Indelible Love - Emily's Story (24 page)

With Jake, I saw love in the future
tense.

With Max, I saw love in the past
tense.

I woke up New Year’s Day in a hotel in
Texas after a long drive. A pinch of hope mixed with a cup of
pessimism, I checked my phone to see if I had any missed calls from
Jake. There were none. Too afraid to call, I texted Jake before
visiting my parents.

Happy New Year, Jake. I’m
alone in Texas right now visiting my parents. My parents would have
liked meeting you. You three would’ve gotten along well. I thought
this new year would bring us closer together. I guess I botched up
my own hope. My new hope is that you find it in your heart to
forgive me. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I would like to share
with you what’s in my heart right now. Please call me.

Soon after I sent the text, my phone
rang and I nearly jumped out of bed thinking that Jake was
responding.

“Hello?” I answered without checking
to see who was calling.

“Hi, Emily,” said a cheerful voice.
“It’s me, Jane.”

“Hi, Jane, how are you? Happy New
Year.” Though it wasn’t Jake, my heart thrilled at the possibility
of Jane calling on Jake’s behalf.

“Happy New Year to you too. Where are
you? Aren’t you going to the chief’s tailgate party? Everyone will
be asking for you.”

“Um, I’m in Texas right now visiting
my parents’ grave. Have you talked to Jake?” Would she shed some
light on his feelings toward me? I could only hope.

“Yeah, I talked to him, but he
wouldn’t say much. He’s such a grouch and a loner when things don’t
go his way. He’s a bit moody. I figured you two must have had a
fight. I warned you he’s no fun when he’s mad.” Her words sounded
so innocuous. Little did she know she and I would never become
sisters.

“Jane, please tell everyone I wish
them a happy New Year and have a great time.”

Before visiting my parents, I stopped
by the gift shop and purchased a new outfit, as I’d lived in the
same clothes for three days. I also picked up a bunch of yellow
Gerbera daisies my mom liked. The last time I was here was soon
after Max and I broke up. I felt bad only coming to them when I was
in need.

With the flowers placed in a vase
beside their graves, my fingers quickly cleared away all the dried
leaves that had blown onto them. Tears began trickling down my
face, and soon I couldn’t stop crying. I told them about my life
since Max.

“Momma, Daddy. I’ve missed
you! I’m a bit sad right now, and I needed to talk to you, so will
you please hear me out for a while? I met a wonderful man two
months ago. You both would have loved him. He’s been so kind to me.
He took me on an amazing date up to San Francisco. Mom, remember
how you used to say that I had a certain look on my face when I
coveted something? Well, Jake also figured out this look and gave
me what I coveted every time. He told me this look was wistful. I
felt so loved by him.

His family is also
wonderful. Jake has a younger sister and a younger brother. His mom
and dad invited me on their family trip and took me to Hawaii. I
learned to scuba dive and got up once on a surfboard. They treated
me like a member of their family. I hadn’t felt like I was a part
of any family since Dad died. When we got back from Hawaii Jake
proposed to me, and stupidly, I turned him down. I didn’t think I
was ready.

Yesterday, it all came to a
terrible end. You remember Max, don’t you? Well, he also proposed
to me, but I didn’t turn him down even though I don’t want to marry
him. Jake saw everything that happened with Max, got mad, and left
me. Momma, he left me stranded at the Grand Canyon. For eight hours
I waited for him. He never came back.

Momma, what do I do when a
boy breaks my heart this badly? You never taught me this lesson
before you left. Why did you both have to leave me so early? I’m so
lonely right now, and there’s no one I can turn to. Maybe I was
never meant to keep the love I find. Maybe anyone who’s ever loved
me will leave me, just like you both did. I’m sorry to come all the
way over here and blame you for my woes, but I’m really mad at both
of you. You’re up in heaven happy with one another while I’m down
here miserable by myself.”

What was I doing? I snapped myself out
of my childish tirade.

“I’m sorry, Mom and Dad.
I’ll be OK. I’m sad now but don’t worry about me too much. You know
I’m a survivor.”

I cried on them till the sun went
down.

Though physically and emotionally
exhausted from all the crying, I chose to fly back home tonight.
Home provided stability and warmth, and I desperately needed to be
back in my own surroundings.

My phone rang many times. No doubt,
they were all calls from Sarah.

“Hello?”

“Emily, are you OK? I’ve been trying
to get a hold of you all yesterday and today. Why aren’t you
picking up your calls? I’ve been worried about you.”

“Hi, Sarah. I’m sorry for worrying
you. I saw my parents today, and now I’m at the
airport.”

“When does your flight land in LA?
I’ll come get you.”

“I get in late. I’ll catch a cab
home.”

“Emily, who catches a cab in LA? Text
me your flight information, and I’ll pick you up.”

“Ok, thanks. I’ll do that. See you
soon. Bye.”

I hung up the phone wondering when
this sadness might leave me. Perhaps when I got home, Jake and I
could resolve our problem and go back to loving each other again.
Sadly, I believed our time was done but with forced optimism I
texted him even before sending Sarah my flight
information.

Hi, Jake. I’m at the
airport coming home after visiting my parents. I’d hoped that you
might have called by now—but you haven’t. I know I messed up our
relationship, but I’d really like to try to work it out with you.
Please forgive me. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be right now.
Believe me when I tell you I love you. Please call me.

Before I hopped on the plane, I had
one last call to make.

“Hi, Max.”

“Em. Where are you? Sarah told me what
happened. I’ve been worried sick about you. I’m so sorry I left you
back in Arizona. Peter forced me back to LA and I had no idea that
you were left stranded. What happened to Jake? How could he just
leave you there?” Max’s caring voice turned to anger. “Emily Anne
Logan, why didn’t you call me when you needed help?” He got even
angrier.

“Max, I’m OK. I’m on my way home right
now. I was hoping we could talk sometime soon? You and I need to
resolve our issues.”

“Sure. I’d like to meet with you
too.”

“As soon as I get back, I’ll call you.
Do you have a hectic school schedule this winter?”

“Yeah. School’s going to be hard, but
I’ll make time to talk with you. Em?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you,
and I’m sorry for taking so long to get my act
together.”

“I know, Max. I know you’re
sorry.”

“Em?”

“Yes, Max.”

“I love you.”

“I know that too. Bye.”

It felt good to have a conversation
without choking up. Letting any emotion overpower common sense
would result in disaster for me. From now on, I needed to find
strength in myself, and only myself.

Chapter 11 Lost

The flight back was pleasant, and
though I was tired, I looked forward to opening up to my best
friend. Sarah came over equipped to spend the night and go to work
the next morning from my house. Her wrinkled forehead and
pronounced frown demonstrated her own heartache and distress for
me. Between hearing bits and pieces from Max and Peter it was my
turn to fill in the blanks. Whether or not I had the emotional
capacity to tell the entire story, Sarah deserved to know the
truth.

After a late dinner, Sarah was ready
to be my crying shoulder.

“What happened? Start from the
beginning when you and Max disappeared Saturday
morning.”

The entire story spanned from
breakfast to Grand Canyon to the night we spent at the
ranch.

“Sarah, did you know that Max was
going to propose to me?”

“Yeah, I found out after he broke up
with you. I figured it would do you no good to know this
information since he was dating Jennifer.”

“Did you also know that he was going
to propose again?”

“No. I think Peter was the only one
who knew. Peter told me he tried hard to convince him otherwise,
but Max wouldn’t listen. Max heard our conversation when we first
got to Vegas, and he got nervous when he heard that Jake had
proposed.”

“I really messed up, Sarah. I don’t
think Jake will ever speak to me again. He was so angry and hurt
when he left.”

“Explain to me how he can leave you
stranded for eight hours. It doesn’t matter how upset he is, his
actions were inexcusable.” Her clipped tone matched her
anger.

“I don’t know what
happened exactly. I’m sure he wouldn’t have left me if he knew I
would be alone…would he?”
No, Jake would
never do that to me—regardless of the reason.
My chest felt the throbbing again.

“So what are you going to do? How do
you feel about both men?”

“Max and I don’t have a future
together. I’ll meet with him soon and let him know. I love him, but
not the same way he loves me.”

“As for Jake, I’ve tried to contact
him, but he won’t respond. I don’t know what to do.”

Sarah and I talked deep into the night
and by the time I got up; she had left me breakfast and a kind
note.

Emily, regardless of what
happens, I love you
!

Ready to start the new school year, I
jumped out of bed and mustered up every ounce of excitement. As a
New Year’s resolution, I decided I would not cry anymore and would
work toward being a strong person. It was no man’s duty to take
care of me. That would be my job alone. I had been on my own
before, and it was time to do this again.

I also decided nothing was final with
Jake. There was still hope he would come around. He was just taking
a bit longer than usual to calm himself down. As soon as my
resolution to be a stronger person was set, laughter followed as I
texted Jake before leaving for school.

Hi, Jake. School starts
for me today. I’m quite relieved to have twenty-four kids clutter
my mind from now on. I see that you haven’t found it in your heart
to forgive me yet. It makes me sad, but I understand. I still have
hope that your love for me will win over your anger toward me. I
hope you are doing well. I miss you. I love you.

The first day back to school, it
rained, the kids acted like goons and I wondered why I became a
teacher. For the first time in a week, I didn’t check my phone
twenty times in the morning to see if Jake had texted back, and my
mind was preoccupied with everyone else’s problems. My kids at
school were the solution to my problems.

Every day I came to school looking
forward to new joys, new issues, and a respite from my love life,
or a lack thereof. I ignored calls from Jane and Max and
concentrated my efforts on my kids. Of course, the call I wouldn’t
ignore never came. My day started at 6:30 am and didn’t end till
after sundown. Throwing myself into work helped ease the hurt,
somewhat. Sarah called daily to check up on me, but every phone
call only acknowledged the call that never came. Neither of us
spoke his name. Sarah saw through my pretend bravado and tried to
come over as often as possible. Since she lived and worked almost
an hour away, the only way to discourage her was for me to stay at
work even later. My students were the only beneficiaries of my
pathetic life.

My texts to Jake continued. I looked
at it as a daily page in the diary. More than anything, I missed
talking to him and it made me feel a little less lonely texting
him—like I was still a part of his life.

Of course the lack of response mocked
my lonely heart.

Hi, Jake. How are you
doing? I hope you are not working too hard. What a silly thing to
say, of course you are working hard. I, too, have been working hard
at school. Today was an ugly day, as my student Jimmy got sick and
threw up on me. It’s been a while since we last spoke. Wow, you can
hold a grudge. I thought you might have responded by now. I know I
hurt you and don’t have a right to say this, but I hurt, too, as
you don’t respond to any of my messages. Please call.

Today, I got another phone call from
Jane. This time I chose not to ignore it. She had been patient
enough. I didn’t want to run away from her just like Jake was
running away from me.

“Emily! Where have you been?” Jane
asked in utter exasperation.

“Jane. I’m sorry. I’ve been really
busy with school,” I fibbed. She saw right through me, even though
we were on the phone.

“Don’t lie to me. It’s because of
Jake, huh? I finally got Jake to give me some answers, and all I
could figure out was that you two weren’t seeing each other
anymore.”