Insufferable: A Dark Erotic Romance (17 page)

“I’m sorry. I promise it won’t happen again. I won’t lie. I won’t cut. Don’t leave.”

“Back in your room.”

“Master, please! I didn’t plan to use the razor. I just wanted it there to help with the anxiety, but then you—”

“In the room!”

The roar of my voice had her skittering back. I knew she was sorry, but it was the addict talking. The one who took comfort in what she knew—in the familiarity she’d grown to build here. It wasn’t me she was crying over. I quickly pushed away the inner voice that suggested it was.  

I took one last look at Lydia, memorizing the face I’d come to love. Those big blue eyes, her thin nose and full lips. She was perfect. Perfectly broken in ways Sevastian may never be able to fix.

“I wish you the best. I really do. Have a good a life, Lydia.”

“No. Master, please. I’m sorry. I …
l-love you
.”

Faster the tears came and I watched as the sobs brought her crashing to her knees. For the first time in my life, my eyes burned with more than just lack of sleep. My heart was literally being ripped to pieces and there was nothing I could do about it.

“Love, yourself. You’re very loveable, I promise.” Inch by inch I watched her disappear as the barrier drew closer toward me. The click from the knob signified everything I had, and everything I had lost.

Chapter 27

Lydia

“The rules are pretty much the same as Jaime’s. I am your Master and you will address me as such. You will have lessons you will complete if you want to make it out of here. If you fail to complete them, there will be consequences. You will continue your medication and in light of your newest episode, you will be meeting with a therapist who specializes in self harm. She will be here first thing on Mondays and Fridays. For an hour you will comply with whatever she asks, and afterward she will check your body and
mouth
for cuts. If you do not comply, you will be dealt with accordingly. Do you understand?”

I stole a glance up at Sevastian and nodded. His voice was deeper than Jaime’s and although I couldn’t read him, I could feel his anger toward me. “Yes, Master.”

“Good. Do you have any questions before your first lesson?”

I shifted, trying to ignore the way the hard wood was taking a toll on my knees. “Is my Mast—” I paused. “Is Jaime okay? I didn’t mean to … his behavior, he … I wasn’t thinking.”

I was all over the place as I tried to express my worry. He’d been so mean. So unlike himself. I fucked up with the razorblade. I messed up taking it to begin with. I tried to tell myself I was stronger than the addict who resided in me, but it had been there when I entered the shower and my addiction won, regardless that I hadn’t wanted to give in.

“Jaime is fine. He leaves for Hong Kong in two days. He’ll be there for a few months on business.”

“Hong Kong?”

Sevastian’s eyes narrowed as he stepped closer. “That’s right. Not that it’s any business of yours. To you, Jaime doesn’t exist anymore. Whatever you think the two of you shared, I assure you were under the wrong impression.”

“I love him,” I whispered.

“Is that right? Do you usually lie to people you love?”

Stinging blurred my vision as I let my eyes drop from his face. “No. I messed up. I had no plan on using the razorblade, I just wanted it there to help ease the anxiety. It was a mistake, I see that now. I tried to explain. I … We talked about a future. I don’t understand. I thought maybe—”

“He doesn’t love you, slave. I made sure to assess his feelings toward you before he left last night. You’re wasting your time even pondering the question. The only thing you need to focus on is you and what you plan to do when you leave here, assuming you’ve chosen to live.”

I forced the tears away, swallowing back the closing sensation in my throat. “I want to live.”

“If you say so.”

“You don’t believe me?”

My new master shrugged. “I don’t know. I suppose if you wanted to kill yourself, you would have sliced your wrists instead of your tongue, but you say you love Jaime. Perhaps latching onto him prevented your real urges. Let’s find out, shall we? He’s gone now for good. Here.”

Sevastian withdrew a razorblade from his pocket, extending his hand toward me.

“Go ahead. Take it. Let’s see what part of your body you cut first.”

Temptation almost had me flying forward, but I held my position. The blade was security, but it wasn’t my savior. It was the enemy.

“No, thank you.”

“You sure? This is a one-time get out of jail free card.”

“No, thank you. I told you, I don’t want to die.”

The razorblade bounced on the wooden floor before me at his toss. For the life of me, I couldn’t tear my eyes from the dull silver. “But you want to cut again, don’t you?”

With shaky hands I picked it up, staring at what had ruled my life for as long as I could remember. I could cut myself before he wrestled it away. And he surely would. But the appeal wasn’t there. All I could see was Jaime’s face—his panic and then his anger toward me at my deceit.

“No.” My hand lifted and my new Master’s eyes pierced mine as he took it back.

“Your loss.” The razor was slid back into his pocket while he pointed toward the stairs. “Lesson time. Go upstairs and put on an outfit from your bottom door. Jaime had you running today. You’ll do as was planned.”

I winced at the pain shooting through my knees as I stood. My new Master followed me to the stairs, pulling out his keys as we neared the top.

“I have to run?”

“That’s right. You know all about running from things, so get dressed. Shoes are in the closet. Jaime would have prepared for this part so I’m sure they’ll fit.”

I walked into room and the door instantly shut and locked behind me. I didn’t hesitate to follow his orders. Sevastian wasn’t my friend. He wasn’t going to take it easy on me for a second and I wasn’t going to give him an excuse to punish me with what I knew was downstairs. He wasn’t Jaime. I wouldn’t enjoy his pain.

Workout clothes lined the bottom drawer and I took out an outfit, rushing to put it on so I could cover myself.  When I made it to the closet, my eyes rolled at the Velcro shoes. Of course, no shoe strings. They thought of everything. I grabbed a white pair, bringing them back to the room to put on. By the time I stood, Sevastian was reopening the door. The sharp suit he wore was gone, replaced with a pair of jogging pants and a fitted white T-shirt. He didn’t say a word as I walked forward and followed him back down the stairs. When we passed the cleaning closet, I couldn’t stop the emotions that nearly knocked me over.

What had I done? One bad day with Jaime, one change in his behavior, and I resorted to old habits? What if that was the test and I failed? He had treasured me. When his attention was on me, I felt worshipped. The way he took his time on pleasuring me. The way he kissed me. Test? Maybe not. I couldn’t see him truly leaving if I failed at taking to his distancing behavior. It
had
to be the commitment issues. I had only sealed the deal by showing him that I was too unstable to control.

“There’s a running path that circles the estate. Every day from here on out, we will run. It will be your best friend and your worst enemy. Best embrace it now. It’s going to be the one constant in your life until you leave.”

We took a wide circle around the garden until we came to what looked like a professional track. Sevastian lunged, stretching his legs. Awkwardly, I followed his actions. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d stretched, more or less attempted to run. The dread increased with every minute. I stole a glance at Sevastian, noticing he was watching me. His expression was unreadable, which didn’t surprise me. He was impossible to figure out and truth was, I was too afraid to even try.

“Let’s go. Nothing rushed. Keep it steady. We have a long way to go.”

“Yes, Master.”

My tone was quiet as I took off in a jog. The track seemed to go on forever and this was only one side. I couldn’t imagine the true distance, or that I’d even make it half way. I was far from being in shape.

“Slow your breathing. Take in the air through your nose, not your mouth.
And relax
. Don’t think of this as a race. All we have is time.”

I obeyed, letting myself get lost in my thoughts as we began to cover the distance. Trees were placed sporadically throughout the open yard and although it was beautiful, I only saw one thing—the gazebo off to the side. Jaime and I had a moment there. A decision on a future.

I tore my eyes away as it faded behind us. Within minutes my lungs burned, but I tried forcing it away as Sevastian began to talk.

“You’ve worked a lot of odd jobs, but you have an associate’s degree in accounting. You got it while being married and working for your ex-husband. Why have you never used it outside of his construction company?”

I tried catching my breath to answer, but my lungs were on fire. I wiped the sweat off my face, swallowing passed the dryness.

“Guess it reminded me of too many bad memories.”

“Of your addiction, or Phillip?”

“Both?”

He nodded, glancing back to the front before turning to me again. “You say you want to live. What will do you if you make it through the lessons? You can’t leave without a path. It’s probably best to start thinking about one now.”

“Are there restrictions on what I can do?”

“There are. If you choose to work instead of going back to school full-time, your job has to be dependable. A career and not a stepping stone to get you out of my door. You’ll sign a contract with me assuring you understand. We’re talking a six month minimum before you can think about quitting and finding something new. You’ll choose one charity to volunteer at once a week. For you … the medication and therapist visits will continue indefinitely. If you break my contract, you come back. It’s that simple.”

“The medication I can see, but a therapist, indefinitely?”

“Unless a doctor says otherwise, yes.”

We rounded the first turn, taking us along the back of the estate when I stumbled to a stop and doubled over trying to breathe. Not only were my legs and lungs dead, my head was spinning with the reality of this new life.

“You mentioned school.”

“Stand up. There’s no stopping unless you’re sick. Even afterward, you’ll keep running. Let’s go.”

I groaned, but I forced my heavy legs forward.

“If you decide you want to go back to school, I will help you. But with that route, there are still things I expect.”

“Like?”

“Your GPA. It will have to be above average. If you want to further your education, I expect you to give it everything you’ve got. School will be your life. It will take every ounce of dedication you have. I don’t merely want you to pass, I want you to excel. To push the boundaries of your mind and do more than just learn. Jaime was an exceptional student. Perfect GPA. And his hard work paid off. He was the best investment business-wise that I ever made. Friendship-wise too.” Sevastian’s eyes cut over to me. “He’s my best friend and like a brother to me. Best to remember that for future reference as well. Stay away from him.”

Chapter 28

Sevastian

“How is she?”

The sadness in Jaime’s tone couldn’t be mistaken. Lydia glanced in my direction, but turned back to the psychology book she was reading. I stood and walked to the far end of the study, keeping my voice down.

“Hard to say. She’s been working really hard. She busts her ass in whatever I throw her way. We run in the mornings, she’s on top of her medication before I even have to mention it, and right now she’s reading up on psychology. She’s considering going back to school.”

“Really? Wow, I’m gone a week and she’s really stepping up.” He paused. “Has she asked about me? I was horrible to her before I left. She must hate me.”

I frowned, leaning against the wall. “She doesn’t hate you. We talk about you from time to time, but she knows better than to try to contact you when this is over. And I don’t think she’s stepping it up because of me. I’m going by your schedule and lessons. You would have gotten here with her yourself had things played out differently.”

“Maybe.”

“Jaime, you would have. Listen, you did the right thing. This is for the best. In time if things are meant to be they’ll work out.”

“I don’t think they will. She’ll find her strength and move on. Probably find an amazing guy and settle down. That’s all she really wants—a family. She’s had a hard life.”

“I’ve heard.”

Lydia shifted, stealing a glance back up to me. I had no doubt she knew who I was talking to. Such sadness between both of them. I knew that feeling. I’d been where they were. It damn near killed me when I turned my back on Diane, but it had been for the best. She had gotten better and now we were happier than ever. Soon we’d be getting married and planning a family of our own. The thought was enough to scare the shit out of me, but the vasovasostomy was done months ago. My vasectomy was reversed and all we were waiting on was the right time. As much as it frightened me at the thought of losing another child, or even Diane, she was having a harder time battling what she wanted and what she feared. Not only had she lost her little girl, but her husband, too, to a drunk driver. The healing we’d both undergone during our relationship opened our eyes to life, not death, and it was the only reason we were keeping our options open.

“Where does she think I am? I know you didn’t tell her I was still here.”

“Nope. You’re supposedly in Hong Kong on a business trip. You’ll be there for the next few months. That’ll buy some time for her to focus on herself. And you, you might want to do the same.”

“The only thing I’m going to be doing is working and coming up with a plan to fix the mess I’ve caused. It’s going to have to be big. Something better than a
, I’m sorry I tried to break you and then got mad when you did crumble in front of me; will you give me a second chance,
speech.

A smile pulled at my lips as I tried not to laugh. “Yeah, it’s going to have to be a lot better than that. She’s stronger than I thought. She has a good head on her shoulders. She just needs direction and a hell of a confidence booster.
If
things go to plan. I’m not entirely sure her swan dive off the cliff was a one-time thing.”

“The medication will do its job. She’ll be okay.”

“This is the first week, Jaime. Let’s see how this plays out before we start looking more into the future. One day at a time.”

“Well, the days can’t pass fast enough. How long are you thinking for her?”

“Honestly?” I twisted my mouth as I studied Lydia. She was deep into reading, or appeared to be. “I might have Randle stay with her while I go on my honeymoon. He’s learning, but I think he’ll be okay.”

“Absolutely not.”

My eyebrow rose and I turned to face the far wall. “And why not?”

“He’s not ready. If you need someone to step in at that point, it will be me.”

“No. It will be Randle.”

“Dammit, Sevastian, I can’t allow that. He’s made mistakes. Like I said, he’s not ready. Besides, I trust no one but you.”

I pushed from the wall, sighing as I headed for the bar. “We still have time. We’ll talk over it later. How’s Diane? You’ve been keep a good eye on her, right?”

“I’m sleeping in your guest bedroom instead of staying at my penthouse. Of course I am. You asked me to take care of her and I promised I would. She doesn’t go anywhere without me.”

“So then how is she?”

Jaime paused. “She’s a little tired, now that I think about it, but we’ve been running all around getting everything together for the wedding. In two hours we go for cake testing. Do you have a preference or am I good to pick what I like?”

I laughed, filling the glass. “You like whatever Diane likes. If she prefers one over the other, so do you. This is her big day, and truthfully, I’m not really a cake person. Cookies, I won’t budge on. Cake … it’s just cake.”

“Ah, I see. I’ll let her decide. But me, I love cake so I’m actually looking forward to this.”

“Well, you both have fun. Do me a favor and get her some flowers from me. Nice ones. She’s been really working hard lately. Tell her I miss her.”

“Will do. Take care of Lydia. I know she’s in good hands.”

“The best. Take care, Jaime.”

I hung up the phone, placing it in my pocket and picking up my glass. When I headed back to the chair, I felt Lydia’s eyes on me. I kept my attention on my destination, only looking at her when I took a seat.

“Find anything interesting?”

She shrugged, frowning. “I’m not sure this is for me.”

“You have time to decide.”

“Was that Jaime?”

I nodded, sipping my scotch.

“How’s Hong Kong?”

“Fine.”

At my lack of conversation, Lydia grew quiet and went back to scanning the pages. I took another drink, going over Jaime’s words. Diane, tired? I grabbed my phone, pulling open the text.

How are feeling, slave?

Seconds passed as I watched the dots blink while Diane wrote back.

I’m good. I miss you, Master. It’s been strange sleeping without you.

I smiled, glancing up at Lydia while my fingers typed away.
It has to be done. Jaime deserves this. I’m hoping it works out for them the way it did for us.

It will. She’ll pull through. Jaime loves her a lot. He talks about her almost nonstop. What about her? What do you think?

I don’t know yet,”
I typed
. So far so good, but you know how this works. Things can change in a moment’s notice.”

Very true.

Are you sure you’re feeling okay?

Just tired, but I caught a nap. I feel a lot better now. You don’t have to worry.

Hell if I didn’t. She was my life.

I’m glad you caught up on some sleep. I have to go, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I’ll text you later. I love you.

I love you more. Talk to you soon.

I slid the phone back in my pocket, returning to my glass. Silence seemed to go on forever. Lydia got up, changed books a few times, but she didn’t seem anymore settled on a path than when she started. When dinner time rolled around, we went through another nearly silent meal. Same went with her shower routine. It wasn’t until I was about to lock her in her room that she spoke.

“Your fiancée, she’s seems very nice. I overheard her that day at the café. She reads to sick children?”

My smile was automatic. “Yes. It was something she picked up on her path. She used to be a nurse.”

“I can see that. She has a big heart. What does she do now?”

“She writes children’s books.”

“Wow. That’s great. You love her, I can see that.”

“More than anything.”

Lydia nodded, throwing me a grin. “I’m happy for the both of you. You seem like good people. Jaime’s lucky to have you in his life.”

“We’re lucky to have him, too. You okay?”

Her head lowered. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

I took a step to the door, feeling that all too familiar unease creep in. It was probably nothing. I didn’t expect Lydia to attempt to harm herself, but being here like this was like riding a bike. My awareness heightened and I knew she was falling into a down mood. Her reality with me was taking its toll. The next few days would come to show how she reacted to that. It could go either way—good or bad. For both of their sakes, I prayed it made her stronger.