How to Handle Your Emotions (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (44 page)

Answer:
Your feelings are completely normal and totally understandable given your situation. The death of a spouse is highly distressing and can leave the mate in a state of shock for weeks and disoriented for months. Therefore, the most commonly given advice to recent widows and widowers is that no major decisions or changes be made for at least a year. Why?

—The task of going through the grief process is a big enough job during that first year and maybe even longer.

—Unless you are some under time constraints, delay making any major decisions and any significant life changes for a year or so. Wait until you are more emotionally replenished and better able to think clearly about the pros and cons of any major decisions.

—Right now you don’t know where you will want to live in a year or two or what you will want to pursue.

—The likelihood of regretful decisions are lessened.

The bottom line is that the best thing to do is to wait before you make a major decision. Do not let anyone rush you. A rushed decision can be a deeply regretted decision.

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you”

(P
SALM
32:8).

Reaching Out to Others

Question:
“People keep asking me to socialize with them, but I don’t want to be around anyone—I don’t want to try to have fun or make conversation. Why can’t people understand that in my grief, I just want to be left alone?”

Answer:
People do understand your desire for isolation, and that is precisely why they are concerned about your being alone too much. Becoming self-absorbed, losing interest in socializing, and desiring to isolate yourself from
others are common when you are in the grieving process. However, there is also the danger you might become reclusive to the point that you become stuck in your grief and fail to reach out to others to stay connected to life. One of the most effective ways to help your own healing is to reach out to others who are grieving.

—Identify with the grief of others.

•
Be available as someone who can understand how a grieving person feels.

•
Send a card, prepare a meal, bring a flower, run an errand.

•
Make periodic phone calls to say, “I care.”

—Remember that isolating yourself from others only curtails your own healing. Reaching out will help bring healing to others and, in turn, to yourself.

“A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed”

(P
ROVERBS
11:25).

Grieving the Holy Spirit

Question:
“I feel horrible guilt and huge grief. Although I’m a Christian, I’ve gone against God, and now the damage has been done. Can I ever have peace again with God?”

Answer:
When you have unresolved sin, you
should
feel unresolved grief. Why? Because you have actually grieved the Holy Spirit! Realize that because you are an authentic Christian, the Spirit of God resides within you. Therefore…

—When you are in the will of God, you have peace with God (one of the “fruit of the Spirit”).

—When you are not in the will of God, you will not have peace with God. The Holy Spirit has removed His peace from you to convict you of sin so that you will correct your course. Do what pleases God, and you will have the peace of God.

“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God”

(E
PHESIANS
4:30).

What You Can Do

When someone experiences a devastating loss, God most often uses the comfort and encouragement of others to bring healing. As you reach out to others with the compassion of Christ, consider the following helpful hints for building others up when they are in the midst of grief:

•
Acknowledge their loss immediately.

•
Accept all emotional or verbal responses without judging them.

•
Hug with tender affection.

•
Expect tears and emotional extremes.

•
Find helpful things to do without being asked.

•
Give the one grieving many opportunities to talk about the loss.

“Encourage one another and build each other up”

(1 T
HESSALONIANS
5:11).

What You Can Say

D
EATH OF A
C
HILD

Don’t say,
“You can always have another child.”

Do say,
“I appreciate your special qualities as a parent to your child.”

D
EATH OF A
S
POUSE

Don’t say,
“A lot of people remarry at your age.”

Do say,
“I valued his/her (
character trait or ability
).”

D
EATH AFTER A
L
ONG
I
LLNESS

Don’t say,
“She’s much better off now.”

Do say,
“I admire the way you encouraged and helped her.”

D
IVORCE OR
S
EPARATION

Don’t say,
“He was never good enough for you.”

Do say,
“The Lord is here for you, and I will also be here for you.”

D
ISABLED
C
HILD

Don’t say,
“Was there something you did to cause the handicap?”

Do say,
“I noticed your child’s (
sweet disposition, nice smile
).”

L
OSS OF A
J
OB

Don’t say,
“You’ll find a better job within a week.”

Do say,
“I feel for you and will pray with you during this time.”

L
OSS OF A
L
IMB

Don’t say,
“Be thankful—you could have died.”

Do say,
“The adjustment will be difficult, but you can do it. Count on me to be of help.”

L
OSS OF A
H
OUSE

Don’t say,
“At least you’re still alive.”

Do say,
“I know you have many memories of your home. I remember…”

L
OSS OF A
P
ET

Don’t say,
“You can always get another pet.”

Do say,
“You were so good to your dog.”

L
OSS OF A
F
RIEND

Don’t say,
“You’ll make other good friends.”

Do say,
“A friend is a treasure. I know you will miss him/her.”

L
OSS
A
S
A R
ESULT OF
A
NY
T
RAGEDY

Don’t say,
“All things work together for good!” (even though that is ultimately true).

Do say,
“Although I don’t know why this happened to you, I do know the Lord will stay close to you. One particular Scripture that helped me is Psalm 34:18: ‘The L
ORD
is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.’”

“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver”

(P
ROVERBS
25:11).

How true the saying, “All sunshine makes a desert.” God knows that if you never experience the storms of life—if the rain clouds never release their water—you will never see flower gardens grow. You need to blossom in the areas of sympathy, empathy, compassion, understanding, perspective, and wisdom. Our God is the God of second chances. Whatever is in the past can be used for God’s glory. The storms of sorrow should never be wasted. By God’s design, grief will ultimately better your heart and life…. Grief will make you grow.

“Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart”

(E
CCLESIASTES
7:3).

When you are in need of C-O-M-F-O-R-T

C
Come to the God of all comfort.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort”

(2 C
ORINTHIANS
1:3).

O
Open your heart to the reality of pain.

“In our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead”

(2 C
ORINTHIANS
1:9).

M
Maintain a clear conscience by confessing past sins and offenses.

“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy”

(P
ROVERBS
28:13).

F
Find the positive in your grief process.

“See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter”

(2 C
ORINTHIANS
7:11).