I Represent Sean Rosen (9 page)

“Okay.”

I went into the kitchen. The phone rang. I answered. “Stefanie President's office.”

“Yes. Who's this?”

“Ethan . . . we're just going to stop for a second. Can you try that last line again? It still sounds like you're reading it. Which you are, I know. But can you try to make it sound like you're actually talking to someone? Like in real life?”

“I can try.”

He tried. After a few minutes, I figured out why it wasn't working. When Ethan talks in real life, he sounds exactly like he's reading. And not reading with expression. I came back into the dining room to work with him.

It was actually funny. I would read a line the way I thought it should sound, then Ethan would try to imitate me, and he would always sound exactly like himself. Then we would both crack up. It was never going to work. We ended up watching a couple of my podcasts instead. I think he liked them.

Ethan never asked me who Dan Welch is or who Stefanie President is or anything. And even though it didn't work, I was right. It was fun.

S
ince Ethan can't be Dan Welch on the phone, I'm going to pretend I'm Dan Welch's assistant and call Brad myself. All I need to get from Brad is his e-mail address. Then Dan can e-mail him and set up my meeting.

I wonder if Brad always answers Stefanie V. President's phone. I would hate to call and actually get
her
. I guess if she answers, I can just hang up. But I hate hanging up on people. Or when someone hangs up on me.

It'll be okay. None of the people in show business I called so far answered their own phone. Brad probably always answers unless he's at lunch, and I think lunchtime in Los Angeles is over.

What if he asks who I am and why I want his e-mail address? I'll just say I'm Dan Welch's assistant, and Dan wants to set up a meeting with Stefanie for someone he manages.

What if he asks me my name? I can't be Sean Rosen. I should be ready with something else. Chris. That's a name I always wanted to have. I don't mind Sean, except when you have a name that doesn't sound like it looks, you have to spell it all the time. It's actually kind of annoying.

Chris might be like that, too. You don't pronounce the
H
, and there are different ways to spell it. But I like it. And when Brad hears my voice on the phone, if he thinks I'm a girl, it's okay because there are girls named Chris. I actually don't think I sound like a girl.

I got my phone. First I blocked Caller ID. I learned this from my dad, who sometimes does it when he calls people who didn't pay their plumbing bill. Then I called Stefanie's number.

I was glad I had a name ready.

Actually, I forgot what I was planning to say because I was thinking
I'd
like to go to a screening, too.

That was easy. Brad sounds like a nice guy. I hope he's not mad when he finds out that we're not inviting him to a screening. Maybe I should have told him that it isn't a screening, so he doesn't get his hopes up. But Brad doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would want revenge. If we
were
having a screening, I would invite him. Actually, when the movie I still don't have an idea for has a screening, I'll make sure Brad is invited.

To: Brad
From: Dan Welch Management

Dear Brad,

I manage Sean Rosen. Stefanie asked me to contact you to set up a meeting for Sean to talk to her about his movie idea. Unfortunately, Sean has commitments that will keep him away from L.A., so I'm wondering if they can have this meeting on Skype.

The best time for Sean is after 2 pm L.A. time. This week is kind of full for him, so if we can schedule the meeting for next week or the week after, that would be better.

I'm excited for Stefanie and Sean to meet. He's a unique guy, and this is a cool idea that no one else has heard yet.

Thanks, Brad.
Best,
Dan

I read it over about fifteen times. I like the way Dan Welch writes. I'm pretty sure that people in Los Angeles call it “L.A.” Dan wasn't kidding when he said that no one has heard this idea yet. No one including me.

I read it again, then I finally hit SEND. Then I shivered. Not because I'm cold, but because I still can't believe any of this is happening.

Because that's what it feels like. Something that's happening to me, not something I'm actually doing. I know that might be hard to explain to the FBI.

Dan told Brad I'm going to be busy this week, which is true. Besides my podcast, this is the week we take everyone's picture for the e-yearbook.

My school used to have a paper yearbook. Well, it used to have no yearbook, then for years it had a paper yearbook. Then last year the school ran out of money and had to fire six teachers. So now we have an e-yearbook, which isn't bad except you can't write in it the way people used to write in each other's yearbooks.

Our e-yearbook has an Autograph Wall that you can “write” on, but it's not the same. I love reading what people wrote in my parents' high school yearbooks. This one is from my dad's.

Jackie, you dog—

Never forget that night at Gino's or those nights after bowling or . . . Damn! I forget.

Stay cool, you fool.

Tremor

That's right. Tremor. Not Trevor. It was a nickname. His real name is Roger. My dad won't tell me the story of Roger's nickname. Dad calls him Trem. We ran into him once in a store. I was a little surprised my dad was ever friends with him, but they were in high school a long time ago, and those nights Tremor wrote about in the yearbook were in ninth grade.

Here's one from my mom's yearbook.

Dearest Elise,

If we're lucky, we have one special friend in our life. Someone whose shoulder we can cry on. Someone who can always make us laugh. For me, that friend is you. I'm very lucky.

Loads of love,

Dawn

My mom read that and thought it was the most beautiful thing anyone ever said to her. Until she read her cousin Angela's yearbook. Dawn wrote the exact same thing to her. Word for word. Most people didn't know that Angela and Mom were cousins. Dawn, for example. That would never happen on the Autograph Wall.

One of my jobs on the yearbook is to check people in when they come to get their picture taken. I like it because I sort of get to know everyone in the school. After I check them in, I make sure their picture actually gets taken. Then I put an X next to their name on the list.

I check the pictures because every once in a while, the photographer, who's just a kid in my school, thinks he took a picture of someone, but he didn't. Or sometimes it's just a really bad picture. Like someone's eyes are closed or something like that. When that happens, I suggest taking another picture. That's not part of my job, but who wants to have a bad picture in the yearbook?

In last year's yearbook, there was a really bad picture of someone, like embarrassingly bad. It was a kid who once said something really mean to me. It was in sixth grade. He said it in front of other kids, and the thing he said got to be a little famous. He and I used to be friends, but not after that. Actually, it's the same kid whose dad built the tree house. Doug.

I knew I should have told the photographer to take another picture of Doug, but I didn't. Doug probably doesn't know I could have saved him from having a bad picture in the yearbook, but
I
know. It's not something I feel good about. Maybe I won't be in the Publication Room tomorrow when Doug comes in for his picture.

Mr. Hollander came in at the beginning of today's picture session. This was my first time seeing him since Dan Welch became my manager. It was a little weird, because Dan Welch sounds a lot like Mr. Hollander. I wanted to tell Mr. Hollander about Dan Welch, but I decided not to. If I get arrested, I don't want anyone else to get in trouble.

I
got home and opened Dan Welch's e-mail account. There was something there. I was excited that Brad wrote back so quickly. Except he didn't.

To: Dan Welch Management

From: Dan Welch

Hey, Dan Welch!

It's me, Dan Welch. No, your not looking in the mirror. I'm another guy named Dan Welch. How do you like having our name? I like it fine. I've had it for 44 years now.

I came across you today when I was googling myself. You ever do that? I'm kinda addicted to it. Its mostly my ebay stuff that comes up, but there's a whole bunch of other Dan Welches out there. This was the first time I saw you.

Hey, your guy Sean is pretty good. I watched every one of his podcasts. Im not sure what there is to manage about podcasts, but knock em dead, buddy.

I'm in business 6 years now. Collectibles. You name it, I got it. Check out my website. UNameItIGotIt.com Are you a collector? I got everything. Sports, beany babies, franklin mint, hummels, unicorns, barbys, everything. TEll me what your looking for and I'll get it for you.

Who else do you manage besides Sean? I wonder if I need a manager. Seriously, if you ever want to work on something together or just kick around some ideas, give me a jingle. My number is 555-888-5555
(not his real number).

Okay buddy,

Dan

P.S. What's your middle name? Mine is Kelvin. I know. By the way, I have a certified strand of Chester Alan Arthur's hair. He used to be president. In case you need an unusual present for someone.

Wow. Even though I got the name from yogurt and grape juice, I guess there are some actual people named Dan Welch. I don't think Stefanie or Brad or anyone in the entertainment business will mix up my Dan Welch with this Dan Welch.

It feels a little weird that Collectibles Dan Welch went on my website and watched all of my podcasts. I know they're just sitting there on the internet for anyone to watch, and I actually
want
people to watch them. But I didn't know if anyone who doesn't already know me ever would.

I know the whole idea of being in the entertainment business is making movies and TV shows and music and games for millions of people I don't already know. It's just strange to read an e-mail from one of them. I'm glad Collectibles Dan Welch likes the podcasts. I guess he does if he watched all of them. I'm not going to write back. Anyway, he wrote to Dan Welch, not to me.

I actually have to get to work on my podcast. This is how I put one together: I go to a place in my town. It could be any kind of place—a store, a park, a gas station. I interview people who work there and other people who are there that day shopping or walking their dog or getting gas. I also take pictures.

It's usually a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. I stay for about two hours and I usually interview about eight people. I try to use every person I interview in the podcast. I would feel bad if I interviewed someone and they were waiting and waiting for the podcast to be uploaded, then they listened to it and they weren't even on it.

The questions I ask in the interviews are a little bit about the place and a little bit about the person I'm talking to. I also record all the different sounds of the place. My digital voice recorder is small, but it has two very good microphones built in.

Then I write a song that feels like it goes with the place. I edit everything, I upload it, and that's my podcast. Each piece is short, so it's very convenient. You can watch one piece or every piece on your phone or computer or whatever.