How to Sew a Button: And Other Nifty Things Your Grandmother Knew (4 page)

Step 5:
Poke your fork into the top of the bird, place your knife halfway up the breast, and slice down until you meet your horizontal cut. Place that piece of meat on a serving platter, and repeat, working your way up the breast to carve thin slices.

• Let your bird rest for 10 to 15 minutes before carving to seal in the juices.
  

• Sneak a folded paper towel between the turkey and the plate. It’ll keep the turkey from sliding around.
  

• Separate the drumsticks from the thighs before serving to prevent fights at your table.
  

• Trim off the wings, if anyone would like those, at their joints with poultry shears.
  

• Save your carcass to make a stock.
  

• If you have any questions while carving, and your grandmother isn’t around to call, try the Butterball Turkey Hotline at 1-800-BUTTERBALL. Seriously. It’s open weekdays from 10
  A.M.
  to 7
  P.M.
  (CST), and operators will answer all your birdbrained questions for free.
  

Step 1:
If you’re at all squeamish, take a deep breath, and know this: The fish is already a goner, and it’s not nearly as slimy as you think it’s going to be.

Step 2:
Lay your fish flat on a cutting board, belly facing away from you, give thanks, and then grab your thinnest, sharpest, longest knife.

Step 3:
Lifting up the pectoral fin (the little one behind the gills), place your knife, blade down, perpendicular to the fish, make your most dramatic grimace, and cut downward to (but not through) the backbone. Whew! That’s over with. Nice job.

Step 4:
Starting behind the head and using just the tip of your knife, run your blade along the top edge of the fish, near the dorsal fin, to the tail, slicing along (but not through) the rib cage. As the meat separates from the fish, peel it back and repeat your gentle slicing from head to tail until the full fillet is free. See? That wasn’t so bad at all.

Step 5:
Flip the fish, and repeat steps 2 through 4, for the second fillet. Now, you’re a total pro—and you’re almost finished!

Step 6:
Inspect each fillet carefully. If you see any bones, pluck them out. Once you think you’ve got them all out, run your fingers over your fillet to double-check, or your meal may be more memorable—cough, cough—than you bargained for.

Step 7:
Remove the skin by placing each fillet, skin side down, on the cutting board. Holding your knife blade at a 45-degree angle, start on one end and cut through the meat down to (but not through) the skin. Then, pressing the loosened skin down with your fingernail to secure it, turn your blade parallel to your work surface and gently work it down the length of the fillet. Go easy now. Don’t force it.

Step 8:
Rinse the fillets with cold water, and fry ’em up!

• If you’re buying, not catching, your fish, peek inside the gills. If they’re red, it’s fresh.
  

• Too slimy? You can always wear a pair of gloves.
  

• Squeeze lemon juice on your hands after filleting and before washing to help your patties smell fresh.
  

Step 1:
Gather up your ingredients: 3 cups bread flour, 3 cups whole wheat flour, 3¾ cups tepid water, 2½ teaspoons salt, and 1¼ teaspoons instant dry yeast (aka “RapidRise yeast”). You’ll also need two loaf pans, a touch of oil or butter, and the patience of Job. It’s best if you set yourself up with something productive to do, besides clicking “refresh” on your Facebook page for hours.

Step 2:
In a large bowl, dump in all your ingredients, and combine them into a shaggy mass using your hands. You’ll know you’ve done it right if your mixture looks like a bad ’70s carpet. Don’t be afraid to get messy!

Step 3:
Wash and dry your hands, then roll up your sleeves. You’re getting ready to knead some dough.

Step 4:
Lightly dust your clean countertop with your bread flour (not too much!). Scrape the dough out of the bowl onto the countertop, using a spatula or a plastic scraper. Then, get a wee bit of flour on your hands.

Step 5:
Knead that dough, baby. To do so, fold the top portion of the dough toward you and, with the heel of your hand, gently press the dough away from you. Turn the dough a quarter turn, and repeat until the dough begins to get smooth. Be patient; this could take several minutes. The more you knead the dough, the lighter and fluffier your bread will be. If and when it begins to stick to your hands or the countertop, stop kneading and scrape it up and redust your countertop with flour. Also, unmuck your hands by rubbing them together vigorously; then put a little more flour on them, too.

Step 6:
Now comes the really fun part: throwing the dough. Using both hands, pick up the dough by the edge closest to you. Make sure nobody is standing behind you, then swing it back over your shoulder and fling it onto the counter. You’ll know you’ve done it correctly if the dough stretches long and makes a ridiculously satisfying slapping sound upon contact. Then, fold the top down and turn it by a quarter. Gleefully, repeat the entire sequence—throw, fold, turn—for several minutes until the dough is smooth and elastic and you’re strangely flushed. To test its readiness, tug on it. It should feel resistant and shouldn’t break easily.

Step 7:
Grease a clean large bowl with a tiny bit of butter or oil, toss in your dough, and flip it a few times so all the sides are coated. Place plastic wrap (nothing else will do) over the top of your bowl and set a timer for 1 hour. Go relax while the yeast gets busy.

Step 8:
Revisit your dough when your timer goes off. It may not have risen very much yet at all, but fear not. It will. Remove the plastic wrap and picture your dough as a square. Using two hands, grab one side of the “square,” give it a little stretch, fold it to the center, and pat it down. Turn your bowl by a quarter, and repeat on the remaining three sides. Flip your dough over so that the smooth side is up, replace your plastic wrap, and set your timer for 1 more hour. Go chill out again.

Step 9:
Time to divide the dough. Dust your countertop with flour. Using your scraper or spatula, loosen the dough from your bowl and flip it out onto the flour. Cut the dough in half, using a scraper or knife, and pick up both pieces to make sure they feel equal in weight.

Step 10:
Roughly round each piece of dough by gathering up the edges to the middle as if you were forming a pouch from a piece of cloth. Flip the dough over and tuck the edges under to loosely finish the ball. Leaving your dough on the countertop, cover it with plastic wrap, and set your timer for 15 minutes. In the meantime, grease two standard loaf pans (9″ × 5″) with softened butter or oil, making sure to get all the corners and edges.

Step 11:
Shape your dough into something that looks like a loaf of bread. Dust a little flour on top of the dough and countertop. Using the scraper, loosen the dough from the counter and flip it over onto the flour, so the bottom is facing up. Gently tug two ends of the dough to form a rectangle with the short ends facing you. Fold in the long sides just a wee bit, and then gently pat it down. Grab the bottom short side of the dough with both hands and fold it into the center, sealing it with several taps of the heel of one hand. Repeat with the top edge of the dough. Next, place your fingers under the top of the dough and fold the top edge three-quarters of the way down the loaf. Press the seam down with your fingertips. Placing your thumbs on the seam you just created, fold the top of the dough down once more to meet the bottom edge. Tap the seam with the heel of your hand. Flip the dough, seam side down, and if it’s not long enough, roll it gently with the palms of your hands until it’s the length of the pan. Place the dough in the pan, seam-side down, and repeat with the remaining dough. Cover with plastic wrap, set your timer for another hour, and preheat your oven to 450 degrees. Now you’re getting close!

Step 12:
Check your dough to see if it’s ready to bake. It should have risen just over the top of the pan and be light and springy to the
touch. If it isn’t yet ready, go mope a little bit while you let it rise for another 30 minutes or so. If it is ready, pop it in the oven, spacing the pans evenly, and set a timer for 20 minutes.

Step 13:
Once your bread has been baking for 20 minutes, check on it. Rotate your pans, and check the color of your bread. It should just be turning a light golden brown. If it’s getting darker than you’d like, turn down your oven to 400 degrees. Regardless, bake for another 12 to 15 minutes.

Step 14:
Remove your golden-brown bread from the oven and flip it out of the pan. Knock on the bottom of each loaf. If it sounds hollow, your bread is finished! Transfer to a cooling rack.

Step 15:
Now, a test of will: Before slicing into your bread, you must wait at least an hour for the dough to set and the carbon dioxide inside it to dissipate. For now, enjoy the smell and start planning what you’d like to spread on top of it. You can never go wrong with butter!

• Measure your yeast or salt over the sink, not your bowl, so you don’t accidentally add too much.
  

• Don’t stress. Kneading takes a little practice, but you’ll find your rhythm soon enough. Besides, bread dough is forgiving, so you’ll have something good to eat no matter what.
  

• If you’d like sweeter bread, add 1 cup nuts or dried fruit (or any combination thereof) between steps 6 and 7. Just flatten your dough on the counter, sprinkle in your fixings, and knead several times.
  

• Keep opened yeast in the fridge and whole wheat flour in the freezer to maintain freshness. White bread flour can be stored in a cabinet.
  

• If you have a pizza stone, place it on the middle rack of your oven while your oven preheats. Baking your loaves on top of the stone (in pans) will make your bread lighter.
  

• To keep bread fresh, store at room temperature or wrap it in plastic and freeze it for up to 3 months. To thaw, keep it wrapped and set it out for several hours or unwrap it and put it in a 425-degree oven for 5 minutes.