I Carry Your Heart (Heart Series Book 1) (11 page)

He smiled squeezing my hand in reply, too choked up at the moment to speak.

“You just need to find the right woman, someone decent that will love you with all their heart.” My voice broke, the words almost choking me. The thought of Joel loving someone else was almost too much to take.

“I know the women I go with are just a distraction, nothing long term.” He sighed and I snorted.

Never a truer word spoken.

We continued holding hands; in truth I never wanted to let go. He turned around slowly shuffling in his seat, fully facing me, I could see the conflict in his eyes. He licked his lips slowly and his hand gripped mine tighter.

“I know what I said about betraying Mike, and at the time all I could think about was that I didn’t want to lose your family, but I can’t keep pretending not to care. I can’t hold back my feelings any longer. I have missed you so much, all the happy times we shared together now haunt me. I know it was my fault, I destroyed everything by my stupid actions, but believe me Iz I have suffered. Just seeing your face that morning, the look of hurt and pain caused by something I did, I have to live with that.”

His head dropped down and my heart hammered deep in my chest.

He felt the same?

I reached over and placed my hand on his shoulder, rubbing it soothingly.

He slowly lifted his head up, his eyes now filled with unshed tears. They held so much anguish, I felt tears prick in my own.

“I know you can never forgive me for what I did and that is my hell. That is the biggest regret I will have to live with, but I will love you forever Iz, and will spend the rest of my life haunted by my decision for ever letting you go.” The look he gave me was so sincere but it was his words that floored me.

“What?” I stammered, needing to hear him say it again.

He closed his eyes, the silence once again filling the room. Before it became unbearably uncomfortable, he finally spoke again. “I’m in love with you Iz, and I can’t fight it any longer, it’s killing me. I love everything about you, you’re funny, sexy, smart and that fiery temper of yours just gets me going. I can’t get you out of my head; you consume me. You are in my every waking thought, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”

He was in love with me?

Was I actually dreaming right now?

My head felt dizzy trying to process his words. Funny? Well yeah in my own sarcastic way, smart maybe but sexy? Hell no!

I blushed at the very thought.

I flinched when he grabbed both hands, pulling me onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. Our faces were barely inches apart, as his eyes looked deep into mine.

He smiled as his hands cupped my face. Mine quickly covered his, keeping them in place. “Ever since the day we met, I just wanted to protect and look after you. You were so young, always so quiet and mouse like. Mike said from the start you were a no go, he would kill me if I ever hit on you. So I pretended like you were my sister, putting my thoughts about you to the back of mind. That’s when the girl’s became the distraction.” He dropped his hands and turned away, but not before I saw the flash of guilt in his eyes.

I pulled his face back to mine, prompting with my eyes to carry on. He let out a loud sigh and his tongue flicked over his bottom lip. My hand still held his face, as my thumb brushed over his cheekbone.

“I slept with them but it was to avoid my feelings for you. The older you got, the cockier I became, wanting you to be disgusted by my behaviour. It would make it easier on me if you couldn’t stand me, but over time it just got harder.” He paused, taking a breath.

“Then when I saw you at the party, all the feelings I’d tried to keep locked away resurfaced, you just looked so beautiful and I just wanted to sit and hold you that night…well until Mike interrupted us.”

I pulled a face, still angry with Mike for breaking up our tender moment. He always had a way of unknowingly interfering.

“Then when you started coming to the pub to see me, spending more and more together, it made me realise I was falling for you. I wanted to tell you that day when you confronted me, but I was too scared of what the repercussions would be. I’ve missed you so much, the times we shared were everything I ever dreamt of. It was nice to have you to myself without Mike being there.” He swallowed slowly, looking away.

I knew he needed a moment.

I continued stroking his cheek, allowing him all the time he needed. His eyes eventually locked with mine and he sighed, dropping his face down. “I knew I would screw up eventually and hurt you. I will never forgive myself for the pain I caused you.” His eyes stared deep into mine, the guilt clearly evident. He quickly closed them, unable to look at me a moment longer.

My thumb skimmed over his perfect cheekbone, slowly brushing over his now healed lip. He gasped and his lips parted. I could see how much he reacted to my touch.

My heart was hammering deep in my chest. I dropped my hand down to his, feeling his rapid beat too. His eyes fluttered open and I took in a sharp breath, seeing them mirror the love he held inside.

“I love you too Joel,” I whispered. Relieved the words I’d kept secret for so long had finally been spoken.

He continued staring, too choked up to speak, as we both got lost in the moment.

His thumb softly caressed my cheek and my breath hitched, when he slowly guided my lips onto his. The sparks flew the moment our lips touch. It was sweet and innocent at first, as our lips moulded perfectly together, enjoying the connection.

Then his lips parted and I shivered. His tongue flicked over my lower lip, ever so softly. I gasped with the sensation, softly moaning with delight. His tongue slowly slipped inside and began caressing with mine. Within seconds we’d found a natural rhythm, and my other hand automatically headed straight to his hair.

I’d fantasised for so long, imagining how good it would feel running through my fingers. It didn’t disappoint, it was better than any dream I’d ever had.

I grabbed small handfuls of the silky, soft strands and grasped it tight, losing myself in the kiss.

He moaned loudly into my mouth, with my over zealous hair tugging.

Oh shit.

Trust me to ruin the moment.

I pulled away worried by his response, blaming myself for my overly keenness. Well I had waited a long time to experience it.

“I’m not hurting you am I?” I asked, feeling confused.

I thought hair grabbing was sexy?

Well it was in all the films I’d watched.

He chuckled at my face. “No Iz, I find it sexy, I was groaning in delight.” He cupped the back of my head, pulling me in for another kiss. Both hands became lost in his hair and we both groaned at the pleasure we were giving each other.

His hand slowly drifted down to my lower back, shifting up my vest top slightly, so his fingers had access to stroke my bare skin.

The sensation sent shivers up my spine, as his tongue hypnotised me with his sensual rhythm. I knew I was falling deeper, wanting more. My hands locked tighter into his hair, the intensity growing between us, my body felt like it was about to burst into flames.

God I wanted him so bad.

Joel broke away first, panting hard. His hand held mine and my face dropped in confusion.

“Did I do something wrong?” I whimpered. Already missing his mouth against mine. I looked deep into his eyes but he didn’t respond.

He shuffled around before placing me back on the chair opposite. He walked over to the sink, filling a glass with water. He slowly sipped it and stared out of the window.

“Joel, what’s wrong? Please tell me.”

My heart was racing in blind panic.

He let out a huge sigh, leaning against the kitchen counter. His hands propping him up, as his head hung low. I sat just staring, almost too scared to speak.

Had he suddenly changed his mind?

I didn’t have the strength to undo this, to ever recover from this.

“Nothing’s wrong Iz, I just need to calm down. I was getting a little carried away…” he said, chuckling softly, his breathing still heavy.

My eyes dropped down to his boxers and there it was standing to attention. I blushed realising how badly I affected him. Then blushed even deeper realising Joel had caught me looking at his package.

Oh god no.

He laughed walking back over, pulling me into his arms. “God you’re so adorable.” He chuckled, kissing my cheek. I nuzzled my face into his neck and gave him a soft kiss, tucking my head under his chin.

We stood enjoying the comfort of being wrapped tightly around each other, as he kissed and stroked my hair.

I was in heaven.

I slowly melted into him, his delicious scent was overpowering. I sagged slightly in his arms and he pushed away slightly. I frowned the moment his arms left my body, mourning their loss. “Right Iz, we need to get you to bed.”

Oh god.

I felt my face flush.

Every fantasy I’d ever had instantly flashed inside my head.

He laughed, placing both hands on my face, so I was staring into those adorable blue eyes. “Your bed Izzy, you’ve got such a dirty mind sometimes.” He playfully shook his head and I laughed, he was just teasing me.

“Just one more hug and then I’ll go quietly,” I pleaded, pouting my lips slightly.

He sighed when I nuzzled my face back into his warm, hard chest, as his strong arms cradled me.

This was everything I’d ever wanted, ever desired.

This was where I truly belonged.

Soft music filtered through the room and a smile touched my lips, walking into the kitchen, just feeling his presence.

Mike and Joel munched loudly on their toast. They were both equally engrossed in reading their sports pages, too busy to notice me enter. My Mother softly hummed along to the radio, busying herself with making the breakfast.

I grabbed a couple of slices from the stack, concentrating on spreading the butter and jam. My mind happily wandered to other delicious places, re-enacting the night before. I smiled with complete gratitude, when my Mother placed the coffee down in front of me.

Ahh, sweet nectar.

It was more than a welcoming sight. A huge caffeine fix was in order to get me through the day. Not that I was complaining about last night’s activities.

That was more than worth it.

I nibbled lightly on the toast, as another smile threatened to break out. Just remembering how good those lips felt against mine. The looks he had given me, the intensity throughout. I could feel my body instantly reacting to my thoughts, the heat beginning to build inside. Then fear crept in like a cold, cruel tidal wave, crashing over me as doubt quickly spread through me. Did he still feel the same?

Had Joel changed his mind within the last six hours?

I discretely glanced to my side, to look at him. To dispel the insecurities multiplying rapidly inside, only to find him staring right back.

Joel smiled and I blushed, overwhelmed as my eyes focused on those lips. The lips that had undone me within seconds just hours earlier.

I dropped my gaze down to the table, hoping Mike wasn’t witness to it, observing the intensity shining in my eyes.

Joel slowly manoeuvred his hand down and held it out to the side, signalling for my hand to join his.

My breath hitched, when his warm hand brushed against mine. Enjoying the sensation of our fingers as they interlocked together.

He gave me a reassuring squeeze and stroked me slowly with his thumb, sending shivers throughout my body. I closed my eyes, concentrating on the tiny electrical pulses radiating through me.

It was pure heaven.

The feel of his soft, warm skin against mine, our bodies connecting. I knew in this moment, I never wanted to let go.

* * *

The door creaked, drawing my attention away from packing my bag. I barely had the chance to turn around, before I was instantly encircled by a strong pair of arms and pulled back into a hard chest. “Did you have sweet dreams about me last night gorgeous?” he whispered in my ear.

My body shivered at his warm breath, tickling softly against my skin. I smiled at his words, as my body melted into his.

He was just too cute.

“Of course, though it’s not my first time,” I said, turning around slowly. Enjoying the surprised look on his gorgeous face. My hands naturally headed upwards to entwine in his thick, silky, smooth hair.

A huge grin spread across his face and he quirked up a brow in intrigue. “You’ve dreamt about me before? What was I doing?” His head dropped down and I gasped lightly, when his lips began placing feather light kisses down my neck.

I sagged slightly, overwhelmed by his touch. “Oh the usual, kissing, touching, tasting, the list is endless.”

My voice became more breathless, when his mouth reached that sensitive spot below my ear. I felt a twitch in his pants, his body reacting to my words. I knew we had to stop, before I threw him down hard and leapt on top of him.

Joel groaned loudly when I pushed away, his arms desperately trying to hold on as I giggled at his expression.

I slowly slid my hands up his warm, firm chest and our eyes locked in a soft, loving gaze. I smiled as he leaned in to kiss me, but his face dropped when I stepped backwards, out of his hold. I could see confusion there in his eyes, and a mixture of sadness and rejection filled him.

I smiled at him reassuringly and grabbed his hand, placing a gentle kiss into his palm. His shy sweet smile had me melting, as my hand held his. “We’re going to be late,” I eventually said laughing, pulling him towards my bedroom door.

“And your point is?” he asked pouting, looking thoroughly disgruntled. I giggled before shoving him out the last few steps.

He bobbed his head back in, giving me a soft, sweet, heart-stopping kiss. Leaving me completely breathless as he disappeared out the door. I had a pretty good feeling I’d be repeating that moment over and over in my head, for the rest of the day.

* * *

Over the next week we snatched short periods of time together. Each moment only fuelled my desires even more. My body constantly ached to be near him, but life got in the way. I had college and Joel had his job. We kept up the pretence act of barely being civil during mealtimes, exchanging harsh words across the dinner table. Mike remained oblivious, almost revelling in our pretend arguments. Though all throughout our performance I saw a look of insecurity Joel held in his eyes. Especially each time I used his man whore past as a weapon against him. Despite my constant reassurances afterwards, I was still haunted by his sad look. That look almost broke me.

I was almost at melting point at our lack of alone time together, I knew I needed to take matters into my own hands. So I feigned illness one afternoon, knowing Joel would be at home, relaxing on his day off. I hated lying to Elijah, but the need to spend time with Joel was far greater.

Clicking the front door quietly behind me, I crept along the hallway. Peeping around the corner, to find Joel lying flat out across the sofa. His large, muscular arms were crossed behind his head. His muscles extended to the maximum, as my eyes fell down onto his tattoo sleeve. His t-shirt had risen up, giving a flash of his perfectly toned washboard stomach.

Wow, he really was perfect.

My tongue swiped over my lips, as my eyes devoured every inch of his glorious body.

I could stare at him all day.

But we only had four hours and I didn’t want to waste a single second.

I stood listening for a few moments, straining to hear if he was actually asleep. The background noise from the television was too distracting. The anticipation bubbling away inside was too strong to wait a moment longer.

I needed my hands on him now.

“Hey lazybones,” I chirped, bending down to kiss his warm, stubbly cheek.

His eyes sprang open and I shrieked, as his hands shot out grabbing me. He pulled me down onto the sofa to lie beside him, so our faces were barely inches apart.

I sighed, staring at his perfect face. He really was too attractive for his own good. I wanted to run my tongue along his chiselled jaw, and place soft, gentle kisses along those amazing cheekbones. Finishing off kissing those perfect plump juicy lips.

My eyes dropped down, as his tongue flicked over his bottom lip.

Enticing me, teasing me.

I wanted those lips on me now.

A soft chuckle knocked me out of my fantasy as I looked up to meet his eyes.

“What?” he asked, scrunching up his eyebrows, puzzled by my expression. I mindlessly stared, drinking him all in. He was beyond perfection and I couldn’t believe he was all mine.

“You really are beautiful Joel.” I smiled, as my fingertips gently stroked the fine features of his face.

He scowled slightly. “Do you mean handsome? Beautiful is so girly.”

I smiled at his look of annoyance, but beautiful was the only word I would choose to describe him. “You really should be a model, you have such great cheekbones.” I threw my head back laughing, when he mockingly sucked in his cheeks. Only succeeding in defining them even more. He leapt up from the sofa and started to perform modelling poses.

I instantly sat up, grabbing my phone and snapped away. Laughing and lusting over the man theatrically performing in front of me.

I lost it when he dragged his shirt over his head, tossing it down beside me. My eyes greedily took in every inch of his fabulous torso. His abs were even more defined.

Was that even possible?

Then there were his tattoos that were just amazing. The designs made his body look like a real work of art. He turned to perform the over the shoulder pose, and my eyes dropped down to that gorgeous, tight bottom of his.

It was perfect.

They lingered longer than was acceptable, and he caught me in the act.

“Have I just caught you perving at my bottom?” he asked, raising his eyebrows teasingly. A sexy grin spread across his face and my cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

I slid down the sofa, burying my face deep in the cushion. In a desperate attempt to avoid those cheeky amused filled eyes. It was pointless though, his strong, firm hands soon pull me round to face him.

He climbed on top, straddling me and pinning my arms above my head, lightly brushing his nose against mine. God it felt sexy, I was almost panting.

“You like to look at me?” he whispered looking uncertain. I bit my lip, trying to conceal my amusement.

Did he really need to ask?

“Yeah, my boyfriend is jaw dropping sexy.”

His hot breath tickled my face, quickly letting out a sigh. “I love hearing you call me your boyfriend.” He blushed slightly and pushed himself off me, pulling me round to lie beside him. “I’ve never had that before, never wanted it…until you. I still can’t believe this is real. I keep thinking I’m going to wake up any moment now and I’ll be alone again.” He closed his eyes, like the thought alone was far too painful.

My fingers softly brushed his hair away from his face. I gently kissed his forehead, but his eyes remained closed. I knew his insecurities were spiralling out of control and he needed reassurance this was real.

“Joel, you have me forever, I’m yours, no one else’s. I’ve loved you for six years and I’ll continue to do so for the rest of my life. You’ll never be alone again, you’ve always had my heart and I’ll keep telling you this until you finally believe me.” I placed another kiss on his cheek and lay back down, giving him time to fully absorb my words. I needed for him to know exactly how deep my love ran.

He slowly opened his eyes, looking bewildered. “Really?” he asked uncertain, his eyes searching mine for confirmation.

I brushed my lips slowly against his, for him to feel the connection. His breath hitched and his lips parted slightly, drawing me deeper into the kiss. The sensation of our tongues entwining was hypnotic. I closed my eyes and his fingers gently traced my cheek, both losing ourselves in the kiss.

Pulling my lips away, I rested my forehead against his, unwilling to break the connection just yet. “It will only ever be you Joel,” I whispered, hoping my words offered him the comfort he so badly needed.

He let out a huge sigh. “Iz, you’ll never know how much that means to me. I will spend the rest of my life trying to be the man you truly deserve.” His eyes were sincere but I hated how he tortured himself. Why did he have to prove he was worthy to be with me?

“Joel.” I cupped his face. “Stop tormenting yourself thinking such things, you’re everything I’ve ever wanted. Let’s just look forward to the future together, our future.”

He smiled softly but his eyes held a look of conflict. “What about your Mum and Mike? They aren’t exactly going to be ecstatic about us being together. They know my past, all the women I’ve been with. I’ve hardly lived a life that screams I’m good boyfriend material.”

A surge of anger swept through me. I grabbed his hair, locking my eyes with his. “Joel, I don’t care what they think, all I want is you and if they don’t like it then let them try and stop us being together.” I kissed him once again but this time it was different. It was more forceful, like a sense of urgency took over and I needed to convey just how much I needed him.

He pulled away panting, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. “God I love your feisty side Iz.” He chuckled and his eyes began to soften. I was happy my persuasive ways had managed to placate him.

“Nothing will ever keep us apart Joel, you are mine forever.”

He smiled shyly and I knew I’d finally got through to him.

“Well now, that’s enough talking for today, I thought we could maybe do other things for a while. It’s not like we get these golden opportunities often, unless you want to keep talking?” I raised my eyebrows questioningly, enjoying teasing him.

I already knew the answer.

A huge grin broke out on his face and his eyes twinkled with excitement. “No, I’m all done with the talking. I’ve got a gorgeous girlfriend to please. Now where do you want me to tend to first?” He grinned as I tilted my neck, to emphasis the spot. “Ahh my girl wants me to kiss her neck, well what my girl wants she gets.”

My girl.

Oh freaking my.

My heart melted at his words. I’d waited so long to be ‘his girl’ it was still unreal to me, something I never thought possible.

His soft lips brushed up against my hot spot and a soft moan escaped my lips. “You like that baby?” he whispered.

Oh god yes.