Indelible Love - Emily's Story (28 page)

Nervously, I stood at the station. I
didn’t know whether it would be better to see Jake and possibly be
rejected again or not to see Jake and never know the answer. From
down the hall, I saw him looking at a chart, walking my way. He
would reach me in seconds, though he had no idea I was standing
there. It took all the strength I had not to throw myself at Jake
and beg him to love me again. I thought maybe I could persuade him
to reconsider our relationship.

Suddenly, I woke up to the reality of
no communication for three weeks and our disastrous meeting in New
York. He wouldn’t want to see me, and I didn’t need another
heartbreak. I left the letter at the nurse’s desk without any
explanation, and ran into an open elevator. As it shut, I caught a
glimpse of him looking straight at me and the tears fell without
warning. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why had I done this to myself
again? Why? Trying to regain composure, I stayed in the lobby
briefly before going out to see Sarah.

“Where were you and who was that?”
Sarah questioned.

“
That was Jake’s uncle. I
asked him to give the letter to Jake, but I was stupid enough to
follow him to the third floor where Jake would be.”

“Did you see him?” Sarah looked happy
for me.

“Yeah…but I left before he could see
me.” I wanted to sound casual though I knew I had
failed.

“Emily. Do you want to go back and see
Jake before you leave? We have some time before your plane takes
off.”

Truth be told, I desperately wanted to
see Jake one last time. My heart hoped if he saw me, he would
welcome me back into his life. Maybe he would even tell me he
missed me. I knew I would be crushed when my hope remained only
that—a hope.

“No, Sarah. What good will that do?
I’d only be hurting myself again. I just wished I knew how much I
loved Jake before Max proposed. I didn’t realize losing him would
be this hard. Let’s go.”

At the airport, Sarah and I said
good-bye and I handed her my contact number.

“This is the phone number to the place
where I’m going to stay. I’ll call you often to get updates on the
wedding. There will be no cell or e-mail access, and when I write
letters to people, I’m not sending a return address. Will you
promise me you won’t tell anyone, not even Charlie, that you have
my contact info? Please promise me.”

Sarah appeared annoyed with me. “Must
you go to this length to forget a man? You’re so ridiculous. I have
a good mind to call Jake and chew him out for forcing you into
solitude. You’ll be so lonely there by yourself. Don’t do this. You
don’t have to go.”

“Sarah, I want to go,” was all I said,
walking toward my new life.

Chapter 14 Finding Emily

February 1

Dear Jake,

I’m sure you don’t want to hear from
me but I thought I should write at least once to tell you that I am
doing well. I finally got settled into Mr. and Mrs. Suzuki’s home.
They have two children named Yuki and Ryu, whom I will be tutoring
till June.

When I first got to their house, it
made me chuckle to think that their entire house could fit into
your bedroom. My room is a quarter the size of your bathroom. I
guess everything here is compact.

The village is peaceful. There aren’t
too many cars here. We either walk from place to place or people
scooter around. The school that I work at is nearby. Since all I do
is go from school to tutoring, I do a lot of walking.

I hope that you are doing well. Please
say hello to your parents and Chief Reid for me. And please
apologize to Gram for me. Let her know I really wanted to meet her,
and though I’d only spoken with her once, she made a wonderful
impression on my heart. Take care.

Emily

February 2

Dear Jane,

Please forgive me for not having
called before I left. I couldn’t get myself to talk to you after I
saw Jake in New York. I’m in Japan right now teaching English. I
don’t know when I’ll come back home. I hope you’ll understand when
I tell you I want to sever all ties with home for a
while.

I’ve made such a mess of everything. I
have so many regrets—turning down your brother’s proposal so
quickly, not turning down Max’s quickly enough, but the biggest
regret I have was never having shown Jake how much I loved and
appreciated him. I always knew deep inside he was the one for me.
Why was I so scared to admit this to anyone?

Even though I didn’t get a chance to
fully tell him about my love, I hope he got a good sense of it when
he read my journal. I gave him my journal as his Christmas present.
I hope my writing clearly illustrated these emotions.

Thank you for being such a good
friend. When I get strong enough, you will be the first one I send
a return address to. Until then, I’ll write…you read. Take
care.

Emily

February 17

Dear Max,

Hello, dear friend. Hope school is
going well. I’m settled here in my new home, and the family that I
am staying with is wonderful. It’s been a bit difficult since they
don’t speak much English and I don’t speak any Japanese. The
children have served as translators.

I’ve been here almost a month now. Mr.
Suzuki, my host, took me on his fishing boat yesterday. We left
around 10:00 p.m. and didn’t get home till about 4:00 a.m. I have
never been so seasick in my life. It didn’t dawn on me to take a
Dramamine. I threw up many times over the boat.

We, or I should say, Mr. Suzuki and
his crew, caught this monstrous tuna. I wish I had my camera on me.
When they first caught it, I thought it was a baby whale. I didn’t
know a tuna was so huge. It’s a bit lonely here by myself but I’m
doing well and having a great time in Japan. I’ll be visiting Tokyo
this coming weekend. I’ll write again soon.

Em

February 25

Dear Jane,

How are you? Since the last time I
wrote, I took the bullet train again and went into Tokyo. What a
fun city! I don’t remember if I saw a pushpin on Tokyo on your
travel board back at home, but if you haven’t been, this city is a
must.

I woke up early to go see Tsukiji
market. They only allow 120 people into the tuna auction so I made
sure to get there extra early. It was exhilarating to see how
quickly the auction sped by. Everyone was speaking so fast I didn’t
understand a word. After the auction, I walked into a random stall
and had the most amazing sushi. Even though I eat fish almost daily
in my village, the fish right at the market is even better. I
wonder how this compares to your meal at Masa?

I wrote to Jake once when I first got
here. Actually, I write him daily, but end up tearing up every
letter. I did mail the first one. Pathetic, huh? I’m such a
chicken. Maybe this is why I’m not successful with
relationships.

Hope school is going well. You only
have a few months left.

See ya.

Emily

March 5

Dear Max,

Sorry it’s been awhile since I last
wrote. Many more students from my school requested to be tutored so
I’ve been busy making extra money. I guess it’s a good
thing.

Last weekend, I got to go on a rice
picking tour. Our village gets all these Western tourists who come
for a day and want to pay money to go rice picking. It’s
backbreaking work! I couldn’t function the next day.

How is school? I assume your semester
ends in a couple of months? I’m sure you and Peter are doing fine.
How hard can it be?

I miss you and all our friends. As
peaceful as this village is, I don’t know if I’ve found my peace
yet. I was hoping to mend my broken heart here, but the pain
doesn’t seem to want to go away. Absence does make the heart grow
fonder. Sorry for babbling. I’m sure you aren’t thrilled with
hearing your ex-girlfriend cry about her ex-boyfriend.

Have you been dating at all? You need
to get back out there. You can be pretty irresistible when you want
to be. Please tell Peter I said hello. I will write to him
soon.

I miss you.

Emily

March 24

Hi, Peter!

How are things in your life? As you
know, I’m doing well in Japan. I got to go to Osaka this past
weekend to watch a baseball game. A few friends of mine here got
tickets to watch the Orix Buffaloes vs. the Hanshin Tigers at the
Osaka Dome. It was such a cool stadium.

These fans here are crazy. Did you
know that no one gets up to do anything when their home team is up
to bat? They don’t use the bathroom. The concession lines are
empty. It’s unbelievable. Every player has his own song that the
fans sing during the game. I don’t think that we in LA get this
excited for anything.

I think this was the best day in Japan
thus far. Well, maybe it’s right behind visiting and eating at the
Tsukiji market. You know I have a weakness for sushi. I’m going to
try to visit other stadiums before I get back to the States for
Sarah’s wedding.

I hope you and Max aren’t too stressed
out with school. I miss you both. Bye.

Emily

April 3

Dear Max,

I can’t believe I’ve been here two
months already. Time goes so fast. I’ve picked up quite a bit of
Japanese during my stay here. Ryu and Yuki have taught me as much
as I’ve taught them.

I really enjoy teaching here in the
village. I’m considering staying here another year. When I come
back to the States for Sarah and Charlie’s wedding, I’m going to
make arrangements to come live here at least another
year.

I know you’re thinking that I’m hiding
from my life in LA. I can’t say that you’re wrong in your thinking.
I like it here and it’s easier for me not to think about Jake when
I know that he’s not working a mile from my home.

Sorry it’s so short today. Will write
again.

Emily

April 12

Dear Nick,

How’s school? You’re probably studying
hard, dying to graduate. I’m sending you pictures of the coolest
place I found in Tokyo. Did you know that there is a section of
Tokyo that sells all things food, restaurant, and kitchen supply?
It’s called Kappabashi in the Asakusa district.

I guess it’s technically a restaurant
wholesale district. The tour books say that it’s only a half mile
stretch but I spent an entire day here. There are stores that sell
only plastic food models. Some stores sell all knives. Some random
stores specialize in noren—the curtains that hang outside a door to
signal that you’re open.

There are little food stalls too, but
I didn’t eat here. I stopped at a street vendor who sold a variety
of donburis. When I went into a general restaurant supply store, I
wanted to buy everything. Since I’m thinking of staying here
another year, I didn’t think it would be wise to collect so much
luggage.

I wish you could have been here with
me. We would’ve had a blast. Hope all is well with you. Will write
again.

Emily

April 19

Dear Jane,

Have you found a job yet? I’m so sorry
to be missing your graduation. I thought I would be there with your
brother celebrating your glorious day. I know you will do well in
life. You are such an endearing person, and you have been a beloved
friend to me.

Please don’t be too mad that I still
haven’t sent a return address. I miss you, Jane. Yes, I miss Jake
as well. I still hurt, but I’m feeling more at peace about what’s
happened between us. I think I’ve finally accepted my life to go on
without Jake and I can say I’m content now.

Perhaps it was a good thing Jake left
me. I’ve become a more independent person. I used to fear being
alone. I’d skip meals rather than eat by myself, and spend every
weekend with Sarah and Charlie so I’d be among people. Isn’t that
sad? Now, I am confident enough to walk into a restaurant, be
alone, and not feel sorry for myself. Not only that, I travel to
different cities and converse with strangers—as everyone is a
stranger to me in this country. I just bought my ticket to go visit
Hong Kong next weekend. Can you believe how bold I’ve
become?

If I were with Jake I’d probably lean
on him, and trust him to take care of all my needs. Though I’ve
taken care of myself since high school, I finally do it with a
happy heart and a peace of mind.