Insufferable: A Dark Erotic Romance (15 page)

Chapter 24

Jaime

“Getting kind of late to call, don’t you think?”

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath at Sevastian’s tone. “Lydia didn’t have a good reaction to the medication. It was touch and go there for a while, but she’s doing better now that’s it’s kicking in. She finally fell asleep.”

“In your bed?”

“Don’t.”

“What the hell is going on with you, Jaime? This is exactly what I was worried about. You’re off the path. You know better than this. Are you prepared for the consequences if you mess this up?”

I glanced at the monitor, taking in Lydia’s curled shape through the blankets. She hadn’t wanted to sleep in her bed and I almost didn’t make her. I didn’t even want to think about the rejection that masked her face when I told her no to making love. It nearly killed me to turn my back to her and leave.

“I’m not going to mess this up. I have everything under control. You’re right, I shouldn’t have taken her into the city so soon, but you wouldn’t understand unless you were here. She hasn’t tried to take her life once since she’s been in my care. Cutting, yes. That I’ll have to watch for, but nothing worse than that.”

“
Yet.
I know her type, Jaime. Carl was the same way. I thought he was okay, but he snapped on the last test. We both know how that went down.”

“Carl didn’t go the medication route; he went the therapist route. Lydia is medicated now. On top of what I’ve seen from her already, I really don’t think she’ll attempt to take her own life.”

“She jumped off a fucking cliff and took you with her! How many times do I have to remind you of that? Stop blocking out the truth. She’s capable.”

My head shook angrily. “You don’t understand. That was before. She’s better now.”

“Before what? Before she met you? Before she grew feelings for you, too? Don’t tell me you’re going to be that stupid. You know how this works.”

“She’s
medicated
. She has me. I am more than capable of taking care of her. I watch and hear everything. Her moods, her sighs. Hell, I take in the tone of her voice just to calculate her state of mind. I’m on top of this.”

“I don’t know, Jaime. I don’t have a good feeling.”

“Because you haven’t seen her these last few weeks. You don’t even know her. What happened to trusting me? I’m asking you for that. Believe that I can help her. If …” I stared at the screen, not able to find my voice as I went over what I was going to say. Fuck, it made me sick. “If something happens, that is on me. Not you. And if you think I’m going to risk losing her, you don’t know me at all.”

Silence filled the phone, followed by footsteps on the other end.

“You love her.”

“I do.”

“And does she love you?”

I paused, seeing flashes of us together. “I don’t know. I think she does.”

“She hasn’t told you.”

“And I haven’t told her. I’m not rushing this, Sevastian.”

“But you’re sleeping with her?”

“Don’t go there with me. You’re no more innocent than I am.”

“That may be true, but I knew when to step back and let someone else take over. Can you do the same?”

God dammit.
I knew this was coming.

“If Lydia gets that bad, then yes, I will step back. But it’s not going to happen. She’ll be fine now that she’s on the pills.”

“Like you were?”

I growled, pushing from the chair to stand. “Lydia is not like me. Our minds are completely different
.
She feels. She feels too damn much. They won’t have the same effect they had on me. She’ll be fine taking them. If not, we’ll try a different kind.”

“You tried four.
Four
, Jaime. The last nearly made you kill yourself. Are you one hundred percent positive that you have a handle on this, because if you have a shadow of a doubt in your mind, you have to step back and let me take over. Don’t be stubborn. Do it for her.”

I paced, running my fingers through my hair. I didn’t want to think about if the medication didn’t work. I couldn’t. He was right and that was my biggest fear. What if this backfired? What if I couldn’t make her better? Sure,
I
had pulled through, but not everyone was me. Some just couldn’t be saved.

“I’ll call if I need to.”

I hung up the phone, stalking back to the screen. The racing of my heart wouldn’t slow. My eyes darted to the adjoining door, only to come back to the monitor. I wanted to go to her. To feel her in my arms while she slept. To whisper to her that everything was going to be alright. But would it, or was I just deluding myself? We were only on day one with the medication. Anything could happen.

  The phone rang and my fist clenched around the damn thing. I answered, heading straight for the study downstairs. I needed a drink. Multiple ones.

“You’re getting real good at hanging up before I’m finished.”

“We
were
finished. I wasn’t aware there was anything left to say.”

My hand was shaking as I filled the glass a quarter of the way and tossed back the contents. The burn was exactly what I needed. It warmed its way down, heating my stomach as I poured another.

“There’s plenty left to be said. As it is, Diane is giving me the death glare so I’ll make this short. Dinner. We’ll come to you.”

“When?”

“Three nights from now. We’ll let the pills sink in and I can see how she’s acting, myself. I’m telling you now, if I get any red flags, you’re bringing Diane back here and you’ll stay at your penthouse until I’m finished. No arguing, not a word. You will tell her what you both shared was a mistake and you will leave making her think it’s over for the two of you. I don’t care if she’s kicking and screaming for you to change your mind and stay. You will walk out of that door and not look back until I say it’s time.”

I tossed another drink back, pouring a replacement.

“Don’t ask me to do that, Sevastian.”

“You say you love her. Prove it. Make the ultimate sacrifice in her name.”

My head wouldn’t stop shaking. “I gave her my word I would be by her side the entire time.
My word.
That means something to me. It means something to her.”

“Is her life not worth breaking trust? You can earn it back. Lydia won’t be rising from the dead if she snaps and finally finishes herself off. Then where will you be? I’ll tell you. Without her, but permanently. Not a few weeks or months like it will take me to make her better. Forever, brother.”

“And if she doesn’t get better with you? If she gets worse?”

He sighed. “I’ve never not been able to save someone, Jaime.”

“Me, either. But say this time you can’t. What then?”

The hesitation had me throwing back another shot.

“We’ll cross that road when we get there.”

I cursed under my breath. “You’ll have her committed. I know you.”

“Jaime, don’t do this.”

“No, let’s, Sevastian. You’re afraid Lydia is going to hurt me. If you can’t fix her, you have no intention of letting us be together. Admit it. Lay it out to me straight, right here and now.”

Silence.

“I can’t let you go through that. You don’t ever want to find Lydia that way. It’ll ruin you.

“Isn’t that for me to decide?” The words were gritted through my clenched teeth. Scenarios rushed through my head and there was nothing I could do to stop them. Did I run away with her? Leave here and try to help her, myself?

“Jaime, listen to me. I saved you once. I don’t ever want to see you like that again. Trust me when I say that’s exactly where we’ll be if this goes down like I fear. I’m trying to spare you the pain.”

“Don’t. This is one thing I will not bend on. If you feel I’m incapable of helping her my way, fine. I’ll give you your chance. But don’t for one second think you’re going to keep her away from me if she gets worse under your care. I won’t let you.”

Silence.

“See you in three days, Jaime.”

I hung up the phone, slamming back another drink. My lids lowered and I glared toward the door, only one thing on my mind. I’d go to her, but just for tonight. Tomorrow things would change. Tomorrow … I’d break both of our hearts.

Chapter 25

Lydia

There was no other way to put it. I was crushed.

You couldn’t help who you loved, but you could choose whether or not the person knew the extent of the truth.

I had gone too far in expressing my emotions for Jaime. It was a big mistake. It had completely changed my path and although that part was good, I couldn’t overlook the way he now viewed me
—
as nothing. He was suddenly night and day.
I had let on to my true feelings in the gazebo by showing excitement at him saying he wanted me in his future. I couldn’t take that back. All I could do now was try to correct my mistake. If he knew the entire truth, it could be a devil’s trap to evil thing inside me called love.

Kiss you? What do you think this is, a fucking honeymooning hotel? Get dressed, you have lessons.

Had I deluded myself so much? The stranger I had tried to wake up in my bed doused my veins with pure ice water with the coldness of his words. I had obeyed his order to dress, but my submission hadn’t lasted long. In response to his withdrawing came my anger. An anger so great, I wasn’t sure where it was coming from. In my depression, I had mainly felt sadness when triggered. This was different. This emotion building within me was new and a bomb just waiting to go off.

Whack!

“It’s a simple question. I don’t see why you can’t answer. Who is your Master?”

My eyes squeezed shut at the stinging and I clenched my fists tighter at what I knew was going to follow my answer. “It
was
you, but I can’t address you like that. Not when you’re treating me as you are.

Whack!

“Slave.”

“Don’t,
slave,
me. If you want the title, you’ll have to earn it back.”

Whack! Whack!

My body seized at the fire racing over my ass from the flogger. Holding in my tears was almost impossible. Confusion was fucking with my head. I was getting fuzzy again from the pill he’d convinced me to take when I awoke.

“Is this how it’s going to be? I deny you my cock and you forget everything you know?”

“I forget nothing. If you don’t like me this way, you can blame yourself. I don’t take orders from assholes.”

“You have before.”

My body went rigid as the men of my past flashed before my eyes. I couldn’t believe Jaime would stoop so low. After everything we shared over the last few weeks? Did I imagine the feelings he supposedly had? Only yesterday he said he wanted me in his future. Now, all of a sudden this? Did he know what I’d done? He had to know.

“Say it. Who is the Master and who is the slave?”

“No.”

Whack!

“We’re wasting time, pet. If you hadn’t messed up by not addressing me correctly, we wouldn’t be here. We would be moving on with the lesson. Now stop being stubborn and answer correctly.”

My silence brought another lash, and then two. Tears blinded my eyes, but not from the physical pain. He couldn’t know. If he did, he would have said something and my routine would have stopped so I could be punished. Since it couldn’t be that… Right. I was a fool not see this coming. He had been playing me just to get me to take the pills. Now that he’d succeeded, I was no one to him?

“I can do this all day, pet.”

“So can I.”

Whack! Whack! Whack!

Air, a scream, nothing would come as I fought to escape the pain that seemed to suck the very soul from my body. When oxygen finally returned, a sob exploded from my throat.

“Enough of this. Say it!”

Jaime’s voice cracked and his pacing footsteps left me trying to follow his movements as the cries left me.

“You’re a b-bastard and I am n-not your slave.”

“God dammit.
Just say it
.”

“No!”

Whack! Whack!

The fire along my thigh left me jerking against the bonds wildly. Jaime was walking again, headed back to the tools off to the side. I watched his movements, feeling the rage fade at the expression on his face. So much … remorse? His features were drawn in, almost as if he didn’t want to do this.

“W-why? What happened? Did I do something wrong for you to be so m-mad at me?”

“The only thing pissing me off is the fact that you won’t say what we both know to be true.”

My head shook. “This morning when I woke you up, something was different. Something changed for you. What did I do? I deserve to know.”

He grabbed something similar to the flogger, but instead of leather, the end looked like horse hair. It sent my pulse hammering at not knowing the difference between the two, but I couldn’t focus on that. He was coming back—getting into position behind me. I hated not being able to see him.

“Please tell me what I did.”

“Say what I want to hear and I may let you in on a secret.”

An aggravated sound left me as I battled right and wrong. I couldn’t give in to him when he had started this. My pride refused to let me bow to his demands.

“Tell me first.”

Whack!

My mouth opened as the strands swiped down my back. The sensation was completely different than what I expected. Where I thought it would be softer, it was anything but. It didn’t compare to the flogger. The weight wasn’t there like with the leather and the stinging was a million times worse.

“Say
I’m sorry Master
and we will continue on to your lesson.”

“Tell m-me why.”

Whack! Whack!

Before I could recover from the seize of agony, Jaime’s body was crushing into mine. For seconds he didn’t do anything but hold me as I cried. “Last chance. If you don’t say it, I turn this wet dream into a fucking nightmare.”

“You don’t want to do this. This isn’t you.”

“Wrong. I’m really a monster. I’m getting more pleasure out of this than you know. Say it or don’t, my battle has nothing to do with your pain and everything to do with not fucking your brains out while I’m inflicting it.”

I blinked past the words, hating how I became wet. I should have despised him for his brutal honesty, for his treatment, but I loved him despite what he was doing. And the pain …something about the intensity was releasing that need within me. The one that relied on the cutting.

“Keep your dick away from me.”

“No promises. You ready to say what I want to hear or are we going to continue?”

“You can’t hurt me any worse than life already has, but go ahead and try. Start this new chapter out like all the rest.
Fucking regret
.”

He growled, moving closer. “You’re bringing this on yourself. It could so easily end if you wanted it to. That only tells me you don’t want me to stop. Is that the real truth? Perhaps I didn’t go hard enough last time we were here?” His voice lowered to a whisper and I held my breath as he tugged at my earlobe with his teeth. “I think you’re enjoying this punishment. Maybe I should see.”

Jaime’s fingers dug into my hip. Where I expected him to dip between my legs to check for himself, he didn’t move. The rejection sparked inside of me again and I hated that I even wanted him to. His behavior was deplorable, but hadn’t I seen this side of him before? Something was definitely not right.

“Tell me, how wet are you? Are you dying for me to touch your pussy? I bet you are. I bet you’re internally begging for me to fuck you.”

“I wouldn’t consent if you got on your knees and begged me for forgiveness.”

His chuckle shook my body, making the tears reappear through the aggravation.

“I think you would consent in a heartbeat. Do you know what else I think?” I sniffled, staring ahead while he slid his hand to my lower stomach. “I think I could have you screaming out
Master
in no time if I only gave you what you really wanted.”

“Get off of me and get to work. Don’t you have some torturing to do?”

“Sweet torture, slave. You love this.” His other arm hooked over my opposite shoulder while he hugged himself to me. “Do you know what else I think you love?”

“Freedom?”

“No.
Me
.”

Defensiveness had me trying to buck him off. Was I so easy to read? “You think I could love someone like you? Take a long, hard look at what an ass you’re being. At what you’ve done to me.
I don’t love you
. I could never love someone like you!”

Silence.

“Smart girl. Maybe if you ever make it out of here, you can find someone that will make you happy. Us, we were nothing but a tragedy in the making. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Wetness finally gave way to race down my cheeks. Everything had been a lie. Jaime never felt anything for me. There was no emotion. No hint of anything to convince me that he wasn’t telling the truth. For that, I was done. All I wanted was to leave this mansion. To be free of the one man who’d managed to crush me more than life itself.

“Master, I wish to do my lessons now.”