Insufferable: A Dark Erotic Romance (3 page)

Chapter 4

Lydia

7 months later…

“Thank you for calling Hilltop Furniture, this is Paige. How may I help you?”

“Yes, I need an extension on my bill.”

I glanced at the buttons on the phone, frowning as my hand lifted toward the base. “One moment, please.” Numbly, I hit Candi’s extension, hanging up the receiver.

Five minutes. Five minutes and I could get the hell out of here and go back home. It was almost laughable. Home. As if my nearly empty rented room could be called a place of residence.

I grabbed my purse, placing it on the desk of my even more temporary position.

Why was I still here, pretending to be someone I wasn’t? Going through the motions of living when I was completely dead on the inside?

I knew why.
Jaime
. It wasn’t hard figuring out who he was. Apparently he was some big wig at the largest corporation in this city. The accidental fall was all over the papers. At first I had refrained from taking my life only to make sure he didn’t die because of me, but somehow over the months it had become something more than that. He kept me going. Watching this stranger who had risked his life for mine fascinated me.
He
fascinated me.

What was a rich bachelor businessman doing watching me? How had he known who I was and what I had planned? None of it made sense. He seemed normal enough. At the beginning, he only left his building to go to physical therapy for his broken arm and leg. He was always escorted by a man and a woman. But then he began going on his own. The casts came off. He eventually started taking small walks. He was lonely. I could see it in his expression. There was such pain inside of him. Had he really wanted to kill himself that day? Did he think about doing it still?

The questions constantly plagued me. I wanted nothing more than to ask him, myself. To talk to him about who he was and what made him decide to jump off that cliff after me. But it went further than that. Perhaps it was the closeness I wanted. Or even the connection I felt we shared afterward while we were waiting for the ambulance. I couldn’t deny being attracted to him. At first it was hard to accept, but the more time I watched him and went over our tragic moments, the more I felt the longing to go to him. Which was interfering with my life! I didn’t know who I was anymore. Or what I wanted, for that matter. The urges were still there, as was the guilt. But Jaime eased the temptation. Maybe that’s why I was still alive. Possibly even why I hadn’t talked to him. If I did approach with my questions and the need was sated, what would I have to live for?

Fear. It was back, keeping me from doing what I craved. I was in limbo—suddenly too afraid to kill myself, but too taken over by this longing for death to want to go on. I was sick, plain and simple, and there was no cure for me. Not anything short of chemical dependency.

“I’m am so out of here.”

Candi stood from her desk, pulling me from my deep thoughts. I followed her action, grabbing my purse and throwing her a forced smile as I kept quiet and headed for the door. She found out weeks ago that talking to me was pointless. I wasn’t looking for a friend and she wasn’t in need of one enough to waste her time trying to break through my walls. I was thankful she didn’t push. Maybe she could tell I was already on the edge of some major breaking point.

A cool breeze blew back my newly dyed brown hair as I pushed the door open. I tried to keep myself as average looking as possible, but couldn’t deny I sort of liked the shade. I’d been blonde for as long as I could remember—sandy blonde, platinum blonde, beach babe blonde—but I’d never braved going darker. The bravery was all my self-destruction needed to latch. I jumped at the chance to change who I was and the need to harm myself only kept growing.

My eyes lowered to the cement before me and everything blurred together as my biggest weakness edged in. I bit my lip, shaking my head just at the thought. I wouldn’t cut again today. My thighs were covered in slashes as it was. Besides, it hadn’t given me the release it used to. Nothing was helping anymore. Nothing but…

Before I could stop myself, I paused at the light, turning toward the right instead of going straight. Self-destruction. Yes. I was becoming more so by the day. But this pain wasn’t affecting my body. The invisible cuts went a lot deeper than the ones marring my skin. Each sighting of Jaime was filleting my heart open a little more. I didn’t think I loved him. After all, how could you love a man you knew nothing about? It was more
the yearning
. The hope that was festering in my mind over made-up fantasies of a semi-normal life. Loving someone who understood me.
The real me.

And it was horseshit. I knew that like I knew this would be a wasted trip. Numerous times I’d gone to his building at this part of the day and each time he was never to be seen. It was always in the mornings, or in the late evenings when I caught glimpses of him.

I crossed the street, weaving through the pedestrians standing in front of the businesses. When Jaime’s place of residence came into view I slowed my pace, scanning the crowds before me. Everyone was getting out of work or going into the local restaurants. I took my time, eyeing the outdoor seating at a café not far ahead. As I approached and took my seat I tried to push away the loneliness that etched in. I wouldn’t look at the couples or families close by. Someone as unstable as I was didn’t deserve to.

“Can I start you off with a drink?”

I glanced at the waiter, grabbing the menu. “Coffee. Black with sugar.” I paused. “A lot of sugar.”

He laughed, nodding. “Alright. Do you know what you’d like to order or do you need a few minutes?”

My eyes scanned the appetizers. I wasn’t sure I could stomach an actual meal. I didn’t remember the last time I could.

“I’ll just take a BLT.”

“Coming right up.”

The warm smile he gave was almost impossible to return. The guy was young, maybe early twenties, but attractive, nonetheless. Not as handsome as Jaime, but he did have an appeal.

I sighed as my heart weighed down heavily in my chest. Why was I even comparing the two? Jaime likely held me responsible for his injuries. Probably couldn’t even stand the thought of me. If I did cross his mind, it was no doubt to curse the day he’d met me on that cliff.

“You should have gone. Rachel was spectacular in the rehearsal. You’re going to the play, aren’t you? You promised.”

The woman next to me threw the man a slight pout and I shifted in the chair, trying to ignore their conversation. The hum of voices seemed to be growing louder by the second.

“I’m going to try. You know I can’t tell Mr. Davies no if he says I have to come in. We have a very big project going on. I swear I’m going to try everything I can to make it to Rachel’s play. I told you that.”

The woman began talking again, but I threw all of my focus into watching the double glass doors of Jaime’s building across the street. People came and went. The place was a buzz of activity.

“Yes, Saturday, two o’clock.” A woman with dark hair sat at the empty table closest to me while she spoke on the phone. I kept my attention on the doors, but couldn’t help hear her soft voice as she continued. “I’d like to stay as long as you’ll allow me to. The children love when I come to read for them, and a few asked if I could stay longer last time. That’s why I wanted to talk it over with you. I know a lot have testing and therapy throughout the day, but if I could work my schedule around their own, that would be great. I can take turns going to their rooms after the initial reading hour. Whatever is best.”

She got quiet and I felt my brow furrow as I took in her words. There was such concern and yet passion in her request. What exactly was she doing? Reading books to sick or injured kids?

“That would be wonderful, Elaine. I can work around any of the schedules. I’m entirely free that day so there is no rush on my end.” She paused. “Great, thank you.”

The waiter sat down my coffee, distracting me from the end of the woman’s conversation.

“Black, lots of sugar.”

“Thank you.” I threw him a fake grin, grabbing the cup and bringing it closer.

“Is there anything else I can get you?”

My eyes darted back up while I gave a quick shake. “No, thank you.”

“I’ll have your BLT out soon.”

“Good choice.”

I turned toward the woman, who threw me a smile and placed her phone back in her purse.

“I was just about to order the same thing. Coffee doesn’t have a designated time, although my fiancé would disagree with me. He prefers his in the morning. Scotch at night.”

A grin began to appear, but quickly faded as I froze. It was
her
. The woman always with Jaime and the other man.

Before I found a response, she put her purse at her feet and turned more in my direction. Her eyes were narrowed now as she seemed to study my expression. My heart was pounding against my chest as guilt and fear nearly crippled me. She didn’t know what I had done.
She didn’t know
… I shouldn’t be afraid.

“You have the most amazing color eyes. Almost …” Her lids lowered even more until seconds went by and she blinked. “Almost sapphire.”

“Thank you,” I managed.

I turned my attention to my hands that cupped the mug, but she continued. “I’m Diane.”

I glanced over, clenching my teeth as I brought my hand to clasp hers. “I’m Paige.”

“Paige. I swear, you look so familiar. Have we met?”

“No, I don’t believe so. I just moved here.”

“You just moved here? I’ve done a lot of traveling in the last couple of years. Where are you from?”

“B …Boise. Born and raised.”
Lie.

“Boise! Sevastian and I were there last year.”

I glanced back over, forcing an uneasy smile. “It’s beautiful there.”

“Yes it is. I was sad to leave. I really enjoyed our stay. So what are you doing in Portland?”

I hesitated, trying to weed through the lies that flooded in. “Work.”

“Nice. What do you do?”

Again, I froze up.

“I’m sorry. Please feel free not to answer that. It’s none of my business. I just really feel like I know you. It’s the oddest thing.”

My mouth opened, only to shut at the large, dark haired man heading in our direction. He had eyes only for the woman, but he made me afraid. So much so that I was shaking in fear and I had no idea why.

“I should be going,” I breathed out. “I forgot … I have an … appointment.”

I was already standing, still staring at the man whose attention now zeroed in on mine. I couldn’t breathe before that intense gaze. There was something inside his dark eyes that promised nightmares. I wasn’t sure how I knew that, but his energy was so wrong it left a choking sensation in my throat.

“It was nice meeting you.” I tore my eyes from the man and threw myself forward, only to crash into the waiter holding my plate. “I’m sorry,” I cried out, stumbling to the side as my heel scraped against the cement. The table ahead of mine shook when my thigh connected and I threw my hands out, trying to catch the glass of water that rocked. 

Jesus. I had to get out of here.

“Ma’am?”

The waiter’s hand clasped to my arm and I fumbled through my purse, pulling out cash.

“I have to go. I’m sorry.”

I jerked free of his hold, jogging as best as I could in the heels. I couldn’t help but look over my shoulder. The menacing man was standing next to the woman named Diane, looking at me, seemingly confused. I wasn’t sure how I knew but as our eyes connected again, his expression flashed something unknown—surprise and anger? Oh God, yes. Not anger.
Rage.
I pushed myself into the group of people ahead of me.

He knew.

Chapter 5

Jaime

“It was Lydia? You’re certain?”

My tone was deep, filled with so many emotions I couldn’t decipher the one that took presentence over the rest. Desperation, excitement, relief, fear. They all jumbled together, leaving me anxious as I awaited more.
God, she might not be dead
. I’d been so sure I had lost her. Had Lydia really not killed herself after all?

Sevastian held up a two pictures. “It has to be, but she goes by the name Paige now. I had the building take this from the outside security cameras. Compared to this,” he said, waving one of the pictures I’d had from my original investigation, “it’s a close match. Too close. Come look.”

My feet were already taking me closer. The nearer I became, the more I felt the breath leave me. My hands were slightly trembling as I took the two pictures. The dark hair was surprising, but there was no mistaking those wide eyes, high cheek bones, or full lips.

“Son of a bitch,” I whispered.

“She’s alive, Jaime. And from the footage …” he hesitated. “I think she’s looking for you. Her stare barely left the entrance to our building.”

My eyes cut up and warmth rushed through my veins. Whether it was the Master in me coming out, or the pent up lust seeping in, I wasn’t sure. No one knew about the feelings I harbored for the woman I’d nearly killed myself for. The fact that I could finally have her was overwhelming. I could fix this—fix her. It left me itching to take her back to the mansion with me,
now.

“If she ran, she knows who you are, Sevastian. She might have even realized you recognized her.”

“She did.” Sevastian grabbed his glass, downing the rest of the amber liquid. “She wouldn’t have been running like that if she didn’t.”

“Shit.” I looked back at the pictures. “I want to see the footage.”

“There’s no need.”

My gaze once again rose at his words.

“I know where she is, Jaime. I may have lost her when she ran away, but you can’t escape when there are cameras every which way you turn.”

“Address.”

The word came out deeper than I intended. Diane’s gaze shot to Sevastian, but he kept his stare on me.

“We’re not taking cases right now. Or let me correct myself.
You’re
not taking cases right now.”

My head was shaking as I pulled the keys from my pocket. “I’m the one who decides that. Address.”

“Is there something you want to tell me? I’ve known you for years, Jaime. There’s something different with this one.”

I met Sevastian’s dark eyes. Lying was pointless. I knew he’d see right through me if I tried to deny any sort of feelings that might exist. Still, I couldn’t get myself to admit anything out loud just yet.

“I need her address. I need to take her to the mansion for a while. Please.”

“And if I say no?”

I let my gaze fall to the floor, knowing all too well what he was doing. Sevastian wasn’t threatening to say no. He was genuinely curious how far I was willing to go to have her.

“I’ll find her and take her anyway.”

A good minute of silence had me looking back up. Like so many previous times, my old Master’s face was devoid of emotion.

“You can’t get her tonight. She has roommates. It’s too risky. Let us watch her for a few days. We’ll figure out her schedule, we’ll assess her behavior—”

I gave a hard shake of my head. “It has to be tonight. She saw you. If she’s the least bit unstable, the recognition may set her off. I need that address. What if we’re already too late?”

Saying my greatest fear out loud sickened my stomach. The truth was, we had no idea Lydia’s mental status. She’d tried to kill herself before, and may very well have succeeded if it wasn’t for me. I couldn’t waste another minute.

“Jaime—”

I spun, heading for the door and cutting off any further discussion.

“Jaime!”

At the threatening tone, I stopped, but I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to play this safe. In my mind, nothing mattered but Lydia’s life.
Her safety.

“Fine. God dammit, you’re a stubborn son of a bitch. Let’s ignore the fact that you’re barely healed. Do you want the address or not?”

Only then did I do a slow turn to face Sevastian.

“1202 Maple Street. Apartment B. Second floor. Now explain to me how you’re going to pull this off.”

“Easy.” I clenched my keys tighter in my fist, ignoring the tender pull in my shoulder. “I’m going to knock on the door and they’re going to show me to her room. Then I’m going to make her pack and she’s going to voluntarily leave with me.”

Sevastian’s eyebrow rose, sarcastically. “We both know it’s not going to go down like that.”

“It will.”

“And if it doesn’t? If she refuses to leave?”

I glanced at Diane’s worried face, only to come back to Sevastian. “Let me try. If she doesn’t leave with me at least I’ll be able to get a read on where she’s at inside her head.”

“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

I laughed under my breath. “Define stupid.”

“You know exactly what I mean. Don’t take her against her will in front of her roommates. No witnesses, Jaime. I don’t even like the fact that they’re going to see you tonight. This is going to turn out bad. I can feel it.”

“You’re wrong. I won’t cross the line.
Yet
.”

“Make sure you don’t. Are you positive you want to do this?”

I was already heading back for the door. I grabbed the knob, turning to nod. “One hundred percent.”

“Be safe. Call me if you need anything. Anything,” Sevastian snapped. “I mean it. Call me.”

Anxiety was beginning to etch into his hard features. I knew he didn’t want me to go and was on the verge of stopping me. We’d been friends long enough for me to get a read on his next move. Sevastian couldn’t stand not being in control. It was the main reason I didn’t look back as I agreed and shut the door. No one was stopping me. I’d waited too long to discover the truth about Lydia. Now I would finally see that she was okay for myself, not to mention get all the answers that had tortured me over the months.

The elevator was shutting as I approached. I jogged toward it, glad the older gentleman inside held it for me.

“Thanks,” I breathed out, trying not to groan at the discomfort in my leg. I hadn’t broken it badly, but even now it still gave me problems.

“Lobby?”

I glanced at the balding gentleman in the suit and shook my head. “Garage.”

He pushed the button and the trip was silent until he was getting out. I bit my bottom lip in impatience and broke through the doors the moment they opened.

1202 Maple St. Apartment B.

I repeated the address in my mind continuously as I made my way across the underground parking garage. It wasn’t until I was putting it in my navigation system that I tried to get my mind to calm.

My engine roared to life, breaking the silence and I put the car in reverse, pulling from my space. The moment I entered onto the busy street, I let the robotic voice filling the interior lead me toward Lydia’s home. It wasn’t far, but too far for me to walk. Before I could collect my thoughts, I was pulling in front of what looked to be a three story home. Even in the dark, I could tell it wasn’t in the best condition.

I glanced down at my suit and tried to ignore how my expensive sports car was going to appear sitting out front. The neighborhood wasn’t the best, either. I didn’t come to this side of the city often, but I knew it was headed in the direction of even worse conditions. Ones that were littered with drugs and lord knew what else.

Had Lydia slipped back into her old ways?

The possibility turned my blood cold. I knew her past. Knew she’d been into some hardcore stuff at one point. What kind or how much was a mystery. It was only from word of mouth, as was most of the information I’d collected about her. But she had admitted the fact to her therapist after her first suicide attempt, so there was truth to the story. She didn’t elaborate in her interview.

I got out of the car, locking it behind me as I headed for the door. The alarm combined with the loud thumping music coming directly from the house in front of me. I internally groaned, knocking on the thick wooden door. When no one answered, I knocked harder. The barrier swung open and a dark skinned female with long curly hair flashed me a smile before leaning on the edge of the frame proactively.

“And how
may I help
you
?”

The slur of her words didn’t escape my notice. I peered around her, catching sight of a crowd of people close to her age. Mid-to-early twenties, was my guess.

“I’m looking for,” I paused, remembering Sevastian’s words. “Paige. Is Paige here?”

“Paige?” The woman’s head reared back and she let out a loud laugh. “What are you doing looking for her? You some detective or something?”

I blinked passed the question. “No. Is she home?”

“She’s here, but you sure it’s her you want to see?”

The invitation had me taking an impatient breath. “Yes. May I?” I stepped closer to the door and she gestured for me to come in. The music got louder upon entering and skeptical glances were thrown my way.

“Stairs. Last door on the left.”

“Thank you.”

I turned, taking two steps at a time. When I reached the top, my pulse was exploding in my chest. The smell of cigarette smoke was thick to the point where it was almost impossible to breathe. I took short breaths as I passed a door labeled A. When I got to B, I didn’t hesitate to knock. Within seconds an all too familiar voice broke through. The emotions that flooded me upon hearing it shook me to the core.

“Who is it?”

“Delivery.”

“Delivery for what?”

Fuck
. “Mail.”

“Kind of late for that. Slide it under the door.”

My head lowered while I cursed myself. I knocked again. “Ma’am, can you please open the door?”

“Go away, you’re drunk.”

“I assure you I am not. Please.”

Silence.

“Lydia, please.”

The door cracked open and I didn’t wait to barrel through the chain lock and push myself inside. Wide blue eyes stared at me in shock and she stumbled back, covering her chest, regardless that she was in a black sports bra and boy shorts.

My gaze dropped to her thighs and I couldn’t stop the loud growl that tore through me. From her knees to the edge of the shorts’ material was a mass of cuts. From their width, I knew it had to have been from a razor blade. Some were almost healed while one looked fresh.

“Is that how you’re coping?” I slammed the door shut, advancing and watching Lydia scramble back.

“Jaime. What are you doing here? How did you find me?”

“Answer my question. Is that how you’re coping? Show me your arms”

She threw me a glare. “I don’t cut my arms, not that it’s any of your business if I did.”

“Any of my business? I almost fucking died for you! You
are
my business.” It took everything I had to remain in place. I wanted to inspect her, myself.
Fucking cutting?
I hadn’t taken her for a cutter. Nothing in her chart, or even from my memories of watching her, threw any flags to me.

“I didn’t think you’d jump! You weren’t supposed to.”

“But I did and I told you to stay with me. But you didn’t, did you? You ran the first opportunity you got.”

Tears rolled down her cheeks as the back of her legs connected with her full size bed.

“I went back … several times. I checked on your progress.”

Rage burned into my insides and I moved in even closer. “I didn’t want you there for
me
. I wanted to be there for
you
.”

“I told you before, I don’t need help.”

“Really?”

My stare moved back to her thighs and her hands shot down to try to cover them.

“I don’t need help. I’m doing better. You can leave here and you never have to worry about me again. I’m going to be fine.”

“You seriously expect me to believe that? Look at you.”

“Suicide was the problem, not my body. I have a job now. I still have some issues, but I’m pulling through. I’m trying to start over. It’s hard, but I’m managing.”

God, I wanted to believe cutting was the worst of it, but I just couldn’t. Over the last two years, I had heard every story in the book, not to mention my own state of mind in the past. The only way I was going to know
her
was if I had her.

“Let’s say I give you the benefit of the doubt and take your word for it. How do I know you won’t hurt yourself again when I leave? Or tomorrow? Or a week from now? What if it becomes too much and you end up on another cliff, or associated with something just as bad?”

Lydia’s hesitation made it obvious she was searching for a lie. One to reassure me. Little did she know, I had expressions memorized. I knew dishonesty and calculation when I saw it. Not only from my business dealings, but from the number of slaves I had brought back from depths as low as hers. Hell, maybe even lower. I still couldn’t tell how bad off she was.