO KNOW
I
SHOULD LOVE OTHERS
“I am unsure of what Scripture says about self-love, but I know I should have sacrificial love for others.”
Biblical support:
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers”
(1 J
OHN
3:16).
Two Major Questions
Question #1:
“In Luke 14:26, does Jesus really mean for me to hate my family and myself?”
Answer:
To interpret any literary work correctly, a major element of interpretation must be considered: context! That is, we need to look at how “hatred” is used in context of the whole counsel of God’s Word.
—Moses wrote, “Do not hate your brother in your heart” (Leviticus 19:17).
—The Ten Commandments state, “Honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12). That does not say you are to hate your father and mother!
—The apostle John said, “Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in darkness” (1 John 2:9).
—Astonishing His hearers, Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:43-44).