How to Handle Your Emotions (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (48 page)

1.
What He Did

Joseph’s brothers knew that Joseph had reported something bad about them to their father—he tattled on them! Being a snitch didn’t win Joseph any favors. Then Joseph added fuel to the fire when he told his brothers
about his two dreams that foretold how he would one day be in a position of authority over them (Genesis 37:2-9).

2.
What His Father Did

The brothers envied Joseph because of the “richly ornamented robe” that his father made for him, and not for them (Genesis 37:3).

3.
Who He Was

Joseph’s brothers resented Joseph because of who he was. He was the child of Rachel, their father’s beloved and favored wife, born to her after years of barrenness and in Jacob’s later years. Thus, Joseph was his father’s favorite child.

In reality, Joseph was more of a prophet than a politician or he wouldn’t have revealed the content of his dreams to his brothers—they already despised him! And although Jacob rebuked Joseph for what he spoke, he also kept Joseph’s dream in mind.

“When he told his father as well as his brothers, his father rebuked him and said, ‘What is this dream you had? Will your mother and I and your brothers actually come and bow down to the ground before you?’ His brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind”

(G
ENESIS
37:10-11).

Some reasons people feel rejected are obvious—both to them and to any observant bystander. Think about a difficult time when you felt devalued, dejected, and deserted. Was the reason for your pain obvious? Often the loneliest times of your life can be readily understood because you were
overtly
rejected. But the wonderful Word of God tells us that while others may “cast us away,” we are to cast ourselves upon the Lord.

“From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God”

(P
SALM
22:10).

Common causes of feeling rejected are:

Abandonment

Feeling forsaken because someone special is no longer there for you:
“How can I survive without you? You must hate me to leave me helpless and all alone!”

Adoption

Feeling unloved because your focus is on having been given away (instead of on feeling loved because you were placed in a loving home): “I must be a terrible person for my own parents to not want me.”

Cast away

Feeling worthless because you were “in the way” and therefore you have been thrown out of the home or sent away (to camp, to boarding school, to other relatives): “I am obviously useless and a burden to everyone.”

Childhood sexual abuse

Feeling shamed because your sexual boundaries were violated by abusers inside or outside your family: “My feelings are unimportant and I have no right to be respected or protected.”

Disapproval

Feeling flawed because you can’t measure up to what is expected of you by others: “I can’t do anything good enough to be accepted.”

Divorce

Feeling deserted because your parents split up or because you and your spouse divorced (some parents feel deserted by their own children): “I am all alone and those I love the most do not want me anymore.”

Domestic violence

Feeling degraded because of physical attacks from one of your family members: “I am no more than a slave and a doormat to my own family.”

Excessive punishment

Feeling devalued because your parents were excessively harsh on you: “What’s wrong with me that causes my parents to mistreat me?”

Favoritism

Feeling disregarded because someone else is preferred over you: “I don’t deserve to be anyone’s favorite. I’ll never measure up.”

Greed

Feeling discredited because someone takes credit for your ideas or work
or because someone steals your money or possessions: “I must not deserve recognition no matter how much I achieve.”

Hostility

Feeling alienated because of constant fighting and name-calling: “I must bring out the worst in everyone.”

Humiliation

Feeling ridiculed because your opinions, actions, choices or values are being attacked: “I must be really stupid to think I could be right about anything.”

Indifference

Feeling discounted because your existence is not acknowledged: “I should never have been born.”

Infidelity

Feeling betrayed because your bond of trust has been breeched: “I won’t ever confide in anyone again.”

Jilted

Feeling spurned because of rejection in courtship, friendship, or marriage: “I guess I don’t have anything to offer in a relationship.”

Prejudice

Feeling ostracized because of merely being different: “I’d be better off as a hermit or not existing at all.”

Rape

Feeling violated because of date rape, mate rape, or stranger rape: “I am and always will be damaged goods.”

Verbal Abuse

Feeling condemned because you don’t deserve such unjust treatment: “What about me is so bad that I can’t do enough good to earn a kind word?”

Just as there are obvious
overt
reasons for people to feel rejected, there are also not-so-obvious
covert
reasons. These covert causes are not easily
identifiable because sometimes they are shrouded in secrecy. At other times they are sins of
omission
rather than
commission.

Whatever the reason, covert rejection cuts just as deeply as overt, if not deeper. Because covert rejection can go undetected, and therefore unchallenged, victims can be left even more devastated. However, God sees everything. Nothing escapes His eye—especially those things concerning each of us whom He carefully crafted and constantly considers.

“From heaven the L
ORD
looks down and sees all mankind; from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth—he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do”

(P
SALM
33:13-15)

Here are some covert causes of feeling rejected:

Absence of nurturing

Feeling
neglected
because of a lack of attention or affection: “There’s a hole in my heart because I don’t feel loved.”

Addictions

Feeling
ignored
because of an addiction (examples: alcohol/drugs, compulsive spending, inappropriate sexual behavior, gambling). The addiction is prioritized above the relationship: “Despite what you say, I know that (
the addiction
) is more important to you than I am.”

Broken promises

Feeling
unimportant
because of a continual lack of commitment: “I’m not worth anything to you. You keep your word to others but not to me.”

Comparison

Feeling
inadequate
because of always being measured against others: “I have no intrinsic value.”

Cliques

Feeling
unworthy
because of being excluded from a group: “I am not good enough to be accepted.”

Critical spirit

Feeling
emotionally
battered because of the relentless judgmental attitudes of others: “I can never measure up to the standards of other people.”

Death/critical illness

Feeling
forgotten
because of being left alone (especially in the case of suicide): “Why did you leave me?”

Discounted emotions

Feeling
pushed aside
because what comes from your heart is dismissed: “What I feel isn’t important to anyone.”

Gender discrimination

Feeling
inferior
because of a bias against your gender: “Nothing I think, say, or do has any validity because I am the wrong sex.”

Handicaps

Feeling
inadequate
because of your limitations: “I am defective and not equal to others because I cannot do all that they can do.”

Lack of support

Feeling
rebuffed
because of not being believed or helped: “I got no support when I desperately needed it.”

Loss of a pet

Feeling
abandoned
because your pet was the only one who accepted you unconditionally: “I just lost my best friend.”

Overcontrolling

Feeling
powerless
because your individuality is denied: “I am not allowed to be myself.”

Overindulgence

Feeling
helpless
because everything is done for you as though you cannot do anything for yourself: “I feel as though I’m being treated like a child.”

Performance-based acceptance

Feeling
unacceptable
because you are valued only for what you do: “I’m accepted only if I perform to the expectations of others.”

Sarcasm

Feeling
cut down
because of caustic humor at your expense: “Sharp words, though masked with humor, feel like a sword piercing my heart.”

Silent treatment

Feeling
shunned
because a loved one has intentionally stopped communicating with you: “I am treated as if I don’t exist.”

Question:
“My mother doesn’t care about me or my problems. She shows no love or affection. Why does she continue to reject me?”

Answer:
Sadly, many parents do not know how to nurture their children. Your mother’s lack of love reveals that she is not emotionally whole. Her rejection sheds a spotlight on the hole in her heart.