I Know I've Been Changed (18 page)

Chapter 33

I
felt myself getting tense. I was back. Back in the place I’d said I’d never set foot in again.

We were pulling up to the house Mama Tee’s had for over fifty years. I looked at the sagging roof, the front porch that looked like it was about to cave in, and the blue paint chipping off the sides of the house. The screen on the front door was peeled back in one corner. The house was literally falling apart. Why hadn’t Mama Tee asked me for money to get this repaired? Why didn’t I just send it? It was bad when I’d left; why didn’t I know it would only get worse and do something about it?

I glanced over at Shondella’s double-wide trailer, which sat in the back of Mama Tee’s acre-and-a-half lot. She’d put that trailer there right after she had had Mercedes and thought she and Ezekiel were going to get married. It, too, was falling apart. I thought of all the money I had given Shondella. It was obvious none of it had gone toward the upkeep of her trailer.

I tried to shake off the guilt that was eating away at my conscience. It had been a quiet ride back to Arkansas. Even Shondella was unusually quiet.

“Shondella, grab your sister’s luggage,” Mama Tee said as she popped the trunk, then stepped out of the car.

I half-expected Shondella to complain and was shocked when she didn’t. She grabbed my two large suitcases and began lugging them toward the house.

I slowly stepped out of the car. As I made my way up the walk to the house, I cringed at the sight of the old toilet sitting on the front porch. A leafy plant—it looked like a eucalyptus—was growing wildly from the bowl. A beat-up old sofa sat next to the toilet.

Inside, the stench of mothballs permeated the living room. Plastic slipcovers draped the sofa and love seat. Years’ worth of pictures of children and grandchildren hung along the living room wall. I felt a flutter in my heart as I gently touched a picture of Jasmine. I caught myself imagining what she’d look like if she were still alive.

I continued to survey the room. A huge, frayed burgundy rug covered the rough wooden floor. Everything was pretty much the same as when I’d left, except for the full-size bed sitting in the corner. And the crusty old man lying in it, hooked to an oxygen tank.

“Uncle Frank!” I was surprised at how happy I was to see Mama Tee’s oldest brother. He used to give me quarters and tell funny jokes when I was a little girl.

Uncle Frank struggled to sit up, then narrowed his eyes, focusing in on me. “Who you is, gal?”

Mama Tee moved over to the bed and fluffed Uncle Frank’s pillows. “Frank, you remember my granddaughter Raedella?”

Uncle Frank coughed violently for about two minutes straight. I thought he was going to keel over and die right then and there. Finally, the coughing subsided. “I thought you was dead.” With that he plopped back down in the bed and closed his eyes.

“Don’t listen to that old fool. He ain’t playing with a full deck these days.”

Uncle Frank never opened his eyes. “All my facilities is working just fine. Just don’t know why you bringing strangers in the house, is all.”

“I’m no stranger, Uncle Frank. It’s me, Rae.”

He still didn’t bother to open his eyes. “You might as well be a stranger. Now, leave me be.”

I tried not to let it show, but Uncle Frank’s words pierced my heart. I looked around the room. It had been so long since I’d been here. Uncle Frank was right. I was a stranger. And it had been my own choice.

“If I didn’t know better, I would think that’s my big sister standing in the living room.”

I turned toward the one voice that could still put a huge smile on my face, Justin.

“Hey, you.” I stretched out my arms so he could give me a big hug. I squeezed him tightly in return. “You’ve grown so much,” I said after I pulled back and stared him up and down. His cotton robe hung on his frail frame. His eyes looked hollow, and despite his attempt to smile, a sadness seemed ingrained across his face.

“Four years will do that to you.” He smirked.

“Don’t you start, too.”

“I’m just messing with you, girl.” He laughed. I couldn’t help but stare at him. He had truly grown into a handsome young man. Unfortunately, he looked tired, like life had dealt him more than his fair share of blows. “I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you,” Justin said as he playfully threw a punch my way. It was a weak attempt that seemed to require a lot of energy. I felt my heart get heavy. Justin must have noticed my mood change because he quickly stood up tall. “Rule number one. No feeling sorry for Justin, okay?”

I forced a smile and nodded.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you,” I said as I reached out to hug him again.

“Can y’all take that damn family reunion outside,” Uncle Frank barked. “I’m trying to sleep.”

“Frank, shut up, it’s five o’clock in the evening,” Mama Tee snapped.

“Well, I told you if you build me my own…” He paused to cough for about three minutes before he continued. “I told you that if you build me my own room and get my bed out the dadgum living room, I wouldn’t have to bother nobody and wouldn’t nobody have to bother me!”

“And I told you I can barely pay for your medicine. I can’t build you your own room, so we just have to make do,” Mama Tee said.

Uncle Frank sighed wistfully. “Well, don’t worry; I ain’t gon’ be here much longer. I feel it. I’m probably gon’ die tonight anyway.”

“Frank, hush. You been telling that lie for the last three years and your ancient tail still hanging on.”

Uncle Frank wiggled his long, bony finger at Mama Tee. “You’ll be sorry when you come in here and find me dead!” he threatened. Uncle Frank pulled his covers over his head.

Justin laughed. “You’d better get used to that. They do it all the time.”

“You hush, too, boy. Now, I thought I told you I didn’t want you out of the bed either,” Mama Tee chastised. “The doctor said he didn’t want you up and about for two weeks.”

“Awwww, come on, Mama Tee. Raedella just got here,” Justin whined.

“And she gon’ be here a while. Now, git.” Mama Tee shooed Justin away.

“I’ll holla at you later, Sis. I have to go back on lockdown ’cause Mama Tee thinks I’ll pass out and die if I walk to the bathroom.” He smiled.

I returned his smile. He managed to have such a good attitude for someone so sick.

“Come on, baby girl,” Mama Tee said. “You can put your stuff in your old room upstairs.”

I stared blankly at Mama Tee. How could she show me so much love after the way I’d treated her all this time? She smiled warmly, then took one of my bags and led me up the stairs, then down the long hall to the back room that I had grown up in. The room was still the way I had left it. My Prince poster still hung on the wall, even though the ends were brown and tattered. My celebrity pictures from
Right On!
magazine also adorned the wall.

“You lucky your uncle Frank can’t climb those stairs, because I sho’ would have put him in here and got him out of my living room.” Mama Tee walked over and opened the small window. “Here, this will let some fresh air in. You want to lie down while I fix you something to eat? I know that drive got you tired.”

“Mama Tee, I slept most of the way here, so I’m fine.” Shondella had driven the entire six hours without complaining. “I need to call Shereen and let her know I made it and tell her where I left the key to my house. She’ll be handling my bills and everything for me. After that I think I just want to go for a walk, see the old neighborhood.”

“Chile, ain’t nothing changed round here. But you go on.”

I smiled as Mama Tee left the room. I glanced at my bags, contemplated unpacking them, then decided against it. I don’t think I had been on a walk since I’d left Sweet Poke. I was looking forward to strolling down the street, nowhere to go, no one to see. I hadn’t known such calm in years.

I changed into my tennis shoes and slipped out the back door, laughing at Mama Tee’s chicken coop. She still had several hens and a rooster roaming about the pen. I forgot about all the fun we used to have as kids chasing her chickens around that coop. I paused and reflected on that memory—a memory I hadn’t had in years.

I started walking toward town, remembering the many journeys I had taken this way growing up. I rubbed my stomach, hoping against hope that somehow, someway, Dr. Trahan was wrong and my baby would make it. Especially since now it had been two weeks since they’d told me my baby wasn’t “viable.” With everything going on with the case, I’d tried to keep thoughts of losing my baby out of my mind. I had ruled out the D&C, and although I wasn’t a religious person, I was praying God would have mercy on me and spare my child.

I don’t know how long I had been walking, but I found myself in front of the high school. I hadn’t been in too many organizations in school because my only goal had been to get out of Sweet Poke. It was a small school—there were only about a hundred people in my graduating class, so most of us knew each other.

It was just after four, so most of the students were already gone. I glanced over on the football field. The team was gathered there practicing. Reno. My mind raced back to Reno. He was probably out there. Other than in the newspaper articles Shondella had sent me, I hadn’t seen him since I’d left Sweet Poke. I debated whether I should go over and say something, but before I could make up my mind, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. That pain was quickly followed by another. I doubled over and screamed. My heart dropped when I felt the blood creeping down my leg. My baby. I sank to the ground and began sobbing.

“Ma’am, are you all right?” I looked up at a student standing in front of me. The tall, slender girl looked genuinely concerned. When she noticed the blood that had begun seeping through my pants, her eyes bulged. “Oh, no!”

“C…can you call for help for me please?” I managed to say. I grabbed my stomach again as the girl took off running. I couldn’t believe I was about to lose my baby on the sidewalk in Sweet Poke, Arkansas.

I watched her run to the football field and scream something, then point at me. Several people took off running toward me. I prayed that Reno was not one of them. The last thing I wanted was for us to see each other for the first time in years like this.

But of course, why would luck be on my side?

“Oh my God. Rae?” Reno dropped to the ground beside me. “What are you doing here? What’s wrong?” He looked down at the puddle of blood that was growing bigger by the minute. “What’s going on? Just hold on. I sent someone to call for help.”

I wanted to fix my hair, wipe up the blood, anything so that this wouldn’t be Reno’s first impression of what I’d turned into. But the pain ripping through my abdomen wouldn’t let me think of anything, or anyone else. I screamed again after yet another pain kicked in. It felt like someone was ripping my insides out.

“Reno…,” I stammered. I felt weak.

“Shhhhh.” He pulled me to him. “Help is on the way. It’s on the way.”

I felt groggy. My eyes fluttered before opening. I tried to take in my surroundings. I was lying in a hospital bed. Mama Tee and Reno were whispering in the corner. I felt sadness set in when I recalled why I was there. I slowly rubbed my hand over my stomach as a tear ran down my cheek.

“Is my baby gone?” I asked.

Both Mama Tee and Reno turned to me. Mama Tee quickly eased over to me and began stroking my hair. “Yes, sweetie. But you’re goin’ to be just fine.” She took Reno’s hand. “Thanks to Reno here, you got to the hospital before you lost too much blood.”

I looked at Reno. “Thank you,” I softly responded. “I’m sorry we had to meet up like this.”

“Please,” he responded. “You’re as pretty as you were the day you left.”

I tried to force a laugh. “Yeah, right.”

His comment made me rub my hair down. I was sure I looked a mess and contemplated asking for a mirror. But as my thoughts returned to my baby, I didn’t have the energy to request one.

“Do they know if it was a boy or a girl?”

Mama Tee shook her head. “I’m sorry, sugar. It was a girl.”

I turned my head so neither Mama Tee or Reno would see me cry.

Reno stepped closer to me. “Rae, do you mind if I pray with you.”

I sighed, but kept my head turned. “I’m sorry. I just don’t feel prayerful right now.”

“You need to always stay in prayer,” Mama Tee chastised.

I took a deep breath. I wanted to tell Mama Tee I wasn’t strong like her. I couldn’t stand in the face of adversity yet still praise God.

“How do you keep the faith?” I asked no one in particular. “I’m so mad at God right now. How am I supposed to be faithful and prayerful through my anger?”

“God don’t care ’bout you being mad.” Mama Tee was getting worked up. I knew I was treading on thin ice with her because she has never liked for anyone to question God. But at that moment, I didn’t really care.

“What kind of God inflicts so much pain?” I asked.

“A gracious one! You—”

“Ms. Rollins, no disrespect, but may I talk to Rae?” Reno interjected.

Mama Tee huffed. “Fine. You know I try to be understanding, but I just can’t have that gal being blasphemous.”

Reno sat down next to my bed and gently took my hand. “I don’t think she’s being blasphemous, Ms. Rollins,” he said without taking his eyes off me. “I just think Raedella is in pain. But God understands that pain. Just like God is real, so is the devil. And the devil is hard at work on Raedella right now.”

“Amen to that,” Mama Tee replied, nodding feverishly.

“But the devil is a liar,” Reno softly said. “And God will see you through this, Raedella. You might not be able to see that right now, but He has a plan, and as crazy as this may sound, this,” he said, pointing to my stomach, “this is all in His plan.”

Reno reached up and wiped away my tears. He then took my hand and gently closed my eyes. “Let us pray…”

Chapter 34

I
flinched as Mama Tee flicked on the light in my bedroom.

“Okay, I gave you two days to sit in this bed and mourn. Now, enough of that. It’s time to get up.” Mama Tee walked to the window and pulled back the drapes.

I moaned as I pulled the covers over my face. I should’ve known that wouldn’t stop my grandmother. She grabbed my blanket and the top sheet and pulled them completely off the bed. I shivered as the cool breeze shot up my spine.

“Mama Tee, please, I don’t feel like getting up,” I whined.

“I ain’t felt like doing a lot of things but I had to do them nonetheless. So get on up.”

“Why won’t you just let me get over my depression? I just lost my baby.”

“And I’m not downplayin’ that. But you knew you was gon’ lose the baby. God don’t give us more than we can handle. Now get up.”

“Maybe my losing the baby was God’s payback,” I said somberly as I sat up.

Mama Tee shook her head. “Gal, don’t talk that nonsense. My Lord don’t work like that. I know. I got a personal relationship. I have him over to dinner every night.” Mama Tee smiled as she adjusted the drapes. Suddenly she started banging on the window. “Mercedes, get your little fast behind down outta that tree before I come out there and beat you into next week,” she screamed. I peered out the window just in time to see Shondella’s oldest daughter scurry down out of the tree. “Them damn chil’ren get on my nerve. Why they all up in my peach tree? Know I done told they little tails about that. Now, as I was saying,” Mama Tee continued, turning back to face me, “me and the Lord, we got a personal relationship. And even though He said vengeance is mine, He don’t work like that. So you just get that foolishness out your mind and get on up outta that bed. We gotta go to June Bug’s wedding today.”

I looked at her like she was crazy, not just for her cursing and praising the Lord in the same breath, but because she actually thought I was going to somebody’s wedding. “I don’t feel like going to a wedding.”

“And I repeat, I do a lot of things I don’t feel like doing.” Mama Tee headed toward the door. “Be ready to go in thirty minutes,” she said without looking back.

I silently cursed as I dragged myself out of the bed. It had been two days since I’d come home from the hospital and I hadn’t moved. I made my way to the bathroom and began running bathwater. “Why doesn’t Mama Tee get a shower?” I mumbled as I tried to adjust the steaming-hot water. I looked around for some bubble bath. Growing up, we never used the stuff. Mama Tee believed a bar of soap and some hot water were all you needed. But times had changed so I knew she had to have had some somewhere.

“Mama Tee, do you have some bubble bath?” I called out.

“Hold on,” she responded. I had started taking off my gown when she entered the bathroom, walked straight to the tub, and started pouring in a green liquid.

“What is that?” I peered at the set of hands on the front of the bottle.

“Palmolive.”

“Dishwashing liquid?”

“And?” Mama Tee looked at me as if it were perfectly normal to use dishwashing liquid for bubble bath.

“Mama Tee, that’s for dishes.”

“Girl, you wanted bubbles, you got bubbles.” She turned and walked out of the bathroom before I could say anything else.

I thought about draining the water and just taking a bath without the bubbles, but I decided a little Palmolive wouldn’t kill me. I sank into the tub and enjoyed the hot water as it surrounded my skin.

After my brief, yet relaxing bath, I dressed and met Mama Tee downstairs and we headed to the wedding.

Ten minutes later we were standing in front of Greater Gethsemane. I stared up at the huge cross that sat on top of the building. It looked like it was about to topple over at any moment.

“Why don’t they fix that?” I asked Mama Tee, who was fumbling through her purse.

“We fixed it once and it fell right back over. So we left it alone.” Mama Tee found the handkerchief she must’ve been looking for and used it to dab the beads of sweat off her forehead. “That cross done withstood all kinds of storms. Pastor says it’s a sign that you may bend, but with the Lord on your side, you won’t break.”

I stared at her. “What are you trying to say, Mama Tee?”

“It ain’t what I’m
trying
to say, it’s what I’m saying.” She put the handkerchief back in her purse. “Maybe if you’d had the Lord on your side all along, nothing coulda broke you. Not no man, no job, not even your mama.” Mama Tee walked on in.

I was still thinking about what Mama Tee had said as I followed her in. We took our seats on June’s side of the church. I was surprised at all the emotions I felt as I sat in the third row of the church I had grown up in.

The vestibule was nicely decorated, which was a total shock to me. June had absolutely no class, so I was expecting a ghetto-fabulous wedding. And if the wedding programs were any indication, I was going to have to bite my tongue to keep from cracking up. The homemade programs looked like they were printed on a home computer with an ink-jet printer. There was a picture of June and Shoshanna on the front. Not even a nice picture. One of those you take at the mall and put on buttons. Then inside there was a collage of them and their three children. I vaguely remembered the girl he was marrying. A cocoa-brown girl, she was two years behind me in high school. I knew she had twins by June. They were five years old now and she’d had a baby a year ago. I guess June decided to finally marry her. I’m sure it was because she was pressuring him.

“Lawd, have mercy,” Mama Tee mumbled, as she fanned herself with the Martin Luther King Jr. funeral-home fan.

I leaned in and whispered, “What?”

Mama Tee kept her eyes focused straight ahead. “Look at Shoshanna’s mama. She look like a two-dollar hooker who needs to give you some change back.”

I turned my attention to the tall, busty woman making her way down the aisle. She had on a bright yellow, sequined suit with a matching hat. Her skirt was so tight she could only take small steps or else all her goods would bust out.

“She look like a straight hussy. Shame on her. Probably came straight from the club,” Mama Tee muttered as Shoshanna’s mother made her way toward them. “Well, hello, Sister Banks. You sho’ is looking lovely today. I just love that bright yellow on you. Everybody ain’t brave enough to wear something so…so colorful.”

My mouth dropped at the sudden change in Mama Tee’s tone.

“Thank you, Ms. Rollins. You know I had to look my best for my baby girl. You know we’s about to be family now so that means you gon’ have to share your recipe for sweet potato pie with me.”

“Call me, sugar,” Mama Tee said, flashing Ms. Banks a fake smile. She squeezed Mama Tee’s hand and sashayed to her seat. Mama Tee turned to see me staring at her. “What? I can’t just be mean to the woman, now can I?”

I just shook my head and tried not to laugh. Maybe coming to this wedding was just what I needed to get me out of my slump. I had already laughed more in the last hour than I had in the last few months.

I felt my heart flutter when I noticed Reno coming into the church. My smile quickly faded when I noticed his wife and kids were right behind him. He waved at me, then took his wife’s hand and slid into a back pew. His wave didn’t go unnoticed, and his wife shot me a look that I couldn’t quite make out.

The pianist started playing, signaling that the wedding was about to start.

“Get ready for a show,” Mama Tee mumbled.

I leaned in and whispered, “It doesn’t look like it’s going to be that bad.” I think I spoke too soon, because the pianist stopped playing and someone turned on a cassette that began playing “I Wanna Be Your Man” by Roger Troutman. Then June came pimpin’ down the aisle to that song. He had on an all-white tux, a top hat, and a cane.

Mama Tee threw me an I-told-you-so look. That was just the beginning of the spectacle. The bridesmaids and groomsmen began making their way in. I guess making sure your hair was at least two feet high was a requirement, because every one of the bridesmaids had her hair swooped up into a French twist. And each of them had deep burgundy hair with glitter sprinkled throughout. Shoshanna’s wedding colors were burgundy and gold, but good grief. And then the groomsmen weren’t any better. Two had cornrows, three had Jheri curls, and the others all had huge unkempt Afros.

After all twelve bridesmaids and groomsmen made their way to the front to “Computer Love,” a little boy came running down the aisle, blaring a trumpet. He stopped at the front of the church and screamed,
“The bride is coming! The bride is coming!”

The audience stood up and the church’s back doors opened to reveal the bride. She actually looked quite nice in a strapless wedding gown. The train was probably a mile and a half long, but other than that, the off-white dress was pretty. She was escorted by a man with a Jheri curl so wet that the tuxedo rental place was sure to be furious when he returned it.

The wedding itself actually turned out to be uneventful, with the exception of Aunt Ola wailing as usual.

We were all standing outside the church when I saw Rose. She had on a pair of sunglasses and a large-brimmed hat. But there was no disguise that could keep me from recognizing my own mother. She was leaning up against a tree outside the church, puffing on a cigarette and rolling it nervously between her fingers.

I tugged on Shondella’s arm. “Look.” I nodded my head toward Rose, and Shondella’s gaze followed. The smile immediately left her face, and after staring for a few minutes, she turned back toward me.

“Should we go say something?” I asked.

“You can do whatever you want. Me and my kids are leaving.” Shondella grabbed her girls’ hands and dragged them toward her car.

I stood there staring at Rose. She looked like she wanted to say something. I contemplated following Shondella’s lead and turning away and acting like I’d never seen my mother. But Mama Tee’s words rang in my head. “The source of all your problems stems from your mama.”

No, it was past time for us to talk. I slowly walked toward her. I heard Shondella call my name, but I ignored her and kept walking.

“Still puffing those cancer sticks, I see.”

Rose looked at the cigarette, then threw it to the ground before grinding it with her foot. “Old habits die hard.”

“Ummm-hmmm.”

We stood there in awkward silence for a few minutes.

“So, how you doing?”

“I’ve been better. I thought you’d moved to Houston.”

“I left. There was nothing there for me anymore…since you left.”

She looked like she was struggling for something to say. I couldn’t feel any sympathy for her. It wasn’t my fault she didn’t know what to say to her own daughter. “I heard about all that stuff that happened to you. I kept up with you. How successful you was and all,” Rose softly said.

I looked at her and had no idea what to say. Was I supposed to be grateful that she had been following my life?

“I also heard you lost your baby the other day. I’m sorry.”

I stood there speechless. I didn’t need or want her sympathy.

“Sugar Smack—”

I shot her a mean look. As far as I was concerned, she had lost the right to call me that. I guess she realized that because she corrected herself. “I mean, Raedella—you gon’ be all right. You were raised to be a strong—how you say it?—resilient woman. So you gon’ make it.”

I shot her an incredulous look. “How do you know how I was raised?”

She lowered her head. “I guess I deserved that one.”

“I guess you did.”

Rose removed her sunglasses. “Raedella, I need to make amends.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me, right?”

“No, I’m saved now. I want to get things right with my family. With God.”

I cocked my head in confusion. Was I supposed to feel anything but contempt for the woman who had abandoned me at a gas station? Was I supposed to take her into my arms and act like all was well with the world because she had claimed to find Jesus? I didn’t think so.

“I know there’s no hope for me and your sister. Believe me, I’ve tried. But she hates me.”

“Can you blame her?”

She ignored me and kept talking. “But I’m hoping I can reach you. You always was the one with the big heart.”

I laughed when I thought of all the people who would think she was crazy to say something like that. “Correction, Rose. I lost any semblance of a heart the day you walked out of my life.”

“You can’t mean that.”

“Oh, I mean it. Just ask anyone who knows me. You abandoned me and I spent all my life looking for a love to replace yours.”

“You had Mama.”

“
Your
mama. I wanted mine. And when I couldn’t have you, I learned the only way to never be in that position again was to always look out for myself. Nobody else mattered but me. I had no friends, a cheating man, and it was all because of you.”

I was shocking myself. Where was all of this coming from? I had never equated my mother’s abandonment with the way I was. But the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Not having my mother had made me bitter.

“Do you remember how sweet I was as a little girl?” I continued. “Well, I’m the total opposite now. Or I was. I wanted to forget you existed. I wanted to forget this side of my life existed. But Mama Tee wouldn’t let me. I pushed and pushed and pushed her away and she kept coming back. Where were you? Why did you never come back? You lived forty miles away! Why did you never come back?” I was screaming and crying now and hadn’t even realized it. Rose looked like she didn’t know what to do. I was releasing years of pent-up anger and I didn’t care about her feelings. I was just about to let into her some more when I felt someone grab my arm.

“Come on, Rae. She ain’t worth it.” Shondella was pulling me. She wouldn’t even look at Rose. “You don’t need the stress.”

I jerked my arm away. “No, she has a lot of nerve, showing up here now, talking about she saved and expecting somebody to feel sorry for her.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been miserable all my life,” Rose said softly.