I Need You (35 page)

I squatted down as I typed 911 into the cell. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I do. I’m not a Mom.” I could hear the echo of the black hole she was in––isolated and tragic. I had been there only a little while ago.

But yesterday she’d been fine… Happy…

The call rang. “Hello, emergency…”

I stood up again and turned my back on Rachel. This was so strange. Me, helping Rachel… “I’m with someone, she has bipolar. She doesn’t seem with it… she’s not been taking medication.”

Billy appeared, running out of the shadows, over the grass. He leaped over the low metal fence surrounding the play park like it was a hurdle.

I carried on talking to the woman on 911, giving her the address and more details about Rachel, and then listening as she tried to keep me calm.

Billy squatted down and spoke to Rachel, breathing hard and rubbing her shoulder.

Jason arrived a few minutes later sprinting along the path from the parking lot at full throttle. He was super-fast when he ran. He probably could have run professionally but he’d never taken it that far.

I breathed out… maybe because I had held him back… I’d always complained about him spending time running… I had been a bit of a bitch to him at times, I suppose.

Jason wiped tears off his face as Billy moved out the way.

Jason knelt in front of Rachel, gripping both her hands. “Rach…” There was so much pain in his voice. “You scared the fuck out of me. We had a deal, that you’d call when you get down, remember? You didn’t call me.”

She didn’t say anything, just looked at him.

“Mom’s with Saint, he’s gone to sleep. He was just gripey. Dad’s gone to get some powdered milk for when he wakes. Everything will be okay, but Saint is missing his mommy…”

“I can’t do it…” Rachel whispered.

“You can,” Jason answered with absolute confidence. He had total faith in her, even though right now the way she looked, she was right…

“You’re going to be fine. The hospital will get you back on your meds. Everything will settle down, and I’ll go to New York and sort that asshole out. Okay? So you have nothing to worry about, except just keeping well.”

Tears tracked down Rachel’s cheeks as we heard the siren of an ambulance. “I don’t want to go to the hospital,” she whispered.

“I know,” Jason answered, “but it’s the safest place for you until you get straight. I’ll come with you, and I’ll spend as much time there as I can, and Mom will bring Saint in, and everything is going to be okay, Rach.”

She bent forward, her forehead resting on Jason’s hair. I could see how much she loved him, craved him. It was in every movement of her body, no matter that she was trapped in utter despair.

Jason moved, his arms going around her as he stood, picking her up, cradling her as her arms wrapped about him, clinging hard. “It’s going to be okay. I promise. I promise, honey.”

Something grabbed hard at my heart as I watched him carry her toward the park entrance and heard the ambulance getting closer.

I followed as Billy walked next to me.

I didn’t know what to think as odd sensations twisted around in me. But none of them were jealousy.

Compassion. Pity. Respect. Regret. Sorrow… Hope… Craving…

He really did love her, and she loved him. What was between them was nothing like anything I’d known.

The compassion and pity was for her. Respect––for him. Regret, sorrow, hope and craving… those feelings all span from selfish need. I hadn’t had that with him. I wanted it. The battle in my chest between all those feelings made it difficult to breathe.

The medics took Rachel from Jason’s arms when we reached the parking lot, and then immediately they gave her an injection.

Billy caught a hold of me and hugged me hard as Jason hovered near Rachel.

I hugged Billy back. All the stuff in my chest calmed and eased, and settled down.

I pulled free, turning. “Jason.” He looked at me. “I’ll come down and work in the store on Monday. You are gonna want to be with Rachel. I’ll work every day for as long as you need me.”

He smiled, giving me a tender look. It was the way he’d looked at me when we’d been together, with kindness, and appreciation––never the heart-wrenching, overwhelming love he looked at Rachel with. “Thanks, Lind, that would be awesome. You don’t have to, though. I’ll understand if you don’t want to––”

“I want to help you.” I did. I was over him. I was over being jealous. I didn’t want him, I wanted Billy now anyway.

I looked at Billy. His eyes shone with that special look of deep affection. I leaned against his chest, against the leopard that roared and clawed beneath his clothes. His arm came around me, sheltering me.

“I’ll come in for eight-thirty so you or Darren can tell me anything that’s changed.”

Jason’s smile twisted, in an expression that said, thank you, but he looked tired and worn down.

I didn’t understand. “How come Rachel is so upset? She was really happy yesterday… and then today…”

His hand lifted and his fingers ran through his hair. “It’s chemistry, Lind. That’s bipolar. There’s a lot of stuff going on for us, and Saint has kept her up all night… But even if there was nothing going on, she could just go down, or shoot up for no reason when she’s off her meds… She wanted to breastfeed… I guess now she has to give that idea up…”

Leaving Billy’s comfort I stepped forward, reaching out to touch Jason’s arm. “You’re good for her. You two are right together.”

His smile split, but at the same time moisture glistened in his eyes. “I love her, no matter what.”

“I know.” My hand fell.

“Mr. Macinlay, we’re ready to go!” One of the medics called from inside the ambulance, as another headed to the driver’s door.

Jason glanced at them, lifting a hand, then suddenly looked back at Billy. “Shit, the truck, would you take the keys ‘round to Dad. He can come get it in the morning.”

“Yeah.” Billy held a hand out to catch them. Jason threw them over.

“See you later,” Jason said before turning away.

“When she’s more with it, tell Rachel I’ll be thinking of her!”

He looked back at me and smiled again. “You can come visit if you want, she’d love that. It’ll make her feel better. She has never stopped feeling guilty. ”

I smiled in return, without answering.

He turned away and climbed into the ambulance.

Did I forgive her?

I guess I did.

Jason had never been right for me.

I looked at Billy as the ambulance doors shut.

I had a chance to discover real love now… I never would have done if Rachel hadn’t come into Jason’s life.

I forgave her––and him.

Billy wrapped his arms around me as the ambulance pulled out and I leaned against him.

He brushed my hair back behind my ear, “Shall we go ‘round to his parents now?”

“I guess so, we can tell them what’s happened then too.”

Chapter Twenty-one

Lindy

So many surreal things had been happening in my life lately, stepping over the threshold of Jason’s parents’ house was another. It was a long time since I’d been here, and I had been a different person then.

The last time I’d come here had been for their Christmas party. Jason and I had already split and he’d been here with Rachel. His parents hadn’t liked her and she and I had had a battle of words.

She’d won.

Like she’d won Jason. I’d hated her then, and for months after…

Now? I think I did like her.

Billy gripped my hand harder when Ester, Jason’s mom, invited us into the living room and offered us some coffee. Darren sat in his usual chair. He smiled at me. I’d worked in the store with him since I’d turned sixteen. He’d been a dad to me too.

“Lindy, love.” He stood up.

“Darren.” I let go of Billy’s hand to hug Jason’s dad.

“The circumstances are horrible, I know, but it is good to see you again. I felt like I lost a daughter.” He let me go as tears fought to be freed, but they didn’t run over.

Maybe I had exiled myself in the last few months rather than been pushed out. No one had ever asked me to leave the store. I could have still gone in to see Darren, if nothing else.

“Jason sent us ‘round to give you the keys for the truck.” Billy held them out. Darren took them.

“He’s gone in the ambulance to the hospital with Rachel,” I explained.

“How is she?” Ester asked.

“Not good, I guess. Shall I help you with the coffee?”

She nodded and like old times, I followed her into the kitchen to talk. “Rachel seemed really down, and yesterday she was really up.”

“Saint was crying,” Ester said. “I have been telling Rachel all day, it is just how babies are, but the poor girl takes everything so personally when she hits a low, and then of course there is this thing with the father. He refuses to do a DNA test, and they need to prove he is the father before they can get him to sign any papers to allow Jason to adopt Saint.”

I hadn’t known any of that. I knew he wasn’t Jason’s. I just hadn’t known it was complicated, or that Jason was trying to adopt Saint. But I should have known he’d do something like that, that was Jason all over. He was the saint-like one. Maybe that was why Rachel had picked the name.

An odd part of me was proud of Jason.

Ester turned with a mug in each hand. “And how are you, dear? We haven’t spoken to you for so long, and it is such dreadful news about Miriam. If we can do anything…”

I took the mugs from her, leaving her to bring the others as
déjà vu
tumbled through my head. I’d done this numerous times when Jason and I were together.

When I walked into the living room, though, it was Billy sitting on their couch. His big, muscular body making his presence known. I didn’t miss Jason, or the life I’d had with him anymore. I was happier and better with Billy.

When I sat down, I told Darren I’d work in the store again for as long as he needed me. He seemed pleased. Then Billy and Ester started planning the rota Mrs. Worrall and Ester would create, so Mom could have a visitor every afternoon.

This was all weird. Mom and I had been completely isolated and we needn’t have been.

A whimpering sound disturbed the conversation. I saw a row of red lights on a monitor on the side play up and down in time with the sound. The pitch got sharper and and the lights swung right to the end of the line when a full-on wail rang out. It was a call.
Someone come get me!

“Saint. He’s due a feed,” Ester clarified.

I smiled as she got up.

“It will be the first time he’s been fed from a bottle, so let’s see how we get on…”

It would be a big deal for Saint not to have his mom feed him.

A couple of moments later Ester walked back into the room carrying the sweetest baby. He had dark hair, but it was just a cloud of fine, wispy strands like a halo around his head. His little cheeks burned red and warm as his sleepy eyes blinked at me.

He had a stripey baby-grow on and his chubby long legs dangled. He’d be tall, but then Rachel was tall.

“Do you want to hold him while I go warm his bottle?” Ester said to me. My gaze lifted from Saint to his grandma. Odd sensations twisted and tied a knot in my belly.

Want. Longing. But not jealousy.

“Yeah.” I lifted my hands and she came over and gave him to me. He weighed more than I expected.

I balanced him on my lap, my arm cradling him as Ester disappeared. He looked at me––the stranger––and grasped my hair. He was so cute.

Billy’s palm settled on my back and rubbed it.

I’d told him after I’d taken the overdose that I’d done it because I couldn’t stand seeing Jason with this kid. Billy probably thought this was hard for me. It wasn’t. Not at all. Not now. Nothing that had happened in my life was the fault of this tiny little human being.

I gripped his hand, getting him to free my hair and his fingers closed around my thumb instead. I looked at Billy “He’s sweet.”

When I’d been with Jason all I’d wanted was the two of us to settle down with a house and kids––I’d been desperately seeking “normal”. With Mom sick and me messed-up, I’d thought being a mom and wife would put everything right. It wouldn’t have.

I still craved those things, eventually, just not yet.

There would be a right time for me and a right person––I hoped the right person was Billy. I felt like it would be Billy.

Ester came back into the room, carrying the bottle.

“You can try feeding him if you want, Lindy.”

I wanted. I lifted my hand to take the bottle.

“Try leaning him back and then put the teat to his lips, and let’s hope he doesn’t think about the different feel when he starts sucking and gets the warm milk.”

I did. He fidgeted a lot, whining and pushing the teat out of his mouth, but I cooed and persisted as Billy watched and rubbed my shoulder.

Saint twisted toward me. It was like he was looking for a breast. I changed the angle of the bottle and ran it over his lips again, so milk leaked a little. Finally he opened his mouth, latched onto the teat and sucked, his little hand resting on my sweater over my breast.

It was awesome.

His eyes shut, and his tiny eyelashes rested on his cheeks.

Ester started singing a nursery rhyme and Darren whispered. “Rachel always sings to him when she’s feeding, it’ll make him a little more settled. I’m sure he knows you’re not his mom, but if we can keep things as normal as we can for him we will.”

Rachel had said she couldn’t do this, but it sounded to me like she was a pretty good mom, really.

When he’d drunk half the bottle, Ester told me to sit him up, and then she took him from me so she could wind him, walking around with him pressed to her shoulder as she rubbed his back. She gave him the rest of the milk.

“Rachel must be missing him.” I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be separated from him if he was my son. My heart would ache so bad…

I thought of Mom, of how much it must be hurting her to leave Dad and me… But she was resigned to it, I knew that, because she was in too much pain now, she was ready to go. Dad was right. I really needed to help her go and feel comfortable and content to leave me. In the weeks she had left, I needed to find the person I was going to be when she had gone, and show her I would be okay. That was the best thing I could do for her.