I Need You (32 page)

“And Billy?”

“He’s still here.”

She gave me a weak smile. “Do you think he’s the one who’ll hang around forever?” Her body jolted when she finished speaking and her breath caught and hitched with a spasm of pain. I ignored it, she hated fussing and fussing wouldn’t change anything.

That was one of the reasons she hadn’t wanted to tell people––she didn’t want to be fussed over.

I didn’t know how to answer.

“Do you like him a lot or a little?”

I smiled. “A lot… In some ways more than Jason…”

“And––”

“He said he loves me, Mom. He said he loved me all the time I was with Jason.”

She let go of the button for the morphine and her hand settled over mine as it lay on the blanket, patting me. Her smile twisted, then tears glittered in her eyes. “Well, the good Lord is a mystery to me, but that is one answered prayer. I wanted to know you had someone to turn to and you’ll have Billy.”

I cried noisily, sniffing and sobbing.

“Climb up and lay next me. Let me hold you.” She patted the bed.

I did, trying not to hurt her, but I had learned a long time ago how to be careful when I held her, and it was wonderful to have her arm about my shoulders and her fingers stroking through my hair as I fell asleep. I didn’t know how many more times I would feel those things.

Billy

The sound of the door creaking woke me. I was bleary-eyed and anxious when I saw Lindy walk in to the day room. My head thumped as I sat up. Shit. I wish I hadn’t had so many beers.

I stood up, my hung-over brain rolling around in my skull.

Her eyes were still red and puffy from crying.

I glanced up at the clock. It was 2a.m. My hand lifted and ran through my hair as she came toward me.

“Hey. You okay?” Of course she wasn’t.

Her eyes filled with tears. I opened my arms. “Come here…”

She did, holding me tight. I’d seen Jason hug her earlier. It had punched me in the chest. I’d endure watching the two of them long enough in my life, but then I told myself there was nothing between them anymore.

Her cheek pressed against my chest, her damp tears soaking into my shirt as she held on to me. My heart took comfort in it.

Shit, I was being a selfish bastard tonight.

My fingers combed through her tangled hair.

She pulled away a little. “Sorry, I fell asleep.”

“So did I.”

“Mom was holding me…”

I didn’t know what to say to that.

“She told us to go home… Dad’s getting the car. I said we’d meet him out front.”

“Okay.” I swallowed. There was no moisture in my throat.

“Will you stay at mine?”

“Will your dad be okay with that?”

She nodded. “I told him. He’s fine.”

“Okay.”

“You want to? You don’t mind?” Her eyes were deep pools of doubt.

My hand cupped her cheek. “Lind, of course I don’t mind… I’m here for you…”

She nodded as a tear tumbled over. I wiped it away with my thumb.

“Do I smell bad? I bet I smell like a brewery?”

She laughed, though it sounded a little choked. “You smell just fine, and you feel even better. Come on.”

She gripped my hand and pulled me after her.

“Is your dad really alright about me staying over?”

She looked back and smiled. “Billy, he may be a cop, but he is human. Jason used to stay over lots.”

That wasn’t what I really wanted to hear…

When we got outside the cold night air hit my hangover. I shivered as her dad pulled up. I got the door of the front seat for Lindy. She slid into the car smiling at me. Then I got in the back. “Mr. Martin.” The back seat was way too small for me.

He looked over his shoulder and acknowledged me. “Billy.”

This was weird. I rubbed my hair, then realized I had flattened it earlier and spiked it again. I didn’t know what to say to him. So I didn’t say anything.
Sorry to hear about your wife
, sounded dumb. I sat back and looked out the window.

As they talked about Lindy’s mom, I tried not to listen. I didn’t want to intrude.

When we got to their house, I got out as soon as her dad parked up and got Lindy’s door for her. I still felt awkward, but I wasn’t running.

Shit only about six hours ago, I’d been sitting in a bar moaning about her to Jason and Rachel. I felt like a bastard right now.

“You, okay?” I whispered, gripping her arm as her dad walked ahead to open the door.

“Yeah, do you want a coffee or something before we go to bed?”

Damn something hard and elemental bit into my gut. I was gonna share a bed with her in her parents’ house. “No.”

She looked up and gave me a slight smile. “Nor me. I’m tired.”

I let go of her arm and put mine up on her shoulders as we got to the front door. Her dad had left it open and gone in.

She stopped and turned, looking up at me. “I like it when you hold me. Jason held me earlier––”

“I know.”

She gripped my hands… her gaze holding mine. “It felt wrong… It feels right when you hold me.”

I smiled at her, pulling my hands free and wrapping her in my arms. “And believe me, it feels just as right for me to hold you…”

She sobbed against my chest, so I kept holding her. But then she pulled away. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”

She went in first.

I followed her, trailing behind. I’d been in her parents’ house a ton of times. But this was different.

She headed to her bedroom at the end of the hall. I knew where it was. I had never been in it.

As she flicked on the light I saw she had it painted in a pale blue and childish fluffy clouds covered the blue ceiling. Her curtains were a girly clutter of bright, different-colored small flowers, and the room was neat and perfectly tidy. Completely Lindy.

“I’m gonna go clean my teeth and get ready for bed.”

I nodded, as I heard a door bang along the hall. Surely this must be weird for her dad.

I sat down on her bed as she disappeared, rubbing my hand over my face. I didn’t start getting undressed.

A few hours ago I’d been in the bar thinking her and me were history, and now, now I was in her bedroom with her dad’s approval while her mom lay dying in a hospital back in Portland…

She came back in.

I straightened up and looked at her.

“Do you want the bathroom?”

I nodded and got up, reminding myself we’d shared a room for two weeks at the coast.

In the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like shit. I used the toilet, washed my hands and my face, and cleaned my teeth with some toothpaste on my finger. Then I went back into the bedroom. She was wearing cotton pajamas. She slid into the bed.

“You okay?” she asked.

“Yeah.” I didn’t look at her as I stripped my shirt off. I looked around for where to put it.

“Put your clothes on the chair.”

Her clothes were piled there.

I toed my shoes off, unbuttoned my fly and stripped off my jeans. I left my boxers on.

“Can you turn the main light out?”

“Okay.”

As I switched if off, she switched on a lamp by the bed.

We’d done this when we were away… but… it felt real tonight… Like she was my girl. I’d never had a proper girlfriend… ever… Because forever I’d just wanted her.

I slid into bed next to her…

“Turn the light out.”

She did.

“Let me hold you.”

She slid across the bed and came into my arms, and everything that had felt wrong for weeks became right as her head settled on my chest.

Her cold hand touched the skin over my ribs.

Instinctively my fingers brushed through her hair. “I wish you’d said something, Lind.”

“I couldn’t. Mom didn’t want us to.”

I sighed and squeezed her against me. “Well, just know now you can talk to me. I’m here for you…” I hesitated. “I love you…” It felt so good to say those words aloud to her and not keep them strangled inside me.

She took a breath; it drew across my skin. “Thank you…”

My fingers stroked through her hair. “It’s okay, I don’t expect you to say it back. But I just want you to know…”

She nodded. Then her tears wet my skin. I held her harder until sleep claimed me.

Lindy

Dad knocked on the door. “Do you kids want coffee?”

My eyes blinking, I sat up then looked down at Billy. “Do you?” He looked really tired when his eyes opened.

“What?”

“Do you want coffee?”

His expression crunched in confusion, but he said, “Yeah.”

“Yes please, Dad!”

I heard him walk away. Immediately I slipped out of bed. Leaving Billy there. “I’ll be back.” I hurried out into the hall to find Dad.

He was in the kitchen. “Have you heard from Mom?”

He turned and smiled at me. “She’s fine. She had a peaceful night. We can’t ask for any more than that.”

I leaned on the counter as he filled the kettle. “When will you go to the hospital?”

“In a couple of hours. She wants to be moved to the hospice today, though, Lindy, love, and then we are going to have to work out a routine. She won’t come home again now and you have to keep living. She knows that. She doesn’t expect you there every hour of every day.”

Tears clouded my vision.

“Come here.”

I went to him and let him hold me, and held him. “We are going to get through this together, sweetheart.”

I nodded.

“And we’ll be okay and your Mom is going to be okay too… We just have to learn to let her go, and make the passing as easy as we can for her…” More tears came. I knew all of this, in my head. But my heart…

“Mr. Martin. Lindy.” I turned to Billy. He’d put his shirt and jeans on, but his feet were bare and his hair messed up, and stubble shaded his jaw.

I smiled at him. He looked hung over. “You didn’t have to get up.”

“I didn’t like to just lie in bed.” He looked at Dad. “Can I do anything?”

“You can look after my daughter.” Dad smiled, then turned to the kettle as it whistled to say it was boiling.

Billy looked at me, his hands slipping into his front pockets as he shrugged.

“You’ve been doing a pretty good job so far, Billy, just keep going.” Dad didn’t look back, but lifted the kettle to fill the coffee pot.

Billy smiled at me.

“You have.” I walked over to give him a hug but a cell rang playing out
Clarity by Foxes
. It wasn’t mine or Dad’s.

“Shit.” Billy turned and headed off toward the sound, that probably came from my room.

I looked at Dad. “I want to ask him to stay here…”

“That’s okay, darling. I’d rather you aren’t here alone when I have to work.”

I hugged him again while the coffee brewed. Then I turned and filled mugs for Billy and I.

When I took them in the bedroom, Billy was sitting on the bed talking on his cell.

He looked up and smiled a little at me. “She’s okay.”

I smiled too, putting his coffee down on the side next to him.

“I’m round hers.”

“Yeah.” He looked at me again. “Jason’s mom says if you need anything, just ask… Did you want her to cook you some dinners or something… and would your mom want her to visit?”

I shrugged. I didn’t know if Mom would, and I couldn’t think about anything else.

Billy looked away. “She, or I, will let you know.”

“I know.” He looked up at me again. “He says he’s thinking of you… and Rachel is too.”

“Tell them thanks.”

“Did you hear that… she said thank you.”

“Alright, we’ll let you know.”

“Bye.” He touched the screen ending the call as he looked at me. “It’s weird talking to Jason when I’m sitting on your bed.”

I smiled. “It shouldn’t be, him and me were over ages ago…”

His gaze caught on mine asking.
And you and me?

I turned and sat down next to him. He leaned forward, rubbing his hands over his face and hair, like he was trying to wake himself up. My fingers settled on his back. I loved the way his back narrowed from his broad shoulders, angling into his hips. My fingertips skimmed over his shirt. “I don’t know about us, Billy. I can’t really think about the future right now. But I know I want you with me, and not just to have someone here. But because I want
you
here.”

He straightened up. “What are you doing today?”

“I don’t know; I’ll probably go with Dad to visit Mom. They’re gonna move her into the hospice today. But Dad is discouraging me from spending too much time with her. Billy… I’d really like it if you’d stay here for a few days?”

“Sure, I don’t mind. But I have some clients today. Will you be okay if I go to work?”

The guy just oozed concern. “I’ll be fine.”

“What if I go home after work, pick up some clothes and stuff, then call you when I’m ready?”

I nodded. “Okay.”

His fingers cupped my chin. “Sure.”

I nodded again. “Sure. Mom is going to be in the hospice weeks. I can’t stop living.”

He let me go. “Well then,” He looked down and pulled his shirt up to his nose. “I stink. I’m gonna go home and shower, and I’ll see you later, not drunk, and not hungover.”

I smiled at him, leaning back on the bed as he bent to pull his shoes on. “How will you get home?”

“I’ll walk. It’ll clear my head.”

“Call me when you get home.”

His lips twitched into a lopsided smile, that twinkled in his eyes too. “Okay.”

When he had his shoes on he leaned forward and as his palm braced the back of my neck that stupid leather bracelet brushed my skin. He pressed a kiss on my lips. Then he said over them, his gaze looking right into mine, “I love you.” The words skimmed a shiver down my spine. I really believed them. It had never felt like that when Jason had said them to me.

As he turned away, I stood up. “You know you’ve always worn that bracelet––”

“Yes, Lind. It is because you made it and I know you made it for Jason, but you gave it to me and it’s all I’ve ever had to hold on to…”

I didn’t know what to say. “I’ll walk you to the door.”

Dad was still in the kitchen. Billy lifted his hand to him. “Bye Mr. Martin, see you later.”