Indelible Love - Emily's Story (30 page)

“Emily.” This time Sarah used a
disapproving tone. “Why have you lost so much weight again? During
all our phone calls, it never dawned on me to ask you if you were
taking care of yourself. I should have known.”

I shrugged my shoulders and didn’t
answer her. She would see right through my attempt at a lie, so I
decided to change the subject and ask her what I could do to
help.

“First off, I want you to go to
alterations in the basement and get your dress fixed. There’s no
way your dress will fit now.” Sarah was shaking her head back and
forth, critical of my new figure. “Then, I want you to come with me
to the salon so we can get a facial. Since the wedding is a noon
ceremony, we need to get our faces prepped today. After the facial,
we’ll have the rehearsal and then we’ll have an early
dinner.”

“OK,” was all I could say. Charlie
walked me to alteration and got me up to speed on what’s been going
on in everyone’s life.

“Are you really going back tomorrow?”
Charlie wanted to know. “You’re not going to stick around and hang
out with your friends for a while?”

“Charlie. What would I do here if I
stayed a few more days? There’s no family to visit, no house to
stay in, and you and Sarah will be off in Hawaii. What would keep
me here?”

“What about Jake?” As soon as he said
this, my downcast look made him stop immediately. “All right,
Emily. I’ll see you tonight at dinner. Bye.”

While in Japan, I hadn’t noticed much
change to my body, but trying on this dress five months later, the
mirror displayed an unhealthy figure. As soon as the seamstress
finished with me, I headed for the salon and I confessed to Sarah
what had happened before coming to the hotel. She shook her
head.

“Emily, why? Why do you hurt yourself
like this?”

“I don’t know, Sarah. I got here and
that’s where my heart led me. That felt like home.” I finished this
conversation and started a new one that wouldn’t put me in the
spotlight.

Standing next to Sarah at the altar
during rehearsal reminded me of my emptiness even more. Being back
home was more painful than I’d imagined it to be. Of course, a
wedding worsened the pain. But, I did my best to focus and know my
role as the maid of honor for my best friend. Regardless of my
feelings, sadness had no place in this wedding. I would enjoy this
day with my dear friends.

Though Sarah and Charlie had only
invited immediate family to the rehearsal dinner, greeting all of
them and explaining my five-month absence exhausted me. I was
hoping to see Max and Peter, but Charlie told me that they were
working at the hospital tonight in order to have tomorrow free.
Catching up with my dear friends would have to wait until
tomorrow.

We all turned in early, as I had the
job of picking up the bride at 7:00 a.m. for her makeup and hair
appointment at the salon. With a noon wedding, every minute counted
and I didn’t want to be responsible for making the bride late on
her wedding day.

The morning schedule went off without
any glitches, and we arrived at the hotel an hour before the
ceremony. When I saw Sarah come out of the dressing room ready to
walk down the aisle, I went over and carefully hugged her. She
shined brighter than the sun.

“Sarah, you are the most beautiful
bride!” I declared.

“Thanks, Emily. Thank you for being
here. I know it’s hard for you right now.”

“Sarah, I love you, and I’m so very
happy for you. This is your glorious day. Let’s not talk about
anything else but you and Charlie.”

It did make me sad to be here. Seeing
Sarah reminded me that this could’ve been my dream as well. Not
wanting to demonstrate any hint of misery, I erased these thoughts
and helped Sarah begin her new life.

The minster had the bride and groom
say their vows and Charlie happily kissed the bride. We all cheered
for the happy couple, and I finally caught a glimpse of Max. As
always, he was warmly smiling at me. After pictures were done, we
walked into the reception hall and I helped Sarah greet her
guests.

After lunch and a long toast by the
best man, Sarah and Charlie went out to the dance floor as a
couple. They looked blissful together. As their song ended, Max
walked over to me, hugged me affectionately, and asked me to
dance.

“Hi, Max. It’s wonderful to see
you.”

“Em. It’s good to see you too. I’ve
missed you. How have you been?” He held my hand to the dance floor,
started asking me about my stay in Japan, and guilted me into
telling him the exact location of my whereabouts.

“I can’t believe you sent me letters
with no return addresses! What was that all about?” He sounded
flabbergasted.

I apologized.

“Why would you do this, Em? Didn’t you
think maybe we’d want to converse with you as well? I had so many
things I wanted to tell you. There was no way for any of us to know
how you were really doing. I’ve missed you.” Max’s worried eyes
made me regret not allowing a two-way communication with my
friends.

“I’ve missed you too. Before I leave,
I’ll write down my address, and you can write to me. Maybe you and
Peter can visit me as well.”

“How about an e-mail
address so we can have faster communication? Or maybe even a cell
phone number?” A mocking question, one after another, trailed.
“Perhaps we can even text—your
favorite
method of
communication?”

“I don’t have a computer there nor do
I have a cell phone. I could give you the Suzuki’s home number but
you’ll just be better off writing letters. There’s something to be
said about receiving a letter in the mail—the old-fashioned way.” I
put an emphasis on the last four words.

“Do you want me to get you a laptop
and/or a cell phone before you leave? How can you be so cut off
from life? And also, were you serious when you said that you were
staying another year?” Once again, there was disapproval in his
eyes.

“It’s peaceful to be a little
backward. Everyone concentrates on what’s only in front of them,
and we don’t worry about keeping up to date with everyone else.”
Little did Max understand I wanted to cut off every possible way of
communicating with Jake. “And yes, I think I will stay in Japan
another year. I like it there.” This wasn’t the whole truth, but it
wasn’t a complete lie either.

“Em, I need to tell you something,”
Max turned serious as we continued to dance. “I saw Jake yesterday
at the hospital for the first time since Grand Canyon.”

My body stopped dancing. My heart
stopped beating.

Max led us back to his
seat.

I didn’t say anything, though I had a
million questions I wanted answered. Waiting for Max to continue
his thought tested every shred of nonchalance I feigned on the
topic of Jake.

“I apologized to him for coming
between you two, and he asked me a lot of questions about you.
Since you gave me no way of responding to your letters, I told him
I knew no more than he did. He looked distraught.”

I wondered to myself why he would be
distraught. Why would he ask any questions about me? I couldn’t
give way to hope.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I told him
you would be here today. He really wanted to come see you. He said
that he had to talk to you. He’s going to stop by after work.” This
part of our conversation made me feel distraught.

My heart convulsed and my eyes flushed
at the thought of seeing Jake. Hope wanted to resurface, but I had
shut the door and thrown away the keys so long ago, it didn’t know
its way out anymore.

“Are you upset I told Jake you’re
here?” Max looked hesitant.

“No. It’s all right.” I put on a brave
guise. “He won’t care that I’m here. If he cared, he would’ve done
something about it before I left.”

“Em, I think he does care. I think
there was a big misunderstanding between you two. He
still…”

“Max. Please don’t. It took me five
very long months to accept that we are through. He doesn’t care for
me anymore.” I didn’t dare say the word love. “I erased those
thoughts a long time ago. Don’t say any more. Let’s be happy. We’re
at a wedding.” I forced a smile and walked over to help Sarah cut
the cake.

Stupidly, but automatically, my eyes
looked for Jake. They searched through every guest and scanned each
door over and over again, hoping what Max just revealed would come
true. The pessimist in me knew Jake wouldn’t come looking for me.
Not now, not after so many months had passed by. But the optimist
in me prayed he would come see me—just once more.

Sarah changed into her going-away
outfit, and the last of the dancers lined up to throw rice at the
happy bride and groom leaving for their honeymoon.

Before Sarah left, she whispered, “I’m
sorry you didn’t get a chance to see Jake today. I was hoping Max
was right about him.”

I forced another smile and wished her
a wonderful trip. The happy couple cheerfully left for Hawaii, but
my own exit would not be so cheerful now.

“You’re leaving already?” Max asked as
I walked over to say good-bye. “But Jake’s not here
yet.”

“My flight leaves at nine. I have to
go,” I answered sadly. Max had no idea the damage he had done by
reviving my hope. “Now that you have all my contact info, don’t be
a stranger. I hope you can visit me one day,” I said while hugging
him.

“Emily…” Max held onto my hand, “just
stay another hour. Have another drink with me, or better yet, eat
another meal. Don’t they feed you in Japan? Why are you so waif
thin?”

“I’m late!” Answering as sternly as
possible, I pulled my hand away and waved good-bye.

With longing renewed, I walked through
the hotel with my peripheral vision scanning every man fitting
Jake’s build. Till the very end, I didn’t give up hope that Jake
would want to come see me tonight. What a fool I was. Even walking
on to the airplane, I continued to listen for his tender voice to
call my name, like he did back in November when I was leaving for
New York. Ugh! Four months of heart mending in Japan obliterated in
a matter of a few hours of hope.

Chapter 16 He Loves Me?

I got back Sunday night, and struggled
to get my heart back into school the next day. With school letting
out in two weeks, we all enjoyed a lighter schedule. Tutoring
waned, and I felt free to make plans for the summer. Our principal
asked me to teach a summer English course as well as to create the
English curriculum for the next school year. With a three-week
vacation before summer courses began, I thought about all the
places I wanted to visit in Asia during that time. Perhaps Jane
could vacation with me? A phone call was in order.

Our school had a holiday
on Friday, so I decided to visit Kyoto, and cross off one of my
bucket list items and go have a formal
kaiseki
meal. Most people probably
wouldn’t partake in such a formal meal by themselves but I figured
if I didn’t go alone now, I may never be able to go. Taking the
Shinkansen, Kyoto was not far from my village. I left Thursday
after class and promised to free myself of home and all its
memories. Home was here now, nowhere else.

Friday morning consisted of a walking
tour and a visit to the Nishiki market. Dozens and dozens of shops
selling authentic Japanese goods and produce, bustled with
customers. I had a small lunch at a famous soba house then visited
Tenryu-ji Temple in Arashiyama. Originally built in the 1300's, the
temple’s stunning greenery and ponds graced a large part of the
property. Fully blossomed Sakura trees complemented the famously
landscaped garden.

After my walk through the
garden, I headed back to the hotel and got dressed for my
kaiseki
meal at Japan’s
most celebrated
kaiseki
restaurant. The distance between my hotel,
Tenryu-ji temple, and the restaurant measured a short triangle. Mr.
Suzuki had asked many of his friends and did a lot of research for
me before calling in a reservation. Even alone, it was exciting to
participate in an activity that had been on my mind for years. I
wanted to dress up and look nice for this elegant meal. I couldn’t
wait!

At first glance, the
restaurant was breathtaking. Japanese lanterns in various shapes
lined the pebble walkway leading up to what resembled a traditional
Japanese house more than a restaurant. When I arrived, it was light
enough for me to see the serene landscaping filled with plants and
bushes and random bamboo fixtures. The hostess led me to a small
room filled with only a tatami mat, a comfortable L-shaped cushion,
and a black lacquered dinner table. I waited for the kimono-clad
server to start my meal on the beautifully lacquered table. The
sounds of the waterfall hummed in tune with chirping birds, and I
sat with my back against the door, looking peacefully at the pond.
With footsteps coming my way, I eagerly awaited my first course,
the
sakizuke
or
amouse bouche
.

My ear listened carefully to what I
thought was a familiar voice speaking English. Since there were so
many tourists in Arayishima, I assumed it was one of the many
coming to eat at the restaurant.