In Ecstasy (5 page)

The note in my locker from Dominic inviting me and Mia to his birthday was typical Dom. He was always nice to Mia, including her in things we did; he treated her like a little sister. I reckon she was that tiny bit in love with him.

‘Don't you want to go?' she asked me in maths.

It had been a couple of months since I'd split with Dom and I'd withdrawn from the social scene again. I hadn't gone out with any other guys. I couldn't—they weren't Dominic. And I couldn't face him. I know he felt terrible about our break-up and thought it was all his fault. It was like karma was biting me on the arse for all my stupidity. And unless I told him the truth, there was nothing I could say to convince him otherwise, so I did my best to avoid him. Our school is so big it wasn't hard to take a different route if I saw him from a distance. And even though I really wanted to go to his party I'd heard he was going out with Karen Baxter, and it would kill me to see him with her. I'd already decided the pain wouldn't be worth it.

‘Come on,' Mia said encouragingly.

Mia was desperate for a boyfriend. All she wanted was to meet someone. So despite myself I said, ‘Okay, let's do it.'

I managed to get quite enthusiastic about Mia's debut, though I didn't know how I was going to handle being in the same room as Dom again. Of course, I saw him the minute we entered the party. I sculled my vodka, and with a reminder to myself not to get too plastered, I walked straight up to him.
Face the fear head on.
Immediately, I felt it emanating from him in waves: he still wanted me. I think I might have made up with him there and then, forced myself to be truthful. But Karen was standing next to him, like she owned him. I'm not the aggro sort, and Karen is a really nice girl, but I swear I could've smashed her in the face. She was so proprietorial, putting her hand on his arm.

He's
mine,
I wanted to scream, but I couldn't because Sophie ‘Einstein' Spencer had given him up.

Mum had always told me I could be good at whatever I really applied myself to, and she was right. I had become great at being someone else. I could deceive everyone around me, even those who loved me and knew me. I was a top notch actress. I could hide any emotion, assume any feeling or personality trait. You want happy? Watch my eyes light up. You want sympathy? No one can beat my listening and empathising skills. So if Karen Baxter was so insecure she had to assert her place, fine. I headed off with Mia to have some fun and prove to the world that I didn't need Dominic Cimino.

Sometimes things don't work out the way you want, though. Every now and then I'd steal a glance at Dom and catch him looking my way. You'd think that would've made me happy, but it didn't. It made me feel worse.

And then there was Mia. I had the best times with her, but when things didn't go her way she could be a real sulker. Mia in her comfort zone was outgoing and funny, but when she was under pressure she shut right down. Or she got defensive and demanding.

We'd been watching the crowd, trying to pretend we were having a good time, but the music was awful, the drinks were warm and everyone else seemed to be having a better time. She wasn't getting into the scene, and I was too preoccupied with Dominic to be any help. So, despite my vow to make this night about Mia, I didn't. A girl she knew turned up, and I took the opportunity to escape for a second. I loved her, but she could be hard work.

I slipped out the back and ran straight into Dom.

‘Whatchya doing?' he asked.

There seemed so many possible answers to that question, but all I said was, ‘Getting some air.'

‘I know what you mean.' He took a step closer, slurring slightly. ‘Soph?'

‘Dom?'

He grabbed my hand and pulled me close. My heart was hammering against my ribcage. ‘I've got a girlfriend,' he said.

Even though he wasn't telling me anything I didn't know, it felt like a smack in the face. But I just smiled at him.

‘I really want to kiss you,' he said, ‘but that's not fair on, um...'

‘Karen?' I offered.

‘Yeah Karen.' He looked around. ‘Karen. Yeah, she's real nice, you know.'

I didn't want to hear it. I knew she was nice. And beautiful too. I pulled my hand away and said, as meanly as I could, ‘Then you'd better find her. If she's so nice she doesn't need to be cheated on,' and I turned and left him standing there.

I stumbled across Lewis Scott in a quiet part of the garden, hanging out with a few of his mates. Lewis was what we called top-shelf. He had it all: looks, personality and money. He was also Mia's dream guy.

‘Hey, Lewis, what are you doing out here?' I asked, jumping into social butterfly mode.

‘I've got something,' he waved me over and opened his hand. ‘Want one?'

‘What are they? Eckies?'

‘Yep.'

‘How many can you spare?' I asked.

I woke for school feeling really flat. After being so high all weekend I'd suddenly crashed. I shut my eyes and tried to think about Lewis and how good my life was. But a dark cloud had settled over my head. I wondered if I was getting my period—and then the thought of that made me realise exactly what I'd done. I'd had unprotected sex!

The realisation took my breath away. I put my head in my hands, trying to control the rising sense of panic. How could I have been so dumb? When we were in the back of his car it had occurred to me, but I didn't know what to say. I was too embarrassed to ask if he had a condom. I thought he might've brought one out. And when he didn't, I didn't want to spoil the moment. After that, I didn't give it any more thought.
Oh shit!

I freaked out. I paced madly around the room, my heart hammering. Surely he would have had condoms. I should have
said
something. Oh God, how could I have been so stupid?

I didn't want to go to school. I was sure I must be pregnant.

In the shower I watched the water run over my flat stomach. Please, please, please, don't let me be pregnant. I knew from Sex Ed that you only had to do it once. What had I done?

I slipped into the kitchen. I didn't want to talk. I was afraid I would cry.

‘Morning,' Mum said, getting herself a coffee.

I kept my head down. I poured a juice and unthinkingly left the fridge door open.

‘Hello, Mia. Hello, mother,' she said loudly and sarcastically. She always had to jump on me the minute she didn't like something I did. I sighed loudly and stared at her. Why did she have to start the day like this?

‘Hello, mother.'

‘I don't like your tone,' she snapped. ‘And is it so hard to put things away and shut the bloody fridge door?' She picked up the juice and slammed the fridge door shut. She was brewing up a fight.

‘Whatever,' I said, taking a piece of toast out the front door with me.

I didn't see Sophie when I first got to school, and she's not in my homeroom. I didn't want to talk to anyone else and I felt like crying. What if I was pregnant? It was all I could think about. Pregnant, dropping out of school, on the dole, miserable and lonely. I'd ruined everything.

Finally, at recess, I found Soph, sitting alone on our bench behind maths. She looked as depressed as I felt.

‘What's up?' I asked.

‘Nothing,' she said, not meeting my eyes. And I could tell there was something seriously wrong.

‘Sure, Soph.' I was drawing in the sand with a stick. ‘What's the matter with you?'

‘Tired, I guess. It was a big weekend.' Her voice was so odd.

‘What happened at Glenn's?'

‘Nothing,' she said abruptly and looked down.

We were silent. I didn't have the energy to force it out of her if she didn't want to talk.

‘What about you?' she asked, looking down at my drawing—it was a butterfly.

The words hurtled out: I'd had sex with the most popular guy in school and I might be pregnant. I waited for her to speak.

‘You need the morning-after pill,' she said matter-offactly. ‘It's a bit late. You need to take it as soon as you can. But if it's within seventy-two hours it should be okay.'

‘Mum can't know,' I said.

‘She doesn't have to. We can get it at the chemist.' She looked at her watch. ‘Let's wag maths and do it now.'

I looked at her gratefully. ‘Thanks, Soph.' If I could make sure I wasn't pregnant I'd never make the same mistake again.

‘Don't stress,' she said, and smiled like she'd seen it all before. ‘You won't be pregnant.'

And isn't it funny, because when she said it, I believed her.

I felt so stupid explaining to the chemist I'd had unprotected sex, but he didn't give me a hard time. He asked if I'd taken the morning-after pill before and warned me it could make me feel a bit ill. If I vomited it up I'd have to do it again. He asked if I wanted to take it now. I nodded. It meant I had to take another one exactly twelve hours later, which would make it one o'clock in the morning. I looked around nervously, hoping no one I knew, or who knew my mum, would see me. He gave me a glass of water and I swallowed the pill there, in the middle of the pharmacy, right behind the Lancôme counter.

We sat in the park afterwards. I felt even worse than when I'd woken up.

‘I feel so...' I struggled to explain myself, ‘depressed, I guess.'

‘Yeah,' she nodded. ‘Maybe it's the comedown. You know, after feeling so high, I guess you crash a bit later.'

‘Maybe.' But I was thinking about Lewis. I couldn't focus on anything but him. Now I was scared that he'd think I'd been too easy. He hadn't called me on Sunday. I thought part of my mood was probably to do with that. I'd considered texting him, but I didn't want him to think I was desperate. He had to call me first. I hadn't seen him at school either, and his car wasn't in the parking area. And now I'd taken this massive dose of hormones, in the hope I wouldn't have to have an abortion later.

I was starting to feel a bit stupid.

Ecstasy is the word. And before Dom's party that was all it was to us. Just a word. It was something we knew other kids did. Something Mia and I had said we'd probably try. The way people spoke about it made it sound so amazing—magical even. And it was partly curiosity that made me take that first step. Mia was sulking, Dom was with Karen, I felt terrible and Lewis had the means. I was in a kind of what-have-I-got-to-lose mood. And the answer was: absolutely nothing. But, as it turned out, I couldn't have been more wrong.

Anyway, that night it was fantastic. It was like I'd woken up. All of a sudden I had so much energy. I wanted to talk and I wanted to dance. I wanted to find out everything there was to know about everyone. I was filled with the greatest sense of peace and unity. I watched Mia relax back into herself and I felt carried away with the wildest sensations. And I found Dominic again.

By this stage he was drunk. Totally wasted. Karen was asleep and he was sitting on his own, a bottle of bourbon in his hands. I sat down next to him. I felt like I was buzzing and I put my hand on his leg. I loved the feel of him. I wanted him back and that was what I wanted to say.

He tried to sit up. ‘I love you, Sophie,' he said, before he slumped against me. ‘I really, really love you.'

‘Dom, it's okay,' I began, but he was sitting up now and had hold of my hands. He was trying as hard as he could to act sober. Because he's so serious about his football I'd never seen him like this before. He was wrecked.

‘You need to know how sorry I am,' he squeezed my hands hard. ‘I'm so sorry for what I did to you.'

‘Dom, you didn't do anything.' Kind and beautiful Dom. I loved him more then than ever. ‘You don't have to be sorry. It's okay.'

‘It's
not,
' he said loudly. ‘It's not. And I can't forgive myself.' He staggered to his feet. I jumped up and put an arm around him, he was so unsteady. ‘Beautiful Sophie,' he hugged me hard. And at that moment all I wanted was for him to hug me forever. ‘I never deserved you. I'm so sorry.'

And he walked off, slightly sideways, but with enough forward momentum to make it into the house. I watched him go, full of love for him. It seemed like everything would work out, like everything would be sweet.

Lewis dropped us home. Mia was in total heaven. I watched her float away every time he looked at her and I was really happy for her. I don't think she realised how beautiful she was. After the foul mood she'd been in, the ecstasy brought out the very best in her. It didn't surprise me one bit that Lewis wanted to see her again. She glowed, and she'd been so funny. This was the Mia I loved so much. So when I got home, the whole thing seemed like a really huge success. Our first ecstasy experience. I was filled with the most positive feelings that things would work out for me and Dom and that Mia would finally have the boyfriend she dreamed of.

I went to modelling that morning with a huge smile that nothing seemed able to erase. All day I thought about what I was going to do. I wanted to come clean with Dom. I was sure he, more than anyone else, would understand me.

Poor Dom. He would've woken up with a massive hangover—when I left he was passed out on the couch in the games room. He looked so peaceful. I'd checked no one was looking, and leaned over and kissed him. He didn't even stir, he was so out of it.

So I really didn't want to go to the dance party that night. By the time Mia texted me I was feeling pretty wrecked. I just wanted to stay home. But when she texted me back, so desperate, I had to give in. This was her big chance. So I agreed to go, and part of me was hopeful that the next weekend it would be Mia and Lewis, and me and Dominic.

I said it before: things don't always work out the way you want. When Lewis offered me ecstasy again I thought about them being made in someone's backyard lab. I imagined some big, fat, sweaty guy mashing chemicals together while a cigarette dangled from his lips. They could have anything in them. That thought alone really scared me. And that's another difference between me and Mia—I'm a lot more cautious. I weigh up the risks, I think ahead. Mia jumps in feet first, and freaks about the consequences later. But I didn't want to draw attention to myself, and Mia had already taken one. I swallowed it but I promised myself, even then, before any of the bad stuff happened, that I wouldn't take another for a really long time.

Something else I ignored was my initial impression of Glenn. At first I thought he was pretty sleazy and I chatted to him non-stop just to keep him at a distance. Once the E kicked in I didn't mind him so much. I convinced myself he was just different to us.

We lost Mia and Lewis pretty early in the night. The place was packed, and I clung onto Glenn, frightened of being left completely alone. The E was as good as the night before and Glenn and I danced for hours. He couldn't keep his hands off me but I didn't mind. With the drugs and the music I was back in peace, love and unity zone.

Then we went outside for air and water and saw Lewis's car had gone. I had a momentary feeling of panic about Mia, but then I figured she'd be okay. Lewis would be looking after her.

‘Shall we walk to the station?' Glenn suggested. I nodded and let him hold my hand as we walked along.

On the train we were the only two in the carriage and we talked all the way to his stop. He had an arm around me, but he knew we were platonic. I wasn't interested in him at all. In fact, all I talked about was Dominic and what an idiot I'd been to split up with him.

‘Hey, come to my place and I'll drive you home,' he said when the train stopped at his station. I considered it for a second. It was five more stops until the city, where I had to change trains, and then a short walk home. I'd be alone but the streets were well lit and there's train security. I shook my head.

‘Nah, I'll stay on the train. Thanks anyway. Great night.'

He stood with his hand holding the automatic door from shutting. The train was about to leave. ‘I can't let you ride on your own,' he said. ‘I'll stay with you and catch the train back again.'

I shook my head, genuinely surprised at his gesture. ‘No, Glenn, this is probably the last train. You might not get back.'

‘I'll walk then.' He took his hand away. The door started to slide closed.

I jumped up from the seat. I couldn't let him do that. ‘No.' I pressed the button to open the doors again. ‘I'll come.'