I Need You (29 page)

She had it out and on me in moments.

My brain was a fuzzy babble of want as I pressed into her warmth and her inner muscles welcomed and gripped at me.

I was frickin’ insane for her. I was lost. She had me in chains.

Both my hands pressed down on the leather seat, as hers ran under my open shirt, over my back and buttocks. I looked down, watching myself entering her, working her slowly, enjoying every sensual second as she pushed up against me.

She wanted me to go faster. I wasn’t going faster. I wanted to hang on as long as I could. It could be our last time…

Fuck. She was good now. The Lindy of a few weeks back was long gone. She was rocking up against me and shifting her pelvis so the different angles added to my pleasure.

I gritted my teeth, trying hard not to come, thinking of anything but what she was doing… refusing to be hurried.

This was a true battle.

I bit my lip to cover a growl, when she caught the tip of my dick with a crafty movement.

“Come on, go faster.” Her hot urging hovered in the humid air around us as a desperate plea. It was said because she really needed it, not ‘cause she just wanted it.

I gave in, pumping hard and fast, striking at her most sensitive spot with each thrust, her legs opened wider, and her toes slipped into the back of my jeans, over the top of my thighs.

She came in seconds, her legs limp and her fingernails scoring my back. I carried on, determined not to let this end yet. I worked brutally for minutes and minutes more, making her come over and over again, until with a whimper of pure bliss her fingertips slid down and gripped at my buttocks as she came one more time. That had me. I went over the edge with her. Falling like a stone into a deep ravine and tumbling hard. I shut my eyes. Shit. Shit. That was probably the best orgasm I’d ever had. It blasted through me like a jet engine and left me empty.

My heart slowed to a calmer rhythm and breath returned to my lungs. I opened my eyes to find hers focused on me.

Her fingers combed through my hair. Her eyes said she had a deeper feeling for me than friendship. But, how did I know?

I sighed as I withdrew from her.

“Here.” She gave me a tissue she’d brought from home, to put the condom in, like she did every night.

The bitter sordid feeling twisted a knife into my gut.

When I moved back to put my clothes straight, she slid her panties on, then did her bra up and straightened her top.

I knelt on the seat, my arm along the back. I had to face her off and get the air clear. I needed to push this to get it right.

“Lind…” She sat with one knee bent up on the seat so she could face me, and the other leg on the floor of the SUV, her hand curled in her lap.

I willed her to say what I wanted her to say, but I could see she just wanted to go home.

“Yeah.”

I held her gaze. “What are we doing? Are we dating or what? Are you my girl or what?”

Her forehead squished up in a frown.

What the frick was so confusing?

“Billy––”

I heard the denial––rejection––in her pitch. My hand fell off the back of the seat.

If anyone ended this, I was. I was gonna be in control. I wasn’t gonna let her push and pull me around, and I couldn’t stand to hear her say,
nothing
. “It doesn’t matter, whatever it is, it’s over.”

“What?” Her eyebrows shot up. The word stung with accusation and anger.

My hand lifted and flung my irritation at her. “I don’t want this––”

“What do you mean?” She moved toward me.

I leaned back. “I mean, I don’t want to be your sex toy––a sex-only thing. I can get that anywhere. That isn’t what I’m after with you. I won’t drive you out here again. That’s it, we’re done, okay?” Why did I say okay? I didn’t care if she was okay with it. I wasn’t.

“Billy…” Her fingers gripped my shirt, like she had something to say, like she was gonna fight for me, but if she’d intended to, the fight died on her lips, cause she let me go and turned away instead. “Will you take me home?”

“Sure.” Course I’d take her home. I wasn’t gonna leave her out here…

She unlatched the door and slipped out. She was in the passenger seat by the time I climbed back in to the driver’s seat.

She stared ahead as I reversed out.

She didn’t say anything and I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing either.

This had turned into a pile of shit. But I knew where I stood now.

Nowhere.

I had to get over her, get her out of my soul. There was nothing there on her side, beyond lust. And lust was not enough for me.

As soon as I stopped outside her house, her belt was undone, and she leapt out the SUV.

The door slammed without a goodbye or anything.

My teeth clenching on my anger and hurt, I hit the wheel with the palm of my hand. “Fuck it.” I’d blown it. But then in reality there had been nothing to blow.

My obsession with Lindy had to be over.

Gripping the wheel hard, I gunned the engine and pulled off, leaving the pain I’d endured for years behind. I’d lived with it long enough.

Lindy

“Lindy? Lindy, honey?” Mum shouted as I ran into the house and straight past where she lay on the couch. “Lindy!”

I couldn’t speak to her, not now, I just needed a minute to pull the shattered pieces of me together, but when I got into my room, that wasn’t what I did. I slammed the door shut, fell against it, gripping my head in my hands and cried as heartbreak poured out of my soul and I slid to the floor.

Why had I thought a guy would want me? Nobody wanted me! I wasn’t meant to be happy! I was meant to be miserable! I sobbed noisily into my hands, glad no one was here to see.

I hated Billy and I hated Jason. I hated fate and God and life…

If I didn’t know it would hurt Mom and Dad too much, I’d just get rid of myself… But I knew how selfish that had been now, and I couldn’t consider it again.

I stood up, angry with them both: Billy and Jason. Oh… and with myself. My mascara-smeared face glared back at me from the mirror on the chest of drawers bedside my bed. I threw it at the wall. It crashed against it and smashed.

“Lindy! Lindy!” Dad’s voice rumbled along the hall outside my room. “Lindy! Are you okay? What is it? What happened?” He tried the door, but I’d flicked the catch when I’d slammed it shut.

The handle rattled. “Lindy, open this!”

Just go away.

“Lindy!”

He wouldn’t go. I knew he wouldn’t. Not after I’d taken an overdose. He was probably picturing all sorts of hideous stuff right now. I took a breath as tears streamed down my cheeks.

“Lindy?” His voice was quieter. Perhaps he’d heard me crying.

“I’m coming. Just give me a minute.” I went into my bathroom and ran the water, grabbing my washcloth.

“Lindy?”

“I’m wiping my face! I’ll be there in a moment!”

I dipped the washcloth in the water, staring at myself in the mirror. I’d have seven more years of bad luck now, after breaking the other mirror.

Tears welled in my throat. What did it matter, my life couldn’t get any worse, and who the hell cared what I looked like? Why was I so bothered about looking good when no one cared?

I threw the washcloth in the water and left it there, going to open my door. Dad stood outside, his hands on his hips and concern in his eyes. I loved Dad. But he didn’t know how to connect with me, what to say…. It wasn’t his fault. Nothing was his fault, and he was going through this too.

Seeking comfort, I did something I never normally did. I stepped out of my room and slipped my arms about his middle. His arms came around me and I started crying again, sobbing into his cotton shirt. Then I realized that his body was shaking too. He was crying too. I didn’t look up, just held him even tighter as his damp cheek rested against my hair and we cried together.

“Dwayne! Lindy?”

Dad pulled away instantly, wiping the tears off his cheeks.

I wiped mine away too.

He smiled at me. “I know it’s hard, Lindy love. It’s hard for me too. But we will get through this. We’ll be okay. Now come in and sit with your mother for a little while so you can put her mind at rest?”

I nodded, my gaze clouding. I wiped the tears away, and took a breath to stem the urge to sob. I didn’t know how anything would be okay anymore. The last few weeks, when I’d had Billy to go to, to escape into, things had got bearable. But now…

Chapter Eighteen

Billy

“When are you gonna start smiling again?” Eva slid a plate of pancakes across the counter to me. I sat on a stool on the opposite side, not smiling. I felt like shit.

“Have you heard from Lindy lately?”

I met Eva’s far-too-perceptive gaze. “Not since her text. that said, you’re a jerk. I hate you.”

It had come just after midnight on the last night I’d dropped her back at hers.

“She’s the jerk. I can’t believe she doesn’t see what you feel for her. I––”

My teeth gritted, neither did I. “Stop it, Eva, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But––”

“Have you and Lindy parted ways entirely then?” Mom walked into the room, interrupting Eva before she could launch into her favorite everything-that-is-wrong-with-Lindy-Martin speech, I’d heard it a lot in the last few days. Eva no longer thought Lindy was nice. Sleeping with, and then ignoring, her brother equaled “not nice” in Eva’s eyes. To me, it just equaled pain.

“Yes, Mom.” I think so. I hadn’t told my family yet but I’d been looking at places to live in Portland. I figured this time I was better off making a clean break and getting away from here. I needed to put Lindy behind me. While I was still here, knowing she was only up the road, she was constantly in my head, messing me up.

“Well, honey, you know we are all here for you if you want to talk.” Mom’s hand slid onto my shoulder, gripped, then fell away.

“I know.”

Dad had spoken to me the night before. My family were close, but it meant they all knew way too much of my business. At least they didn’t broadcast it, though.

I started eating the pancakes.

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out, sweetheart,” Mom added.

So was I.

“I’ll tell her what a bitch she is, if you like?” Eva grinned at me with an evil eye, ready for a fight on my behalf.

I swallowed my mouthful of pancakes. “Just leave it, Eva, she didn’t do anything wrong––she just doesn’t like me like I like her. It’s not a crime and it’s not her fault.”
It’s just, sad
, and like being kicked in the balls and punched in the gut.

“Like I said, she’s the jerk.” She tossed me a smile then headed off to finish getting ready for school and go catch the bus.

“Are you sure you’re okay. Can I do anything?”

“No, Mom, just give me some space to be down. I’ll get over it and then I’ll be fine.”

She gave me a concerned smile, worry hovering in her eyes, then nodded and turned away. My cell rang out
Clarity by Foxes
and vibrated on the counter beside me.

I had to change that ringtone.

I glanced down. Jason. We’d been talking a lot since Lindy and I had split. It was like old times, we were close and reliant on each other. The only difference was there was no Lindy standing between us.

Maybe some good was gonna come out of all this.

“Hi.”

“Hey, do you feel like a drink?”

“If you want.”

“Don’t sound so keen.”

“Sorry, yeah, okay, whatever. I probably need to.”

“Rachel wants to come out with us, is that okay? I think it would be good for her. She’s in one of her crazy happy moods.” He laughed. “So watch out, because she’s going to be burning energy talking…”

“If you want, if she wants…”

“Again, not so keen.”

I laughed. “Whatever.” I should really get to know her more, if Jason and I were gonna be close again. It would be a novelty to be close with him and not jealous. The image of the leopard marking my chest presented itself, a reminder to move on. “Okay, that would be cool. I’d like to get to know her better.”

“You’re not gonna secretly start liking her, though? She’s a little addictive when she’s up, it’s catching.”

I laughed. “No, you’re in the clear, I’m done with that.”

“Rachel will drive. She can’t drink anyway ‘cause she’s breastfeeding. We’ll pick you up at eight, after Saint’s settled. Mom is gonna look out for him.”

“The family life…”

He laughed.

“Sure. See you then.”

“See you later. Have a good day.”

“And you.” He hung up. I put my cell down, to eat my now-cold pancakes.

“Who was that?” Eva asked.

I glanced over to see her head stuck around the door. “Jason. He asked me to go for a drink again…”

“It’s good you two are spending more time together.”

“Thanks. What are you now, grown from my little sister into my mother?”

She smiled as she came over, and then she messed up my hair, ‘cause she knew I hated that. “Nope, just the little pain in the ass, who’s gonna hang around her big brother for the rest of her life. I love you, Billy. Lindy is blind and stupid”

“Thanks. But you won’t be around for the rest of your life. You’ll find a guy and then you won’t be interested in me.”

“I wish.” She smiled before walking off to go get her school stuff.

“Do you want me to run you to school, Eva?” Mom offered.

“No I want to catch the bus. There’s a boy I like on there. Maybe he’ll be the one to convince me my big brother isn’t the best guy in the world… I’m working on him.” She looked from Mom to me, throwing me a sparkling impish smile.

I laughed. She disappeared.

Shit, I had been chasing Lindy since the days we used to all pile onto the school bus. It hit home how sad my obsession with her was.

I needed to man up and move on.

Billy

Watching Jason with Rachel was interesting. He was so relaxed it made me realize how tense he’d always been around Lindy. He’d held himself in with Lindy, careful of everything he’d said and done, not with Rachel. They laughed a lot and talked constantly and he was right, she was in a crazy, bubbly mood––smiling constantly, teasing him and laughing loudly. Making him laugh too.