How to Handle Your Emotions (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (51 page)
When you are rejected, a chain reaction can occur that can lead to more rejection. Through a series of conscious choices, a cycle can become a pattern that eventually becomes a way of life. When you are rejected, unless the truth of God’s Word is embraced, the cycle broken, and the pattern replaced, the by-product of rejection will always be rejection.
Rejection Breeds Rejection
Nothing rips the heart apart like rejection—especially rejection from someone near and dear to us. To be rejected by someone we love is a loss like no other.
Many years ago, a friend whom I loved—a friend who helped me immensely—cut off all contact with me, and there never has been a restoration of the friendship. In total candor, I clearly admit I did a number of things wrong in this friendship—I do not question that I was at fault. And with that loss, I felt gut-wrenching pain.
Six months later, I was reading through the Sunday newspaper and came upon the High Profile section, which included a feature spotlighting a notable person. This profiled person was asked many questions, such as, “What is your favorite book? Who would you invite for your last meal? What is the best advice you ever received?”
One open-ended statement caught my attention: “My friends like me because
…”
Upon reading those words, I tried to give an answer from my own life. However, after a time of serious searching, my heart began to sink. I thought,
My friends really don’t like me. There isn’t anything in me to like.
I was dead serious.
The only thing they could like is what I could do for them. They really don’t like
me.
The next day, I periodically pondered my somber reasoning. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. So late that afternoon I called one of my dearest friends and explained the events of the previous day. “It dawned on me that the only reason my friends might like me is because of what I can do for them.” Then I expanded, “After all, I am resourceful. If someone needs a doctor, I can help. If someone needs a hand, I’m a good helper. But I’ve come to this conclusion: There’s nothing in me to like. I just want you to know that I know it and accept it.”
At that point, my friend said, “June, I am not _________” (naming the other person). “This is me,” she said. “It’s me you’re talking with, not _________. And June, what you’re saying is simply not true.”
Truthfully, I was surprised at her rebuttal. But then I knew I had to rebut her rebuttal!
“Well, of course you are going to say that,” I responded. “You have to say that. I know you’re just trying to be nice to me.” Ultimately, no matter what she said, I would not believe her attempts to reassure me.
Then she asked, “Can I come over right now?”
“No,” I answered…not that I didn’t want to see her. “I’ve got to keep preparing for the Bible study I’m leading in just an
hour.” (What a dichotomy! Here I am, teaching others about the unconditional love and acceptance of God and how every person is created with God-given worth, but I couldn’t just believe it for myself!)
“Well, what about after the Bible study?” she pressed.
“I’ve got to pack my bags because I’m leaving for California early the next morning,” I explained. “I sincerely appreciate what you’re trying to do…but it’s really not necessary. I’m all right.”
After we said our goodbyes, I knew I needed to call one other very close friend. Again I recounted the events from the day before: the High Profile section, the “My friends like me because _________” statement, and the fact that there is nothing in me to like, except that I’m resourceful. I assured her, “I really understand it and accept it.”
“Why are you saying this?” she asked. “It’s just not true… you’re believing a lie!”
Again, I knew she was just being “nice.” And again, no matter what she said, I wouldn’t believe it.
For a period of time, I emotionally retreated away from those who were reaching out to me. Soon I saw that I had fallen into the “rejection breeds rejection” cycle. Because I had been rejected by one significant person, I assumed others would reject me…and I emotionally and unconsciously began to reject their sincere words.
However, the Lord had put sensitive, caring people in my life to be an extension of His love—people who would not let me completely retreat into my “cave.” They called…they invited…they affirmed…they included…and they lifted me up when it would have been emotionally easier for me to stay down. What the Bible says is true: “Two are better than one…If one falls down, his friend can help him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).
How I needed to be reminded that in life, we will all be rejected—but just because
one
person rejects us doesn’t mean
everyone
rejects us!
And when others feel rejected and their hearts are deeply hurt, that is an opportunity for us to reach out to them with the love of Christ, to be the comforter, to be the encourager, to be “the friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).
Meditate on these statements, and memorize these scriptures.
Rejection
—“Just because someone rejects me doesn’t mean everyone rejects me. Jesus loves me and accepts me, no matter how others choose to treat me.”
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you”
(J
OHN
15:9)
—“Just because someone withholds love from me doesn’t mean everyone will withhold love from me. God will always listen to me and will never withhold His love from me. He will always make sure my love needs are met.”
“Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!”
(P
SALM
66:20).
Worthless Feelings
—“Just because someone thinks I am worthless doesn’t mean everyone thinks I’m worthless. God has already established my worth, and because of Him I will always have worth.”
“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God…Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”
(L
UKE
12:6-7).
—“Just because someone doesn’t value me doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t value me. God values me enough to send Jesus to die for me so that I can spend eternity with Him.”
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life”
(J
OHN
3:16).
Self-hate
—“Just because someone hates me doesn’t mean I should hate myself. God has always loved me, and I can rely on His love—forever!”
“We know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love”
(1 J
OHN
4:16).
—“Just because someone condemns me doesn’t mean I should condemn myself. God will never condemn me, because I am in Christ’s family.”
“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
(R
OMANS
8:1).
Negative Behavior
—“Just because someone has rejected me doesn’t mean I should do what sets me up for more rejection. Because I will pay for my bad choices, I am going to make good choices.”
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life”
(G
ALATIANS
6:7-8).
—“Just because others wrongly reject me doesn’t give me license to wrongly reject them. Because God has given me the power to do what is right, I will master the sinful desires in my life.”
“If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it”
(G
ENESIS
4:7).
Question:
“Ever since my closest friend rejected me, I expect other friends to do the same. How can I keep from feeling like a reject?”
Answer:
When someone close to you rejects you, be aware of a tendency to overgeneralize and assume that others will reject you, too. Fearing the worst, you might inadvertently begin pushing your remaining friends away in order to prevent further hurt. When they respond negatively, you may interpret their reactions as confirmation of your deepest fears. This vicious cycle can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy and helps explain the saying, “Rejection breeds rejection.”
To stop feeling like a reject…
•
Don’t assume that one person’s opinion reflects everyone’s opinion.
•
Don’t let one person’s negative attitude toward you define you.
•
Realize that because Jesus calls you friend, you can trust that His love will be with you always.
•
Nurture multiple friendships and focus on God’s description of how true friends treat one another. A true friend will never reject you.
“A friend loves at all times”
G. You Are Accepted…Even When Rejected(P
ROVERBS
17:17).
21
How can you have faith that you are accepted when, at times, you
feel
rejected?
Basing faith on feelings is disastrous for us all.
Feelings change, but God never changes!
When we exercise faith not in how we feel but in what God has said—based on our faithful God and His faithful Word—our minds and hearts are renewed. Begin telling yourself the truth about your complete acceptance in Christ. During those times when you feel rejected by someone significant in your life, know that the Lord has promised to walk with you in the darkness of your painful journey and shed light on your path. Despite the pain of past rejection, He promises…
“I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them”