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“Why not? She always pretends that Uncle Tor is something he ain’t. And Momma always tells me not to pretend and not to be ashamed.” She tossed her hair in a gesture that should have been far past her years. “Besides, you’re here, and that means you still love him, and that means I might get you back, right?”

Jake rolled his eyes. “Let me talk to your uncle before you start announcing stuff, okay?

Man doesn’t know which end is up, and you’ve got him married off. He might like it better without me around, you know.”

She shook her head firmly. “He doesn’t.”

Jake sighed again and looked around the room. “You got any new Lego?”

Susie bounced off the bed and almost tripped over a doll on her way to the closet.

Two hours later Jake stumbled from the bedroom and made his way to the kitchen, noting that the number of voices had diminished considerably. When he peered into the living room he found less then ten people sitting there, all of them comfortable and talking like they were old friends, which he assumed they were.

He retreated to the dining room and cleared the table, had gotten most of the dishes washed and put away when Becky appeared at his elbow.

“My God, what are you doing?”

“Just helping out,” he said with a smile. Becky looked better than she had earlier, the stress starting to fade. “Think you just needed to sit.”

She still looked shocked and a little displeased. “You’re a guest, you shouldn’t be doing this.”

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Jake snorted. “Like I’d rather be out there, dodging questions from Auntie Dot?”

Becky looked startled and then laughed. “What happened? She flew out of Susie’s room and headed right for the gin.”

“Susie told her I’m married to Tor,” he said with a grin.

“That’d do it. She’s convinced that he’s a gay old bachelor, not just gay.” Her smile faded. “What happened, Jake? Tor, he just…he’s been empty. Won’t talk about it at all, just says he did something terrible and nearly killed you.”

Jake was already shaking his head. “No. I mean, no, it wasn’t all his fault. The last of it was, the part that made me tell him to go? That was pretty bad. But the start of it was my fault, too.”

Becky sat at the kitchen table and waited for him to join her. “Tell me what he did? The way he talks, it’s like he took a knife and just cut your heart out.”

“Sorry. I’m not going to tell you, it’s not my place to spill his secrets. Just…look, it doesn’t matter now. It matters, I mean, but—shit.” Jake had no idea what he was trying to say.

He took a breath and started over. “Tor and I were having trouble. Then he did something and I kicked him out. But he stuck around, tried to make it better, and I wouldn’t let him; too wrapped up in my own pain, too hurt to let him in. But I’ve recently had my eyes opened to some truths and I want a chance to talk to him, tell him some things I should have said a long time ago.”

“So, you’re going to talk to him. And tell him what? I mean…God, Jake, if you’re not here to take him back, don’t even bother. The man’s a mess and I don’t want him hurt any more than he is.” She looked across the table at him, her eyes bright. “I know he did something bad to you, but he’s my brother, and I love him. Don’t hurt him, please?”

Jake shook his head slowly. “Not trying to hurt him, I swear. And I’m going to do my level best to make him hear me. But don’t be surprised if he doesn’t want to come back with me. Might be too late for that.”

Now Becky shook her head, so hard her hair slipped from behind her ears. “You don’t know. You haven’t seen him. He loves you so much, Jake.”

“I hope so. But I’m not counting on it. Can’t.”

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Chapter Forty-five

Jake stopped at a drive through coffee shop and got two large. He knew he needed it, and was pretty sure Tor would, too. It was well past suppertime, and he’d finally told Becky that he’d go wake Tor up and bring him back. Susie had kissed him goodnight and asked him to come back for lunch the next day.

“Depends, kiddo. Gotta see how your uncle feels about that.”

He hoped her uncle would still be speaking him come morning, but he knew there wasn’t any guarantee. Only thing he knew was that he wasn’t heading back to Arkansas until he’d told Tor what he had to. After that, it was up to Tor.

He let himself into the hotel room, unsurprised to find Tor still sleeping in the bed. It looked like the man hadn’t even moved, except maybe to toss and turn a bit. He was still flat out on his back, but the blankets were twisted around his legs, one bare foot sticking out.

Jake set the coffee down on the dresser and quietly looked through his bag, getting out his jeans and a softer shirt. He changed in the bathroom, pretty sure that Tor suddenly waking up to find him half naked wouldn’t be a good idea.

When he came out, tucking his shirt in and trying to fix one sock that had gotten twisted, Tor was just starting to wake up, blinking at him blearily.

“Hey,” Jake said, fighting a sudden case of cold feet. “Got coffee.” He picked up one of the paper cups and brought it over to the bed, setting it on the nightstand. Then he took his own and sat on the other bed, sitting on the edge while Tor sat up, the sheets pooling around his waist.

“Thanks,” Tor said, running a hand through his hair. “What time is it?”

“Almost nine.”

“Fuck.” Tor blinked a few times and reached for the coffee. “Feel like I’ve been drug through a ditch somewhere.”

Jake nodded and sipped at his coffee, belatedly realising that Tor would probably want to get up and dressed. He glanced at the chair where Tor had tossed his pants, shirt and tie, the suit jacket somewhere else. “Want me to go? So you can dress?”

Tor swallowed a mouthful of coffee and shook his head. “Want you to tell me why you’re here.”

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A hard knot formed in Jake’s belly. “Maybe we should wait. You’ve had a God awful week, at least, and—”

Tor glared at him. “And spending the next few hours wondering what the hell is going on in your head is going to help me how?”

Even Jake could see the point in that. He looked down at his knees and stifled the urge to run. “Yeah. Okay.” He looked up at Tor again and nodded, forcing himself to go on. “All right. But if you don’t want to hear it all right now, you tell me. I’m not going back until we’ve talked, but I still think right now is wrong.”

Tor rolled his eyes. “Just talk, yeah?”

Jake nodded and set his coffee down carefully, not sure how to start. He’d gone over everything he wanted to say so many times, but the beginning had always eluded him.

Finally, he looked at Tor and said, “Hound and Del showed up about a week and a half ago.”

Tor winced. “Christ, Hound must be wanting to kill me,” he said, closing his eyes.

Jake raised an eyebrow. “No, don’t think so. He’s not real happy with me, though.”

Tor stared at him for a moment, then his expression cleared. “You should have told him what I did. Then he’d be venting about me, not you.”

“Did tell him.”

“Why’s he pissed at you then?” Tor asked, obviously confused. He pried the lid off his coffee and looked at it, his thumb flicking over the rim of the plastic.

Jake sighed and shifted on the bed. “Because I’m an idiot.”

That earned him a searching look. Tor drank some coffee, waiting him out.

“Look, it’s like this,” Jake said, hoping to fuck he’d get all the way through it without losing control. “Hound said a lot of things that made me think, made me take a look at shit I didn’t want to. Stuff I’d been trying to bury, but just wouldn’t go away.”

He looked at Tor and something close to understanding was in Tor's eyes, and it made him keep talking.

“I’ve not been doing so well,” he admitted. “Been working and sleeping and doing what I have to, and just…not thinking. Hound gave me a kick, got me pointed at some things.”

“Like what?” Tor asked, his voice low. He was looking at the coffee lid, his fingers tracing the edge over and over.

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“Like a lot of things I should have told you before. I’ve done some fucked up stuff in my day, Tor, you know that. But one of the worst was probably taking for you for granted, not telling you things.”

Tor stared at him for a long moment, then shook his head. “I don’t get it.”

Jake bit his lip. “We were—me and Hound, I mean—we were talking. He got me thinking about what happened before the summer, about how you and I got to a point where it could even happen. And it got me thinking about a lot of things, then Del said it comes down to—”

“Del talked to you?” The idea seemed to amuse Tor, though the grin disappeared quickly.

“Yeah, and what is that man’s problem, anyway? Half the time he seems okay, then he just sort of avoids me.”

Tor shrugged. “What did he say?”

“Said a lot of things; they both they did.” Jake reached for his coffee and sat back further on the bed. “Hound said a bunch of stuff about talking to each other, making sure things get sorted right instead of just shoved aside. And when I thought about it I realised he was right—you and me, we just sort of calmed down, but we never really resolved anything.”

Tor nodded slowly. “I guess.”

Jake decided to take that as encouragement. At least Tor was listening and not telling him to fuck off. Yet. “Little stuff and big stuff, it all just sort of grew. The fights we had—remember when you messed with the schedule? I told you not to do it again–”

“And I didn’t—”

“Right, but I never told you why. Aside from it being my job to set ‘em.”

Tor looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “So, why?”

The knot in Jake’s belly tightened. This was the hard part, the opening up. Fuck, if Hound and Del did this every time they had a fight, they were stronger men than he was. “’Cause it made me feel like you were taking advantage. Like you knew you could mess with the schedule, get what you wanted, and it was okay because we were together.”

Tor’s eyes widened. “Fuck, really?”

“Yeah. Made me madder than hell that you would do that.”

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“But, I didn’t—I mean, that’s not what I meant to do. I was just…I thought that it would work better, that the work would get done and everyone would be happy.” Tor looked around the room for a moment. “I’m sorry,” he offered.

“I know you are, and I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. You and me—we just assumed the other one would know everything. And we didn’t, which is now blindingly obvious. We never got things cleared up, just fought and fucked and went on our merry way.”

Tor drew his legs up and rearranged the blankets. “Okay. So we let ourselves get buried in our own shit. Doesn’t explain why you’re here, talking about it now.”

“Didn’t realize it until they made me think. You might not have noticed, but I’m really not one for introspection.”

“Bullshit. You do it all the time.”

Jake sighed. “Okay, how about it was easier to blame you than to think any of it was my fault? And worse, it was easier to blame you, knowing it was partly my fault, and not care.”

Tor shook his head. “Was my fault, Jake. I’m the one who—who slept with Travis. I’m the one who cheated and lied.”

“Yeah, you are. And that damn near destroyed me, I won’t tell you any different. But it was you and me together who made it even possible for you to do that. You think it would have happened three years ago?” Jake leaned forward resting his elbows on his legs. “Point is, we hurt each other a lot. And I know it, now. And I’m sorry I hurt you so bad you looked somewhere else.”

“Jake—Jesus.” Tor looked stunned, his eyes wide. “You don’t have to say you’re sorry, not after what I did—”

“The hell I don’t!” Jake stiffened, anger coming from somewhere, unknown and unexpected. “You don’t get to carry it all. Was me as well as you, and if you can’t let me shoulder my part, even though it’s taken me an age to see it, than we can’t fix anything.

Gotta take our own parts.”

“Fix?” Tor asked, his voice low.

Damn. That part wasn’t supposed to happen yet, he still had too much to say.

“Yeah. If you want to.” Jake swallowed hard. “Ain’t nothing without you. I ache all the time, I miss you. I want…hell, I want to see if there’s a way we can get it back.”

Tor didn’t say anything for a few long moments, and when he did his voice was hoarse.

“You said you couldn’t trust me ever again. And I understood that. I accepted it.”

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“Was before I figured out how bad I’d messed up.” Jake put the coffee back down and rubbed his eyes. “Not saying it’s going to be easy—we’ve got too much to talk about, not the least of which is Travis. But I know I’d rather be with you than without you, and I’m willing to do what I can to get you to come back.”

Tor took a shuddering breath and let it out slowly. “Miss you, too. More than I’d thought possible.” He sat up straighter and rearranged the pillows behind him, then looked at Jake, his eyes serious. “Think we should talk about Travis before we decide anything, though. You might change your mind.”

“Doubt it,” Jake said with a short-lived smile. “Wouldn’t have come all this way, been looking for you for the last week, if I hadn’t gotten it sorted. I just…I need to know some stuff.”

“You were looking for me?” Tor sounded surprised and Jake smiled again.

“Yeah, called day and night last weekend.” The smile vanished. “Then Becky called me on Monday night.”

“Oh.”

Jake stood up, his legs a little shaky from nerves and tension. When he crossed the space between the beds Tor’s eyes widened a little, but he shifted over to make room for Jake to sit.

“What do you want to know?” Tor asked, then licked his lips looking as nervous as a virgin bride on her wedding night.

Jake took a breath and waited until he was steady. He knew what he needed to ask, and if the answer wasn’t one that he liked it would be okay. But it would put a serious crimp in what he wanted the rest of the night to be like.

“When you were with him did you—” he paused and shook his head at himself, hating that he was hesitating now, after all that he’d managed to say. “Need to know if you were safe,” he finally mumbled.