Insufferable: A Dark Erotic Romance (22 page)

Chapter 35

Lydia

“Sometimes it’s not about the easier way, dear, it’s about the better way. Jaime is just trying to do what’s best for you. He wants you to be stronger, like he said. And you...” She took a drink of her tea, her brow creasing before she continued. “You have been doing everything you can to better yourself. That’s why I know he’ll come back when he thinks you’re on your feet.”

“No.” My head shook. “It’s been weeks. Jaime and I just aren’t going to work, Ms Jo. I know you want us to, but I’m afraid that’s not going to happen. Jaime thinks I’m better off alone. Sevastian said he enables my weakness. Maybe it’s true. I can see why he wouldn’t want to be together if that was the case.”

“Until you’re well,” she argued. “I know Jaime. If he said he loves you, he means it.”

The conversation was one we had often. And not by my choice. Ms Jo was adamant about me and Jaime getting together. The more time that passed, the more desperate she seemed to become. Nothing I said could convince her and I was past the point of debating. It only reopened wounds I couldn’t bear to feel. Instead, I left it at what she thought and enjoyed our time together. Which was quickly becoming a necessity for me. I looked forward to our weekends and even hated leaving.

“How are you feeling? You look tired.”

Her hand waved through the air. “Nothing a nap won’t fix.”

At my eyebrow raising, she threw me a look.

“I’m old, I’m entitled. But I’m okay if you must know. Thank you.”

“Good.” I took a drink, studying the dark circles under her eyes. “I don’t have to be back to school until Monday. I can stay if you need any other help.”

“Stay, again? Surely you have something better else to do?”

“Better than playing cards? Are you kidding me? Not even close.”

I mirrored Ms Jo’s smile and she rose, pulling open the drawer. “If you insist, I’d love for you to stay. Loser makes lunch—the old way.”

“Old way?”

“That’s right,” she said shuffling. “I’ll tell you the main ingredient: chicken. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear that?”

“Chicken and dumplings? My mom used to make that a lot when I was little.”

She beamed. “I think that sounds like a good choice. You’ll make it from scratch when I beat you.”

“Scratch? But I don’t how. I can do it with canned biscuits.”

“It’s like what I said before. The easiest way isn’t always the better way, Lydia. I’ll teach you, just like I did with the cookies.”

I nodded, holding in the grin as I reached for the cards she was placing before me. To learn cooking from Ms Jo was quickly becoming one of my favorite things. It had me questioning pursuing a career in psychology. I wasn’t naïve to think I was any good at baking, or even cooking, but I had a passion to learn. And wasn’t that the important thing … passion? Sevastian seemed to think so. It was what he drilled into me since I had started school. I knew he wanted me to be happy, but I wasn’t sure I was with the path I had chosen.

“Have you ever thought about opening a bakery, Ms Jo?”

“I worked at one for fifteen years. Considered having my own, but life sometimes has a way of making choices for us. And that’s okay. I don’t regret the decision not to. Why do you ask?”

I glanced at my cards as she laid one of hers down to start a pile.

“Just wondering. Your cookies have won awards and you obviously enjoy doing it. I was just curious if the thought had ever crossed your mind.”

“I see. Are you questioning possible choices you’ve made for your own path?”

I placed a card on the pile, sighing. “Yeah. I was positive about the therapy route when I started, but the last few weeks, I’ve been having doubts. I like baking and cooking new things. It’s a therapy all in its own. It’s good for me. I think I’d enjoy doing that more than … helping people. Damn, that makes me sound selfish.”

“Not selfish. You have to do what’s best for you, dear. No one else can live your life for you. If you’re not happy, what is there?”

“Nothing.”

Silence took over as we took turns in our game. Like most times, my mind went back and forth on trying to decide the best route to take. And like those times, my Master’s words always echoed in my head.
You are whoever you want to be. Who do you want to be, slave?

Dammit, I was going to have to call Sevastian and talk to him about this. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted, but I had to be truthful that I was having major doubts. He’d want me to honest.

“I win. You cook.”

I looked from her empty hand, to the stack. My head shook as I glanced up at her smiling face. “Every time.”

Before she could respond, the landline echoed through the kitchen. “That must be Jaime. He said he’d call today.”

The aching emotion that flood through me had me watching her every move as she walked over and answered it. From the way she started to glow, I knew she’d been right.

“I was just telling Lydia it was probably you. How are you?”

Silence was accompanied with her happy expression fading from her face.

“Europe. Wow, you sure do get around. Any plans of coming back this way anytime soon? I was kind of hoping you were already home. Right.” She paused, heading over far enough to reach a barstool and sit down. “A few more months? Whatever for?”

Months?
I grabbed my purse, pulling out my phone so I could go through the messages to hide the sadness that I knew was etched all over my face.

“Oh. I see. No, we’re fine. I’m doing better than ever and Lydia is staying busy with school. She’s here on the weekends and we cook and play cards. It’d be nice if you were here to join us. I miss you, and I know Lydia—”

More silence.

“Alright. I’ll talk to you soon then.”

I glanced up, worried as I noticed Ms Jo’s face a little paler than usual. I put down my phone, standing. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” she said, throwing me a fake smile. “Jaime’s in Europe for business. Something about trying to get a new account. He thinks it’ll be a couple more months before he returns.”

Her words weren’t what led me forward to grab her arm. She was still pale and appeared a little off balance as she reached out to the stool. “He’ll come when he can. Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want me to get you some water or anything?”

“Water would be good. It’s almost lunch time. I need food and then I’ll be better. How about you get the chicken going and pass me a cookie. We’ll go from there.”

I helped her sit and almost hesitated in leaving her unattended, but Ms Jo wasn’t going to have me hovering. And I’d seen her this way before. I hated how weak she appeared at times. It was the new medication. The side effects weren’t very kind to her.

“Chocolate chip or oatmeal?”

“You know me better than that.”

Yes, I did. I filled the glass, opening the Tupperware she had the cookies stored in. I grabbed a chocolate chip, heading in her direction. When she began to chew and waved me away, I headed to get the chicken going. Arguing with her was like arguing with Jaime. She was stubborn, just like he was. It wasn’t going to get me anywhere with either of them. I learned that long ago.

What I also learned was Jaime wasn’t coming back to me. Not in the way I secretly hoped. But maybe I had already accepted the truth. I could still love him without having him. No one could take that away from me. The little hope I had harbored was gone with his call and although it hurt, I was used to the pain, now. Stronger because of it.

Chapter 36

Jaime

“Lydia’s thinking of going to go to culinary school? Really?”

Sevastian’s laugh echoed through the phone and I couldn’t stop the spark of pride from shooting through me. Lydia and my mother shared something special. Something that I loved more than anything. Not just for the cookies or good food I knew would come in the future, but the bond they had forged through friendship. Maybe even love. 

“Surprised me, too. I knew they spent a lot of time together, but I never realized how much she enjoyed the baking. Appears she does, a lot. I think she went on and on about the passion part of her choice for a good half hour before I finally got a word in.”

“My mom mentioned how Lydia had really taken to it. I just didn’t expect her to change her path because of it. I’m happy she did, though. I believe it’s a better choice for her.”

“You and me, both. I’m quite pleased by the decision. Your mother has been a great influence on Lydia, not that I didn’t think she wouldn’t be. Ms Jo is a great influence on us all.”

I nodded, staring out of the window at the hotel penthouse I was staying in. London was beautiful, but not as much as my slave’s face as I pictured how happy she must be in her new life. I’d seen that smile before when she’d taken the medication. She probably smiled like that all the time now. What I wouldn’t do to have a picture of it so I could see for myself.

“Thanks, boss. She’s a wonderful woman. How is my mother, by the way? When I talk to her, she says she’s fine. Have you happened to see her, lately?”

“I have. I stopped by the mansion to check on Randle last week and thought I’d visit her and Lydia. She looked great. Happier than ever, actually. They both look really good.”

I rose, smiling as I headed to the window. “I’m glad to hear it.”

“How are you doing, Jaime?
You
don’t sound very well.”

The lights of the city drew me in and I lowered my head to rest against the cool glass. Just acknowledging the ache I felt made the intensity increase. “I’m ready for this to be over. With what you tell me, I figure another month, maybe two.”

“One. You’ve done the right thing. She’ll be more than ready by then. If you wanted…” He hesitated. “I wouldn’t normally say to cut things short, but I trust Lydia is good now. If you wanted to come back early—”

“No.” I squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to give into the temptation. “I’ve waited this long. What’s another month or two? Or three. She just redirected her path. It’s best to see how that plays out and let her adjust before I show up and try to get her to come back to me. With the way things have played out, there’s no telling if she’ll even give me another chance. I fucked with her head too much. She might not be able to overlook that. Maybe she hates me for it. I don’t know.” I forced my head up, braving the one question that was eating at me. “Does she ask about me?”

Silence had me shaking my head.

“Forget it. Let’s pretend that didn’t just happen.”

“I’m sorry, Jaime. Maybe she talks to your mom more about you than she does me. I did tell her you were off limits more than once. And then with your decision at the wedding … maybe she’s doesn’t feel comfortable asking anymore.”

“It’s fine. A few more months and I’ll find out the truth for myself.”

I let my stare rise back to the city. It was after one in the morning here, but still early enough at home to call my mom and see how she was doing. It had been a good week since I’d checked in and I hadn’t left things on good terms. If I wanted to be honest, I was quite harsh with cutting off her comment over Lydia. I couldn’t hear that the woman I loved missed me too, or that she wanted me there. I wasn’t sure how much to believe. My mother was blunt about wanting us to work out our problems and be together. If she only knew how much I wanted that too. If I told her the truth, she’d ruin my façade with Lydia by telling her. I couldn’t risk that. It was best for both of them to think Lydia and I didn’t have a future.

“Jaime?”

“Yeah, sorry.”

I turned, heading back to the large bed to sit along the edge.

“Don’t stay away too long. There’s a difference between playing it safe and then being stubborn and overdoing your decision. A month, it’s routine. Then get your ass home. Lydia and your mom are not the only ones who needs you. I sure could use you here. The office is awful without you. I can’t stand it.”

I laughed. “I don’t think it’s that bad. Something else is bothering you. What is it? How’s Diane?”

A groan sounded over the phone and confusion had me trying to read him. “What’s that for? The honeymooning period isn’t over already, is it?”

“No, we’re fine in that department. More than happy, actually.” He paused. “She’s pregnant. Been pregnant for a while now.”

“What? How pregnant are we talking?”

“Almost four months along.”

My eyes flew open in shock. “Four months! And you’re just telling me?”

“Don’t give me that tone, Jaime. We were waiting for the twelve-week mark to announce it to everyone, and then we decided to wait for the fifteen-week mark just to be safe. I’m a Goddamn mess. Cut me some slack.”

“Okay, okay. But almost four months? Jesus. You’re happy though, right?”

“Of course. That’s what scares me. Her hormones are all over the place. I’m watching her every move, every step.
Literally.
I’m going fucking crazy thinking something bad is going to happen to her or the baby. Whether it be a fall, or an idiot person driving. But then I don’t want to keep making her walk everywhere. Fuck, I’m overthinking everything. Even what food she eats.”

I took a deep breath, already seeing Sevastian’s dilemma. He’d already lost a wife and child before. I knew it would kill him if anything happened to Diane or the baby.

“Just try to calm, boss. I’m sure you’re doing great. I’ll be back soon. Diane and the baby are going to be okay. Especially with you at their side.”

“That’s what I keep telling myself. It’s not helping.”

“One day at a time. You’ll see.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just hurry up and get your ass home. I’ll be waiting.”

“Will do. Take care, and give Diane a kiss from me. Tell her I said congratulations. That goes for both of you. I’m happy for you, Sevastian. You deserve this.”

“Thank you. Come home soon. We all miss you. I’ll tell Diane what you said.”

I said goodbye, hanging up the phone. The surprise was still there, but so was something I hadn’t had in what felt like forever. A smile. A genuine one.

My fingers slid over the buttons, pulling up my mother’s number. Each ring had my mouth twisting even more. I was just about to hang up when an out of breath voice answered. A voice that sent my pulse hammering through every inch of me.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Lydia.”

“Jaime?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

She paused and I could still slightly hear her breathing. It wasn’t as heavy, but each one left mine even more so.

“Let me get your mother. It might be a minute, we were out on the porch drinking tea with Mr. Harmon. She should be here shortly.”

“Lydia, wait.” I let the half top of my body fall to the mattress while I stared up at the ceiling, seeing nothing but her. “How have you been?”

“Great. I’ve been keeping up with school. Things are going really good here at your mom’s. She beats me at cards all the time. It’s fun.”

She laughed and my smile returned.

“That’s good to hear. I’m glad you’re happy.”

“I am. I’ve made some unbelievable friends, and I’ve learned a lot from your mom. She’s a wonderful person to be around. There’s nothing better than that.”

“No, there’s not.”

Lydia paused and I couldn’t stop myself from getting her to talk more.

“I hear you’re thinking about going to culinary school.”

“Yes. I feel it’s the right thing for me, but we’ll see what happens. There’s no guarantee it’ll even work out the way I want.”

“You’ll get in. You’re a fighter. You’ll make it happen.”

“What about you?” Her voice lowered until I could barely even hear her. “Your mom mentioned you might be there a few more months?”

Was that sadness I detected? Did she miss me as much as I missed her? I could only hope there was something salvageable between us. It was hard to tell anything with how soft she was talking.

“I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be here. It looked as though it would be a few months, but it might be shorter. Like you, I’ll have to see how things fall into place.”

“Oh. Well I hope it works out in whichever way is best for you. I should probably get your mom.”

“Lydia.”

“Yes, Jaime?”

I clamped my mouth closed, refusing to confess how much I loved and missed her. “Don’t bother disturbing my mom. Mr. Harmon rarely comes over anymore. I can call back in a few days. It was really good talking to you. Take care of yourself.”

I hung up before I could say more. Before temptation left me in a mess of sloppy words and pathetic apologies. Let Lydia think my arrival was up in the air. I was already sitting. I was already planning on how to tie up my loose ends so I could go home in the next few weeks.

Chapter 37

Lydia

Time, strangers, friends—life. I never slowed down enough to realize how the days and interactions with society could change a person. How easy it was to mold and fit into a group of people that shared interests and passions you held dear. For as long as I could remember, I’d distanced myself from people. Even put up a wall to close myself away so emotions couldn’t affect me. When there were too many, it was easy to get hurt.

I used to fear the pain and rejection the worst. It took me forcing myself not to worry about what others thought to finally find a form of peace. And after everything that had happened within the past few months, I was at a stage of my life that I felt confident in. It took a while. Especially after Jaime’s rejection. He loved me, and I loved him. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t capitalize on that. Looking back, I saw things a lot more clearly. I could see how fragile the woman who fled from the wedding was. She wasn’t even the same person who spoke to Jaime a few weeks ago.

No, that person cried all the way to his mother’s house because she wasn’t sure why she wasn’t good enough. And that was the problem. I had depended on him to help guide me in the right direction. To help me heal. To make me feel loved. He was my crutch. The anxiety surrounding my weakness—my addictions— and they haunted me. Deep down, although I knew suicide wasn’t on the table anymore, the need to cut was all too real. I feared falling back into the temptation. And I had twice since I had gotten my new place. The battle was never-ending, but I had something I had never had before.
A belief in myself.
It’s what made me say
no
to the urges a million more times than I said yes. And I was happy with that. I didn’t need anyone to watch out for me. For the first time, I was doing just fine trusting in myself.   

“Lydia, wait up.”

I paused on the steps, pulling the books to my chest as Brooklyn jogged to catch up. Her blue and white hair had me smiling and although she was years younger than me, we had a lot in common. We shared similar pain from our past—and we also shared the same therapist who specialized in self harm.

“Library?”

I shook my head, heading down the rest of the steps while she followed. “Not today. Since we don’t have class tomorrow, I’m going to Ms Jo’s early. We have a lot of baking and deliveries to do this weekend.”

“I thought you said she was sick. Is she going to be able to help?”

I swallowed passed the tightening in my throat. “She’ll be better now. She has spells like that. They’re a side effect of her medication.” I frowned, not able to shake the ball of anxiety within me. She was supposed to be doing better—free of cancer. “And if she’s not up for it, I’ll do them. I don’t mind. Sometimes she just needs to rest.”

“Do you want me to come?”

I forced a grin as we headed toward the far end of campus where the parking lot was. “It’ll be okay. Maybe next time. I’ll let Ms Jo know you’re interested. I’m sure she’d love to have you over to help.”

Brooklyn threw her arm around my neck, pulling me close before stepping back. “I look forward to it. See you on Monday. Or before, if you need me. All you have to do is call.”

I nodded, waving back as she headed in the direction we had come. Thoughts bombarded me as I got in my car and pulled out of the parking lot. And they didn’t stop as the miles passed. Ms Jo had been the one person I let myself trust completely. She knew everything about me. And I loved her. Was she going to be back to normal when I arrived? She hadn’t looked well when I left last Sunday night. Or even sounded well when I called yesterday afternoon.

Time seemed to drag on forever as I pushed the thoughts away and focused on my test. She was fine. She always bounced back. This time would be no different.