Illusion (15 page)

             
"Yeah, I know they will."

             
When she pulls away, her eyes look at where I placed her book. "Oh my God, I'm going to kill you!"

             
I roll my eyes. "I thought we just had this-"

             
She interrupts me as she grabs my wrist and looks at the ink on it. Oh, right, that. I almost forgot about it, now that it doesn't itch. "I cannot believe you haven't told me you got a tattoo. When the hell did you get this?" Her eyes bore into mine.

             
"Two weeks ago."

             
"It's cute but I'm so mad at you! You decide to be rebellious and you don't even tell me. I'm slightly disappointed with you."

             
I stick my tongue out at her. "Oh shut it. It wasn't about being rebellious, it was something I had wanted to do with Kirt after we got married, and Harvey brought me to the shop and helped me choose out something that really meant a lot to me."

             
Emi helps bring me out of my funk and I end up doing my hair and makeup while she showers and I change into better clothing. I mentally scold myself for leaving the house the way I did earlier.

             
We spend the day visiting various shops around the city, picking up a few things for dinner, and I'm forced by Emi to buy a cheap electronic tablet. She said later she was going to download some books to my tablet, and she showed me where I can watch movies and TV shows online for only a few dollars a month. I'm pretty excited by it actually, it'll give me something to do when I'm left alone.

             
My mood changes drastically as the day goes on, in fact, my guilt even eases up quite a bit. All that is behind me as I spend quality time with my sister.

             
It quickly hits full force the very next day though.

             
Walking into the break room during lunch, since Harvey still is up North and I don't want to sit in our park alone, I walk straight to fridge and pull out my lunch bag. I decided to stick with a sandwich again, that way I don't have to hog the microwave, and I walk over the only empty table. I was hoping Meghan would be in here, but she usually takes a much later lunch than me, so it makes sense she's not.

             
Brice walks in seconds after I sit down but he doesn't even look in my direction. He just puts his Tupperware dish in the microwave and he fiddles with something in his lunch box. When the microwave beeps, he pulls out his dish and turns. That is when he spots me. I think he truly did not notice me when he walked in, when I thought he was just simply ignoring me. He gives me a sad smile and walks slowly towards me.

             
My heart beats out of control the entire time he walks in this direction. When he sits down, he looks at the table instead of at me. "Hey," I say softly.

             
"Hey," he says back, still not looking at me.

             
I sigh drastically and place my sandwich down. "Seriously, you're going to ignore me?"

             
His eyes look in my direction as his face is still tilted down and it's an extremely intimidating look. It's actually very scary, and if I didn't know he was such a funny, nice guy, I'd probably run away. Instead, I wait for him to say something, anything, trying my best not to cringe with the effect he has on me right now.

             
"I'm not ignoring you, I said hi, and I'm sitting with you." His gaze goes back down to his food. I decide to be childish and I stick my finger in his spaghetti-os. He freezes with his fork midair and drops it. The loud cling causes a few people to turn and stare. Two people I notice give a very strange look, so I quickly remove my finger and stick it in my mouth, incredibly embarrassed. I don't know what made me just do that.

             
"What the-"

             
"Sorry," I blurt out in a hurry.

             
He looks up at me and he is... smiling. He is actually smiling. I wasn't expecting that. He shakes his head slowly back and forth, accessing me with amusing eyes. "I don't get you."

             
"I don't get me either," I say, shrugging my shoulders. It's true, I don't.

             
He chuckles while he picks up his fork. "Am I allowed to eat my food now or are you going to murder it with your finger again?"

             
My eyes narrow at him but I don't say anything. I pick up my sandwich and bite it too, smiling between bites. I'm glad we can be fine.

             
"Did you have a good day yesterday?" he asks me after a few minutes.

             
"I did, how about you?"

             
"Eh, I guess so."

             
"Why just eh?"

             
"Honestly?" I nod my head to answer him. He sort of sighs and looks sluggish. "I was worried you were angry with me, and I was pretty angry with myself." I can see the embarrassment and shame in his features and that makes me feel really bad.

             
"Hey," I say to him when he looks down at his food. His eyes meet mine slowly. "I was mad at myself, never you. Don't feel ashamed or angry about what happened. It was-" I press my lips together and smile a little. I shouldn't tell him how incredible it was, because I've already gone behind Harvey's back enough, but it was definitely something fierce.

             
He finally smiles as he remembers Saturday night. "Yeah, it was," he says with a pleased smirk.

             
"So we can be friends right?" I feel bad asking him if we can be friends after what happened, and after he admitted he had feelings for me, but that is all I can offer to give him. There is something about Brice I like, and I'd like to have him in my life.

             
I see his eyes roll when he looks to the side. He clears his throat before looking back at me with a small smile. "Yeah, friends is good."

             
"Good."

             
We finish lunch together mostly in silence, but it's a pretty comfortable silence. I do notice that his eyes linger on my lips when I talk, and he seems to always have a sort of smile on his face, wither its sad, happy, or amused. I'm not sure how I didn't notice that the couple days last week we ate together. Maybe he didn't look like that, maybe it's new after what we experienced together over the weekend.

             
I finish the work day feeling a little better about me and the situation. That is, until Harvey calls me as I'm approaching my house. "Hey," I answer the phone.

             
"Hey beautiful. How was work today?"

             
"Oh, you know, just fine. Work. How are you?"

             
He is quiet for a minute, which has my heart beating out of control. "I'm alright. I'll be home Thursday evening."

             
That bums me out. Emi and him won't be able to meet one another quite yet, but he obviously needs to be there. His poor dad and aunt, and him. Oh, I feel so bad for them. "Are you okay?"

             
"Yeah, they're pulling the plug tonight. All the arrangements are made for her funeral and memorial service. I just wanted to let you know, but I need to go. I'll call you tomorrow."

             
"Okay, bye Harvey."

             
"Bye Zoey."

             
The phone goes silent and I feel a little melancholy over everything. And guilty. I mean, he is hours away from me comforting his dad and who knows who else in his family, watching his aunt pass away, and I basically cheated on him. Heck, I did cheat on him. I got off under the touch of another man that I was kissing and dry humping. I'm a horrible, horrible person. This is not me, it's never been me. I hardly even noticed if another guy was attractive in my past, because I was faithful and in love.

             
Maybe that is it? Maybe I'm just not in love. Well, that I do know. I'm not in love with Harvey at all. But maybe it's the fact he is first guy I've even considered since Kirt's passing away, the first guy I've developed any feelings over, and everything between us is perfect. Maybe what happened Saturday was my subconscious telling me I need to explore other things. Other people. Maybe I rushed into things with Harvey too fast. I wouldn't have even become his girlfriend had Emi not pushed me.

             
I lived with perfection too long. Everything between Kirt and I was amazing. Even our fights and arguments were great, because when they were done, we made up in the most passionate of ways. Holding each other tights hours after we made love, and talking through it all. We got everything out in the open and moved on from it. We learned from it. We had the right amount of love, passion, ciaos, and everything in between. We were made for one another.

             
Then here I am, jumping into a relationship with someone I don't know from Adam, and everything is perfect. Right from the beginning, everything just flows together between us. I think it's why I didn't question it more. It doesn't help he reminds me of Kirt either. Maybe this is what I needed, to make a mess of things. It'll test our relationship and see if he really is worth keeping, or if I really did just jump into something way too fast.

             
With a long sigh, I decide I'll sort through this later, when I have more time to concentrate on this beautiful mess I'm in. Maybe in the shower or before bed. Preferably when Emi is already back home, because knowing me, I may need another screaming session with Kirt, or the ceiling, or whatever.

             
Emi is sprawled on the couch when I get home and she is watching something on the tablet I just purchased. That wench. "What are you doing?" I ask as I shut the door and place my purse on the coat rack.

             
She startles at the sudden distraction. "Oh, holy crap, you scared me!"

             
I walk over and sit on the end of the couch her feet are resting on. "Did you even shower today? And you know I haven't even had a chance to play with that thing yet, and I spent a small fortune for it."

             
I can see her roll her eyes at me over the top of it. "Hush, let me finish this episode, I'm three minutes and four seconds away from it ending."

             
I simply just shake my head and wait. When it goes silent and she places it down on her stomach, she looks at me with a smile. "Sorry, just was downloading a few things for you and got a little lost in the lives of Lucas, Peyton, and Brooke."

             
"Not sure I know what you're talking about, but okay."

             
Her jaw drops. "Girl, I'm making a long list of TV shows you best be watching on this. You don't know what you're missing!"

             
"Whatever," I say with a small sigh. "Let's go eat somewhere, I don't feel like sitting around the apartment today."

             
"You okay?" she asks.

             
"Yup." I stand up and make it to my bathroom to fix my makeup a little before we head out. Emi comes in minutes later and starts the shower. "I knew you hadn't showered yet."

             
She laughs. "I'm on vacation, of course I haven't. Give me a half hour and I'll be good to go."

             
An hour later, when she is actually ready, we walk out the door and find ourselves a delicious restaurant, then we catch a movie after. It was almost mid night when we got back home and I fell asleep faster than I ever have before.

             
The last day of Emi being here, I leave work at lunch so I can spend some quality time with her. My boss, Gemma, had approved it last week when I knew the days Emi was going to be here and leave. I feel bad I had to work at all, but I don't have vacation time saved up anymore. Besides, it was only yesterday and half a day today. I know she did just fine without me.

             
On the way home, I pick up a massive amount of Chinese food for lunch, as well as a bottle of wine. Emi is all kinds of excited when I walk through the door. She already has the paper plates and cups waiting on me. We separate our food and sit down Indian style on my floor, food and drinks on the coffee table, and we have some light music coming off from my tablet. That girl has downloaded just about everything she possibly could.

             
At least I'll have something to do tomorrow and Thursday after work, until I'm occupied with Harvey again. I really need to make more friends.

             
"So you've been bummed about something," Emi says after a few bites of our delicious food.

             
I look at her and debate with myself if I should just go ahead and tell her. She is my sister and has been with her fair share of guys, and I know she is the last one on earth to judge me. I just don't want her disappointed in me for basically lying to her, and for doing that behind her back with Brice.

             
She pushes at my arm, grabbing my attention as I daze off in my own thoughts. Her face expression tells me that she is going to get it out of me one way or another.

             
Here goes nothing.

             
"I kind of cheated on Harvey," I say in a low voice.

             
Her jaw drops as a loud gasp leaves her mouth. "What? I never, ever, thought I'd hear those words leave your mouth."

             
I bite down on my lip and stare down at the food that no longer is making my mouth water. I decide to drink down some wine, needing to feel that warmth that loosens me up. Even though I'm still nervous, I get a small amount of courage to open up to Emi.

             
"Saturday, when Brice came back here to wait for you." Except, I now know he never was actually waiting on her, he just wanted to spend time with me. "I'm not really sure how it happened, or why, it was all so fast, but he started kissing me and his hands went up my shirt." I have to take several deep breaths to stop myself from having a panic attack, while still not looking at Emi. I don't want to see the disappointment on her face. "We didn't do anything more than that, we just... grinded together. And we both sort of... got off."

             
Silence surrounds me while she processes everything I say. Then I hear a small sigh and a light giggle. Wait, what? I look up and she is smiling ear to ear. "Why didn't you tell me?" Her voice is sincere and a little disappointed, while her face expression is anything but.

             
"I was embarrassed and ashamed," I tell her with a shrug. "I thought you'd be really angry with me."

             
"Do you like him?" She ignores everything I just said.

             
"As a friend, yes."

             
"And Harvey?"

             
I take another sip of wine, needing it right now. I need a lot of it right now. "I really like him, a lot. More than a friend for sure. I just, I think I rushed it. I don't know. I'm confused. I've been thinking a little on it, and I was thinking that I'll just see how he reacts Thursday. If he leaves me, I won't argue with him. If he stays, well, I'll see how things go. I don't know. I'm confused and stressed and so many other things I never had to worry about in a relationship before."

             
She reaches over and runs her hand down my arm, comforting me. "You didn't exactly cheat. I mean, yes, you kissed him and-" she tilts her head, "got off?" My face flames red in embarrassment. Her brows lift and she can't stop the smile. "But it's not like you had sex or touched each other’s uglies."

             
"Our uglies?"

             
Her head bobs. "Uh yeah, you've seen a penis and vagina right?" She shudders. "Nothing cute about them."

             
I can't help but laugh at her. God, I really do love everything about my sister.

             
"Anyways, he'll either understand or he won't. If he likes you, he'll look past it all and work this out with you. This is new to you and you're confused, you're allowed to be with everything you went through. You were drunk, alone with a very attractive guy, and you're finally moving on from a horrible tragedy. So yeah, if he doesn't understand that, you're better off. Just next time, please tell me. I'll never hate you."

             
"Thanks Emi, I needed to hear that from you. More than I realized."

             
"Of course. Now, enough with the bitter talk. Tell me how amazing that sexy little Brice was. He must be one hell of a kisser." She winks at me and I can feel myself blush.

             
Instead of answering her, I pick up my fork and begin eating again, now that my appetite is already back. She laughs at me and continues to eat her food too.

             
We talk some more, then we walk around the city a little, that way Emi can check out a few more shops and places. When it's time to bring her to the airport, we call a cab and double check she has everything, including her silly little novel that she freaked out about. Okay, not silly, I admit, I loved it. I'm also excited to finish reading some more that she put on my tablet for me. I was shocked at how cheap they were.

             
When the two of us open the door to leave, Brice is standing there with his hand fisted in front of my door like he was about to knock. "Brice?"

             
He looks a little embarrassed. "Yeah, sorry, I just thought Emi would like if I drove you two to the airport. You know, with it being late and all."

             
Emi smiles and passes her luggage to him. "That would be spectacular, thanks Bricey." Bricey? Really Emi? I try not to roll my eyes. "How thoughtful of you." Her eyes look over to me and they're full of amusement.

             
I lock the door behind me and follow the two down the hall, down the stairs, and out the door.

             
Emi and I hug each other for what seems like twenty minutes, then she gives me a kiss on the cheek. I soak myself in her scent, knowing I'm going to miss her so much. I wish she could just move up here and live with me. I know she could find an amazing job in the city, one that probably pays her better that what she is making. She could live with me, paying nothing for rent, and we could save up tons of money together.

             
Maybe I'll ask her eventually. I know she'll miss this city. I already know I'll miss it when I'm gone. Not that I don't love Atlanta and miss my family deeply, but there is something about New York City that is just amazing. I've never seen such a beautiful place.

             
Brice drives me back home and the entire car ride is silent. When he pulls next to the curb and places his car in park, I turn to face him. "Thanks for the ride and being so thoughtful."

             
"Yeah, of course. It was no problem. I'll see you at work tomorrow."

             
Why is it that I don't want to get out of the car? I'm going to walk into an empty apartment and be completely alone all night. I'm so used to either Harvey or Emi being around, that I'm not sure what to do with myself. I know I have movies and I can now read or watch TV series, but it isn't the same. I don't have someone's presence around me. That is what is lonely. I'm feeling more distant than ever from Kirt, now that I'm finally moving on, and I don't even feel him around me like I used to.

             
"Will you come inside with me?" I know I shouldn't ask, but I just need someone around me tonight.

             
His eyes watch me closely, probably wondering why I asked and if I meant it.

             
"If you don't want to, it's okay. I just... you know what, never mind." I shake my head and reach for the door when he turns the car off. I pause and look back at him. He is opening the door on his side, watching to make sure that no cars are coming.

             
I open my door and get out. He walks around the back of his car towards me. He doesn't say anything, just waits for me to start walking towards my building. I do, and he follows closely.

             
When we get back inside I realize just how much of a mistake this is. I know I'd feel lonely with him gone, but with him here, I feel uncomfortable. I don't want him to think I asked him up here because I want a repeat of this past weekend. "I, uh, I'm sorry."

             
He looks at me and smiles. "I understand. You miss your sister and need some company. I make good company, I promise." He walks over and looks through my movies. "This one looks good, what do you think?"

             
"Uh, yeah, sure." I don't even look at what he chooses.

             
"Go get into something comfortable, I'll get us a drink, and we can just watch a movie and relax. I promise I won't touch." He winks at me and I feel myself getting a little warm all over. It isn't because I'm embarrassed either.

             
I do as he says but this time I wear baggy pajama bottoms, a loose-fit tee-shirt, and I throw my hair into a very messy bun. Good, now he won't find me attractive or whatever. I won't tease or tempt him in any way by my clothing choice, and since I won't have a pillow fight or anything with him, nothing will happen between the two of us.

             
When I walk back into the living room, he is already sitting on the couch. Two glasses of the wine I purchased earlier are placed on the coffee table. That is a lot of wine for me to drink in one days’ time when I'm doing nothing but sitting at home, but I'll accept it anyways.

             
I settle on the couch, thank him for the drink, then watch Of Mice and Men, which he chose out of my limited collection. Even though this is a favorite movie of mine, I realize I really need to purchase more movies.

             
"I was thinking about something today."

             
Still naked and feeling completely satisfied, I roll to my side and face Kirt. "Oh yeah, what's that?" I can hear the breathlessness in my own voice. I'm surprised his voice doesn't match. Although, from the look on his face, he is feeling just as satisfied as me.

             
He grins at me and grabs at my hand, pulling it to his face so he can kiss my knuckles. "I was thinking," he kisses them again, "we should have a baby." One more kiss that lingers while I process what he just said. Did he really just ask me to have a baby? Wow, I didn't think he'd be the first to bring it up.

             
"Are you sure?"

             
He nods his head with a smile on his face. He looks a little nervous but extremely excited too. "Yeah, I'm positive. I know you've been through a lot this year with everything, but you're healed and the cancer is gone, and we're done with school. We don't have to right now, but we've been together for just over nine years. I think it'd be a wonderful idea."

             
"Don't you want to get married first?"

             
"Well, yeah. I was actually thinking about that, too."

             
I sit up and look down at Kirt. "You want to marry me and get me knocked up?"

             
"As long as you're barefoot in my kitchen." He winks at me. I know he is joking so I completely ignore his stupid remark. Instead I lean down and kiss him with a mission.

             
"I didn't think I could love you anymore than I already did."

             
"So is that a yes?"