Indelible (5 page)

I was rubbing the side of my neck as I walked across campus, not paying attention to where I was going, so I was startled when I heard a voice say, “Hey.”

I looked up and smiled at James.

“Hey, yourself. I see you decided to go purple,” I said, gesturing to her hair.

“Yup,” she responded as she ran her hand through it.

“It looks cool.”

“Thanks.”

“So, what are you up to?” I asked her.

James shrugged and bit the ring in her lip. “Not much, just heading to class. What about you?”

“Practice,” I responded.

“Cool,” James said and started to walk away.

“Hey,” I said, causing her to turn. “I’m going out with your girl tomorrow night.”

“Sam?” she asked, one eyebrow raised.

“Yup.”

“Don’t be a dick,” she said simply as she turned and walked away, leaving me chuckling behind her.

I realized I was rubbing my neck again as I walked into the locker room, and took a turn toward the Athletic Trainer’s office.

I poked my head in the door and said, “Hey, Ron? I think I pulled something when Tuck and I were working out. You think you could check it out real quick?”

“Sure thing, Judd. Have a seat.”

Ron had been with the team for the past twenty years. He was almost more beloved than the mascot.

I sat down and bit back a moan as he rubbed the kink in my neck.

“Did you do anything different during your workout?” Ron asked as his strong hands worked their magic.

“Don’t think so,” I murmured.

After a few short minutes, Tuck popped in and said, “Hey, brother, we gotta get to the field.”

I never wanted to punch the golden boy as much as I do at this moment
, I thought with a grin.

“Alright,” I said. “Thanks, Ron.”

I stood up and moved my head from side to side, rotating my neck to see how it felt.

“Much better.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” Ron said with a slap on my back.

I joined Tuck in the locker room and we headed out to the ball field.

“Got any hot plans this weekend?” Tuck asked.

“I’m going out tomorrow night.”

“Is there a party or something I don’t know about?”

“I don’t think so,” I said with a shrug. “I’m grabbing dinner and a movie with a girl I met.”

Tuck stopped dead in his tracks.

“
You’re
goin’ on a date?” he asked.

“What of it?” I asked, feeling the need to deck him come over me again.

Tuck grinned and shook his head.

“I don’t think you’ve been on one actual date since I’ve known you, that’s what.”

“It’s no big deal,” I said, trying to brush off his words. But now that he’d said it, I had to admit that my college years hadn’t included a lot of dates.

Hook-ups, yes. Dates, not so much.

Huh.

“Who’s the girl?” Tuck asked, coming back up beside me.

“I met her the other night,” I said, hoping he didn’t remember who I was talking about.

“The one you couldn’t close with?”

No such luck.

“Dude, quit being an ass,” I said as I put on my first base glove. “Let’s warm up.”

“I hope you have better luck tomorrow night,” Tuck said with a shitty grin as he jogged to third.

I tried to just let his words roll off me. We always messed around with each other, the whole team did. I didn’t know why his words were having this effect on me now.

I felt twinges of anger and wanted to lash out, which made me wonder - was I more serious about Sam than the others? There was something about her… She tried to come across as no-nonsense chick, but then her vulnerability would show through, and I found I really liked the contradiction.

When a ball narrowly missed hitting me in the face, I realized that this was something I would have to think about later. I needed to get my head in the game before I ended up with a black eye or something worse.

We warmed up and then spent the rest of practice taking turns batting and fielding the ball. Our pitcher this year had a killer arm, and it looked like we were lined up to kill it this season.

After practice I went back to the locker room to grab a shower.

“Who’s up for a drink?” Tuck yelled from his steam-filled section of the shower.

A chorus of affirmatives was yelled throughout the shower, some even filtering in from the guys getting dressed out front.

A drink with the guys sounded great, so I added my agreement to the rest.

I rubbed the towel over myself quickly and got dressed. A group of us walked out to the lot, telling the others we’d meet them at the bar.

I hopped on my bike and headed out, reveling in the feel of the bike on the open road.

Baseball, a quick ride, and drinks with friends…who could ask for anything better?

I was walking through the grocery store with Karrie, trying to pick up some quick items for her and Thomas, when all hell broke loose.

I had most of the items I needed in the cart when we passed the aisle in the grocery store that had the small crappy toys.

When I realized we were passing it, I prayed that Karrie wouldn’t notice. I tried to push the cart a little faster, but it was no use.

“Mommy, want,” Karrie pleaded in her little voice when she noticed the stupid toys.

I mean, seriously, what kind of sadist puts toys in the grocery store? Probably the same genius who puts the candy by the check-out counter. Don’t they realize that I don’t have extra money to drop on a poorly made toy that will break before we even get it home?

I sped up even more, bypassing the dreaded aisle, turning instead by the diapers and formula. You know…the takers of
all
my money.

“Not today, Karebear. Mommy will get you some cheese puffs,” I said, trying to bribe her with food.

“NO!” Karrie yelled. It was her favorite word these days.

I could see by the way she was pinching her face together that she was about to share her displeasure with everyone in the store.

Then it started…

“I WAN A TOY!” Karrie screamed as loud as she could, banging her hands on the cart as if her screams didn’t attract enough attention.

“Karrie, please calm down,” I whispered, hoping to diffuse the situation before the clerks called Child Protective Services on me.

She wasn’t having it.

Karrie started screaming unintelligible words, and added kicking her feet to her tantrum.

I wheeled her toward the front, forgetting the other items I needed to get. My only goal was to check out and get the hell out of the store before I lost my patience.

As we waited in line to pay for our items, Karrie became aware of the people around us and started to scream louder. I wasn’t sure if it was because she wanted the added attention, or if she was crying because they were looking at her.

I felt the heated stares of the strangers around me. That, coupled with my angry daughter’s screams, was going to drive me out of my mind.

I grabbed Karrie and headed for the door, leaving the cart with our groceries in the middle of the line. In the back of my mind I knew it was rude to just leave the cart there, but my need to get out of there was much greater than any sense of propriety that had been instilled in me by my parents.

Getting buckled into the car seat didn’t improve Karrie’s mood.

Molly had let me borrow her car, and I was supposed to drop the car off along with the groceries once I was done.

Karrie screamed all the way to our house. It was that hoarse, tired scream that only toddlers could accomplish.

I looked in the rearview mirror and could see the fat tears rolling down her face. I didn’t know whether to tear my hair out or to cry myself.

The short drive home felt like hours, but when we finally arrived I took Karrie out of her seat and carried her into the house. She kicked and screamed the whole way up the path, and I found myself checking for the prying eyes of neighbors.

Once we were safely inside, I took her to her room and laid her on the bed. She stayed face down, her pudgy arms and legs flailing as her tantrum built.

I walked out of the room, shutting the door as I left and muting the sounds of her full-blown fit.

I walked into my bedroom and shut the door, leaning against it as I looked at my reflection in the mirror hanging on the wall.

Was that really what I looked like?

Eyes puffy, hair a mess, and clothes that had been in style ten years ago.

And what about my weight?

When the fuck had I gained so much weight?

I could see the fat roll hanging over the waistline of my jeans.

Had I really just gone out in public looking like this?

I walked toward my meager closet as ugly detrimental thoughts began filling my head.

I began to pull items out of my closet, vaguely aware that the sounds from the room next door were starting to get quieter.

None of this stuff fit me right anymore. What was I going to wear on my date tomorrow that wouldn’t showcase the extra pounds I’d carried since the birth of my daughter?

How was Judd ever going to find me remotely attractive?

I tore off my clothes and began trying on the items I’d strewn all over my bed, finding fault with everything I put on.

I was in the middle of pulling a too-tight dress over my head when my phone buzzed, indicating a text.

“WTF? You’re going out with Judd, seriously?”

The text was from James, but I was not in the mood.

“Karrie’s having a tantrum, and I’m too fat to date, so it probably won’t happen.”

I finally got the dress all the way off and stood in the middle of the room in my bra and underwear, looking at the mess I’d created.

“You’re a hot piece and Karrie will be fine. Go out and have fun!”

I grimaced at her text, not ready to be pulled out of my funk.

“I don’t have anything to wear. Leave me alone. Not in the mood now, talk to you later.”

I laid down in the middle of my bed on top of the clothes and realized that I still had Molly’s car.

“Shit,” I muttered, reaching for the phone I’d just thrown on the bed.

“Sorry, Moll, Karrie threw a fit in store. No groceries. Car’s at my house.”

Certain that Molly would understand and come get her car, I laid back in the clothes and covered myself up with some random pieces.

I let the tears flow and purge the stress of the day from me as I drifted off to sleep.