If You Only Knew (And Then Came Love Book 1) (38 page)

“You’re not homeless, Liza.”

“You’re right. I’m not, because I have a family who loves me.”

“I love you, too.” He rubbed his forehead.

“No, you forgot about me, Julian. You forgot about . . . us.” She rested her hand on her belly.

Julian stood, strode over to her, took her cheeks in his hands, and made her face him. “I could never forget about you, Liza. Never. Not you, nor the baby.”

Liza jerked away as a tear rolled down her face. “But you did.” She wiped at the tear. “Between the accusations, the drinking, leaving me, and then to find out I was so deep in debt, yeah that’s exactly what you did. In fact, I’ll go one step further . . . you threw us away, like we were yesterday’s leftovers.”

“I was in a bad state. I couldn’t even take care of myself.” His hands were shaking and his heart rate increased. Start of the DT’s? He hoped not. Shit he should have told the doctor when he was here, but if he said something now, Liza would be upset. Why couldn’t he ever do the right thing?

He picked up the phone in the conference room.

“What are you doing?” Liza asked.

“Calling Doc.” He pressed for the operator. “Can you please tell Doctor Marcus I need to speak with him? Thank you.” He hung up. This was going to bite him in the ass, but if she wanted to know he meant business, he had to do it.

“How am I supposed to rely on you when you’ve proven I can’t?”

“Liza, you—”

“No. Quit kidding yourself and be honest. Whenever I think I’m on the right track with you, your insecurities jump up. I find myself being accused of cheating on you, you leaving me, or you hiding in your lab and drinking. So don’t tell me I can rely on you.”

“That’s why I’m here. I’m trying to get help for the drinking problem.” His thoughts were racing again. Damn. Increased anxiety and he hadn’t taken his medication in a week. He hoped Dr. Marcus came before he said something he couldn’t take back.

“And what’s going to stop the rest? Is there going to be a point in our lives where I’m not accused of cheating on you? Twenty years down the road when some guy walks into our house and asks for a cup of sugar are you going to ask me if I’m fucking him?”

Julian cocked his head to the side. “You’re thinking twenty years down the road?”

“You’re an asshole. I’m thinking one hundred years down the road, Julian. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I can’t imagine my life without you. But it doesn’t stop me from being angry.” Liza turned away from him. “I want to know how long I need to walk on eggshells before you understand I’m not going anywhere.”

“I want that too, but my thoughts get out of control and I find myself fighting with you again.”

“If you’d stop drinking and take your meds on time, we could lessen those occurrences. But it has to matter as much to you as it does to me. No excuses, No bull shit!”

Julian looked down at the ground. “Maybe we shouldn’t be together.”

“Damn it, Julian! What’s wrong with you . . . will you listen for five fucking minutes? I voiced a concern it’s not an excuse or hint for you to leave. It means, pure and simple, it’s a concern you need to take seriously. Period. Quit running.” Liza clenched her fists and shook them. “When you have a bipolar episode it doesn’t matter who’s around they have to tread lightly. It’s part of dealing with the disorder. It has nothing to do with you, but your symptoms. And that’s all they are. Symptoms. They’re not you. You are not your disorder. You are your own loving individual who is extremely special to me. We’re going to have a daughter soon and I need to know Abigail and I won’t to end up alone.”

“I’d never let you two be—”

“You did!” Threw her arms out to the side. ”I should never have quit my job. I hate asking anyone for money, and the fact I had to ask you to pay those bills was degrading enough for me. I feel like a failure, because I couldn’t take care of my own expenses. So to first have you blow off my job, then blow off my bills . . . yeah that hurts.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you felt that way, Liza?” Julian put his hands on her upper arms.

“Because I shouldn’t have had too.” She shrugged. “How many times in the last nine months have I told you I didn’t want any part of your money? How many times have I refused things because I felt you were trying to buy my affection? I don’t want your money. I want us to be a family. That’s all.”

“I want that, too.”

“Well then, damn it help me out a little bit. Make me see I can trust you. The whole rehab thing goes a long way to showing me how much we matter.”

“I don’t have to do rehab if you need me more at home.” Beads of sweat broke out on his brow. He wiped them away before she could notice.

“You’re doing it again. I didn’t say that.” Liza smacked him in the back of the head. “When will you get it through your thick Vitalli skull that all I need from you is to show me that you love me.
And
you trust me as much as I do you?”

Julian laughed. “Are you done?”

“Not by a long shot, buster.” She shook her finger at him, opened her mouth to say something, snapped it closed, and sunk into the chair. “Yes.”

Julian sat down in the chair across from her. He picked up her foot, removed her shoe and sock and began to massage. “I don’t want to fight with you.”

“My feet smell.” Liza tried to pull her foot away.

“I don’t care.” He shrugged and continued, moving up her leg.

“I need to shave.”

“So do I.” Julian lifted his pants leg. “It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing or what you look like. This.” He reached up and rested his hand over her heart. “This is what matters to me.” His hands shook again.

Doctor Marcus stepped into the room. “Did you need something?”

He was losing it. He didn’t want to fall apart on Liza, not in her condition.

“You’re shaking.” She grasped his hand as it twitched.

“I’m going through withdrawals, Liza.”

“Ahh.” The doctor did an about face and left the room.

“What can I do?” She grabbed the box of tissues off the table and dabbed at his forehead.

“Somehow I think you’d going to be a hell of a better nurse than any I’m going to get in here.” Julian tugged her into his lap. “Take me home and be my nurse?” He winked.

“Not gonna happen.” Liza pressed a kiss to his forehead.

Behind her back, Julian took Gramps’ ring off his finger. He held it up for her. “I’d be honored if you’d wear this again.”

“If that’s a proposal it’s a sorry ass one.”

Julian laughed. “No, it’s not a proposal, but I think there may be one in your near future.”

“Don’t ask me the day you get out of rehab, I won’t say yes.”

“Duly noted.” He grinned. “What about today?”

“Nope. You’ll know the right time when it comes.” Liza took the ring from his fingers and held it but didn’t move. “There’s one condition to me wearing this ring.”

“What’s that?”

“I want to know what it means to you.”

Julian blew out a deep breath. “This could take a while.”

Liza checked the clock. “We’ve got another four hours before I have to leave.”

He nodded and looked down. He plucked at the bottom of her shirt. “When I was sixteen I OD’d on cocaine.” He watched her eyes for her reaction. “You already knew?”

Liza nodded. “Gramps and your dad filled me in.”

“What they probably didn’t tell you is that three days after I left the hospital, I stole money and the keys to the car from Mom’s purse.”

“You stole from your mother? From Jackie? That’s awful, she’s the sweetest lady I’ve ever met, besides your Gram. They said you stole money they didn’t say it was from Jackie.” Liza’s eyes were wide and she looked like she would cry.

“I had a bad coke habit and one piss poor I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude about my world.” Julian shrugged. “Anyway, I get to my dealer’s house, then as I’m about to go up to the door, all I could see is the disappointment in Gramps’ eyes. I headed to my car, only to find my cousin, the Police Commissioner, leaning against my car.”

“They said they had you arrested.” Liza smiled.

Julian nodded. “Spent the night in jail. For a sixteen-year-old kid it was pretty rough. I had my own cell, but you could still hear everything going on around you.”

“Did you learn anything from it?”

“Considering I thought my parents abandoned me. A little. Gramps came to pick me up. When I saw him, I thought it meant my parents were kicking me out. He told me he would get it through my head how dangerous drugs were if it killed him.”

Liza rubbed her hand over his back.

The tremors in his hands were happening more often. Liza would freak if they got much worse. “Gramps didn’t bring me home right away, instead he drove me to the cemetery.”

“The cemetery? Why?”

Julian closed his eyes, remembering the day.

*****

November 15
th
, 1994

A feeling of dread washing through Julian as they pulled up to the back lot of the cemetery. “Gramps?”

His grandfather drug an envelope out of the glove compartment. “Come with me.”

Julian got out of the car and followed his grandfather as he walked through the cemetery to a plot toward the back.

Gramps stopped in front of the headstone, said a quick prayer, and brushed at some of the leaves.

Julian read the headstone. Isaiah Vitalli. Born 12/17/1943. Died 1/21/1962.

“Isaiah? Who’s that?”

“Your uncle. Isaiah was supposed to be our last kid. Your father was a surprise to all of us.” Don smiled. “We spoiled him. Isaiah was three when your father was born and didn’t like it one little bit, giving up the spot as the baby of the family. The older he got the more he went out of his way to torture your father.”

“What happened?”

“Heroin overdose. A little over a month after his eighteenth birthday. Your Dad found his brother lying in pool of his own vomit. Terrible thing for a fifteen year old to see.” Gramps gestured toward a bench near a tree.

When they sat down, Don handed Julian the envelope he’d been carrying. “Open it.”

Julian peered at the packet. He slid the flap open and drew out the pictures contained inside. A young man on the morgue table, a sheet draped over the lower half of his body. The pictures fell from Julian’s hands as he sobbed. “Why?” He forced his hands through his hair and tried to look anywhere but at the pictures scattered on the ground.

“Do you want to end up like him?” Gramps picked up the pictures.

Julian closed his eyes when his grandfather handed him a picture.

“It’s not what you think – open your eyes.”

Julian opened his eyes and let out a sigh of relief when he saw it was a picture of the family. All of them standing together after him and Drew returned to the family.

“Look at all those people. Your mother and father. Which one of them do you want walking in and finding you the way Everett found Isaiah? What about Drew? Do you want your twin brother to see you like that? You want him to have to have to deal with losing you? How would you feel if you lost Drew?”

Julian couldn’t control the tears running down his face. He couldn’t stop the trembling of his body. Gramps put his arm around his shoulders. “I don’t want you to end up like the uncle you never knew you had. I don’t want Drew to have the same memories as your father.”

“I don’t—” Julian sobbed.

Gramps gave him a hug. “I have a hell of a deal for you if you’re interested.”

“What?” Julian looked up at his grandfather, confused.

He pulled the ring off his right ring finger. “You and I have talked about this ring before. You’ve heard the story of it.”

“Yeah,” Julian acknowledged.

“Did you know there was an engraving inside?” Gramps handed the ring to Julian so he could read it.

Julian looked close to see it. “What’s it say?”

“
Senza di te non sono niente,” Gramps said. “Without you I am nothing. Your grandmother’s ring says the same.”

“Senza di te non sono niente,” Julian repeated. “I like it.”

“When it was engraved on there it was about her and me. I still don’t think we’d last long without each other, but there’s one thing I’m sure of in this world.” He pressed his finger into Julian’s chest. “Without you I am nothing. Without my grandchildren, I wouldn’t want to be here. It was hard enough losing a son to drugs. I couldn’t imagine losing a grandson the same way.”

“There’s a deal that comes with that ring—I’m not giving it to you today.” Gramps accepted the ring when Julian handed it to him.

“Let’s hear it?”

“I never want to go through this again. No more drugs. You graduate high school, without any more of these incidents and the ring is yours.”

“How am I supposed to beat this?”

“You want another look at the pictures of your uncle?”

“No.” Julian shook his head.

“We’ll get you through this. You have to be willing to fight with us, not against us.” Gramps stood and held his hand out to Julian.