I Carry Your Heart (Heart Series Book 1) (7 page)

Perfect.

Could not have planned it better.

I closed the door ready to begin the conversation I knew would ultimately change things forever. But the grave look Joel gave me, sent my heart plummeting.

“Joel, we need to talk–”

“Iz please…” He cut me off, letting out a loud exhale of frustration.

Fuck.

My eyes flashed to his. “No Joel, I need to say it, I need you know I can’t stop thinking about you. I feel this intensity when we’re together, the way you look at me. I want to be more than friends. I want to be with you. I know Mike won’t be happy but I’ve never felt like this way before, and I know you feel it too, but I need to know for certain. Please tell me what you’re thinking…” The last part came out as a sob, he’d barely given me eye contact throughout. In my heart I knew what that meant, I just had trouble accepting it.

“Iz…” he whispered. His eyes dropped down to the ground, sending my heart plummeting further.

He didn’t want me.

I’d just freed myself of the secret that had tormented me for six years, only to be rejected within a matter of seconds.

He let out a long, deep breath, he slowly looked back up, his eyes now sad and pained. “We can’t be together, yes I do feel it too but I’m no good for you. You deserve far better than me…”

“But I want you–”

“I can’t – I won’t do it to Mike. He warned me off you, he said from day one you were off limits and he’s my best friend. If we get together it will rip your family apart and I love your family, I don’t want to destroy it. We can’t act on our feelings, I think it’s best that we just keep our distance from each other.”

“NO!” I screamed. “I don’t give a shit about what Mike thinks, if we want to be together then it has nothing to do with him. Please if you feel anything for me you would try, we owe it to ourselves to see where this is heading,” I pleaded, my eyes begging for him to change his mind.

His eyes burned into mine for a few moments. “Izzy, I have to respect my best friend wishes, god knows I would be the same if I had a sister. We can’t be together and I think we need to keep away from each other, till whatever this is blows over,” he said, waving his hand dismissively.

What the fuck?

“Blows over, it’s not like a fucking cold, I have feelings for you. I want to be with you and if you felt the same about me, then you would go with what’s in your heart, obviously I don’t mean that much to you then!”

Joel’s eyes widened and he grabbed my arms, pulling me close to his face. “How can you say that, I am in agony here. I don’t enjoy this misery, it’s killing me.”

“Then be with me,” I screamed, my voice was so full of anguish I barely recognised it. Everything was crumbling around me, I was grasping on for dear life, hoping and preying for any sign he’d change his mind.

He immediately dropped his hands, like I was suddenly tainted. He walked over to the window and pressed his face into the glass, taking in long, heavy breaths.

I stood up, but my feet remained cemented to the floor. Tears streamed down my face, my eyes never left his for a moment. The air had turned toxic and despair filled my lungs, as I struggled to breathe. I knew what was coming before he even opened his mouth.

He turned around and my eyes locked with his.

“Please Joel.” It came out more as a whisper. I held my breath, waiting for him to shatter the little piece of hope I had left.

“I can’t Iz, and you need to accept that. We will never be together.”

A loud sob broke free. Joel flinched at my response and his jaw tightened. I wanted to collapse in a heap right there but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

I had to leave.

I couldn’t bear to be around him a moment longer. I stormed out of the room as the sobs came thick and fast, my body losing the fight to hold them back.

I raced up the stairs, slamming the door hard behind me. I flung myself down onto the bed, giving into the misery and pain, as my heart slowly shattered into a million pieces.

After a few minutes I heard a light knock on my door. “Iz, are you okay?”

Was he actually kidding?

“Just leave me alone Joel,” I managed to croak out. “You asked me to do that for you, so you need to respect my wishes too.”

“I’m sorry Iz, I never meant for it to go this far.” His voice sounded strained. I wondered if he’d been crying too? But I was too angry to care, I’d long run out of sympathy.

“I’m sorry too for ever thinking we could be together, I’m such an idiot.”

Yeah, a right fucking idiot.

“Iz, you’re not. I’m the idiot. You’ll be glad one day when you meet Mr Right that I turned you down, you deserve so much better than me.”

The thought alone made me sick. I only ever wanted him, but he didn’t want me.

Game over.

“Just leave me alone Joel.” My voice cracked and I pushed my face deeper into the pillow, muffling the sobs.

He sighed deeply, before moving away to make his way back downstairs. Once the front door slammed I gave into the grief, welcoming myself to a whole new world of pain.

I stayed holed up in my room for the majority of the day, hiding away from life. I knew it was ridiculous, grieving over something I never had. But that didn’t stop the ache and the endless tears falling, as I well and truly gave into the pain.

The odd time I ventured out I avoided Joel like the plague. When he walked into a room, I simply walked out. Unable to breathe the same air, his proximity was almost stifling me, killing me with every breath.

From the brief discreet glances, he appeared no different. He bore no signs of sadness. His laughter reverberated through me like a knife twisting in my heart. He continued to act care free, like the pain and anguish of yesterday never really happened.

I hated him.

His reaction was like a kick in the teeth. His life continued to carry on as normal, as I drowned in my own misery.

The voices filtering down the hallway were enough to distract me from my thoughts. I quickly sat up and tiptoed over to my door, holding my breath to listen in on the conversation.

“Hey Joel, did you invite Chloe tonight?” Mike asked. The eagerness in his voice sent a wave of disgust right through me. The guy would seriously bang anything.

“Yeah, she’s bringing Micha, Louise and Leila.”

“Well, the more the merrier.”

My Brother was such a slag.

I was sure he’d have a good go trying it on with the majority of the women at the party tonight, the thought left me thoroughly repulsed.

“I invited Jessica and she’s bringing some friends, I know you’ve had your eye on her for a while Joel, so tonight might be the night?”

What?

I literally stopped breathing. The blood pumping in my ears was the only sounds registering, as a single tear trickled down my cheek.

“And you never know, you might be able to get some of her friends to participate too.”

The bile rose in my throat listening to Mike’s words.

I couldn’t breathe.

The inevitable was about to happen.

I grabbed the door handle, wrenching it open. To be met with Mike and Joel’s surprised faces. I caught sight of Joel’s face in that brief moment, his eyes gave me a look of concern, only making me run faster.

I slammed the bathroom door shut and my knees hit the cold, hard tiles. I wretched for what seemed like hours, though it was barely minutes, until my throat was completely raw.

Flopping back down against the wall, the tears streamed down my face. The muffled voices had long departed. I was now left alone. The sobs slowly subsided, and the realisation hit home.

I meant nothing to him.

How could he be so cold and callous, carrying on like yesterday never happened? But he made it perfectly clear I wasn’t worth fighting for. I had to accept it and move on.

After all he had.

I pushed myself up from the floor and scrubbed my hands down my tear-streaked face. I needed to put operation move on into action. First off I was in dire need of a bubble bath, it always seemed to calm me. I needed time to mentally prepare myself for the long night ahead.

Spilling nearly half the contents of the bottle into the bath, my fuzzy head filled with the soothing tones of Jasmine. Minutes later I slipped under the bubbles, sighing loudly. Bubble baths always had the desired effect. I closed my eyes becoming lost, my thoughts finally eased off for the first time that day.

After thirty minutes of relaxation, I knew I had to psych myself up. Tonight was going to be hard, but I refused to become the chocolate eating hermit that stayed in her room forever. If they were partying, then so was I, showing Joel exactly what he was missing. All the sadness, the tears and the agony would be put on hold for one night. Tonight vodka would my friend of choice.

I swung open the wardrobe door, on a mission to find the perfect dress. The dress of all dresses. Tonight was all about taking risks. I knew the moment my fingers came to rest on the short, sexy, red little number, that this was definitely the one. A smile crept across my lips, holding it aloft, as my fingers stroked against the soft, fine fabric. It was a sexy, mini red strapless dress, I’d been hesitant to buy at the time, but Elijah had sold me on the fact that with legs as long as mine, it would be criminal not to.

It would provoke the kind of reaction I wanted, so for that reason alone I was definitely wearing it.

Elijah arrived shortly after, looking impeccably dressed in a blue and white striped shirt teamed with cream trousers and braces, topped off with a bowtie. He was going for the preppy look tonight. His sexy smile lit up his face when I answered the door, but it dropped the moment he saw me.

He frowned, staring deep into my bloodshot eyes. “Hey sexy girl…wait have you been crying? Your eyes look all red and puffy.” He grabbed me, pulling me close, his eyes scrutinising my face.

I pulled away slightly from his unwelcoming inspection. “Yeah, just been watching The Notebook,” I answered and smiled weakly, hoping he’d buy my tiny lie.

His eyes narrowed looking at me. “Watching Ryan without me? Hmmm I thought we agreed to share him together?” He maintained a straight face, but I saw the smile he was attempting to hold back.

I laughed, just grateful he’d bought my story. I pulled him into a hug, needing the comfort of his strong arms around me more than ever.

“Tonight is going to be fun Iz, what are you wearing?”

I bit my lip, stepping out of his hold. “Well I was thinking of finally wearing the red mini.”

“Oh my god yes.” He jumped around clapping his hands. “I thought that dress would be doomed to see the insides of your wardrobe forever, I’m so excited.”

“I can tell.” I giggled at his reaction, pulling him indoors. “Come on I need your help Cinderellaising me. I need to look good.”

“Well sweetie, I’m going to make you look hot for the ball,” he replied winking.

I was certain he most definitely would.

* * *

I stood marvelling at myself in the mirror, Elijah had weaved his usual magic. My hair was meticulously styled in loose waves and my makeup done to perfection. My hands smoothed down the hot red dress, as Elijah stood grinning behind me with delight. The dress was indeed short, I’d definitely have to limit any form of movement tonight. My nails were painted a blood red to match my dress, and my eyes were now dark and smoky to compliment my very vampy look. After blotting the second coat of my ruby red lips, I decided it was time for the games to begin.

Joel’s eyes were instantly on me, the moment I left my bedroom. He stood looking speechless at the top of the stairs. His eyes slowly roamed up and down my body, taking in every inch of me, then quickly darkened with lust.

I definitely got the reaction I wanted.

In football terms, that was 1-0 to me.

He stalked off in anger, the rigid look of his jaw looked like it was about to snap. Elijah walked up behind me, looping his arm around my waist and we headed down to the party.

Walking into the now packed kitchen, we squeezed our way through the mass of hot sweaty bodies. I was grateful to be wearing a short dress, the temperature would only rise the later the night went on.

Elijah passed me a plastic cup and I began filling it up with vodka, only adding a little coke as an afterthought.

I took a large swig and grimaced, feeling the potent liquid burn all the way down to my toes. It was to be the first of many.

Half way through refilling my cup, Elijah’s hand brushed against my shoulder. “Steady on Iz, you’re not used to drinking.”

I looked up into soft, warm brown eyes, filled with concern. But all I wanted to do was escape, for a few hours at least. To have some relief from the pain and alcohol was my medication of choice.

“Is it too much to enjoy myself for once?” I snapped, annoyed he was judging my behaviour. It was only my second drink of the night, he was the one telling me I should loosen up like a million times a day.

His eyes widened in surprise. “Hell no, I think I’ll join you.” He grabbed the vodka, pouring himself a large cupful. Several drinks later, we felt all warm and fuzzy with the alcohol flowing through our bodies.

We headed into the lounge, only to be met with a roomful of people I barely even recognised. The music was so loud it was practically bouncing off the walls.

The majority of people were dancing. There was one girl grinding up tight against a guy, I could see his erection from here.

Oh god.

It set me off laughing. The vodka was definitely having the desired effect. The after burn sensation was no longer an issue, my body had grown accustomed to it. Which was good, as I intended to have far more before the night was through.

My legs wobbled slightly. I needed to sit down, before I fell down. But the couple making out on the sofa, was enough to make me lose the entire contents of my stomach. I cringed in disgust, watching his hand disappear underneath her skirt. I made a mental note to never sit there ever again.

Several pairs of eyes openly gawked at me, I blushed slightly when their eyes roamed up and down my body. I tugged on my dress, suddenly wishing it were longer.

I threw back some more vodka, hoping to escape their eyes and to deaden the chaos inside my head. I smiled, when Elijah’s arms wrapped around me from behind. 

His soft lips kissed my cheek. “Hey sweetie, I really need to dance so I’m just going to go and put something on, be back in a mo.”

He grinned over at me and I threw my head back laughing, hearing the first few chords of the song. Pour some sugar on me began blaring out the speakers, it was his favourite song to dance to. Elijah was a massive eighties fanatic, revelling in the music and fashion. He had quite a collection of vinyl’s and films from that era. He always said he should have been an eighties child, and I had to agree, he would have totally fit right in.

My body flinched in surprise, when Elijah grabbed my hand. He jumped up onto the coffee table, pulling me up with him.

Our bodies were pressed tight together, grinding up against each other. We worked the table like a dancers podium. Whoops and screams filled the air, when we touched each other. Everyone in the room was staring, but my eyes never left Elijah’s. This was the release I needed, I finally felt alive.

I never wanted to be sober again.

Over the music I heard some guys hollering for me to take it off. Elijah spun me round and I caught sight of Joel glaring at me. He was standing talking to a girl.

Arsehole.

I grinded extra hard into Elijah, just to piss him off even more.

Ha, take that!

I smiled as the whoops grew louder. Elijah grabbed my leg and I squealed, as he hoisted it up so it was pinned against his hip. He bent me over backwards in a Dirty Dancing style pose. He laughed hard into my chest, kissing me hard on the lips, before bringing me back up.

Oh he was definitely wasted too.

A scream left my lips, as a strong pair of arms grabbed me around the waist, pulling me down, pressing me up against a warm, hard body.

I spun around and my face automatically dropped, looking into a pair of angry blue eyes. “Get the fuck off me,” I slurred, pushing him away like he repulsed me.

His eyes flashed with anger and his jaw twitched, but his eyes remained locked on mine. He stared intently for a few moments then grabbed me again. “Iz you’re drunk, I think you need to lie down until it wears off, let me take you to your room.”

I scowled at his words. “Why do you care,” I screamed in his ear, pulling myself out of his hold. I staggered back over to Elijah and grabbed his hand, dragging him towards the kitchen. “Let’s do some shots,” I shouted extra loud so Joel could hear.

I was enjoying pissing him off.

He deserved it.

We pushed our way through the crowd congregating in the kitchen. My eyes lit up the moment they fell on the bottle of tequila. I was totally over vodka, tequila was now my new best friend.

The first few shots were hard going. I scrunched my eyes tight each time, dealing with the after burn, my throat was literally on fire.

The chuckling in the distance grabbed my attention and I popped open an eye, to see a really cute guy standing there. He was watching me with great amusement, as he slowly sipped on a beer.

His smile was enough to coax me over, the tequila giving me the extra confidence I needed. I had no inhibitions, I was finally free and loving every minute of it.

“Hey, you’re certainly hitting the tequila hard.” He motioned to the bottle I was clutching tight in my hand.

“Well it is a party.” I lifted up the bottle, jiggling it at him, as I poured out another shot. I sloshed some onto the counter. My hand eye coordination had definitely gone out the window.

“True, I’m Rob by the way.” He looked at me a little too intently and I flushed a little. I wasn’t that drunk to notice his eyes slowly trailing down my body.

Ugh pervert.

“Izzy.” I faked a smile. “Do you fancy taking a shot Rob?” I asked, holding up a glass, using my powers of persuasion on him.