In Ecstasy (4 page)

I kept sneaking looks at Lewis as we drove through the streets. He had the stereo up loud, some techno music that I didn't know, and his fingers were drumming the rhythm on the gearstick. I tried to loosen up and find the beat, but I was totally nervous. Sophie and Glenn were talking to each other. What did she think of to say? I desperately wanted to engage Lewis in conversation but there was nothing. Sweet FA. Yet Soph could meet someone and in seconds have them telling her their life story.

We drove into an industrial area, and finally Lewis pulled into a driveway that led to a massive warehouse. As we got near, the beat of the music spilled out and seemed to vibrate through the walls of the car. Lewis pulled up on the verge and I looked out the window at people darting through the darkness wearing green-and-yellow neon bracelets and necklaces. Little slivers of light moving through thin air.

Lewis turned to the two in the back. ‘Before we go in,' he said, putting his hand out to Glenn.

Glenn shuffled around and pulled a plastic self-seal bag out of his back pocket. He flicked it to Lewis. Inside it were at least twenty yellow pills.

Seeing the pills made me both nervous and relieved. The E would surely help me relax. I didn't want to blow my chance with Lewis. ‘Are they the same as last night?' I asked as he picked one out and handed it to me.

‘Yep,' he said, and threw two in his mouth, swigged from a bottle of Mount Franklin and handed the bottle to me.

I swallowed the pill and cold water flooded the area behind my rib cage.

‘Soph?' he asked, offering her the bag. She looked at me and almost frowned, then popped one while Glenn popped two. I smiled at her. We were okay. She smiled back. Lewis opened my door and helped me out of the car.

‘Ever been to one of these before?' he shouted in my ear as we approached the entrance. The music was thumping out the door.

I shook my head. Through the doorway I saw flashing lights and hundreds and hundreds of pulsating bodies. ‘Don't leave me,' I shouted back and he tightened his grip on my hand.

It was a galaxy of people and I loved them all. I absorbed the music through my skin. As I danced, the music flooded into every atom of my body until I was the music. I was an electronic machine. It was wild and fast and hot. Everything felt so good. I felt a little tipsy, but I was in complete control. I knew I could talk to anyone without looking like an idiot or sounding wasted. I knew I could dance all night long without looking like a sloppy drunk. The feeling of control was powerful.

I touched Lewis. His eyes were shut, his hair was wet, and the beat was surging through his body. He opened his eyes and smiled at me. Then he put his arms around me and pulled me close. The next minute we were kissing so intensely I felt his tongue against every tooth. I wanted to kiss him harder, get inside of him. His hands were under my top and my skin was literally vibrating.

Then he grabbed hold of my hand and led me through the pulsating bodies. I looked for Sophie but I couldn't see her. I would've gone anywhere with Lewis. I bumped into people and trod on toes as I followed him out of the building, but everybody whose eyes I met sent me their good vibes. No one was aggressive. Everyone smiled and touched me. And every time I was touched it was like another connection. A new bond. I was touched by them all. They were all beautiful and I loved them.

Outside I realised how hot I was. The air was cool and my cheeks were on fire.

‘I'm hot,' I said, squeezing his hand to stop him.

He looked back at me. ‘Christ, Mia, you're bright red. I can't believe I forgot the water.'

We walked to his car and I leaned against the door as he pulled out a small esky. It was filled with half a dozen bottles of water. I looked at them longingly as he unscrewed one and handed it to me. It was the most pure thing I've ever tasted. Clear and clean and utterly refreshing. I sculled it down and was reaching for another when Lewis grabbed my hand.

‘Go easy, Mia. Drinking too much water can be as bad as dehydration.

‘What?' How could pure water be bad for you?

‘A girl died. She drank heaps of water, way too much, and it diluted her blood. Her brain was swollen.'

‘Yeah, yeah.' I gulped down more water. ‘Everyone's so paranoid.'

When I listened to Sophie talk about sex, the idea of actually doing it filled me with dread. I was terrified it would hurt. Or worse, that the whole thing would be embarrassing because I wouldn't know what to do. But I don't think I can put into words what it was like with Lewis. Even though it was in the back of his car, everything was perfect, especially the way he looked at me and touched me. I wanted him so much that I didn't feel any shame or embarrassment. I'd never felt so close to anyone before, so totally connected. I felt his heart hammering through my chest.

It felt like hours had passed when I opened my eyes again. Lewis was sitting back, eyes shut. In the half-light he looked so relaxed, so happy, and it filled me with pride. I was responsible for that. I'd just had sex with Lewis Scott! I'd finally done it, and with the biggest sex god ever. I couldn't wait to tell Sophie.

I looked out the window. There was no one around and I jumped out of the car to put my pants back on. I stood half behind the tree and the car door. As I turned my clothes the right way round something wet ran down the inside of my leg. Another time I might've freaked out. Yuck! They didn't talk about
that
in Sex Ed!

In the back seat Lewis was moving around, getting dressed. ‘Mia,' he said softly.

I looked at him through the gap between the front seats. He was so beautiful. ‘Yeah?'

‘Was that your first time?' he asked.

I nodded my head. ‘It's been a weekend of first times.'

We sat on the bonnet of his car looking at the stars and drinking water. Lewis thought Glenn and Soph would come to the car when they realised we'd left the building, so we lay against the windscreen, arms touching, and talked. There was so much to say. He told me about his parents, who own their own business. His parents always travel and are often away for months at a time. Lewis said I'd have to go to his place and swim in the pool—which is heated year round. I couldn't believe all the stuff we talked about. It was a fantasy come true. Invisible Mia and Dream God Lewis.

After a long while Soph and Glenn still hadn't turned up, and Lewis suggested we go down to the beach.

‘Shouldn't we go back inside and get them?' I asked, sliding off the bonnet.

‘There's thousands of people in there, Mia, we'll never find them.' He grabbed my hand and pulled me close. ‘Glenn'll look after her. Don't worry, Sophie's a big girl. Besides, I kind of like having you all to myself.'

I grinned. Things just kept getting better. He was right. Sophie
could
look after herself. As we drove away, Lewis reached over and held my hand. I relaxed back in the sheepskin seat, marvelling that this was really me.

When we got to the beach Lewis rummaged around under the passenger seat and pulled out a yellow ceramic bong with a marijuana leaf painted on the side. Most guys I know use a plastic bottle with a metal stem stuck in the side.

‘We should have a cone,' he said. ‘It'll stop the rolling and bring you back down. Help you sleep.'

I nodded my head. I didn't think I'd survive another sleepless night.

‘Had one before?' he said as he offered me the bong.

‘Nah. I've only smoked joints.' It was sort of true. I'd once had a puff, but it had burnt my throat and made me nauseous.

‘I'll help. When I light it you have to suck, really hard. Then when I say
now,
you inhale.'

‘Okay.' I put my mouth over the top of the bong. Lewis lit the weed and held his finger over the hole.

‘Ready, inhale now,' he said, taking his finger off the hole.

I choked so hard my throat caught fire. I coughed and spluttered and tears ran down my face. I couldn't breathe. Every time I thought I'd caught my breath I'd splutter and choke some more.

Lewis laughed and said it happened to everyone, even him sometimes. He opened another bottle of water and handed it to me. I watched him have a cone, quickly and painlessly. Then he opened the car door and emptied the bong, rinsed it out with bottled water and stuck it back under the seat.

‘Stops it stinking out the car,' he said. ‘You don't want to spill old bong water. You never get rid of the smell.'

I smiled. Lewis knew so much about everything. He came around and opened my door. Despite all the coughing and choking, I was really stoned. My eyes were heavy. My body was heavy. I held his hand and we trudged down to the beach. It was dark and things scurried through the bushes in the dunes. Any other time I would have been frightened of snakes, or perverts, but not tonight. Not with Lewis Scott. He made me feel completely safe. With Lewis I knew nothing bad could ever happen to me.

We lay down on the sand. Lewis had brought a blanket from the car. He thought of everything. He put his arm underneath my neck and pulled me close. I still couldn't believe it. The grin that had been stretched across my face was making my muscles ache. I don't know how long I lay there listening to his heart beat and the steady crashing of the waves, thinking how everything was perfect.

Lewis's breathing was getting slower and I felt myself nodding off. Suddenly he said, ‘I've got the munchies. Shall we stop at Macca's?'

I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay on the beach with him forever. But my mouth was dry and I was hungry, so I nodded my head and slowly sat up. ‘Yeah, I'd kill for a chocolate thickshake.'

At the drive-through Lewis ordered enough food for about twenty people. I was scabbing up the loose change in my purse when he said, ‘Hey, I'll get it. I pay when I take a girl out.'

Inwardly I was ecstatic; we were really going out then!

When he dropped me home I leaned across and kissed him. It was a long, deep pash and I surprised myself with how self-assured I felt. ‘See you later,' I said, hoping it didn't sound like a question.

‘Definitely,' he said, putting the car into reverse. ‘I'll call you.'

I stood on the doorstep and watched him drive off. I saw his hand wave at me through the open window as he turned the corner, out of sight.

When I woke in the morning I lay back and shut my eyes again, running through everything we'd done. I'd had sex. With Lewis Scott! I felt so different. Now I knew what Sophie was talking about. It had been perfect. A decision that I would never regret. I hugged myself, wishing it was his arms around me.

My body ached and my face was sore—I guess from smiling so much. I don't remember ever laughing more. A new world had opened up for me, a place where I was confident and beautiful and a hot guy like Lewis wanted to be with me. That morning I figured life couldn't get any better.

I went out with Dominic for three months, four days and six hours. There was not one single thing I didn't like about him. Talk about nice, kind and totally gorgeous. Talk about funny, smart, compassionate and sensitive, and you'd be talking about him. Dom would do anything for you, even go clothes shopping. But he wasn't a wimp. He had a load of mates, he surfed and was a footballer too. The ultimate, most perfect boyfriend.

The only downside was that I was in a constant state of tension about him. We'd go so far, and then I'd have to remind myself that I did not want to go all the way. I'd made the decision that I really wanted to wait until I'd finished high school. That was the person I saw myself as—someone able to hold it all together and keep control. So there was my brain fiercely guarding my virginity, while my body kept screaming at me
it
was ready. Dominic was the one. I knew that if I was going to do anything, it would be with him.

So one day I let his skin touch my skin. It felt so good. But then I panicked. We were going too far, we had to stop, and I shoved him away from me.

‘Soph, what is it?' He grabbed hold of my shoulders. I think he thought I'd gone mad. I was crying and shaking and pushing him away. I couldn't look at him.

He tried to turn my face up towards him. ‘I didn't mean to upset you. God, Soph, I'm so sorry. I thought you wanted to.'

And suddenly, I completely freaked. Something tripped in my head and I totally lost it. It was like Dominic was Thomas Westcroft and I said and did all the things I wished I'd done the year before.

‘Leave me alone,' I screamed at him. ‘Don't you dare touch me. Let me go.'

And I ran, shoes in hand, out of his house, past his startled mother and into the street.
All over, red rover.

He rang me. He came over and tried to talk to me. But I felt utterly humiliated by my performance. How could I possibly explain? I couldn't. It seemed like everything had got so tangled up because I'd created this stupid fictional life that I was now trapped in. I could almost see the humour in it. I desperately wanted to tell Mia everything, but I couldn't because my friendship with her was now based on the same fiction, and it was nobody's fault but mine. I had no idea what to do. I felt so stupid.

It was about two o'clock in the afternoon before I got out of bed. I guess all that missed sleep finally caught up with me. I heard Mum come into my room a couple of times to get me up, but I pretended I was still sleeping, and drifted off again. When I finally did get up I sat yawning on the edge of the bed, watching Mum through the window, weeding. The sight of her working made me want to curl up under the doona and shut my eyes again. But I had to get up. I had an English assignment due the next day.

I stood in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't look noticeably different. No one would know, unless I told them, that I wasn't a virgin any more.

I sat at my desk and tried to write about internal conflict in
Hamlet
but I couldn't concentrate. What I really wanted was to talk to Soph, but her mobile was off and her landline kept ringing out. I went out the back and waved at Mum.

‘Hi,' she said, the brim of her hat hiding her face. ‘When did you get in?'

‘Early. I left Soph's about six.'

Mum didn't have a clue when I'd got home. With Jordie at Dad's, she'd stayed at Damon's. I heard her car pull up about nine. I like Damon. He's not bad for an old guy. He's got a kid too, called India, who's a bit younger than Jordie, and whenever Damon has her, she and Jordie get on really well. They make a nice little family unit, the four of them.

I drifted around, not really knowing what I was doing. I tried to get my homework done but I couldn't stop thinking about the weekend and how much my life had turned around in forty-eight hours. I moved from room to room, touching photos and ornaments, aware of how normal everything felt. At last I got through to Sophie.

‘What've you been doing? Why haven't you answered your phone?'

‘Been busy,' she said, so softly I could hardly hear her, ‘on the net.'

‘How'd you get home?'

‘Train.' She sounded really weird and kind of flat.

‘Are you all right? Was Glenn with you?' I hoped he hadn't left her on her own. Maybe she was pissed off at me for leaving her.

‘Yeah.' She went silent for a while.

‘Where did you go?' Something was up. It sounded like she didn't want to talk. I was busting to tell her my news but I couldn't because something wasn't right.

‘Glenn's place.'

‘Just the two of you?'

‘Some of his mates were there too.'

‘Oh,' I laughed, ‘bit of a party, hey?' I wanted her to get happy. I wanted to tell her about Lewis.

‘Something like that,' she said, but she sounded like she was about to cry. ‘Mia, I don't want to get split up from you ever again when we go out.' She was verging on hysterics.

‘Sophie, what is it? Did something happen?'

‘No, no, I'm fine,' she said, but I knew she was lying.

‘Bullshit,' I said. ‘What happened?'

‘Nothing, honest,' her voice was almost normal again. ‘Anyway, how'd it go with Lewis?'

‘Yeah, good,' I said. I didn't want to tell her now. I needed her to be in the right mood and focused on the job of analysing the whole situation for me. ‘I'll tell you about it later.'

‘Oh, right!' She sounded like she knew. ‘I'll catch you tomorrow.'

The rest of the day dragged. By five I was feeling flat. I had no energy to do anything. I couldn't concentrate, and when I lay down I couldn't sleep. Mum was still working in the garden, proving she could do everything, including mow the lawn. Jordie wasn't home yet and I had nothing to do except my English assignment. I ended up putting together a really pathetic effort, but hopefully there'd be time before class to fix it up.

Dad dropped Jordie off but didn't come in to see me. I watched his car pull out the driveway. Was he sulking because I'd rejected him for a better option? Tough. He could be a real pain like that.

I sat at my desk writing Lewis's initials over and over, linking them with my own. Mum opened my door and I quickly covered up the paper.

‘Dinner's ready,' she said. ‘It's tacos.'

Tacos are Jordie's favourite. Mum always makes our favourite food after we've been at Dad's.

‘Thought you did homework all night?' she said, looking at my files.

‘Yeah,' I said, ‘but we slacked off a bit early and didn't really finish.'

‘Mia,' Mum looked annoyed, ‘if you're not getting your homework done, you can forget about staying out till all hours of the night.'

‘Yeah, yeah,' I said.