Insufferable: A Dark Erotic Romance (14 page)

Chapter 22

Jaime

This wasn’t wrong. I could take care of Lydia. What we shared wouldn’t affect that. I wouldn’t let it. She was safer with me than with anyone else. I knew her.
The real her
. If I kept up with the lessons and made sure she took the meds she was just prescribed, everything would be fine. She could beat this, and she’d choose more than to live. She’d chose me to be happy with.

So why was I having such a hard time accepting that?

I glanced over, taking in the solemn look on her face as I headed to my office building. Since we’d left the mansion, she had barely said more than two sentences to me. It wasn’t a good sign.

“Are you hungry?”

Her blue eyes took me in for only a moment before they returned to stare out of the window. “I ate before we left.”

“You didn’t eat much. Are you sure you’re okay? There’s a few restaurants not far from the office. We can take a walk through the park and grab a bite to eat if you’d like.”

“I’m really not hungry. Thanks, though.”

I clenched my teeth, focusing on the traffic as I pulled up to a red light. Movement drew me to glance down at her lap. She had her fingers interlaced, but her knuckles were white. There was something wrong and if she didn’t tell me, it was going to drive me crazy.

“Is it the medication that has you nervous or is it something else?”

“There’s a lot of things on my mind right now. Yes, the medication makes me nervous. I’m trying not to think of that right now.”

“Then what are you thinking about?”

Lydia hesitated, turning to me. “You want to know every little thing on my mind, but what about yours? How is that fair to me? You changed after … the table incident. Why? What happened?”

A frown came to my face and I eased along with the traffic as the light changed to green. “It’s complicated. What we’ve been doing is wrong. I’m breaking all kinds of rules here. I’m putting you at risk, or so my mind tells me. The other part of me says you’re safer with me. I’m conflicted.”

“You’re …” Panic was thick in her tone. “You’re not going to have me committed are you?”

“Of course not,” I snapped. “You’re not going anywhere. You’ll stay with me.”

“You promise? I mean, if you decide you don’t want to help me anymore, promise you won’t have me committed. You’ll let me leave, or at least—” Lydia’s head went down while she shook her head. “Anything but putting me in a nuthouse. I can’t take that.”

“I said you’re staying with me. Nothing is going to happen to change that.”

I reached over grabbing my slave’s hand and giving it a squeeze to emphasize my answer. When I brought it to my lips, her eyes welled with tears. The sight left my chest tight. There was so much emotion in her and I couldn’t wait to get it under control. How was it to feel so much? I wouldn’t know. Before her, it was hard for me to feel anything at all.   

“Thank you for everything. For the cliff, and for what you’re doing. If it weren’t for you, I don’t know where I’d be right now. Dead, I guess.”

My eyes narrowed as I took in the statement. “No reason to thank me. Let’s just focus on getting you better. We’ll pick up the prescription on our way home.”

Lydia went back to looking out of the window and before I could overanalyze every pitch and tone that came from her mouth, my phone rang. Seeing Sevastian’s name on the screen of my phone had my pulse jumping. Not from fear, but from guilt. A guilt I couldn’t shake no matter how hard I tried. I hit the button, refusing to put on the speaker in my car.

“Hello, Sevastian.”

“Hello, yourself. You haven’t called. What’s the word? How’s your slave?”

“Great. We actually just left Dr. Webster’s office. She wrote her a prescription.”

“Who?”

At Sevastian’s deepened tone, the heaviness returned.

“Dr. Webster. She has an office here in the city.”

“The city? You have a suicidal woman with you in the car, here in the city? What’s wrong with Dr. Owen? Why didn’t you call him to the house?”

I had nothing. Nothing at all to say to justify my actions. Everything that came to mind was an excuse.

“We needed a break. I thought bringing her to the city would give us that.”

“We? A break? Am I hearing you correctly? There
are
no breaks, Jaime! Especially for her. You know that.”

“I know.”

“That’s it? You
know
?”

I glanced over at Lydia’s curious expression, but went back to focusing on the road. I doubted she could hear all of what Sevastian was saying, but I could, and this wasn’t good.

“I have everything under control.”

“Do you? Because if you ask me, you don’t.
Exposing her to the outside world. Not sticking with our contacts
. Fuck, I knew I should have come when you told me about these feelings. You are making a grave mistake, my friend. This isn’t what is best for her. You have to know that.”

My head shook, refusing to believe that. “She’s fine. Everything is fine, you have my word. Lydia is doing a lot better. She—”

I cringed at my mistake, knowing damn well I was digging myself in deeper. Once a slave was taken, they didn’t have a name anymore.

“Wow. So she’s Lydia now? Do you call her that instead of slave?”

“Of course not,” I cut in. “Listen, right now’s not the best time to talk about this. I’ll call you when I get home.”

“Right. You
do
that.”

The phone went dead and it took everything I had not to toss the bastard out of the window. Sevastian had entrusted me with helping everyone we took on and this time, I’d gone too far, too fast. I should have waited until she was better. I should have followed his advice, but fuck if I could. I had tried. It didn’t work out that way. So what did I do now? Abandon Lydia like Sevastian had done to Diane? Pass her off to someone else? I couldn’t do that. I gave my slave my word that I wouldn’t leave her. I couldn’t go back on my promise.

“What was that about?”

“Nothing. It’s all good. Don’t worry.”

I looked down, pressing the call button on my phone. My secretary answered almost immediately.

“Mr. Livingston.”

“Do me a favor and call Larry Glover. Tell him we’re going to have to reschedule.”

“Sure thing, Mr. Livingston.”

I hung up, dropping the phone in the cup holder as I headed back for the freeway.

“You’re in trouble because of me, aren’t you?”

“What? No.”

“Sounded like it to me.”

I gripped my slave’s fingers, flipping over her hand to kiss her palm. “Everything is fine. Once I explain the situation to Sevastian, he’ll see.”

A grin tugged at Lydia’s mouth and I brought her hand down to hold mine. Truth was, Sevastian wasn’t going to see anything. I fucked up. The only question was, could I convince him that I was in the right?

“I’ve been thinking about your one good thing. You said you wanted to help other addicts. Do you remember that?”

“Yes, of course.”

“I’m not so sure that’s your path. Not yet. I think right now we should start off small. What if I told you there’s a woman I’d like you to meet?”

“A woman?”

“Yes. Her name is Ms Jo. She makes treats and gift baskets for the local retirement center and hospital in town. I do believe she’d enjoy your company.”

The smile grew as Lydia nodded. “I’d like that.”

“I’ll give Ms Jo a call. Maybe we can set something up for the end of the month.”

“That’s like two weeks away.”

“You have a few lessons to undergo before I give you that much freedom.”

“But.” Lydia closed her mouth, but it didn’t stop her lip from pouting. “That’s longer than the four weeks you mentioned when I got here. I thought when the time was up that I wouldn’t have to do this anymore.”

“You’re not well enough yet. We have to wait and see how you do with the medication.”

“And if I’m fine?”

“We’ll go from there. One day at a time.”

I exited the freeway, going down a block before pulling into the drive-thru at the pharmacy. Lydia remained quiet and lost in her thoughts. I couldn’t help but wonder what they were. Or even what I was going to do, myself. I had to pull back some and set her straight. We had sex sometimes three to four times a day. It was too much. If I couldn’t get ahold of this lust, there were going to be more problems to deal with than Sevastian. I could try to delude myself all I wanted, but it wasn’t going to help Lydia in the long run, and I wanted what was best for her.

“I’m here to pick up a prescription for—”

“Lydia?”

The woman lowered, peering further into the car as though she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

“Lydia? It
is
you! I almost didn’t recognize you with darker hair. You …” She paused, still shaking her head. “What happened to you? Phillip… Do you know how long we’ve been looking for you?”

The color in Lydia’s face was draining by the second. “It’s good to see you, Connie. It’s been awhile. How is everyone?”

The last of her shaky words were clearly forced. It turned my stomach to see my slave so upset. This was the last thing she needed in her condition.

“Can we get that prescription?” I broke in.

“Yes.” The woman threw me an annoyed look, but went back to Lydia. “Phillip’s been so worried about you. He still comes to the house. You leaving like you did, it really messed him up. What the hell happened? I thought everything was great between the two of you. Suddenly, you’re gone and he’s telling me you filed for divorce. We were best friends, Liddy. You never told me y’all were having problems.”

“Prescription.”

“It’s okay.” Lydia placed her hand on mine while she looked up at the woman. “We both know my reasons. Now, please, I’d like my prescription if you don’t mind.”

The woman glanced at me, her eyes flickering as she looked between us. When she turned and walked off, I couldn’t stop the growl that left my mouth.

“I’m assuming she’s an acquaintance of your past addiction?”

“Yes, Master. My closest friend back then. Our husbands…” She paused, glancing over at me. “They were best friends. I didn’t personally take a liking to Connie too much, but we got along decently enough. After all, we had one thing in common.”

I cupped, Lydia’s cheek, studying her pale face. “How are you? Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m a little jittery. It happens when that part of my past is triggered, but I’m good.”

A few minutes passed before the woman appeared, sliding the bag in the slot and opening it for us. “One pill a day, as directed. Since I’m the only Pharmacist on duty, would you like me to go into more detail over the medication or not?”

“We got this.” I took the bag, sliding my card in for her to take.

“Receipt?”

“No.” I glared as I waited, and I couldn’t help it. The way she kept staring at Lydia left me defensive.

“Here you go.” She placed the card back inside, letting her eyes lift to my slave. “He lost the company, you know? He lost everything because of you. He still loves you, and he blames himself for what happened. If you were half human, you’d at least send him a letter and let him know you aren’t dead. After the rumors of your suicide attempts, he sure as hell thinks you are.”

“I’m sure you’ll have no problem telling him.” I threw the car in drive, not allowing Lydia to further the conversation. She didn’t need to hear any more and she sure as shit didn’t have to explain herself. That bastard had put her through hell, and it wasn’t her life anymore. It was time for the new and improved Lydia. The healthy one that didn’t take anyone’s shit but her Master’s.

Chapter 23

Lydia

“Take all the time you need.”

I stared between the pill and Jaime, who stood not two feet away. His concern over me was comforting, but nothing had prepared me for the fear from what I faced. It was hard enough thinking of taking medication, but hearing what Connie had to say didn’t give me the start I needed to tackle this. I was on edge. My body kept shaking at the adrenaline pumping through me and I couldn’t stop my teeth from the episodes of chattering. The ache in my jaw associated with the random clamping was all too familiar. Familiar in regard to the anxiety, and common with the drug of my addiction. There were times I could barely talk come the next morning. A night of my jaw snapping closed was nothing more than a side effect of ecstasy, but then I had thought it worth it. Now I couldn’t stand the action or sensation.

Triple stacked gators. Triple stacked. Three times the relief. Gators
. Again my jaw snapped, just like the street name that came with the green pill I’d loved more than anything. Pink, white, blue, green. Each color promised a different thing. Pink for me was sex. But green. Those were the perfect peace. The heroine that laced the pill made sure of that.

“I don’t want to do this. I know I need to, but I really, really don’t want to.”

“I know, but you have to. We have to see if it makes you better.”

Tears stung my eyes as I nodded. “You can’t let me think on it. Within fifteen minutes, I’m going to throw up. Not intentionally. My body just doesn’t react right to anything being in my system. Subconsciously, it makes me sick. If I take this, you can’t let me throw it up.”

Jaime’s brow furrowed and I saw the worry etch in. “I’ll try my best.”

I reached for the pill only to close my fist and draw back at the last second. Sweat was coating my body and I already felt nauseas. But I’d come this far. I wanted to live.

“Okay.” I snatched the pill and water from the table and popped it in my mouth as fast as I could. The water washed away the taste and I cringed as I sat the glass back down. Faster, my heart began racing. It joined in with the tremors that left me twitchy. Fuck, I had to get control of myself.

“Let go for a walk.”

“A walk?”

“The fresh air will do you good.”

Jaime led me down the stairs and toward a hallway I had never been down before. “Are these extra bedrooms?”

Multiple doors littered both sides and he nodded, taking out his keys to open one. “Some are bedrooms, others are used for entertainment. Or used to be. They’re not really anymore.”

A pool table stood in the middle of a large, elegantly decorated room. I tried to get a better view, but he quickly closed the door, relocking it as we walked deeper toward the back.

“What’s that one?” My finger pointed toward a door at the end.

“Oh, that one? It’s just a storage closet. It holds extra cleaning supplies for when we run out of the main stuff. Paper towels, toilet paper, tooth brushes. Things like that.

We got to the back and Jaime pulled my face into his chest, blocking my view as he punched in a code to the alarm system. The beautiful garden area nearly stopped me in my tracks as we exited the house. There was a fire pit and sitting area surrounded by different levels of flower beds not feet away, and a gazebo so far back through the trees I could barely see it. 

“This is beautiful.”

“Isn’t it? I come out here sometimes when I’m free. Which isn’t too often.” He threw me a grin and laced his fingers through mine, leading me forward. Concern had me stopping him.

“What about this makes you continue? I know you’ve been where I am. You told me that, but why live your life this way? Didn’t you ever want a family or something more than taking care of suicidal people?”

“Oh, slave. You have a lot to learn about me. I’ve always been so much better at helping. My life, it isn’t for just anyone. Truthfully, I never thought I’d even have what we share. You do something to me that no one’s done before.
You make me feel.
  To see others find happiness was the closest I ever got to experiencing the emotion. That made me happy.”

“Will you continue this after you’re done with me?”

“Done? What makes you think there’s an end?”

My head cocked to the side as I tried to process his meaning. “There has to be end. I mean, I’m not going to be suicidal forever.”

“No, but that doesn’t mean we end. Slave,” He paused, shifting as he stared down at me. “What is it you think is happening between us? Do you assume I’m just using you? That when you get better, I’m going to discard you? Monitor you from afar?”

“Well … no. I do have concerns if this doesn’t go according to what we both want, but truthfully I’m trying not to think that way. What I meant was if you’d continue your duties after you help fix me.”

“Oh.” A smile broke onto his face and my stomach dropped as he stepped in to hold me. Anxiety exploded out of nowhere and I quickly rushed back, slamming my hand over my mouth as pressure pushed against my throat. “No.” Jaime’s head shook back and forth, full of authority. “You throw up that pill and I’ll put you over my knee. You won’t be able to sit for a week.”

“I can’t stop it.”

“You can and you will.”

My eyes darted around the yard as panic reached levels I’d never experienced before. The ground was beginning to feel uneven under my feet and it wasn’t seconds before sweat began to drench my skin.

“Lydia, look at me.”

“I don’t feel good. I’m not good with this.” All I could do was repeat the words as I reached out before me so I wouldn’t fall from the odd episode. My mind … it wasn’t right. I was could feel myself coming under the influence, and the realization that I wasn’t in control for the first time in years left me spinning even more. I was drugged, just like back then.

Quickly, I walked, feeling as though I was stumbling over my feet. I had to get this pill out of me. Or at least whatever was left of it.
If there even was anything remaining. Maybe it was too late.

“This way.” Jaime’s grip was tight as his hand locked around my bicep and led me in the opposite direction. The distraction and hold had me flailing to try to get away. Hysteria was only seconds away. Why had I been so stupid to take something?

“Nope. Not going to happen. Right here, look at me.” Fingers dug into my face as Jaime forced me to meet his eyes. “I wasn’t playing about you not sitting for a week if you get sick. What you’re going through, it’s not real. It’s a panic attack and I’ve seen it countless times. Fight the fear. Fight for us. You need this. Without the medication, you’ll be right back where you were when I found you. I can’t fix that part of you, slave. This is not grief or pain you can overcome. What you have is a chemical imbalance, and a pretty fucking bad one. You
have
to take these pills. There’s no way around it if you want to live. Now look at me. Deep breaths.”

Air filled my lungs, only to be broken by a sob. The more I tried to breathe, the harder it became. Faster, I inhaled. Jaime’s face drew in and I knew there was nothing he could do for me. I was broken. This wasn’t going to work.

“Let’s walk. I’m going to tell you a story.”

He pointed further down the path toward the gazebo and relief filled me as he let go of me completely. Control. I could walk as fast as I wanted. I could run if the need was there.

“When I was in college, I was going to try to kill myself. I spent my life not understanding why I was so different than everyone else. You watch the world like you’re looking through a foggy window. Nothing makes sense. You learn to fake emotions. You try your hardest to fit in. But it’s not the same. I got so good at pretending. People naturally flocked to me, but I couldn’t handle the socialization. I’d get invited to parties, and the girls were always knocking on my door.” He turned to look at me. “I just couldn’t pretend anymore.”

“I started going to these meetings for people who survived or teased the thought of suicide. Even then, surrounded by strangers going through what I was, I felt alone. Being the person I am, I decided to give the class one more try. The gun in my pocket wasn’t going anywhere and even as I sat through the class, I knew my fate. I left that room with every intention to end it all. One minute I was walking up to my car, the next … pain, and then darkness.”

“What happened?”

The corner of Jaime’s mouth pulled back into a smile. His fingers slid through mine and I didn’t fight the hold as I let him take me into the gazebo.

“I woke up here, strapped to a chair. My head felt ready to explode and I had one hell of a concussion. Sevastian knew. I’d seen him at the meetings, but he never told his story. He was like me, quiet, listening to others talk. He knocked me unconscious and he kept me here for a very long time. He did things to me that you wouldn’t believe. He broke me down so far that I prayed for death.

“But after a few weeks something happened. I began to fight. I fought for things I’d taken for granted … like light so I could see. I fought for food, for water. And then the videos began and I fought some more. We clashed for a very long time, yet all the while, we formed a bond that goes beyond friendship. Sevastian saved me when I don’t think anyone else could have. He saw potential. I think in a way, he saw himself. He’s a lot like me—sociopathic, sadistic … yet kind.”

Jaime sat and I followed, sitting next to him. The anxiety was lessoning, but only because of the fog taking over. I was calming. I was medicated.

“Sevastian was my Master. He made me better. Hell, he made me more than better. He set me up with an apartment while I went back to school. He gave me my job. But he made me earn everything. Aside from giving people a better life, he doesn’t give anything for free. Everything has a price. With him, it’s charity.”

“Charity? I don’t understand.”

“Most don’t at first. It’s all in the lessons. You see, life isn’t something to take for granted. It’s to be cherished. To help others when you don’t have to. We’re all going through hell here, slave. If we can offer kindness when no one else will, shouldn’t we? Think about it. Who knows hardship more than us?”

My eyes lowered to the wooden floor. “Ms Jo. Is she my lesson? Is she having a hard time?”

Master brought my hand up, kissing against my fingers. “She could use someone caring like you. Ms Jo is one of the kindest women I know. She’s a giver. She’s always helping others, but she’s alone. And she was sick for a while.”

“Sick?”

“Yes. She had cancer. She’s in complete remission now. The cancer is gone, but she needs someone. Someone like you while she continues to heal and grow stronger.”

My eyes widened and tears gathered, but they didn’t fall. Thoughts tried to collect and I fought through the medication to decipher what he was saying. He wanted me to befriend a sick woman? What if the cancer returned? It was known to happen. And, what if she died? Wasn’t that a double-edged sword? Who was to say things wouldn’t backfire and bring me down? What if it made me suicidal again? I didn’t take well to the illness or death of friends and loved ones.

“Look at me.” Jaime’s finger slid down my cheek, drawing my attention. “We sacrifice and we help. We’re stronger than most. We’ve hit rock bottom and we’ve pulled through. Never doubt your ability to heal after the worst. Ms Jo needs someone and I don’t know about you, but I don’t think it’s fair to leave her alone in her time of need. I know you’re worried about something bad happening, but aren’t you willing to look past that if it helps her now? If it makes her happy?

“Of course,” I whispered.

“Good girl. I knew you’d do the right thing. How are you? Better now?”

Nodding took effort and I suddenly just wanted to lie down and sleep. “I’m getting really tired.”

“Tired? We’ll see how the next few days go. If it continues, we’ll probably have to have the doctor lower the dose. It’s part of the process. Nothing to worry about at all. You’re doing great. I’m so proud of you for taking this step to make yourself better.”

My stare jerked over and I couldn’t hide the surprise. “I don’t think I’ve heard those words since I was a girl.”

“What? That I’m proud of you?”

“Yeah.” My hand rose to fit over my heart. The beats were suddenly pronounced and I wasn’t sure why. “It feels good to hear praise. Really good, I think. Thank you.”

Jaime smiled, brushing back the hair from my face.

“Don’t thank me. You did this. You were very brave today and you need to know what a meaningful step you’ve taken. For that, I couldn’t be happier. What you’ve shown me without saying anything at all, there are no words for that. And that smile. God, that smile is beautiful.”

Smile? I
was
smiling, and it wasn’t forced or even done consciously.

“We’re going to be okay, I can feel it. This is going to work.”

I leaned forward, pressing my lips into my Master’s. “Do you really want a future with me?”

“More than anything.”