Indelible Love - Emily's Story (25 page)

Heaven came crashing down. Tears
automatically poured from my eyes. Jake had told his sister we were
no longer together. Why hadn’t it occurred to me that we had broken
up? Simple as that—we were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend. In
my optimistic mind, we were still together, just working out a kink
in the relationship. The tears continued in response to this
truth—Jake no longer wanted me. That was why there had been no
response to my texts. I felt stupid for realizing this so late. I
sat quiet for a while.

“Emily, I just e-mailed your plane
ticket. You’re coming to see me this holiday weekend.”

“Huh?”

“Remember you promised to come spend
the weekend with me? You promised!”

Was it that time already?

“Jane, I don’t think it’s a good idea.
Your brother will be there…”

“No, he won’t,” she cut me
off. “I know for a fact that he’s working this weekend and I won’t
tell him that you’re coming. Will you
please
come?”

I did want to spend some time with
Jane, as she was my last link to Jake. It was wrong of me to do
this, but if Jake wouldn’t listen to me, I wanted to at least tell
Jane everything that was in my heart.

“Are you still there,
Emily?”

“Yeah, I’m here. Jane, I’ll go if you
promise not to tell your brother that I’ll be there, not that he’ll
care. As soon as I get home, I’ll buy a ticket.”

“Don’t be silly. This is the ticket my
dad purchased for you back when you first said you’d visit. It’s
yours. Only caveat, it’s a red-eye early Friday
morning.”

“All right, I’ll see you in a couple
of days. Bye.”

Excited to see Jane and to get some of
this grief off my chest, my mind raced throughout the night
wondering what to say first. I know I promised to be strong, and I
had been. I hadn’t cried…much; nor wallowed in my sorrows…much; nor
looked for texts that never came…much. But, I needed to vent. I’d
ignored my hurt and frustration too long. Jane would be my shoulder
to cry on this weekend and afterward I would start the healing
process. If Jake had closed me out of his life, I needed closure as
well.

Authoring one last text to Jake, I
promised myself not to bother him anymore. Obviously he was either
irritated by me, ignoring me, or wasn’t receiving my texts because
he changed his number to get away from the stalker who was me. It
was probably all of the above.

Hi, Jake. I spoke with
Jane a few days ago and she told me you said we were no longer
seeing each other. I don’t know why it never occurred to me you
didn’t want to be with me anymore. I sent all those texts thinking
you still cared for me. I understand, and I don’t blame you. I’m
sorry I’ve continually bothered you. This will be my final text. I
want to say I’m sorry one last time and ask you to forgive me. You
have been nothing but kind and loving, and I’ve only returned it
with pain and uncertainty. I want you to know you are the only man
I love. I wish I had figured this out sooner. Be well.

Pain burned in my chest while writing
this last text. I sobbed uncontrollably and went into hysterics. It
hurt knowing that Jake could let go of me so quickly. Nervously
twirling the eternity band around my finger, reality set in that
the ring needed to come off. We would not love each other
eternally. I guess I didn’t mean as much to him as I’d believed. We
had both hurt each other badly.

Chapter 12 The End

With no one left to text, my cell
phone stayed at home and I boarded the plane bound for JFK.
Although my seat was more than comfortable, I couldn’t sleep. Part
giddy, part scared to see Jane, it was anyone’s guess what Jane’s
reaction would be once she found out about the love triangle that
should never have been. Our friendship, our promised sisterhood,
was all in jeopardy.

I landed in JFK early Friday morning
and found myself in familiar territory, as Jane had sent a car to
pick me up. Of course, only a Reid would be so considerate and
generous. The driver dropped me off at a beautiful old building in
Soho. Jane lived in a two-bedroom spacious apartment—spacious by
New York standards. As soon as I arrived, Jane took my bags to the
guest room, sat on the sofa, and grilled me about past events.
Neither my grogginess from the plane ride nor the nausea from lack
of food mattered. She needed to hear my story.

“Emily, my mom and I are going bonkers
trying to figure out what happened between you and Jake. He’s
hardly ever home anymore, and when he is, he will not say a word to
Mom. Can you please fill in all the blanks? Please?”

At first I thought it was just
curiosity, but I soon realized that Jane and Sandy were desperate
to understand Jake. I felt obliged to tell her
everything.

“Oh, Jane. Where do I begin?” The well
broke immediately. Jane ran over with a box of Kleenex.

I started to babble incoherently.
“During my trip to Vegas, my ex-boyfriend, Max, proposed to me. He
was my college sweetheart, and I thought that we would get married
after graduation. He, too, intended to marry me, but got cold feet
on graduation day, and didn’t propose as expected. He broke my
heart. I was broken for almost two years till I met your
brother.

Apparently, Max had this engagement
ring since graduation day, and he was tormented about breaking up
with me. He decided during our road trip to propose and to try to
win me back.”

Jane looked thoroughly
confused.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm
myself down.

“Let me backtrack a little. The
morning we came back from Hawaii, before the road trip, your
brother proposed to me in his car, on the way home. Did you know
this?”

Jane’s mouth dropped, and for the
first time, I saw her speechless.

She finally asked, “What did you say
to him?”

“At that time, I said, no. I thought
it was way too early. We had just started dating, and it scared me
that your brother was so sure about his commitment toward me. To be
honest, I doubted his love. I was scared he would one day wake up
and decide he didn’t love me anymore—just like what happened with
Max.”

“Your insecurities again?”

I nodded yes. “Jane, Max pretty much
mauled my heart. It was so damaged. I didn’t think that I would
ever recover. Knowing this, caution was my guide. Possibly, a too
eager of a guide, for Jake’s liking.”

Every time Jake told me he loved me, I
was too frugal with my love. Frustration and hurt must have built
up inside of him.

“Anyhow, Max and I visited the Grand
Canyon, and kind of got stuck there. He used this time to stun me
with a proposal and between the confusion of this proposal, and
with Jake questioning me about what had just occurred, the answer
that should have been no, never came out. I still haven’t answered
him.”

Jane looked at me with sympathetic
eyes.

“Jake came at that very moment to the
Skywalk to witness Max on his knees proposing to me. He first
assumed that something improper happened between Max and me the
night before, then he was livid when he saw the proposal. But more
than livid, he was hurt when I told him I hadn’t given Max an
answer yet. Of course, that’s when he went into shutdown mode and
stopped talking to me.” The tears came back like a hurricane. “He
left me, Jane. He walked away and never came back. I waited for him
for eight hours in the middle of the Skywalk thinking he would
return for me. I’m such an idiot, huh? Why am I so naïve all the
time? After a couple of hours, I should have known it was over.” My
face fell into my hands and I cried again for a while. The tears
wouldn’t abate. “You want to hear what’s even more idiotic? I’ve
been texting him every day hoping, believing, trusting his love for
me would prove stronger than his anger toward me. He hasn’t
responded…not once.”

Jane looked horrified at my
confession. “Even still, I miss him so much, Jane. Why was I so
stupid and insecure about us? After all those weeks together, I
only got up the courage to confess my love to Jake on Christmas
day. He was ecstatic when I told him that I loved him.” My own
confession tricked me into an aching smile. The image of Jake
staring in adoration and amazement at my profession of love brought
a split second of happiness.

“To the wrong guy I gave my heart so
freely, and yet to the right one, I was so stingy with my heart.
What I’d do to talk to him one more time and tell him how I feel.”
My tears went everywhere. I had been holding back this dam for too
long. It didn’t take much pressure for it to break. Jane rubbed my
back with her hands and tried to console me. It was useless. No one
could console me.

Finally, I calmed down enough to
answer some of Jane’s questions.

“So why could you answer my brother’s
proposal but not Max’s proposal? Do you still love Max and my
brother?”

I knew the answer to this but wasn’t
comfortable admitting this to even myself. Max had been my true
love for so long; I didn’t want to erase his place in my
heart.

“No. I don’t love Max anymore. I
haven’t loved him in a long time. I realized after Jake left me
that the way I loved Max was purely platonic. You know, like the
love you feel for your family or best friend. I met Max and fell in
love with him soon after my mom died. Not having a family, he
became my only family for four years. If Max had proposed, I
would’ve said yes and we would be living a happy life right now,
I’m sure. But he didn’t, and I let go of the physical love a long
time ago. Only, I just couldn’t let go of the bond that existed
between us. However, I only love him like family—no more, no less.
And I now understand it’s not wrong for me to love him this way. He
was my best friend, and in many ways, he still holds a dear place
in my heart. That will never change.”

It felt good to say this to someone.
The truth finally came out.

“That’s how I feel about you too. I
love you like a sister.” Jane hugged me in response to those
words.

“Does this make any sense, Jane, or
have I gone crazy?”

“I’m still a bit fuzzy on why you
couldn’t answer Max right away.”

“In all honesty, there just wasn’t a
chance to say no. It all happened so fast. Max proposed; I got
angry at him for doing this two years too late; your brother came
and pulled me away; we got into an argument; and next thing I knew,
I was alone.”

“So, if you got a chance to talk to
Jake…” Jane shook her head and stopped her train of thought. “…no,
let me put it this way…if Jake asks you to marry him again, what
will you do?”

That was an easy
answer…now. “When I said no to Jake the first time, I knew it was
only a matter of time before I accepted his proposal. I
love
your brother but I
was scared back then. Now, if I got another chance, there’s no way
I’d let him go. But, that’s just wishful thinking. When you called
me about this weekend, I told myself this was my chance to let out
all the pain and start letting go.”

“Emily!” Jane pleaded. “Don’t do this
to yourself. We promised to be sisters.” She lightly smiled and
wiped away my tears. “Jake can be stubborn, but I know he’s dying
inside right now without you. He’ll come around.”

“No. He’s made himself pretty clear.
Since he told you we weren’t seeing each other, I don’t know what
else to think but that he’s moved on. All this time, I thought that
we were still together, just going through a rough patch. I’m such
an idiot. It never occurred to me that in his mind, we had broken
up. He’s probably so tired of my emotional ups and downs. He
probably thinks that I’m a serious nut job.”

We both chuckled.

“Emily, Jake didn’t say in those words
that you guys had broken up. You need to understand something. Jake
shuts down completely when he’s upset. It drives my mom batty that
he stops talking to her when something sets him off. When we were
younger, if he thought that he was wronged somehow, he would march
up to his room and not talk to anyone for days. I guess old habits
die hard. I thought he might have grown out of this by
now.”

“He might have shut down on me
initially, but I really think he’s moved on with his life. I’ve
been nothing but heartache to him.”

The truth hurt.

“Jane, will you do me a
favor?”

“Sure,” she answered
gladly.

“Please don’t repeat any of this to
Jake or to any member of your family.”

“Why not? Shouldn’t Jake know how you
feel?”

“Yeah, he should, but evidently he
doesn’t want to know. If he does have a chance to hear it, I’d like
for him to hear it from me. Please?” I begged.

“Oh, all right! I’ll keep my mouth
shut. By the way, you must be starving. Let’s go get something to
eat.”

We filled the rest of the day with
food, sightseeing, food, shopping, and more food. We attempted to
go see a show, but my lack of sleep snuck up on me in the cab on
the way to the show. Jane turned the cab around and headed back to
her apartment. Sleep—which had avoided me since Christmas
night—became my best friend tonight.