Insight (26 page)

“With what?”

He shakes his head. “Nothing.
Thinking about you in a bikini.” He smirks. “
Will you come?”

I still have no words, and his dismissal of my question is okay because part of me thinks he wants to do more research on the voodoo doll story, and it’s too much for me to deal with right now. I really am just…numb. “Is this a joke?”

Landon’s edge of laughter is gone. Now his face is masked in something that looks like worry. “Look. I know this is crazy, or too soon, or something. And you’re probably freaking out right now. But will you at least consider it?”

“Um...” M
y brain is spinning. It’s like we’re talking about things that belong in movies
,
and now ditching our first year of college for
sailing
. I’m in someone else’s life. Not my own.

His lips brush against my forehead as he continues speaking. “If you can’t do it now, I’ll wait until you can. I can’t imagine doing it without you. You’ve become my best friend, and the girl I love all in one. If you couldn’t come, you’d be…missing.” He sucks in a breath. “And, I can use scare tactics if I want to. I bet shadows couldn’t follow us out there… I mean, it could be a break from a lot of different things. Just not me.” His smile is wide again.

“Wow.” I stop, and my heart is soaring with the idea of being connected to the water like that for months. Months.

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out for a minute.

“Yeah. I’ll consider.” How could I not? But even as I speak it, I wonder if I can. I wonder if I could drop everything the way I suddenly want to.  If I can let my mom down. I would have never even
dreamed
up this opportunity. Surely Mom could understand that.

He kisses me softly at first, but those soft kisses make me want more from him, and I push my body against his. Besides, after spending time fighting and not talking, I really need this.

“You’re
so
going to say yes. I know it.” I can feel him smiling.

My heart sinks a little. What will Mom think? What do I think? Aside from elation at something that feels completely fun and irresponsible. “This is a lot, Landon.” I let my fingers slide down from his shoulder to take his hand. We slowly start walking again. I can just make out the light from my porch through the trees.

“I know
,
and I thought it would scare the crap out of me, but it’s you, so it doesn’t. Does that make sense?”

“Perfect sense.” Is this really where we are? Feeling so much?

We stop on my porch.

“Goodnight, Micah.” His lips kiss from under my ear to my mouth.

“Aren’t you afraid to walk home alone?” I tease. I’ve been outside with the moving shadow before, he hasn’t. Or, at least hasn’t known about it. Again, if it’s actually real.

“I don’t plan on walking, and I don’t care if you tease me about it later.” He
leans forward and gives me another kiss
. “See you soon.”

“See you soon.” My lips leave his way too soon, and just like he promised, he breaks into a run as soon as I step inside, leaving me, once again, with way too much to think about.

TWENTY-SIX

I lie on my bed in the dark and stare out the window. I can barely see through the branches of the bush, but I can a little. Part me wishes I felt like I could sit outside in the woods, or down on
the Michael
s
’
boat, just so I could think better. It’s not even the thought of the moving shadows that keep me inside. It’s more Landon’s reaction to them. I’ve chased whatever it is out there watching me. But when Landon n
ot only believed
me
, but also took me
seriously, it changed things. Maybe he’s being pulled in by our school project, too, and thinks the shadows are coming to take me.

Then I laugh because I realize part of me would rather go sit alone in the woods than have another meeting with Landon’s dad in his library. Seriously, my brain must be out of whack.

I told Landon I’d go sailing, or that I’d at least consider it. Does he mean it? Does he know what he’s asking? Am I really giving up what Mom wants for me?

I
think
I am.

The darkness is dense, and I relax into the idea while watching for movement. Nothing.

I imagine what it would be like to be on a boat, for months. The salt-water smell with warmth, heat from the sun. For day after day, to learn about sails, and lines and then the real stuff—navigation, boat systems. There’s a lot to know, but I know he’s done it all before.

I imagine it with Landon.

The realization of the peace I would have being alone with only him hits me hard. My whole life, I’ve pulled away from people, tucked my arms into my sides as I walked. Done everything I could think of to disappear. But if it’s just the two of us? For the first time I’d be able to relax. That same thought brings a life-changing realization.

I trust Landon.

I trust Landon enough to do this with him. Enough to take a vacation from what I see and only live with what I see from him. Just the thought makes me feel lighter, like a huge weight’s been lifted from me—off my shoulders, off my chest, off my body.

But should trust happen this fast? I’m not sure.

We’ve been through a mess and come out the other side. We survived being very different people, me not telling him about Lacey, his drunken rant, and my slap…

The adventure seems like such a spoiled thing to wish for, but how can I not when it’s so close to being within my grasp?

Most importantly.
How am I going to tell my mother
?

***

The passenger’s seat of Mom’s van suddenly feels suffocating. I roll down my window, even though it’s raining again because I need to breathe. My fingernails are worn from being chewed. No more shadows have been seen and I keep checking Mom for that bright white and black vision, but it hasn’t come back. Could I really be back to “normal”?

Now we’re headed out to dinner with Ethan and Steven. And the only thing that matters is how am I supposed to start a conversation that begins with me telling Mom I want to sail, and will probably end with—

“Okay, Micah? You’ve been distracted for days. What’s going on?” Mom’s voice pulls me out of my daydream.

Guess
this
is how I start the conversation I’m terrified to have.

“Micah?”

“I’m thinking of waiting a year to go to school.” I hold in my breath, as if it will brace me from whatever Mom’s going to say.

“What?” Her knuckles are white on the steering wheel. “No.”

Her words shock me and immediately put me on the defensive. She didn’t even ask for an explanation, and I can’t remember the last time Mom had to tell me no about something.

“I’ve put a lot of thought into it, Mom.”

“Into what? S
crewing around when you should be going to school?”

Screwing around? Now I’m offended. “Mom—”

“No way, Micah. This is not negotiable.” Her voice is hard, flat.

“Well, I’m eighteen, and we both know you can’t stop me.” Wow. I can’t believe those words just came out of my mouth. What’s gotten into me?

“Micah. Don’t.” Mom’s teeth clamp together.

She’s reacting even worse than I expected, and I’m still in shock over what I’ve said. “Aren’t you going to let me explain?”

“It doesn’t matter!” she snaps. I can’t remember ever hearing Mom yell like that before.

“I have the opportunity to spend a year, as much time as I want, sailing.” I don’t have to close my eyes to see the blue water and small deserted islands.

“Of course, with Landon. The boy you probably think you’re in love with.” Her voice is hard. “And to think I was worried about your lack of relationships,” she mumbles.

“I
am
in love, Mom.” Wow. Am I?

“You have no idea what love is, Micah.” Her eyes are dark as they meet mine.

“And
you
do?” I shift sideways in my seat to see her better. “I mean, I’m sorry, Mom, but Ethan is the first person you’ve felt anything real for. Ever!”

“Wow! So now the teenage know-it-all comes out.” Her jaw is set.

I knew I’d get the teenage stuff sooner or later. At least she’s not yelling anymore.

“Mom, this isn’t high school stuff or teenage stuff or whatever. It’s life. It’s what I want to do.” I want it. I need it. The break from unwanted visions, just Landon and I alone. It’s a vacation from something I’ve
never
been able to take a vacation from. It’s exploring a part of the world most people never get to see. I feel more desperate to go all the time.

“No, Micah. I’ve worked too hard. No.” She puts the car in park and I whirl out of my seat and out of the car, slamming the door behind me. We’re at the small pub. I force out a hard breath and do my best to unclench my fists.

“Problems?” Steven smiles. For the first time I can see the resemblance between him and his cousin. They have the same smile. There’s a small amount of comfort from that.

“Something like that.” I cross my arms.

“How are things?” he asks more quietly as Mom
steps inside and
sits next to Ethan, still scowling.

“Fine until a few minutes ago.” I sigh.

“You lied, you know.”

“What?” My head snaps up.

“When I asked if you liked my cousin.” His mouth pulls into a smirk. It’s okay.

“I didn’t lie. I didn’t know him then.” I shrug. It’s the truth.

“And now you two are inseparable.”

I look around us and raise my eyebrows. Landon’s obviously not with me at this moment.

“Okay, so not
completely
inseparable.” He rolls his eyes.

“There’s a lot more to him than most people see, Steven. The more I know about him, the more I like him.” A thought hits me from our ride to school together. “What’s going on with Jessica?”

Steven stuffs his hands in his khaki’s pockets. “She’s coming to Prom with me. And she’s going to NYU next year, so we realized we won’t be that far apart when we go to school.”

“I’m glad for you.”

“I’m glad for me, too.” He nods, almost blushing. “Ready to head inside?”

“Not even a little bit.”

Ethan walks toward us
, stepping outside
. Mom hasn’t moved. “Steven, why don’t you
keep Micah’s mom company
?” It’s more than a request.

I watch
over Ethan’s shoulder to see Steven sit down with Mom.

“Can we talk?” he asks me.

What will I get now?

“Don’t worry.” He chuckles as he sees the expression on my face. “I’ll just be a minute.” He leans against mom’s car. 

I lean next to him. But not too close.

“You have to know your mom is just worried about you because it took her so long in school.” His kind smile matches his face and his eyes. The kids must love him. His voice is low and smooth, and his neat hair is brushed off his face.

I want to say something about how he shouldn’t be butting into something that’s between Mom and I, but everything about him is sincere. It’s hard to be frustrated.

“This is none of my business, I know.” He holds a hand up between us.

I just stand and wait, unsure of what I should say.

“I’ve wanted to talk to you, anyway.” His soft brown eyes look into mine. “I love your mother.”

“I know.” I’ve seen it. “She loves you, too.”

His eyes close briefly, and I hear him exhale. “Is that okay?”

“Of course it’s okay.” Ethan’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met, it would be stupid of me to have a problem with him.

“Thank you.” He takes a step away. “Give her a few days to think about this. Do your research so when you two talk again, you have something concrete to give her.”

“Will she leave it alone for a few days?” I ask. And I can’t believe that her new boyfriend is our go-between.
             

“Yeah, I think she will.” He nods.

“Is that it?” I start to stand.

“No.” He touches my shoulder to keep me next to him.

Mom’s face, love, contentment.

“I have never seen Landon as happy as he is right now. I told your mom.”

I watch his face. Is he on my side? Hers? Landon’s? I’m confused. “Thank you.” I’m grateful to him now, for talking to me. Maybe I’ll find a way to make everyone happy and get what I want, too.

“Thanks for giving me a chance to talk.”

“Yeah.” I hate feeling like I should say something more when I don’t have any idea of what it should be.

“I don’t want to intrude you know, with you and your mom.”

“I promise
, you’re not intruding. Right now you’re providing a welcome distraction.” I can’t believe I just admitted that.