In The End (Butterfly #1) (11 page)

‘Where is he?’ I pounded his chest, refusing to succumb to the opposing force of Cross pulling me off Nicholi.

‘He is with my mother and Max, Sophia, Jacob is your son.’ I fell to the ground, my head spinning.

‘He is not my son, he is my sister’s.’ I could feel my eyes flickering then seal, the voices once loud and resonating around me, faded into silence.

‘Sophia, Jesus, please wake up, you’re freaking me out.’ Cross, leaning over me, gently shaking my shoulders brought me back to the present. I had been dreaming of JC, just starting to walk, us frolicking together in a field of sunflowers, his blond curls bouncing around in the breeze, smiling and shouting momma, he had called us both momma.

‘Where is Nicholi?’ I replied, my voice quivering with every letter.

‘I don’t know, he said he would be back soon and for us to wait for him. Sophia, god damn, I don’t know what to say?’ he replied, throwing a hand through his hair, the glint of the light dazzling off his platinum blond locks.

‘I need some air.’ I lunged for the door, my stomach churning, my heart shattered, my head in pieces, unable to process even the smallest amount of information, just knowing exactly where I was going, my body co-operating, ploughing forward. I could hear Cross calling my name, the voice dulled, carried on the wind, gusting in my ears as I ran. My legs, remembering the pressure they had been put through when I was a ballet dancer, honing in on that presence of mind to slog through no matter the pain, my joints shearing against the long underused muscles. The memory of carrying JC’s coffin indelible across my vision.

I fumbled with the key, swinging the door open, pushing forth to the graveside, throwing myself down and using my bare hands, lunging at the earth, detesting it for holding back the information I craved. The soil penetrated my nails, scoring them back until they were bleeding. Nothing would stop me, nothing could. I needed to know, I deserved to know.

‘Sophia, stop, you can’t do this.’ Cross was trying to drag me back fruitlessly from the grave.

‘Let go of me, it’s all a lie, none of it is true.’ I was rambling, scrabbling forwards to continue hauling the earth away, yielding under my incredible perseverance.

‘No, not like this, I will file a motion tomorrow for exhumation, Sophia, wait, stop, please.’ Cross’s voice, pained with as much emotion as I could feel, stopped me, and I looked up at his face.

‘Why, why did they do this? They told me he was dead, I carried his coffin in my arms, why?’ I was hysterical, Cross was floundering, barely able to control himself, he kissed me so hard I thought the ground would yield and take us both. Unable to breathe or move away, I threw myself back to him, giving him every bare raw emotion I was feeling, fuelling it into our embrace. He broke the kiss first, pulling us both to our feet, keeping his arms around me, holding me close.

‘We need to get out of here, come, now.’ I could hear sirens in the background and Cross quickened our pace slowly to a sprint out of the cemetery and through the adjacent park. I had no idea where we were going and did not care to ask; tonight’s event had taken such a turn I could not be trusted anymore to cope with information.

Cross reached into his pocket and pulled out the keys, opening the door to the brownstone quietly and efficiently, illuminating the hallway as we entered into the house.

‘This is my house; I mainly use it for business trips so I can’t offer much in the way of beverages, but here.’ He handed me a glass of water and I willingly accepted, gulping down the liquid with ease, my body craving hydration. After refilling both our glasses he led me upstairs to his bedroom and reaching into his closet, grabbed a shirt.

‘Here, that should fit, the bathroom is through there.’ Cross handed me the garment, and I robotically fled to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I absentmindedly touched my lips, feeling the intense, rawness of the kiss echoing through my flesh.

Reaching to start the shower, I removed the dirt-encrusted dress and placed it in a heap on the floor. I climbed into the shower, the heat startling me, my skin freezing in response then lapping it up, filling my core like no other could. The water was running black down my legs and I surveyed my hands, fingernails deeply encrusted with soil and dried blood. I shook my head, had I tried to dig up a grave with my bare hands? I washed my whole body, scrubbing until my skin felt red raw, and finished with my hair, closing the plughole off I sat down in the bathtub, the water level rising fast. I turned the tap off and flopped back, the water enveloped me like a cocoon of safety, my mind, unable to process anything else had shut off, willing sleep to take us both.

I must have closed my eyes, I do not remember, but feeling that familiar touch on my arm brought me back from the brink of nowhere.

‘Hi, I can leave if you want me to, I just needed to know you were okay, it was so quiet in here.’ Cross was sitting on the floor next to the bathtub, his hand still lazily touching my arm.

‘Can you pass me the towel, please?’ I cleared my voice, and he turned away as I climbed out of the bath and wrapped the towel around me.

‘I went to the store while you were in here and got some provisions, I have made some pancakes and coffee for when you’re ready and I will see you in the kitchen,’ he confirmed, heading out of the bathroom and down the stairs, the floorboards creaking under his large frame. I reached for the shirt he had given me, throwing it over my head and pulling my wet hair back with a tie from my bag, I proceeded downstairs.

‘What time is it?’ I could not see a clock in the room and had not worn the watch Nicholi gave me, leaving it back at the apartment for safekeeping, plus it had not gone with the dress, not that any of that mattered now.

‘It’s five-thirty, you need to eat something and then get some sleep,’ Cross ordered, and I did not have the strength or inclination to fight him, taking the proffered pancake and biting it. My body willing me for more, demanding refuelling, I drank half of the coffee as the exhaustion once again set in.

‘I have made the guest bed up for you,’ Cross confirmed, leading us back up the stairs and across the hall from the room I had frequented earlier. He pulled back the comforter for me to enter. I slipped inside, my whole being too weak to argue as Cross lifted and tucked it around my torso.

‘No, stay.’ I reached and grabbed for his hand as he was leaving, not wanting to be alone with my thoughts.

‘I really don’t think that’s a good idea,’ Cross countered, though not moving an inch. I reached and pulled the comforter back for him to enter and he slowly climbed onto the bed as I turned over to face away from him.

‘Thank you,’ was all I could muster as the exhaustion ripped through me and tore everything away, leaving me void of anything other than sleep.

I was nestled into Cross’s body, his arm draped across my front, his body responding to the proximity of mine. My small movements had awoken him and he turned onto his back, staring up at the ceiling in silence.

‘Sophia, what we did last night.’ I interjected before he could finish.

‘Lexi really loved you, she drove everyone crazy talking about you constantly.’ Cross’s eyes stayed fixed on the ceiling as he spoke.

‘From the moment we met, I felt so connected to you and I couldn’t understand why. I knew you were with my brother and it made no sense, but I get it now,’ he paused to turn onto his side and face me. ‘It’s because you’re her twin.’ He gently pushed the lock of hair that had fallen out of my bun behind my ear. My body tingling with his touch on my face, I turned onto my back. ‘I know you do not want to talk about what happened, but I just need you to know it meant everything to me and not because you’re her sister, because it was you.’

‘What do I say to him?’ I whispered my voice shaky and raw.

‘You say that you loved him every day and never stopped thinking of him. You will never leave him and hold him close always.’

Tears flowed from my eyes freely, my heart beating slowly at first then speeding, he was alive. Sensing my thought train, Cross pulled me into his arms, nestling his head to kiss mine.

‘I will go to the court house to file the exhumation order; do you want to come with me?’ Cross asked, stroking his hands down my back. This was feeling too comfortable, too real, my body was responding in ways that it should not. I got up and perched on the edge of the bed.

‘I need to leave, can you come to Colorado, there are some things at my grandmother’s house that you should have and I need some time, to process before I see J, Jacob.’ I was starting to stumble again, my resolve faltering. Being in Cross’s arms had felt so right yet my heart was howling for Nicholi, not only because he had saved Jacob, but also because I loved him, I truly did and if there could ever be a chance for us I needed to know.

‘Yes, of course, I will meet you there tomorrow once I have cleared everything here.’ The last part made me nervous, the way he said it, there was more than just filing paperwork involved. Not that I hadn’t thought about it a million times, they would pay for what they had done, if it was the last thing I did.

‘Cross, please don’t do anything, not yet, we need to think things through, okay, I can’t lose you, do you understand?’ I was panicking now and gripped his arm as tightly as I could,

‘You won’t ever lose me, I promise.’ He brushed his lips across my forehead and I froze watching him exit the bedroom.

I rooted through his closet, looking for anything that could barely resemble clothing for me, and found another shirt and some jeans that were clearly too small for him. No doubt, left from one of his conquests, but it did not matter; I just needed to cover myself so I could leave. Scribbling a note on a loose piece of paper, I ran to Nicholi’s apartment, handing the note to the doorman and hailed a taxi to the airport. I was going to the only true place I had called home, and I had not been there in five years, everything was different now and the tears started flowing as soon as I sat down. Pulling the baseball cap low over my eyes and the volume of my iPod up, blaring Alanis Morissette’s song,
You Learn
, I focused on them, Jacob and Nicholi.

‘One ticket for the next flight to Colorado please,’ I asked, almost with a whisper, my throat raw from crying.

‘Have a good flight,’ the voice announced, handing me my ticket and greeting the next customer in line. I was exhausted, slumping into the nearest seat; I had an hour to wait for my flight and searched in my handbag for some mints. Anything to try to ease the aching in my throat, but whom was I kidding. The aching was my heart being torn to shreds once again as I left Nicholi’s apartment building that morning and my whole body was howling to be with him, refusing to accept anything less than immediate return. I saw the light blinking on the phone. Swiping the screen, I had twenty missed calls and ten text messages. I took a deep breath and opened the first message.

Please call me Sophia, I love you so much, just call me or pick up the phone, I’m desperate to hear your voice and know you’re okay, please I’m begging you
. I did not blame him for what happened, he was not his family, he was still my Nicholi, but I just needed time.

I immediately shut the phone off and replaced it at the bottom of my bag under the mountain of crap I had yet to clean out. Leaving this morning had been so difficult, but I needed some space to process everything that was happening. His face when he had told me my son was alive, beaming with unadulterated joy; but he was not mine, he was my sister’s child. Did he love me for me, or the fact that he thought I was Jacob’s birth mother?

I could not breathe, my heart refusing to honour its agreement when I clearly was not. I shifted in my seat and tried to focus on something else, anything else, surveying the people coming and going for their flights, loved one's greeting them, arms open wide, vacations starting, children’s laughter, echoing all around. I thought of Jacob and Max waking up and me not being there. I had left them a note along with the one to Nicholi, saying I would be back on Monday. My mind was rushing through the future, trying to figure out how I could go from being Jacob’s nanny to his aunt without causing him damage. Nicholi was not his real father, and he was all Jacob had known.

I felt a rush of guilt flowing over me, suffocatingly so; I stood up and just walked no destination in mind. The desire to keep going forwards, back to them was always the strongest feeling I felt, and this was one step closer, like a tug boat pulling out its craft on its maiden voyage, going back to them was always the most natural thing to do despite the pain it caused upon arrival.

Noting the time, I headed over to my gate and presenting my ticket to the steward, boarded the plane. I had a window seat, not something that I particularly wanted. The feeling of being trapped with a fellow stranger blocking your way was not something I relished, but to my relief the doors were closing and no one had occupied the seat next to me.

The flight was smooth and quick without issue; having no bags to collect I immediately walked across to the car hire facility and after securing my vehicle, a gunmetal coloured Subaru, proceeded to locate said vehicle in the field of cars, all waiting in anticipation for the journey they would be taking. I threw my bag onto the passenger seat and started the engine, no satellite navigation required; I knew the route to my destination blindfolded.

The journey took around two hours, heading away from the airport and out into the country, the terrain changing considerably to lush green pastures and fields of corn. I pulled onto the drive that would lead me to the property and sighed, my body weary yet thankful it was where it should be, home.

The Thomas Ranch was spread across thirty-six acres of land with two residences, twelve acres of pasture, stables and unobstructed 360-degree views of the surrounding hills. It was breathtakingly beautiful and the place above any other where I felt content and at ease. I pulled up to the main house and climbed out the door, my legs pulling me closer as though under a gravitational force, leading me forwards, I knocked on the door.

A bird flew across and landed by my feet, its feathers as black as coal with a sapphire blue streak running through them. My heart stalled, I missed him so much, the phone still switched off, I longed for his arms around me, the heat radiating my bones, like a bath filled with sunlight.

‘Caitlan, oh my goodness, is that really you?’ The door opened inwards, the smell of homemade bread and smoked bacon penetrating my nostrils.

‘Hi, Grandma, I missed you,’ I gushed, reaching to greet her arms, nestling my head on her shoulder, so weary yet relieved at the same time.

‘My angel, I have missed you too; it has been so long since you came home. Are you okay, sweetie?’ Her eyes were scanning me and I knew I looked terrible. I had the clothes on that I had rummaged through Cross’s closet to obtain, my hair thrown back into a soft bun, perched at the nape of my neck, my face ghostly white without any colour.

‘I’m okay, Grandma, just tired.’ That was not entirely true, but I was certainly tired, not having slept more than two hours last night.

‘Come in, sweetie, I will get you some coffee and cake and call your grandpa, he is up at the hayloft,’ she sighed. ‘I’m so glad to see you, angel, you have no idea,’ she gushed, tears starting to form in her eyes and I felt awful for causing the hurt I knew I had, but felt like it was for the best. I did not want anyone else to be brought down with the weight that I could not carry.

‘Tell me everything, what have you been doing with your life? Mind don’t miss anything out,’ she grinned, her eyes suddenly dancing in the sunlight radiating throughout her and providing a beacon illuminating a neon sign, welcome home.

As I sipped my coffee and forced some cake down, my stomach howled with emptiness. It would have been delicious, but right now, anything other than being with Nicholi felt like nails clawing on a chalkboard and I once again looked at my bag, my whole body willing me to pick up the phone. Instead, I focused on my grandmother and explained everything that had happened up until the last night at the lake house.

‘He sounds just perfect, sweetie, I am so happy you have found happiness, god knows you deserve it all and more,’ she asserted, reaching to squeeze my hand, a mirror image of her own.

‘There is something else I need to tell you and that is mainly the reason I came.’ I paused, gathering my thoughts.

‘Grandma, JC is alive.’

‘Oh my dear, I don’t know what to say.’ Her once radiating light had dimmed to just flashes now. I could tell she thought I was having a psychotic breakdown, so I continued, explaining everything I had learned about that night. How I had found Lucas, what Cross had said was his name and everything else in between. The colour had drained completely from her face and she looked like she could pass out at any minute.

‘I need to call your father, sweetie.’ Her eyes were reflecting mine, identical in every way.

‘I don’t know what to do, Grandma, please help me.’ The tears started to flow, etching the worn path down my face as they had in copious amounts for the last five years.

‘Sweetheart, we will figure everything out together, I promise,’ she affirmed, taking a sip of her coffee and suddenly looking wearier than I had ever seen her. I hated that I had this effect on people; it is why I left in the first place. I was constantly dragging them down with me and I had longed to be part of a family that had not suffered such torturous pain, finding that with Nicholi, albeit for a brief time.

‘Princess.’ My grandfather had returned from the loft and seeing me at the table, he reached to pull me into his arms; despite everything, it was good to be home. My grandmother filled him in while I went to lie down upstairs, my mind no longer able to function without some semblance of sleep.

Due to my unannounced visit both my grandparents had to leave shortly after my arrival to travel to an event they had to participate in at a local town. I could tell how much it pained my grandmother to leave, but I thought it was for the best, time to process for all of us. They left me home alone with the promise that we would spend the day together tomorrow before I returned to Connecticut.

The house, a mix of stone and timber construction, was perched on the side of the property, a hill to its rear transcending upwards. The vast land sprawled across from the front, with views of wild flowers and trees all around. The scent of pine and blossom flowed sweetly throughout the house; taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes. I was sitting on the wooden deck, swinging as I had done since I was a child, the breeze picking up and gently cascading the curls that had developed in my hair outwards as I lay back, my hair almost dry from the invigorating shower I had taken. I saw the lights reflected back onto the nearby stream, but it was too dark to see anything more so I sat upright in anticipation. As my grandparents had not informed me they were expecting company, I was only wearing a blue shirt that barely covered my thighs.

Feeling very exposed, I pulled it down to stretch over my knees and kept as still as possible, maybe they would not see me and with all the lights in the house off, assume no one was home.

I could see in the shadows what looked like the figure of a man, but out of shape somehow, his silhouette branching out as though he was carrying something. He was heading towards the house; jumping up off the swing I ran back inside, hovering at the door out of sight. I heard his steps on the wooden deck and the audible peal of the doorbell. What was I going to do? Should I ignore it? Dressed as I was, it felt the most sensible thing to do, but my musing was cut short by the bell announcing once again I had company.

I took a deep breath and pulling my shirt down as much as possible, I switched the porch light on to illuminate my guest and gingerly opened the door. My heart stopped, and I started to sway, mirroring the pine tree, dancing in tune to the wind’s beat under Mother Nature’s command.

‘Hi,’ he began, sensing my reaction. ‘We couldn’t be away from you for any longer,’ he affirmed. I pulled myself back together enough to reply.

‘I had hoped it would be you.’ I opened the door to allow my guests to enter. Nicholi was wearing jeans and a white shirt, glowing under the starlit night, carrying a flat-out Jacob and Max in his arms. ‘You can put them down here,’ I confirmed, showing Nicholi up to the guest bedroom. Jacob stirred upon removal from his father’s arms and opened his eyes, surveying the room.

‘Soph, is that you?’ he asked, his voice groggy.

‘Yes, sweetheart, it’s me. We are at my grandparents’ home in Colorado. You can go back to sleep now,’ I whispered, pulling the patchwork comforter up around him and kissing his head. He smiled, closing his eyes and resuming his dreams, filled with sea life, no doubt, and I hoped joy. I looked at the comforter around him, knowing that I had made it and remembering being wrapped in it with him, nestled against his blond curls and my heart ached. I turned around and re-joined Nicholi in the hallway, leading us to my bedroom.

‘I am so sorry, Nicholi,’ I began; knowing how I left without explanation was wholly unfair, before he interrupted, reaching out for my hand that I willingly gave.

‘I just need to know one thing,’ he began his voice raw and filled with emotion. ‘Do you still want me?’ he whispered. Seeing the hurt I was causing seeping out from him, I lifted my head to meet his eyes and I threw myself into his arms, holding him as tightly as I could muster. We lay on the bed, our mouths meeting for the first time since he had arrived. My body now pulsing with desire, every fibre joining in at the touch of his hand on my skin, riding his shirt up to trace the contours of his shoulders. Hearing him groan with pleasure, my hands flowing down, dropping at his waist and brushing past his jeans buttons when he froze and pulled away.

‘I need to read you something.’ Nicholi sat up, his eyes burning and removed my letter from his pocket. ‘Dear Nicholi, I have to leave to my grandmother’s; I don’t want to explain in a letter, it’s just something I have to do. Tell the boys I will pick them up from school on Monday, sorry for any inconvenience. Love S,’ his tone angry and utterly justified. ‘You want to tell me what the hell that was about? You just up and left without any warning, why? Why did you do that? And leave such an impersonal note like you are cancelling a magazine subscription or something?’ He looked distraught, and I again had caused so much hurt, albeit unintentionally.

I looked him in the eyes, mirroring his anguish, frightened of the outcome of what I was about to tell him, but he deserved to know and taking a deep breath to steady myself, I began.

‘I need to tell you something,’ I proclaimed. ‘Last night, with Cross.’

‘It doesn’t matter, what happened, what you learnt, what we all learnt, it was too much for anyone to handle and I’m so sorry I left, I should have stayed with you.’ The anguish emanating from him mirrored mine.

‘Where did you go?’ I questioned, not sure if I wanted to know the real answer.

‘I went to file charges against my grandfather for murder. Do you remember when I took you to see him, the reaction on his face? That was him realising I had found you and could now seek retribution.’ Nicholi waited, anticipating my next move.

‘Is JC, I mean Jacob safe, did they know about him?’ The fear enveloping me, growing by the second.

‘No, when I came home with Jacob I had told the family he was from a one night stand and the college girl I had gotten pregnant was unable to cope.’ I leaned into his arms; I just wanted to be held, not wanting to think of anything any longer.